deercountry | Shen Yuan | November Catch-All

"No."

The answer is firm and assured. There is none of his hesitance and uncertainty that has plagued him since coming here.

No, longer than that. Though not much.

"I know what it is to take the life of someone you care about. I know what it is like to look upon lives lost, and wonder if there was, perhaps, some other way. I know very well what it is to have that pain and regret tear you apart from the inside out."

And he knew what needed to be done about it, what his Sect would demand of him, and he knew it was wrong. He would languish in isolation as the wounds bore deeper into him evermore until grief was all he knew.

That would not happen to his friend.

"I would be a poor friend if I let you deteriorate in such a way."

Tears still stream down his face, but somehow...the look on Lan Xichen's face, his voice, his arm still wrapped around Shen Yuan's body...they reach him somehow in the depths of his misery, and he finds himself at least a little comforted.

"Lan Xichen-gongzi is truly a good man," he whispers, and lets his head rest on Lan Xichen's shoulder once more. "A good friend."

A part of him wants to ask who Lan Xichen hurt, who he is still mourning, but he shies away from going through with it, his own wounds too raw to stand re-opening another's. Maybe some other time; and that at least he can bring himself to say out loud. "If Lan-gongzi ever wishes to unburden himself to me," he whispers, "if he thinks it would help, this one will listen."

He laughs wetly, the sound still half a sob. "This one will not even insist that he get drunk first."

"Shen-gongzi's words are kind," he says. "And one day this one will explain what happened. But not tonight."

There is a gentle squeeze to his shoulder, a small hum that is almost a laugh at the thought Shen Yuan thought anyone could insist on getting the First Jade of Lan drunk. While there were many Sect rules he bent (or broke), that was one he adhered to quite closely.

"Tonight, it is your own pain you need to begin setting down and you cannot do that if you are burdened by my own. Just know you that you do not have to do it in isolation."

Shen Yuan nods, relieved that they're both on the same page, and settles down again, tucked up against Lan Xichen's side. It's surprisingly comfortable, and warm in a way that has nothing to do with Lan Xichen's body temperature.

Eventually he sighs heavily and asks, "Lan-gongzi is truly good and kind. Is there nothing he wishes to ask this one, since he so generously pledged his help?"

Surely he wants to know what they could potentially be up against.

It's a good thing that the low light hides the faint blueish hue in his ears and cheeks. Shen Yuan is quite like Huaisang, used to a certain amount of affection and not shy about getting it, even if he has to fall into the arms of his san-ge and er-ge.

(Though the only reaction Huaisang gets is exasperated indulgence. He doesn't make the burning chill rise in Xichen's face and that's a lot to unpack right now.)

"A few, but they aren't immediately pressing. For now, I want to make sure you're alright."

"Mm." Shen Yuan doesn't move a single millimeter. He's comfortable now, and he's not going to look into it any further than that.

...Well. Maybe there is one more thing to consider. "Does Lan-gongzi intend to stay the night, in that case? This one has no objections... actually, I'd prefer it. It's cold and unsafe outside just now, and this one would blame himself if anything happened to Lan-gongzi on his way home in the dark."

He sounds perfectly calm about this, too emotionally burned out to even get embarrassed. He doesn't want Lan Xichen to go, and there are several very good reasons why he should say.

The cold is no excuse to keep him; these days, even the most bitter of frost feels like little more than the gentle and refreshing tickle of snowflakes. And he is not the one drunk. He can fly home just fine.

But...

Xichen sees no reason to move Shen Yuan. If something as simple as being a shoulder to lean on can lend him some small comfort, then he will stay put.

That is reason enough.

"Yes. I will send a message to A-Yao so he doesn't worry. He cares about you a great deal."

"I care for him too," Shen Yuan admits, interrupting himself with a wide, jaw-cracking yawn. "I don't think I'd even known how lonely I was until he appeared and said something nice about my guqin playing..."

He starts to lean more heavily onto Lan Xichen's shoulder, drowsiness weighing heavily on his shoulders like a warm, fluffy coat.

"He's very dear to me," Shen Yuan mumbles. "Feels like we understand each other better than anyone else does..."

There is a brief moment of joy; that sounds like Jin Guangyao, finding some small kindness to reach out to another. Most of the time, Xichen expected it was genuine.

Feels like we understand each other better than anyone else does...

Shen Yuan's next words lance through his heart.

Xichen had once felt very much the same, but now... now he felt as though he understood nothing, and had lost almost everything.

Almost. But Jin Guangyao was alive.

It's enough, he reminds himself not for the first time.

"Shen-gongzi should rest. We can talk more tomorrow."

He manages a smile. It's a weak thing, but sincere.

"I will stay."

And Shen Yuan mumbles a, "thank you," into Lan Xichen's shoulder, already nearly asleep, and entirely unaware of his pillow-friend's turmoil.

In the morning dignity will return, and with it embarrassment and shyness about expressing his inner feelings. But for now, however temporarily, he's warm, safe, and understood.

When Shen Yuan wakes, he'll find himself laid out and tucked neatly into bed. There is a tall glass of water on the table beside him and another basin with a washcloth so that he could wipe his face.

Xichen, true to his word, stayed all night. He's presently sitting on a mat, in a shallow sort of meditation. Enough to give his mind rest, but not so deep that he cannot be quickly roused.

When he hears Shen Yuan stir, he cracks open an eye.

"Good morning," he greets, keeping his voice quiet. He may never have experienced a hangover in his life, but one of his disciples is Lan Jingyi who may or may not have heard about the exploits of Wei Wuxian in his younger years, and seems determined to give the Yiling Patriarch a run for his money.

"How does Shen Gongzi feel...?"

Shen Yuan groans, pulling the blanket back over his head.

"Terrible," he groans from behind cover. "Wondering how Lan-gongzi can stand to look me in the eye." But that's his own embarrassment talking; no doubt a serene master cultivator like Lan Xichen doesn't even care how badly this Shen Yuan embarrassed himself last night. At least, said Shen Yuan hopes he doesn't.

He pushes the covers back again and forces himself to sit up, rubbing at his eyes. "I remember...most of last night, I think," he announces to the room at large, since he really can't handle looking at Lan Xichen directly just now. "Lan-gongzi really was outstandingly kind."

"Shen-gongzi did nothing to warrant unkindness, or embarrassment."

He gets slowly to his feet, and picks up the glass, passing it to Shen Yuan.

"I am honoured you felt you could speak frankly to me."

"Thank you," he whispers, accepting the glass. He can't agree with that statement, but dignity isn't so important to him that he'll openly contradict Lan Xichen in the moment. He'll just have to think of some way to make up for it later, and be more careful about drinking in the future.

After he's wet his throat, he finally gets it together enough to mention, "This one seems to recall speaking quite freely on a number of things last night, of greater or lesser importance."

It's not a question; more of an offering, to allow Lan Xichen to choose their course from here. Shen Yuan certainly hasn't proven himself to be possessed of any great gift for good judgement.

"All seemed quite important to this one," he says, and sits at the edge of the bed so he isn't looming over Shen Yuan. He folds his hands in his lap, his next words measured.

"...He would be glad if we could continue our earlier conversations, when Shen-gongzi is feeling better. This one has questions better answered when sober."

"Heh. I doubt Lan-gongzi cared much for this one's idea of poetry." Yes, Shen Yuan remembers singing *pop songs* at Lan Xichen and teasing him for not knowing them. Kill him now.

"But let this one assure Lan-gongzi, he is feeling entirely sober now. Painfully so," Shen Yuan adds, rubbing at the acupoint just above his ear. So this is what a hangover feels like. He never wants to feel this rotten ever again. "Just let me freshen up," he starts to say, climbing out of bed, "and I'll answer any questions Lan-gongzi cared to ask."

So, the million yuan question: did Lan Xichen take any of Shen Yuan's clothes off while he was asleep??

"On the contrary, I found the poetry refreshing," he remarks idly.

He watches as Shen Yuan gets up, but is relieved to find that he seems in good health other than his hangover.

"It is early enough in the day for breakfast still. Does Shen-gongzi have an appetite...?"

Alas, Lan Xichen is a good boy who only took off Shen Yuan's shoes and very outermost robe, the former set out by the side of the bed and the latter nneatly folded at the end.

Shen Yuan coughs a little at hearing pop songs called poetry, but is too embarrassed to contradict him. Hopefully that never comes up again! It would be terrible if Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang teamed up to make him sing again with peer pressure, just sayin'.

He washes his hands and face and puts his outer robe back on with great relief. Sure it's rumpled and his hair ribbon is missing, but at least he's technically fully clothed. He turns to face Lan Xichen again and says apologetically, "This doubts he could stomach food right now, but Lan-gongzi is kind to offer." It occurs to him in a miserable little flash that Lan Xichen might not have had breakfast either, if he was watching over Shen Yuan all morning, and he groans again with embarrassment, rubbing his head. "Perhaps, if Lan-gongzi has no other plans, he will allow this one to treat him to lunch? But he shouldn't feel obligated, by any means." No, Shen Yuan's the one with all the obligations here.

Finally he runs out of reasons to put it off and sits back down on the bed, facing Lan Xichen. "Lan-gongzi had questions?" he asks leadingly.

"When Shen-gongzi can stomach something to eat, we can order something or head out. There is no hurry on my part."

He could easily go a week without food, provided he didn't expel too much energy. A few hours was no matter at all.

"Which would you prefer to discuss first? The matter of the Tower, or the matter of your disciple?"

Just jumping right into it, then. Shen Yuan nods, considering his answer for a moment before folding his hands in his lap and saying, "Concerning the Tower, this one remains unsure as to what can be done. This one isn't unwilling to help, simply unsure of how to do so effectively. And there remains the question of whether the Tower is really ill at all, or if this isn't all some sadistic trick." Although Shen Yuan himself seems to doubt the plausibility of his words. It *is* a little overly paranoid, as theories go.

"As for my disciple..." he signs again, that old worry's restrictive weight once again falling 'round his neck. "This one will not conceal anything from Lan-gongzi any more. Where would be the benefit, when he already knows the most damning points? Ask whatever you wish."

It's clear that, for all the comfort and sympathy Lan Xichen offered him last night while he was indisposed, here in the harsh light of day Shen Yuan still fully expects to be condemned for his choices. It's how he feels about himself, after all.

Edited 2022-11-13 09:41 (UTC)

He listens intently to the discussion of the Tower - indeed, nothing can be done about it at the moment, so that's something to file away until they can get more information.

But moving on...

"For starters, I would ask what you think the best course of action for keeping you safe is, should he arrive here."

That...is not what Shen Yuan expected him to ask.

"I..." He clears his throat awkwardly, picks the glass of water back up and drinks from it while he tries to think. "I don't know?" he finally says hesitantly. "I've not been using the name he knew me by, since I arrived here, but he still might know me by my face or Xiu Ya. And there's my oath as well; I swore not to run from him."

He plays with the glass in his hands, turning it round and round nervously. "He's very powerful," he finally whispers. "I dare not consider what the outcome might be, if any of my new friends tried to fight him."

"You do not have to run from him," he explains, turning over this information carefully in his head. "There are ways of speaking to another here without having to do it face-to-face, until you can ascertain his motives. Moreover..."

He offers a reassuring smile.

"He is not the only powerful person to wash up on these shores."

Shen Yuan smiles back uncertainly. He can tell Lan Xichen is trying to be reassuring, but...

"But he's the protagonist," Shen Yuan finally points out. "He's half demon, a dreamwalker, in the book he conquered and unified the three realms...even if he doesn't bring his sword Xin Mo with him," (Yes, Binghe's sword is called 'Heart Demon.' Because he's a protagonist, not a hero.) "He would easily be one of the most powerful individuals here. How...does Lan-gongzi really believe he has the means to suppress such a person?"

"Shen Yuan mentioned books on the shelf before..." he murmurs, thoughtful, an idea gradually beginning to form. He's not even going to start on the name of the sword. What kind of a hack writes this stuff...?

"Luo Binghe is the protagonist of the book you found yourself suddenly a part of. But this place is not his book."

He smiles, and there's an air of mischief.

"Who is to say he will not meet his match in others here?"

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