deercountry | (closed) february catchall

[ What does she think?

That's a good question, isn't it. Especially when it feels so hard to reconcile the Jinx in her mind, the one she spends time with one on one, with the one who's saying this stuff out in public. Sure, she knows Jinx has violent tendencies, and Chizuru also thinks that there are some issues causing those. Issues she's caught glimpses of.

But she thought those tendencies were limited to what Chizuru had seen. Not this. ]

I really thought she was trying to be better. [ Her voice is quiet, but still audible to Robby, even though that might change if she were to go even more quiet than this. ] I talked to her about being violent a lot. I tried to explain to her why it-- why it isn't a good thing. And whenever I did, she.. listened. She stopped.

[ Her thumb idly runs across the device in her lap, just to give her body something to do while her mind is busy twisting itself in pretzels over this. ]

I just..

[ Chizuru swallows. When she speaks up again, her voice cracks in the middle of her statement-- ]

I just wanted to make her happy.

[ -- followed by a sob.

Tears start falling from her eyes, dripping down onto her Omni, blurring the words on the screen. ]

I thought I was making things better. E-- Everyone said I was. I thought I was showing her that life is about so much more, that random violence like that isn't necessary..

[ Chizuru still doesn't look up.

Her shoulders shake. ]

I guess I'm doing really poorly at that after all.. [ Not that that is why Robby said any of this. But it's just the way Chizuru's mind works. Robby can easily point out why this is worrisome for Chizuru, and ask her what she wants, and instead the girl's mind opts to focus on this differently, seeing it as a personal failure to do something for someone else. ]

--No.

[ He held his tongue, but when Robby hears the last of what Chizuru says, there's barely room between her words and his single one. He takes a hold of her hand closest to his, rests around it as best he can, and faces her fully. The frown he wears matching his stitched brows, and he thinks about wiping her tears, but opts to take his other hand and rest it instead on her shoulder, near the crook of Chizuru's neck. ]

This isn't your fault. Who Jinx is and who she isn't, maybe you are making her better, but that's not your problem to fix. [ ... ] Chizuru.

[ He slips his hand to touch the side of her face; not her cheek completely, but a nudge in his hand that doesn't demand, but encourages her to look at him. ]

This isn't your fault, [ he repeats again--because she needs to hear it, and he knows how hard it is for her to believe them. ] You can help her, but if this is Jinx being better, and if saying this stuff makes her happy... does it make you happy? Would you be okay with it, even if she didn't say it in front of you?

[ Robby pauses, and adds softly: ] I just want you to be happy, too. Jinx might not hurt anyone, but I need you to look out for yourself. And the fact you're feeling this way... [ Cry, hurt. ]

Don't do anything that would make you uncomfortable. Not for anyone.

[ Chizuru allows her head to be turned with the touch of his hand, now staring at Robby, even though she's still very much visibly crying - blinking at him from behind very watery eyes.

Despite the crying, though, her focus does seem to be on him. She's quiet, seeming to listen to the words he's saying here, before swallowing thickly in order to be able to speak again at all through the tears. ]

No, I.. I don't know anymore.

[ What she's feeling, mostly. Is she uncomfortable? She doesn't know. All she knows is that it hurts, because she's mad at herself. Somehow all of this feels like it's her fault - or maybe that's just because that's always where Chizuru lays the blame by default.

She shakes her head, but only lightly, not enough to lose that hand against the side of her face. ]

It.. doesn't make me happy to see this. [ She does know that. Because it's scary to see anyone at all speak like that, let alone someone Chizuru cares about. Because she doesn't think it's good for Jinx herself either to say this sort of stuff, for a myriad of reasons. ] But I-- I don't know what to do.

[ There's something pleading in it. In her tone, in her eyes as she looks at Robby. ]

I can't tell her to stop if this is how she wants to be, right..? [ It feels too rude. Like Chizuru denying Jinx the opportunity to just be herself. Even if this is scary, and even though Chizuru doesn't like it, she doesn't want anyone to be forced to change for her sake.

Chizuru isn't worth that. ]

What if I talk to her about it and really hurt her..?

[ ...it's difficult. Even if he's wary, he doesn't want to give answers in the extremes, regardless of his distrust. Robby sighs quietly, glancing away briefly. ]

You need to talk about this someday. The longer you don't, the more likely it is to blow up in your face. [ His mouth pulls, a grimace of a smile. ] I've seen it from both sides. It sucks--but it's better to be honest.

[ Even if it might hurt anyway, keeping secrets doesn't help. But this is for Chizuru, and thinking about it a little: ]

Your trial period's over soon, right? You could wait it out... or you could ask her if she really feels the way she does about the stuff she talks about. [ He pauses again, rolling his lips together, a frown that's stretched. ] --But you don't have to figure it out right now. Just decide what you want, and what you can handle in another person. Do your best to be honest.

[ It's the single advice he keeps coming back to, because he knows Chizuru--he knows she'll approach the subject more delicate than he could any. For right now, he cocks his head slightly, gives a quiet 'hey?', then nods his head back--an indication, if she wants, to lean into him and just to cry for a while; like she has before, and like she can whenever she needs to.

Right now, this is the best he can give her--to let her stop trying to think, and to just be upset. ]

[ Without saying anything, Chizuru just allows herself to indulge in his invitation. She moves even closer, scooting over until she's so close to him that she can just tuck herself against him entirely. Her own chest resting against Robby's, her face buried against his shoulder like she just wants to hide from the world for a few moments.

She'll stuck to his advice - that much she knows. If Robby, who is always thoughtful in his own way, says that it's best to be honest, then it probably is. It means that Chizuru should talk to Jinx about it, and although that's nerve-inducing for a myriad of reasons, she'll.. do her best.

She just hopes it'll really be for the better in the end.

For now though - there's just more tears. Her shoulders shake as she soundlessly cries against her friend's shoulder, her hands tightly gripping onto him like he's a liferaft in the middle of a stormy sea.

Chizuru doesn't know what else to do. She doesn't know what she can do, other than just throw out all her emotions like this.

The only thing she manages to force out between tears, speech muffled against his shoulder, is: ]

I-Is it always this complicated..?

[ Dating, she probably means, though it's anyone's guess. ]

[ He lets his arm stay wedged between Chizuru and the sofa, his body leaned slightly, turned in her direction, so she can be pressed against him as she prefers. An arm coming behind her head, stroking the hair idly, a soothing kind of gesture he remembers his mom doing for him sometimes. When he was younger, when it was never just a short moment between them.

This was one of the worries he always had about the pair, how compatible Chizuru and Jinx's differences could really be. But Robby doesn't speak again until he's spoken to, voice softer with her head under his. ]

People are complicated. [ Dating, relationships in general. ] Everyone's got something that makes them the way they are... and a lot of people sit behind excuses about why they can't change their problems. Everything can be good in the world, and there'll always be selfish people, or people who can't see their own faults, and it never sticks with them.

And it sucks, [ he says, ] when everything else feels fine with someone, but you find out that one thing....and everything crumbles.

[ And then you don't know how you feel about them anymore. ]

[ Chizuru swallows in the middle of her tears.

Those words - it feels like there's more to them. The kind of 'more' that doesn't take a genius to figure out, considering what Robby contacted her about only just this month. Robby finding out about what had happened to his father, and so much around him crumbling because of it. ]

It.. u-um.

[ It's hard to talk while crying. Chizuru mostly keeps resting against him, but she pulls her head back just enough for her to be able to wipe at her face with one of her hands, like she's trying to get rid of the tears so she can speak. ]

It must have hurt for you like this too, huh..? When you-- um, you know, with everything you found out early this month...

[ He had been thinking about Tory.

But Robby doesn't say anything to Chizuru's observation immediately. Might give something away by the tug of his mouth, eyes looking at her. But he takes a silent breath and glances down, a more dissatisfied expression. ]

A lot of relationships end that way. [ It was a kiss. It was a lack of trust perceived. ] ...but yeah, it hurt. But, [ he adds after a beat, a lift to his voice, softly fond, ] someone gave me the best sleepover I've ever had and made me feel better.

[ He brushes the back of his fingers against her upper arm, a gentle gesture. ]

It could've been worse for me.

[ She sniffs. ]

Well..

[ Her hand rubs at her face for another moment, but then it drops. It leaves her face visible - and there's definitely still marks left behind by the crying. The girl's eyes are still kind of watery and red, the tears having left behind stains on her cheeks.

But even though she still doesn't seem fully over her upset and complicated feelings, she tries to smile a little bit at Robby all the same. ]

.. I got a friend looking out for me in return. [ She softly says.

That's why Robby came here, after all, right? Why would he have told her if he wasn't worried about her? If he didn't know her well enough to know that Chizuru's heart would be cast into disarray upon seeing all of this? ]

[ He tugs on a smile of his own at hers, taking in her face--the tears, the discolouration of her skin from her emotions, the pull of her lips--with some sympathy, but something more, too. Because it's Chizuru, and it's them; a friendship that's looked out for one another since Robby's been here, and even if things might seem bad right now-- ]

Always. [ Robby is sure of that fact. He leans in himself this time, not fully pressing himself against her, but curling more in their space, head leaning on the back of the couch. His eyes still just managing to catch hers if he looks down, and she up. ]

Sorry I brought up a bummer to your first dating test. [ He half-hopes it's okay to semi-joke in this way. Something. That it's not too soon to ask after a small pause, ] Did you enjoy it?

[ Were there parts about it she at least liked? ]

[ Honestly, Chizuru can't fully help the way she moves into the leaning motion herself. Robby may not be fully leaning in, but in the middle of the complicated emotions and thoughts that still swirl around in the back of her mind, Chizuru innately wants that comfort, that reassurance of having a friend so close by.

At least it does seem to calm the girl down a little. It doesn't erase the worries, sure, but it pushes them down a little. Just for now.

Just enough for her to breathe, and then nod, sincerely answering the question. ]

It was nice.. [ Even if it happened to hit this bump in the road right near the end - she can't deny this much. ] I'm.. still not sure if I really understand dating well.

[ But that's definitely a Her Problem, Chizuru knows. All of it is a little too foreign for her to understand so quickly. ]

But talking a lot, and doing fun things with someone.. that's nice.

That's good. It's not really different from just spending time with a friend that way.

[ On some basic level. It's the feelings part that makes it different, the desired intimacy--if any--that comes along with it. But Robby doesn't feel the need to add that when he's already told Chizuru as much already. It's more of a reassurance, that there wasn't anything wrong with it.

At least, not that part. ]

First time I dated someone? Her name was Sarah, and I was in middle school. I asked her if she wanted to date in history class, and I was so nervous--she was my first kiss, and we used to hang out sometimes before class, but never lunch. You used to do that with your guy friends, and she'd sit with her girls.

We hung out after school sometimes. It's embarrassing, thinking about it now. [ There's a laugh in his voice, remembering; tickled by old, vague memories. ] We didn't do a lot, but one day I went to sit with her in history class, and her friend was already sitting there, and she told me she wasn't actually that into me.

Being honest? It wasn't that exciting for me either, but I was crushed for weeks. I had to sit in that class with her every week.

[ Robby is putting Chizuru through a real challenge here by trying to make her imagine this complex modern teenagers social scene while she's already not feeling her best necessarily..

But she's doing her best to keep up. She figures that Robby is telling her this story for her benefit, after all, because.. well, it's just what Robby is like. He's always trying to think of ways to make her feel better.

Even if she's not so sure what about this is supposed to make her feel better. Maybe it's just supposed to make it feel more relatable? That this stuff often happens when you date..?

It leaves Chizuru quiet and a touch puzzled for a moment, but then she slowly speaks up again. ]

Why did you feel crushed though if you didn't find it exciting..?

[ Really, he's aiming for 'fill in the air with meaningless chatter so Chizuru doesn't have to think hard', but Robby might be underestimating Chizuru's need to be on her a-game. Even so, give him a second to think about that question. Why did he feel that way? Embarrassment, sure, but... ]

Pride. [ Yeah, that was probably it, huh. ] I felt like I should've done something more, or that I didn't really get this dating stuff. Maybe I missed my chance 'cause I should've taken her out more. [ A little Robby being a proper lady killer. ...girl killer.

But his voice is light, not serious. He chuckles, barely a sound. ]

The thing is, a lot of us are clueless about dating. But I bet you did a lot better than me on your first date.

W-Well, I.. don't know about that.

[ The answer is a little flustered, but nothing that seems to make Chizuru too sad. Maybe it's since Robby speaks about it so nonchalantly too, and Chizuru doesn't want to be the one dragging this down when Robby is trying so hard to pull it up.

It might be why there's a very thin smile on her lips when she raises her head again after shyly ducking it, actually looking back over at Robby. ]

But the rest of it.. I think I get that.

[ Even though it's kind of weird to imagine someone else feeling the same way she does. Chizuru is so hard on herself that it feels baffling that someone else could be even remotely hard on themselves too..

Especially in such a similar way. ]

Even now, I'm not really sure if I understood the dating thing well.. And whether I should've done more, or less, or.. [ ...

Chizuru's voice trails off, and the girl shakes her head. ]

I just hope I have made her happy. [ Despite this last hurdle. Sure, it would maybe be easier to just.. ignore this, and let their dating period end peacefully.. But something about that doesn't feel right. Not for Chizuru's sake, but-- even more so, not for Jinx's sake either. ] Just that would be enough.

[ ...only Chizuru can hear an awfully embarrassing attempt at a young relationship and not think it's that bad. Granted, it did have a lot less revealing 'your girlfriend loves to talk about torture and killing' involved, but is cringe truly that far off from such horrors? It's a matter of opinion, really.

But what's just as typically Chizuru is that last remark--I just hope I have made her happy. That that would be what's on her mind than anything else, like a crippling disappointment. Has he thought that about Tory? No, he knows he hasn't; because in the space where such thoughts would be is an emptiness where that end exists. A relationship that just ended, and he isn't sure yet how--or if--the pieces will ever fit back together.

He's always been more selfish--more selfish than someone like Chizuru, who's selfless to a fault.

Robby rubs his hand against her arm as a reassurance, tipping his head to slightly rest above hers. Looking off, and saying softly, ] You were good, Chizuru. You tried your best--none of this changes that.

[ And that means something, even if it doesn't seem like it. ]

People don't always work out.

[ Chizuru seems to contemplate his words, especially those last few, for a moment. It's too much to think about herself being good after all, so it's easier for her brain to linger on the other thing instead.

For a moment the girl's lips are tightly pressed together in thought. Thinking too much about this topic, and what she'll have to talk to Jinx about, threatens to tie her brain into pretzels, but.. ]

.. it's not over yet.

[ Her voice is soft as she says it. ]

There's still a few days left until the end of the month, right..? And Jinx, she's-- [ She breathes. ] She's listened to me before when it comes to topics like these. Maybe she'll understand. And if it'll end after these two months..

[ Which is what they had promised, right? Two months, and then at least a break to think about it all, at the very least. ]

.. then I want to try and end it happily.

[ With understanding about this one thing.

With maybe some more fun activities after the talk until the month is over. ]

[ He wonders how much will actually change; if some words of reassurance would be enough to keep a romantic relationship like this. Over this. Robby knows--or thinks he knows--that Chizuru wouldn't distance herself from the over girl entirely, but--anything could happen. Could she separate herself from someone she felt needed her, even if they didn't align with her morals?

He might very well soon find out. ]

Sure. [ So he won't say anything more than an acknowledgement, an understanding. The rest was up to Chizuru now, and Jinx. Robby just had to be there and support whatever decision was made, the aftermath. For now, he rubs at her arm idly, quiet for a moment. ]

...Do you want me to stay longer, or do you need some time? I can hang about. [ A reassurance, because he knows what Chizuru will be concerned about even if she did want him to stick around.

But if she doesn't, that's alright too. ]

[ Honestly, she'd love for Robby to hang about. She would pretty much always want that, feeling stronger in the presence of her friend.

.. on the other hand, she also knows she should probably prepare herself for this. Think about what to say to Jinx specifically, and how to say it. Despite the fact that she's trying to be optimistic here, it doesn't feel easy to have a talk like this - especially when Chizuru doesn't want to hurt Jinx either.

So she slowly shakes her head. ]

Thank you. [ It's not like she's going to waste an opportunity to thank him for his kindness, at least. ] But.. I should probably prepare myself. Um.. you know, for the talk.

[ She gives Robby a tiny smile. There's something awkward - no, nervous - around its edges. ]

But I can talk to you afterwards..?

[ Oh, Chizuru, honey.

You have no clue what's awaiting you. ]

If you didn't, I'd send Luc out to find you. [ Because surely, something would be wrong.

But it's said with fondness, and Robby pulls back from his place on the sofa; giving Chizuru one last squeeze with the arm around her, and then standing up onto his feet. It's been an emotional ride, one that isn't over yet, and one he wishes he could do more for her than be a voice at the end of it.

Robby will be ready though, taking his omni back from her and walking out to the front door. He's got his coat and gloves to put on, and Chizuru usually does follow; and if she does this time, he'll turn around after exiting the door, one last tug of a smile to give her. ]

Good luck.

(closed) february catchall

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