deercountry | ( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

Entry tags:

( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

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[ house. yes, he had a house didn't he? the memories slowly knit together, blurred and hazy. he sits up, crossing his legs. breath in, breath out. be in the present moment. he closes his eyes. ]

And . . . who all are here?

[Ezra takes a slow breath in, then out, too, before he answers.]

Anakin Skywalker. [And if he pauses another half a breath, to just watch and see what reaction he picks up in the Force, well-

Luke Skywalker. Anakin Solo. Vyng has been around a lot. Some others who have been worried about you have been in and out.

Then he lives.

[ there's no inflection there, no way to tell what obi-wan is feeling. he wraps his arms around himself as if to curl up into a cocoon of his own making. ]

He lives.

[The teenager goes very still and quiet, debating hard how to react to that. He doesn't want to make Obi-wan shut down even more, or bolt, but neither does he want Obi-wan to feel....so alone. If he can break through this sense of distance between them, even a little, is a painful jarring worth it?

He makes the gamble, and oh so quietly, says one word.]

....Mustafar?

[ his head jerks up, eyes narrowed. ]

How?

[Ezra nods. Fair question. And a better response than he'd hoped for, really. He'll take it.]

An amplified shared meditation gone...off. [He offers a very slight smile.] I told you once, that I'd seen Master Jinn in a memory? I saw a lot of things.

[He studies Obi-wan's face carefully.]

And also, in Temba, my teacher there and I just talked openly with each other, about many things. I think he might have come from a point very close in time - or parallel - to your memories. But of course, your experiences, feelings, reactions. They are yours.

No one else's.

[ it rattles in his head for a moment before obi-wan puts it aside. he has no energy to dwell upon multiversal possibilities and memories. regardless of whether it involved him or not. his hands rest on his knees as he takes in another deep breath. his emotions rocket him from the then to the now. ]

What is your point, Ezra?

[Another good question, really. He sighs softly.]

That I'd rather you didn't...hide, at least not from me. But that I'll understand if you feel you need to.

That I love you. That you still have that support I promised you.

And if....all of this means something here and now needs to change, between us, then tell me. I'll listen.

[ he can't help the dryness in his voice, a low shuffle. ]

While the thought is . . . appreciated, I can't help but think this is a terrible time for that discussion.

[Immediately-]

Then it'll wait.

What do you need right now? Can I help?

[ what does he need? he futilely tries to reach out into the force, mace, shaak ti, plo koon, kit fisto, aayla. nothing. the ends of those threads have been scorched bare.

he shudders, his shoulders hunched around himself. ]

I need . . . rest. Time. I need to acclimatize myself before I get up again.

[Physically get up, right this minute? Get up in a more ongoing, mental and emotional sense?

Just asking that feels pretty stupid. But. Ok. Back up. Start even smaller, more immediate.]

Ok. Are you...thirsty at all? Hungry?

[ he rubs his throat briefly before nodding. physical needs first. slowly, obi-wan focus on the present moment. for a brief splintering moment, he wishes qui-gon was here. he needed him. ]

Water. Please.

Of course.

[And with that he gets up and pads to the kitchen to grab a glass, fill it, and circles back. Settles, sitting so that he's close enough to touch, although he's carefully not, not without a hint of invitation, and holds out the glass.]

[ it's as though he doesn't notice, eyes glazed. but it passes quickly as obi-wan reaches for the glass, clear-gazed once more. ]

Thank you. I realize this is . . . a lot for you to handle at the moment.

[ says the man who has a lot to handle at the moment. ]

[He clocks those shifts, then shakes his head, and the corner of his mouth quirking in self-deprecation.]

If I don't handle it all gracefully, it's my own missteps, not a lack of willingness on my part.

You're welcome, always.

[ always. he sighs. ]

I find my grace lacking.

Hmmm.

Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Not for my sake.

Mmm.

[ he sighs. ]

I will do my best.

[He lets a little more warmth and affection into his tone.]

Good.

Let me know if you want a hand up, when you're ready to move. [And then he falls silent, to give Obi-wan to drink his water and sort his thoughts.]

Yes. I should — Can you help me to my feet please.

[He nods and climbs to his feet, holding his hands out, ready to steady with the Force, if need be. Down for a week, emotionally drained as Obi-wan is - he's not surprised Obi-wan could use help, only faintly startled that the older man so readily admitted it.

He's absolutely not going to outwardly show that surprise, though. Making Obi-wan more self conscious is the last thing he wants.]

[ it takes a great deal of effort. his legs are cramped and obi-wan struggles to keep himself upright. but once he does it, he manages to keep his balance. he manages another hollow breath. ]

One step at a time.

Exactly.

Where to? [No, he is not leaving Obi-wan's side right now. Not until Obi-wan indicates he should, probably.]

[ it was so tempting to say his bed. to lay down his head. to let it fill with cotton. he bites on his lip, hard enough to draw blood. ]

Take me to the garden.

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