Entry tags:

Alone

Who: Shouto and Allen + Dabi
What: June Event Prompt One. A few hours after THIS.
When: June 8th.
Where: The Farther Shores a mile away from the cherry blossom tree.

“Alone”

BY EDGAR ALLAN POE

From childhood’s hour I have not been

As others were—I have not seen

As others saw—I could not bring

My passions from a common spring—

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow—I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone—

And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—

Then—in my childhood—in the dawn

Of a most stormy life—was drawn

From ev’ry depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still—

From the torrent, or the fountain—

From the red cliff of the mountain—

From the sun that ’round me roll’d

In its autumn tint of gold—

From the lightning in the sky

As it pass’d me flying by—

From the thunder, and the storm—

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view—

The nightmares started in April with the death of a friend.

Lying in a pool of Paleblood, clinging to the dying, the first seeds of corruption sank their teeth into his heart spreading doubt and fear. His brother's warm presence that first night kept him from spiraling to that end that forms every Beast in Trench. The next day, it was Amaterasu's guardian sapling that kept his nightmares at bay. He slept under the tranquil aura of the cherry blossom while he waited for his friend's return. For a week, it's calming influence kept his corruption levels low. Afterwards, it was Allen's kind and radiant presence in his home that maintained the sapling's work. It was only after Allen moved into Sancturary and Shouto returned to active duty with the Hunters that his levels started to rise. His omen kept strict watch on his levels waging war every time corruption started to spread, sending him back to the guardian sapling when his levels rose.

It usually happened late at night when his dreams turned against him, and he woke up in a frozen room with his heart beating frantically in his chest. He clung to Kizu those nights, burying his face into the snow leopards winter coat, finding solace in the cold. Ice crept past his sheets those mornings, covering both Sleeper and omen in a layer of frost. Yet, he managed to keep himself together. Foregoing sleep for more shifts with the Hunters until exhaustion forced him into a dreamless sleep after a few days.

Keeping his corruption to manageble levels was easier in the presence of his friends. His deep connection with them, kept the dark thoughts from finding purchase in his mind. Maybe that's why he spent so much time with them that second month after Allen's death. Accepting their invitations more readily, joining them for dinner, walking them home, going to parties. Their presence gave him a safe heaven, a place where dark thoughts didn't press on his mind, a respite from the nightmares. So, he slept, taking naps at every turn. Somehow, he managed to keep his corruption levels from spiraling out of control up until June when the demon arrived.

Prime for a takevoer, the demon found him in the midst of another nightmare and latched onto him the first day with Kizu nonethe wiser. It fed on him, plagued his every dream until his body couldn't keep up anymore and he stopped patrolling altogether on day five too tired to complete his rounds. Scrapes and bruises started appearing on his skin on day seven, and on day eight it sent him into a nightmare so frantic he lost control of his quirk, burning his surroundings. Terror set in then, afraid of himself unaware of his rising corruption levels. With the demon clinging to his back, his thoughts turned dark too quickly. Afraid, Shouto sought out his friends and found Allen's network post from a few weeks ago and he replied in search of a familiar face.

A hero agency.

The concept reminded him so much of home it eased some of the terror from his heart. Already feeling a little better, Shouto couldn't help but respond to ask him about his plans, offer his help. It'd give him an excuse to see him in person instead of conversing through the omini as they usually did these days, but the conversation turned sour when the Hunters were mentioned.

Dark thoughts crept into his mind so quickly, spreading like a disease. The demon was fully grown and it's influence more acute. Well fed, it was bigger than him now. The demon dug its claws into him, influencing his thoughts, turning them against him when the omen interfered but it was too late. It had grown too strong, held far too much influence and plunges him into a nightmare long before he reaches the guardian sapling.

When Allen arrives at the cherry blossom tree on the Farther shores, he'll find it empty. If he looks around, he might find a strange sight about a mile away. Upon inspection, he'll come across a glacier jutting out of the black sands, three stories high, and at it's center - at the level of the sand - lies an unmoving figure distorted by ice.

Shouto lies sleeping on the black sands, covered in frost, within an open space at the center of the glacier, cut off from the world. The demon clings to him, feeding readily while the carbon dioxide levels slowly increase.

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[ He told you, didn't he? He wants to be here. When it's bad, but also when it's good. He's a little backwards like that, always rushing in when something is bad, always wanting to save someone -- but so rarely ever having the same boldness for the happy moments too. Almost never, really. So he just exhales softly at that and squeezes back wordlessly in return, resting his good hand against the back of his head.

(I want to always be here.)

His head jerks up in surprise when the castle roars back to life though. The sounds of the creatures -- it's destroying them. No, purifying them... ]

The fire...

[ So suddenly like that... Like before. They came back and he used both at the same time before. He blinks, slightly amazed for a moment, before the thumping of the coffin drags his attention and he moves over quickly too. He motions to Shouto after he tries his fire and he's about to try his left hand, when there's the voice of his mother again and he stays his hand, blinking. Froze himself... to stop the pain?

"...will you stop looking at me like that if I do?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"I mean like someone who's locked my friend who's precious to me away somewhere deep because he's stopped being honest enough with himself to face his own feelings... I miss him."
"...I don't understand what you mean."

He inhales sharply. You idiot. He knew it and tried to tell you that before, too. Though maybe that makes Allen the idiot for not persisting to get through. He stares for a moment though, processing all of that, realizing the significance finally, maybe, of the sleeping prince-like Shouto in the coffin, before he breathes out shakily. Touches Shouto's arm quietly as he seems to have withdrawn in himself as he struggles with that. ]

She's right, you know. Nobody ever got stronger by running from their pain. [ It's very gentle, his tone, as he doesn't want to push on something that's likely so delicate. Sympathetic, as that's... well, he can't presume to know what he's feeling. But Allen understands pain to the point where it's crippling and it feels like it's impossible to face. So he decided how he'd face his a long time ago.

Even if sometimes he still forgets that.

But: ]

Our wounds always heal even if the scars remain.

Edited 2022-07-17 23:26 (UTC)

[ He grows so very still. He was okay... wasn't he?

He has to think back, remembering that first week spent waiting for him, sleeping under the cherry blossom tree on the black sands of the Farther Shores. He woke up frozen over, breaking through a layer of ice. Numb to the bone. The guardian sapling made it easier to bear with the following nightmares. Allen's return prompted a departure from anguish. He forgot how bad it had been. It must have been his proximity that kept the nightmares at bay because when he moved into Sanctuary, the nightmares resurfaced, less severe than before. He froze them out until they were layered under so much ice he stopped feeling the loss altogether.

When the demon arrived, it uncovered a treasure trove of nightmares on which to feed on, growing fat on the excess until it grew strong enough to penetrate his world. Twisted it into a playground of its own, using the foundation to create the nightmares that ultimately wore him down, night after night, until he froze Kizu out in an attempt to make it stop.

Let yourself feel it.

He drops his hand from the coffin and touches his chest. Numb. It was numb. Frozen. Sleeping.

He thought he was okay. He'd gotten over what happened, but what if he hadn't? He looks up at Allen. The admission he'd been holding back for months, unwilling to touch it, rises to the surface. ]

You died because I was there, didn't you?

You forgave me, but... I don't think I forgave myself. We killed you and cremated your body, and I... I didn't face it. I... didn't let myself grieve you... the same as my mother. I just... buried it. I buried Kizu too. Froze it all until it stopped hurting.

[ Behind him, the casket starts to melt. Once exposed to moonlight, Allen can kill the demon with his sword. Shouto will let him, still numb from disturbing realizations, and when the demon is gone, the nightmares will disappear too, and the sleeping. frozen, heart will wake. ]

Edited 2022-07-18 01:10 (UTC)

[ It was obvious to Allen from when he had first woken up again on the beach, how unwilling he'd been to forgive himself. Something that gave him pause and pain, not knowing how to even help with that beyond letting him help him and hoping it would lead to forgiving himself... Naive, in retrospect, and his expression flickers in a hard to read way, his brows drawing together. But saying that you killed and cremated him... you-- the both of them? With his fire, cremating his body...

Eyes wide, his breath comes out a little shakily for a moment as... how does one process that exactly. Hearing about how their body was disposed of, and in a personal manner that... Shouto. You'd been carrying that around this whole time...? It's rattling for him to hear about it so after the fact, but it wasn't something experienced. Having that sort of experience, those memories... If the roles had been reversed and he'd been the one who had to burn his body by his own hand?

His hand twitches for a moment. Eyes sketching rapidly across Shouto's face for a moment, unable to land anywhere. He's aware of the coffin beginning to crack and melt in the background, but that... He doesn't even know what to say to that. Just that he should, there's so much he wants to say when the other is looking so distressed like that and suddenly he has a lot better understanding of why except even if he's normally good at that sort of thing he can't--

He blinks, breath coming out in a shaky puff, and moves.

Delicate and swift as a snowflake in the wind, he leads with a light brush of his Innocence-gloved fingers along Shouto's jaw to turn him towards him. As he dips in to press his lightly chapped lips just to the corner of his mouth, warmly and so gentle, but also a little brusque. Just shy of being able to be called a kiss on the cheek, and he lingers there for a purposeful and sweet moment.

Sometimes he's bad with words and better with actions... and that just felt like it said what he wanted to better than they could have.

He draws back a little then, just enough to look at him properly. ]

I'm also still alive. [ It's a lower, softer brusque tone than he usually has. Eyes a clear and fiery bright silver-grey, but he's also moving again.

Breaking away as he grips his own left wrist with his right, draws again the luminous exorcising greatsword from it, and bounds around Shouto at the demon that's pulled itself up out of the coffin with a death rattle scream, its skin already burning.

One strike, straight through the core now that it's separated itself from his heart. With a merciless sort of mercy. ]

Edited 2022-07-18 02:21 (UTC)

[ Pain is part of life.

It feels like a storm hitting a dam, letting himself feel what he buried for so long. Love twists itself into grief, demanding its toll, and he clutches at his chest so tightly it feels like an open wound. Shouto stills. An unmoving statue. Hurting, grieving for a life that stands beside him. And that may be the worst of it, missing someone who is there. It made it all the more confusing. The moment Allen returned, that loss felt like a poison tainting their time together, and he felt guilty for mourning someone who smiled at him, whose laugh still carried in the wind.

Grieving your love.

The garden starts to bloom again, and blue autumn bellflowers stretch their petals to the moonlight, drinking in the light. Tears rim the edge of his lashes, and the wisdom of tears bleeds out the poison he's been carrying for so long. Allen moves into his line of sight. He barely notices until a gloved hand tips his head up, derailing his line of thought. Tears stop flowing as he stares into the evening star, gaining strength from its light until an airy, delicate touch at the corner of his mouth breaks the illusion.

I'm also still alive.

His heart pounds in his ears as Allen breaks away to draw his great sword glowing brightly. It strikes down the twisted rotten thing, already burning in the light, and after everything they went through to find it. All that they sacrificed to reach it, Shouto can't even pay attention to its final moments. Dazed and confused, he's still staring at Allen instead of the demon. Its shriek is silent as it passes into the void while the soul it tried to invade stares dumbly at his savior cloaked in white.

I love you who are sad.

The garden of blue turns red, mirroring the jittery figure sitting amid the garden. Beside him, the heart wakes from its slumber, and the white casket disappears leaving the prince to stretch out amid the red petals, smiling gently at them. ]

You brought him here.

[ The Prince teases Shouto, a playful smile at the corner of his mouth. ]

What did you think would happen?

Edited 2022-07-18 04:36 (UTC)

[ Even after everything it's put them through, even hating it for doing what it did... he's grateful that he was the one to get the final blow in, even if he wouldn't have asked for it. His eye screamed "beast", after all. He knew there was a soul there, even if one so blackened and twisted he couldn't make it out.

So maybe... just maybe, whoever or whatever it had once been... maybe that part of them might be able to still find peace. So he breathes out in relief as it shatters into fragments, consumed by a bright white light that radiates out from within, and lingers for a moment as he steadies himself.

It's... over? (Would that mean they'd return to reality then?)

He straightens, turning back around to Shouto as he returns his sword to his arm. Ah... both of them? He blinks at the appearance of the prince, awake now, not so much surprised at another iteration of Shouto but his... expression? He stares for a moment at that, honestly baffled as much as fascinated. Before he catches what he says, processing that while looking back and catching Shouto's expression and... blushing a touch. As... that all catches back up with him. Oh.

......... Oh.

He. Acted without thinking. And he hesitates for a moment, looking uncertainly between the two briefly as the edges of his cloak drift restlessly among the flowers in white and red. A touch fidgety. ]

...Shouto?

[ Say.... something? ]

Edited 2022-07-18 05:23 (UTC)

[ The Prince takes pity on himself and answers in his stead. ]

Do you know where you are?

[ He sits up, and the petals he crushed bounce back, white now instead of red. ]

I'll give you a hint.

[ Delicately, he picks up the book held close to his heart, turning the pages until he finds what he's looking for. ]

Take a look.

[ He turns over the hardcover, its thick pages lined with neat handwriting. He won't let him lay a finger on it, but just this once, he'll let him read a page. ]

We woke up before sunrise to feed the koi. Breakfast was strawberry crepes with a fruit compote. It was too sweet for me, but Allen seemed to like it. I asked the owner if I could buy another one for Sunday brunch.

I restocked my supplies of bath bombs today. I asked the clerk which was best for people who like baths. I got twenty of them.

I found the tea Allen likes at the market. I bought two cans. I'll give him both when he moves into Sanctuary. It's too strong for me.

I found a book on physical therapy and started practicing the techniques for leg mobility. Adding heat helps relax cramping muscles and increases the blood flow. Applying cold helps reduce swelling, inflammation, and pain. I started practicing on Kizu today.

Allen overfed the koi again. Kizu said I should take away his feeding privileges, but he seems to like feeding them. I'll start portioning out the correct amounts for him from now on.

I was on patrol today and got a text from Allen. It was an odd picture. It's supposed to be funny. I didn't get it. I saved it to my Omni.

[ The text goes on. Little snippets in the style of diary entries that by themselves didn't amount to much until they were all gathered in one place, building a picture that took on a different form. ]

Edited 2022-07-18 06:10 (UTC)

[ Give him a... hint? Who is this coy person and what have you done with Shouto.

Gaze flickering a bit nervously (guiltily?) back and forth between the two, Allen hesitates visibly, leaning more in the direction of the Shouto he knows. (Shouto. Please say something. Shouto...) But... at the beck, he edges closer to the prince. Crouching down among the flowers to peer closer (is that okay? really?) at the pages. It's hard to say what he would have actually expected to be there, but this...

He blinks. Not quite getting it at first (diary entries? some about him? ... no, all about him, aren't they? and it's no diary), before he starts to and raises a hand up. Almost touching the page with a strange sort of reverence, before he stops himself with a quick look up at the prince. Uncertain, even if all of this... he knew some, but--

Gaze flickering rapidly for a moment between the pages and the more refined Shouto, up, down, up, his expression is just... lightly caught. Oh. He is a clever boy, after all. He's very good at reading between the lines. But...

...he feels a little guilty for looking too. Like peeking into something he shouldn't have, even if he was told it was alright. He doesn't need a hint; he doesn't cheat like that. He already figured his feelings out a while ago -- at least enough and in the very simple sort of way someone as damaged as him can begin to do that, someone who freely loves so strongly and openly but in usually such a lonely way, and that had involved trying to figure out Shouto's feelings too.

Because sometimes it's just as simple as realizing you're both just happier when together than when not, and it doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. That's what Viktor helped him realize.

It's also why he gives a small huff, eyes sliding aside with a faintly sulky blush as he gives his answer. ]

I said it before. I'm where I want to be.

[ Still. His expression gentles, looking back over at the real Shouto for some kind of response. Any kind of response. Are you okay...? ...please...? Everything is alright now, right? ]

Edited 2022-07-18 13:32 (UTC)

[ Fitted in a perfectly tailored outfit, stylish and glittering with golden thread, the Prince looks nothing like Shouto while bearing the same face. Amused by his hesitation, he lets him approach the sacred text left in his care. When he draws too close, hand stretched out to touch it, he snaps the leather spine shut. ]

Too close.

[ In his hand, the book reshapes itself, transforming into red and white petals that tumble from his fingers onto the garden. He keeps a hold of a single red petal and looks to his counterpart, who stares back at their guest, looking a little flustered, following their discourse.

I'm where I want to be.

The final puzzle piece slides into place, bridging his feelings with the cherished picture he's formed of Allen in their time together. It's hard to misconstrue his words when accompanied by that kind of straightforward action. Harder still not to realize his feelings on the matter amid the garden of his own heart.

I want you here too. I don’t think I could have brought anyone else.
You brought him here. What did you think would happen?

This time, it's his turn to blush, meeting Allen's eyes when he turns to look at him. Shyly, he covers his mouth. ]

... I want you here too.

Edited 2022-07-19 03:42 (UTC)

[ He is... so relieved. Having gotten more nervous and fidgety the longer Shouto kept staring at him without saying anything. Had he fucked up? Oh god what if he'd fucked up. So when he meets his eyes finally so bashfully with that small sort of blush--

Allen blinks. Stares too-- and then bites his lip lightly, smiling, and drops his gaze shyly as well. It's the same thing he said before too, but this sort of context... He just smiles so quietly, warmed by the fragile sort of feeling that's fanned by that. Something small but so joyful and bright as a supernova. Even his downy cloak that both absorbs and reflects the moonlight subtly seems to radiate so much more brightly for a moment with it.

His fingers twitch lightly against the bed of flowers, like he wants to inch closer to touch Shouto's hand, but is a little too shy to for once. ]

Do you... want to go home? [ Home. The thing he didn't have until you brought him back with you, you know? Not anything to do with places, but that quiet and content sense of belonging. The happiness of having people you want to return back to and see again. Needing and being needed. Something Allen is so used to not ever having, to the point where when he does...

It's special. So special.

Sanctuary is rapidly becoming something that's a big part of him and his heart, believing in a safe place where people will feel cared for; his purpose, but... it also isn't that. Isn't home. And thus part of the mistake he realized he'd made. Presuming it was convenient and part of him finding a new home there. It was a place, an important place, so important with so many people that are dear to him filling it up and yes, making it feel like a family, but... It wasn't-- the same.

Because that's what love means to Allen: home.

That's why he looks back up as he says it, voice soft and demeanor gentle. Smiling quietly with such a warm sort of contentment, his anxiousness gone. Maybe looking a little fragile and vulnerable, but also like he's perfectly okay with that. Those things don't make someone weak. ]

Together.

Edited 2022-07-19 18:16 (UTC)

[ Bathed in holy light, the flowers curl past the divide, spilling onto the wooden flooring, adorning the cracks with bursts of red and white. Near the garden, lined with delicate bell-shaped blooms, the fractured wood starts to knit itself together while Shouto works through the complicated enchantment he's uncovered.

And then there's Allen, shining like an evening star in the summer night, offering companionship. The one thing he was always denied and learned to live without.

Home.

It holds a different meaning to someone who grew up in a loveless, broken home. Raised for the sole purpose of defeating his father's rival, Shouto was constantly reminded of the calculated, heartless reason for his creation. Home was a training ground, his siblings wasted potential, his mother's love a weakness, and he a vessel for his father's ambitions. Home was hell. A place of breaking where every moment of peace was paid for upfront. Every good thing in his life, he carved out of rot, carefully selecting what to keep and what to discard, creating harmony in a carefully contained area.

His Home.

The one Allen knows was built in the same manner. Derived not by chance but by toil and labor. It was an idea made real, cultivated by an earnest desire to build on what was there, like a carefully curated bonsai tree. That's what love means to him. A bond built from hard work, harmony, patience, and a little luck. All from an earnest desire to connect with someone. To see them happy.

Overwhelmed by his burgeoning feelings, heat radiates from his quiet form, clashing with the cold on the other side. Stirring an upheaval building in his form, he lets out a puff of white smoke, mist and steam, exposing his jittery state. Yet, he meets Allen's shyness with reassurance, reaching out to him, taking his hand, warm where his other is cold. ]

Together.

[ He confirms, lacing their fingers together in an earnest grip. Even if he's a little overwhelmed, his hand is steady. That feeling of admiration he's felt for Allen for some time now quietly turns on its head, and he regards him in a new light. ]

Let's go home together. [ He stands, bringing Allen with him to face the Prince, who rises to his feet, stretching out his limbs. Having been contained for so long, freedom tastes sweet. ] How do we leave?

[ Shouto addresses himself without issue, earning a faint grin from the Prince. ] Leaving is easy. All you have to do is walk out the door.

[ He says, pointing to the entrance of the broken castle glowing a little brighter under the full moon. The double doors lay open, revealing the same stone path they took, half twisting with heated flames, half buried in snow.

When they turn back to the garden, the Prince is gone. The castle lies broken, and Kizu is buried in his earliest memories. Even so, it feels like a victory, maybe because he's not alone. ]

Edited 2022-07-20 16:41 (UTC)

[ Was that... smoke? Allen blinks for a moment, honestly a little fascinated by that, but that Shouto reaches out to him... He lets out a slightly shaky breath he didn't realize he'd been holding, lacing his fingers in return with him. Firm and steady, like a promise.

Together. His throat feels so tight at that, but he cocks his head to the side with such a bright and happy smile -- even if his eyes sting. So crushingly relieved. ]

Mn.

[ With the door indicated and the Prince gone, something that Allen hesitates for a moment on, looking back thoughtfully at the garden with a gentle and contemplative sort of expression, he turns back to Shouto. The castle is broken yes, but as evidenced by what is slowly starting to reknit around them... things don't stay broken forever, do they?

And he promised to be here for him when he was. So it'll be alright.

Because saying something like "I want to be with you..." it's tied to the kind of promise he only ever made once before, you know? Even if silently to himself. The first time he had felt happiness together with someone.

So this time it's my turn to make you happy...
That's why I'll become your 'Allen.'

And Mana was broken too.

Being happier together than when not. Wanting to make someone else happy because they make you happy; not even for any specific reason, but just by being themselves... Viktor was right in that it really is just that simple sometimes. So Allen tips his head back and smiles carefree and bright to Shouto, giving his hand an affectionate squeeze. ]

Let's celebrate with a big breakfast tomorrow, okay? [ Because honestly, after tonight... he just wants to sleep. But he smiles so radiantly, so easy going and at-ease, and tugs him lightly forward by the hand.

Let's go home then. ]

Edited 2022-07-20 22:24 (UTC)

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Alone

“Alone”

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i feel like i should make the "i'm sorry my protag has no chill" apology...

I make no apologies for this disaster! Good luck dealing with two of them!

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