deercountry | you can keep on getting better [open]

Entry tags:

you can keep on getting better [open]

Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: May catchall
When: May
Where: A bar in Cellar Door, other locations to come

Content Warnings: Light alcohol use, conversations about humanity and murder, blood, vampirism

a. if you want, you can buy yourself a drink [at the bar]

[anna's made plans with a couple people to hang out this month. it's not a tense environment at all, and sometimes she can even be seen on the tiny little stage playing some chilled out bass grooves for the patrons. no concrete songs, really, mostly just improv for vibes. when she's not on stage, and most of the time she's not, she's nestled herself down into a booth down near the end. it's quiet, well-lit but not obtrusively so. people around here know her and know that that's basically her seat, so any conversations that happen there are as private as they're gonna get.]

[she's expecting a few people to show up as she nurses a beer that's so weak she might as well not be drinking anything at all. probably for the best that she's sober for these talks, whatever they end up bringing with them.]

Hey. Glad you could make it. [she tilts her drink at her guest.]

b. no you'll never drink like me [for kainé]

[there's always been a few problems with going out and hunting beasts, no matter how confident and comfortable it makes anna feel. no matter how many lives she saves, she's always putting herself at risk of corruption or injury or beasthood or all three, and one of these days it's gonna sneak up on her. all at once, extremely loudly and incredibly close.]

[anyway, when she comes back home this time, it's clear that she's been in better shape. she limps her way into the house, and she's at least cognizant enough to fix her roommate/girlfriend with a sheepish little look as she holds her side. the cloth there isn't dripping yet, but it's clear that it didn't start as red as it is now.]

Motherfucker out there got the best of me. [she's talking like she's not in pain, or like she's trying very hard to pretend she isn't.] I think I stopped most of the bleeding myself. Don't suppose we've got anything here that can help seal it up before I go to the doctor?

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[oh, ange.]

[if she thinks that anna is going to let her get away with this, she has something else coming entirely. anna's almost silent, her eye scanning every part of her friend in turn while she reacts. the thing that draws her eye the most is the glitter of blood, and it's what turns the corners of her lips down and brings a stern, if genuine, tone to her voice.]

And you don't have to lie to me. [she is not angry, despite the look on her face, but she recognizes this behavior. and she doesn't want to encourage it, and if ange can't even be honest with anna, then... well. no second half to that statement for now.]

If it's actually fine, then that's fine. But if you have a problem with this, or with me, then I need you to say it, Ange. I don't want you to keep it inside of you because you're worried that it's going to cause problems. [if only someone had taken the time to say this to anna herself years ago.]

So please. Tell me if it's really fine.

[ Ange's gaze snaps up to look at Anna. Her eyes widen, and there's something desperate in there. Something that reveals the panic and nerves that are coursing through Ange's veins like crazy in this moment. ]

And then what?

[ It doesn't sound like she's snapping. Not the angry kind of snapping, anyway. Even though Ange's voice raises a little in volume as she's saying it, there's nothing terse about it. If anything, it just sounds desperate. ]

If I say I'm not okay with it, then what? You'll just feel bad for talking to her anyway, and it's not like I want to make you feel bad! [ After all, Anna is a friend. Ange might be petty to some people under the right circumstances, but she wants to do right by her friends. Especially after doing wrong by them really, really badly one time. ] And then you might just start disliking me for--

[ She pauses, seeming almost speechless for a moment as she shakes her head, trying her best not to start crying alongside this outpouring of emotion. ]

I don't know, for being weird and possessive!

I'll feel bad about it whether you tell me it's fine or not, Ange, this isn't—it's not about me right now, okay? You understand that, right?

[she's still not angry, but the tension is clearly rising between them, isn't it? interesting. see, because it's the thing about ange expecting anna to start hating her that gets to her. she places her hands flat on the table and doesn't quite push herself out of her seat, but it would be easy for her to do it if she had to.]

This is about you. I don't need you to say what you think is going to stop us from having a fight. I need you to tell me the truth. Because keeping all that inside? [she presses the flat of one fist against her own chest. this is hypocritical of her to say, but she knows it is and she's ignoring it.] That's how you explode. That's how you keep hurting yourself until you can't stop yourself from hurting everyone else around you.

[ That is very rich, coming from Anna.

And if Ange were in a more petty mood, she definitely would have pointed that out. But the last thing Anna says - about hurting the people around you.. It's what gets her to bite her tongue. Because Ange has been trying so hard to be a good person, to do right with both her regular actions and her magic, the way Maria would have wanted her to.

It makes it hurt even more. The insinuation that Ange would hurt the people would her. The way Anna is putting her hands on the table, like she's getting ready to leave.

Before she has the chance to do absolutely anything else, her eyes fill with tears in a way that's impossible for another to miss - and impossible for Ange to stop. ]

Then shouldn't it be obvious?! Of course it's not fine..!

[ Surely Anna must know that too. She isn't dumb. ]

How would you feel if the person who you ruined your life and caused all of your trauma showed up in this place and I told you that I was going to hang out with them? [ She forces the words out, but she can feel her throat getting tighter and tighter until the tears start to spill. ] Of course that hurts! You don't need me to tell you that!

[ange is right. it's obvious. of course it's obvious. it has been this whole time.]

[she settles back into her seat and lets the sight of having driven ange to tears wash over her. to bring ange to this point was never what anna wanted to do with any of this, and now she has to deal with that reality. which means watching, and waiting, and trying to form her sentences and breathe. while she does that, while she tries to settle herself, she pulls her hands back. she's not leaving.]

No. I didn't need you to tell me that. But I needed you to say it out loud so you could let yourself feel it. [the way she says it makes her feel cruel. she leans forward, rests her arms on the table again.] I'm sorry. I don't know if this makes it better, but I'm not hanging out with her. I'm asking questions. I'm trying to hear her story and understand what happened. Same as you did.

I already feel it!

[ Ange furiously starts rubbing at her eyes with one of her sleeves, trying to dry her eyes despite the fact that the tears haven't stopped falling yet.

Which means it's very much a useless effort, and yet she still can't help but try all the same. She hates to be seen crying, after all. ]

I know that I always try to see like I don't care about anything, but of course I already felt that. [ It's not like Anna had to make her. After all-- ] It's constantly been present within me, ever since that confession. Every single day!

[ It might have gotten lighter, enough so for Ange to actually go out into the world again rather than just hole herself up in her room, but that doesn't mean it's gone. ]

I like awake in bed at night thinking about it! Just because I don't show something, doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. You know that too.

[ So right now - it just feels like getting it rubbed in. ]

[this... feels worse. worse than just the sensation that she's been cruel. there's guilt snaking around her throat now, too. what was the point of this, really? it couldn't have been bringing ange to this point. maybe it was just... an ill-conceived lie, the way anna had tried to justify it to herself. she looked away and frowned, unable to witness what she had wrought. she's not a robot, she's not... made of unfeeling metal. she's a person. she needs to be one.]

I do know that.

[she deserves to be yelled at for this, for trying to push ange too far without knowing how close to the precipice she really was.]

I'm sorry, Ange. I feel like a dickhead right now. Probably 'cause I'm being one. [she finally turns her head back. she's no longer reaching out to ange because she doesn't think her friend wants that right now.] I took it too far.

[ She exhales a shaky breath, wiping at her eyes once more - especially since it buys her a moment of time where she isn't even sure what to say. She could say that Anna isn't a dickhead, because that's something Ange believes for sure, but there's also no denying that her feelings did get hurt here. Maybe it's better to not say anything about it, or things will only get more awkward. Or she will only lose more people important to her.

It's just a crappy topic. It's just a crappy situation. This is exactly the reason why Ange hated the idea that she'd have to live in the same town now. That she might have to continue running into these moments, just because of that. Her normal happy life ruined.

Again. ]

I just want to pretend she doesn't exist. [ Maybe it's the one thing Ange can do.

Her voice is more quiet now, but obvious hurt and pain still lingers in it. ]

That's the only way I can live here anymore.

I'm sorry.

[what else is there to say? she could try to explain herself. that might help. hopefully. maybe not, though! maybe she should just let it go and go on stage or something. but that's not... right. she can't leave ange like this.]

I didn't want to just not say something. I didn't want to keep another secret from you when I can see how much it already hurt when the first secret came out.

[she thinks, or at least hopes, that there will be some way to eventually reconcile things between the two of them. but she doubts it's ever going to be possible no matter how many steps anyone takes in any direction.]

I won't talk about her anywhere you can see or hear it. And if you need to not talk to me for a while, that's okay, too.

...

[ There's a brief pause, but then Ange looks over at Anna and speaks up again. ]

I mean.. You said you were only going to ask her some questions. [ Which is still not great for Ange to think about, but at least she can acknowledge there that the sense of dread it induces inside of her heart is mostly just her overreacting, just trauma speaking more so than her actual brain. ]

Why would I avoid you over that?

[ Or over this conversation, for this matter. Sure, it was a little hurtful, but Ange is much worse. She's been verbally and physically drilled into the ground by absolutely everyone all her life, this is nothing in comparison.

Even though she can still feel that hurt right now, even though it's still visible in her eyes - it'll fade.

She hopes. ]

[anna sighs.]

I don't know, dude. I don't do well with stuff like this. I can avoid conflict, and I can cause conflict, but I'm pretty fucking bad at recovering from it. I mean, the last girl I pissed off, it took me a decade to make it better, and she doesn't even remember it, you know?

[don't make this about yourself, amaranth. god. what's wrong with you.]

People usually need time away from me when I do this shit. That's all I'm saying. So if you need it, you can take it. Just... don't hide yourself away forever.

[ If Ange was any dumber, she would've asked Anna if the other thought that she was truly petty enough to immediately distance herself over just one awkward moment - but Ange is smart enough to get it. That this is an issue within Anna, just as much as Ange's paranoia over losing people to Sayo is an issue for herself.

So she instead just exhales. ]

Anna.. It was one time. It's fine. I'm-- [ The word almost automatically comes out of her mouth, but then she remembers how red her eyes must still look in this moment, and Ange quickly shakes her head and corrects herself. ] I will be fine.

[ At least when it comes to this specific moment and its memory. ]

You're way too important of a friend to me for me to just start avoiding you because of this. [ Especially when - Ange thinks - Anna didn't intend to hurt her.

She just pushed a little too far in the worst place possible. ]

If you weren't, I wouldn't even have gotten upset in the first place. [ Because if randos interact with Sayo? Well, that's fine, it's totally their choice. It only gets hard when it's people she cares about, because that's when Ange starts worrying about losing them, or them not understanding her, or a myriad other paranoid thoughts. ]

Well... you are, too.

[she's talking like she's just been told something so very obvious and needs to recover from being called out on it. the corner of her eye almost turns downward, like her face is falling in the tiniest bit of shame.]

We think the same way a lot of the time, and maybe we don't always get to the same answer, but the steps we take are pretty close, you know? And I don't want to lose that in my life. I don't wanna lose you from my life, especially over something like this.

[her expression changes to a tentative smile, like she's trying her absolute best here.]

Besides. I get the feeling I might need your help solving my own personal mystery sometime soon. Nothing specific yet, but the winds are starting to blow in the right direction.

[ Thankfully they do seem to share that exact sentiment. I don't wanna lose you from my life, especially over something like this. It's almost like hearing her own thoughts coming out of someone else's mouth, and it makes a bit of tension leave Ange's shoulders.

Even though her emotions still feel raw. But it's always like this, isn't it? She often keeps things inside for so long that once they do come out, things keep feeling off for a little while. Maybe she'll feel better after a nap later.

Instead - for now - she brushes a hand across her hair and meets Anna's gaze, even though that too makes her feel a little vulnerable with her emotions still so close under her skin. ]

A personal mystery..?

[ Ange sounds like she truly isn't even catching on to what Anna could mean. ]

[mm. that might be for the best. ange has a lot on her plate right now, and anna's not sure how deep she wants to go quite yet. she decides, for the moment, to speak in vaguery.]

Someone I thought I could trust just because I recognized the world he came from is turning out to be someone entirely different. And I don't know whether he was just lying about it or I didn't want to see the truth, but either way, I can't bring myself to see him the same way anymore.

[it's a familiar song, isn't it? she doesn't know if ange knows the person she's speaking of, but... if she's given enough hints then maybe it's obvious enough by now. she can never tell just how much she's giving away.]

And I think it's going to be bad news for all of us whenever he stops pretending.

That.. does sound bad.

[ Apparently she doesn't recognize the person Anna is talking about. Either because she doesn't know him, or just because she's still a little too emotionally vulnerable in this moment to be able to think with a clear mind and actually put sone puzzle pieces together.

And without her understanding the full situation, all she can do is frown in faint thought. ]

I'm sorry though. [ She doesn't say 'I get it.'

Obviously Anna knows she gets it, given everything else they discussed. ]

It's got to be weighing pretty heavily on your mind right now.

Yeah.

I don't know what I'm going to do about it yet. [she doesn't have all the information she needs. she doesn't know where everyone else's allegiances lay. she doesn't know nearly enough about who else she'd be turning against her, and she's struggling enough with just the possibility of turning ange against her right now.]

But I'm telling the people who matter to me, just in case... I don't know. In case something happens. If he catches wind of it or something and tries to shut me up.

[ Wow, wow, wow, Anna.

Forget everything that just happened - even if it's just for a moment. When the other is escalating the stakes to that sort of level right at the end there, Ange isn't even thinking about it anymore. Instead she just frowns with obvious concern for the other. ]

It's that bad?

[ Sure, Anna could be joking in her usual dry way, but Ange feels like she wouldn't joke about it under these circumstances.

Nor after the talk they just had. ]

In that case, shouldn't we be doing something about it right away? We can't just have you running that risk every single day.

Just knowing him is a risk right now, Ange.

[she sighs, looks away. ange is right. they should do something about it. but they can't, or she can't... not yet.]

But right now, he still thinks we're friends. He doesn't know that I'm piecing all this stuff together as evidence. But I don't know that I'm right, either. I'm pretty sure, but... I don't know. Given the circumstances, I'm gonna need a little better than pretty sure. [this is a reference for her and her alone, and it is also very true on top of that.]

I don't want to do anything until I'm absolutely sure, and until I have people who can back me up. Because if he really is as powerful as I think he is, I'm only going to get one chance at this. So until then, I just... have to keep lying to him.

If he's really that powerful, do you think even a group of people will be enough?

[ Ange thinks of other big dangers that have been here in this place. Not even necessarily battles she herself participated in, but also ones she only heard about, like the battle with the Leviathan. So many people participated in those, yet even in those cases not everyone made it out alive..

And she knows that Anna wouldn't emphasize just how powerful this person is unless they'd be on something close to that level.

So that's.. worrying, to say the least. Especially since Anna could be found out at any moment if she's actively lying to his face. ]

...

[ She sighs. ]

What a mess.. Why does this people have to keep dragging people into this place who don't belong here? [ Read - who threaten to destroy the life people are trying to build here. It doesn't feel fair. Instead it feels like yet another way in which this place is trying to torture them.

And it makes Ange look really, really tired right now. Especially considering the conversation that came before, yet another person dragged into this place without whom life here would be so much easier. ]

[that's the big question, isn't it? not whether there's going to be enough people to handle him. she hasn't figured that part out yet, but ange is right there, too. no, the question is why this place always needs to bring in people and things that threaten the peace they're trying to make. the lives they're trying to build.]

I don't know. [it comes out quiet and with a lot of weight behind it, the words deep in the back of her throat. she swallows them, but they come right back up.] I don't know. Maybe it's all in the name of making us stronger. More prepared for whatever hell is coming next.

Bullshit if it is. [she barely gives the words enough time to settle.] Haven't you and I been through enough? Aren't we strong enough already?

[ Strong enough.

Ange isn't sure about that part - mostly when it comes to herself, though it's easy to draw the parallel with how similar Anna seems to her. Maybe the other isn't so sure about that part either. How do you know if you're ever strong enough if things like these keep ending up making you fumble, just when you think you've become strong enough to no longer be affected by them?

But the other part of what Anna says, that is-- ]

Of course.

[ Her voice is heavy. So tired.

She doesn't know everything Anna has been through, sure. But the stuff she's seen, the stuff she's heard - it tells her enough. ]

It's been heavy enough already. For both of us. [ In their own ways. It's what bothers Ange about the entire Sayo situation, or about the situation with this person Anna is talking about now.

It all feels so unnecessary. ]

We.. deserve better.

[ Better than worlds that keep letting them down. ]

[anna extends her hand again if ange wants to take it. this conversation has been difficult, but she wants her friend to know that they are still friends, and they're friends who are in this together—that is, if ange wants that. it's her decision. it's always everyone else's decision.]

We deserve better. You deserve better, Ange. Better than being, I don't know, some chess piece for the gods to pick up and throw around a great cosmic board. [best not to think about which conversation had brought that to her mind again.]

It's why I'm going out and trying to rescue people from pirates whenever I can. I can't fight back against the gods, but I sure as hell can try to help these people find some fucking agency in their lives here. I can help them start things off without being at the mercy of whatever's sailing around out there.

I don't... know how much it really helps. [she admits it suddenly, like she's not totally in control of the words she's saying.] But I feel like it does something to put some good back into this world. And maybe that'll help tip the scales back in our favor one of these days.

[ Ange does reach back to hold Anna's hand again.

She doesn't seem to hesitate about it, even. ]

I hope so.

[ Ange can't be sure of it, but.. at the same time, she's been pretty much doing the same. Always looking out for her friends in this rough place, and even - though she'd be less willing to admit it - helping out new people. Trying to do some good in this place to even out the scales, just as Anna puts it here. ]

I don't know how much better we can make our particular circumstances. [ Considering just how often fate seems like a bird determined to shit on their newly washed car. It's something they share. ] But maybe we can at least make this place itself better.

Yeah.

[she squeezes ange's hand one more time as she looks up towards the stage. someone's signaling at her, and she closes her eye and starts to get up, but she's not gonna let go of ange's hand yet.]

And I'm about to do another small part of my own. You don't have to stick around if you don't want to, but I'll dedicate something to you if you want.

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