I don't want to save the world

[lightthedarkness]

Who: Usagi Tsukino/Sailor Moon and you!
What: Usagi is dealing with mild corruption and is trying to get rid of it
When: Through mid-March
Where: Beach and Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Violence


A. Strike the Match [Beach]

When the thought 'I wish I could just destroy this whole place' entered her mind, she knew she was in trouble. She knew she was in at least SOME stage of corruption and needed to get it in check.

But the people, outside of Makoto, who she would talk to about the corruption were. all. gone.

And that was the problem. That was why she kept having the thought. Rei, Minako, Hotaru, Setsuna, Varian, Atsushi, Bella, the list went on and on and on and on and on. It was just her and Makoto now.

And then the fearful thought, 'But when would Makoto be next?' would come.

When would another loved one, another precious person be taken? What was even the point to keep going if they were all gone? This was not the first time she had had such thoughts. But this wasn't about Galaxia and an endless war and all life going on. This was just her and her life. This wasn't home. It got incredibly difficult to keep going, to keep hoping they may someday arrive, because there was no way to bring them out of the ocean. But also, she didn't WANT them to arrive. That was the hitch, the problem.

She missed all of her precious people like crazy.

But in her truest of heart's desires, she could never wish them to come to this hell, even if she knew the girls would follow her without hesitation.

"But you're not here," she told the crashing waves. She was Sailor Moon right now, waiting for Maul.

She was so. damn. tired. of this world taking from her, hurting her, and how she was supposed to be okay with it. She didn't even get to mourn Hotaru because this world made her so happy that all she could do was be glad Hotaru got out.

She wasn't okay.

Sailor Moon watched the waves crash around her, a storm out on the horizon making them harsher than usual. The wind whipped her hair around her, her wings going back and forth with the breeze. In her hand was her Tiare.

She sensed someone coming towards her. It wasn't Maul she sensed, but another.

"I would not come any closer," she said, eyes still out on the horizon, her voice harsh. "The waves may suck you under." And she wasn't much in the mood to save anyone. The only reason the waves weren't dragging her away was because of her strength where she stood. "If you have need of the beach there is endless amounts of it," she gestured to the miles of shore.

B. Wildfire [Closed to Maul (and observers)]

Finally, she thought.

"Don't hold back," her head tilted a bit to glance at the Sith behind her, though she did not fully face him, her back still turned to him.

There was a breath, a tic of a second, as if she might change her mind about the whole thing. After all, she was always so hesitant to fight anyone.

She exhaled.

The second passed.

She was already right in front of him, her tiny size and powers allowing her to be deadly fast, her Tiare was raised, fully intending to strike him in the head, whether or not he could block or dodge was his problem.

C. Smoke and ashes [Willful Machine]

The fight had done her a lot of good to get most of her anger out.

But so would shopping. She was currently looking at herself in the mirror, a bright pink and red outfit for springtime. She was turning this way and that with a soft hum and when she saw someone behind her in the mirror she spun around and grabbed their hand, her own nails were still quite sharp as her corruption was still edging away.

"I need your opinion!" she smiled brightly, feeling better and intending on buying a large spring wardrobe with some retail therapy. "How does this look?" she gave a little spin.

(OOC: Unless a character can read souls/auras/have sensitivity in the Force/magic to see through glamours, they will not be able to detect that Sailor Moon and Usagi are the same person.)

Comments

smoke and ashes.

[opheliac]

( she is only here to pick up more supplies, nothing more than that. despite fishbones and her omen's protesting, jinx has made her mind up of two outcomes of her life here in trench. plan a: work tirelessly over the hexgem until it can warp her out of this city and leave everyone behind. if plan a is a failure, she'll move on to plan b -- allow herself to get so corrupted that she becomes the monster she is destined to be. and to take on the beast life and live among the rest out in the wilderness.

to anyone else, these two plans would seem completely horrid, but to jinx, it just makes perfect sense to her. all that time she asked herself why does she jinx everything that she touches, why does she hurt every person she comes across, and why was she born to be like this (with vi's help)? the answer to all of those questions had been right in front of her face, but she had been so blinded by everyone's kindness which she now wonders if it was just a ploy. )

( she is a prodigy; the one who was meant to be princess of zaun with silco at the throne. they were to rise and fall all kingdoms and claim them as their own. without him, she had gone astray and went on an entirely different path which she thought was lovely. and it was... for a little while. things began to unravel for her when a few people of trench lack of an understanding of her (so she believes). silco warned her people would never understand her or them and at first, she thought the old man was just... being old.

but it seems his wise words had some truth in them. if some good-getter nobodies saw her of a horrendous person, it's whatever. their opinions didn't matter, but those she cared for -- their thoughts meant everything. their acknowledgement and their recognition are what she needs throughout her days. the praise and honesty are like oxygen to jinx; a yearning she will always chase after. it'll never be enough. so when chizuru came to her with that question that day, her glass heart shattered. jinx really thought she was doing well with her and with everyone in trench -- because after all, they were going to show them all just what a great person she was together.

jinx assisted to the injured, rescued those who were in trouble, gave advice who needed it, worked long hours on building weapons to those who asked for them, and spent time to those who needed a hug or a shoulder. yes, she gloated and relished over her killings back home, but she thought with that being the past and not current activities, it shouldn't matter. actions speak louder than words, right? she accepted chizuru for being a demon so why wouldn't she not accept her being a monster? ... and that's the core of her hurt by all of this. )

( jinx welcomed every aspect of chizuru, but she can't do the same. and despite how patient and delicate she was during their relationship with the girl, everything still blew up in flames. then and even now, jinx has been obsessively looking over the equation to see where she messed up. she used the right formula, the right method, added, divided, and subtracted -- so where did it fuck up?

well.

another compulsive thought for another time. because when she enters the shop and sees usagi a few steps ahead of her, jinx instantly wants to turn on her heel and bail. she is now down to two bunnies and she doesn't think... she can take care of either of them anymore. usagi and vi should really find someone else who is better (especially with her plan on leaving). but the teen gets grabbed by the hand which startles her just a slight bit and stares at the other like a fish. )

U-Uhm. Great. ( that didn't sound convincing at all so she tries again, cleaning her throat. )

— Ahem. I mean, lookin' good, Moonlight. Definitely suits ya.

[lightthedarkness]

[Having been in some stage of corruption earlier, Usagi sees the way Jinx is acting. She's cagey, she's less focused. She's less confident than usual. She watches Jinx for a long moment and then puts down the dress, setting it to the side as she fully intended to buy it and deal with something that actually mattered in front of her.

She pulled Jinx closer, eyes searching all over her face and her brows knitting together as she watched her.

Usagi was of the same agreement as Jinx. Actions did speak louder than words. Actions spoke volumes, words could move hearts, but actions showed hearts that the words were truth.

So, being someone who lived by both her actions and words, she grabbed both of Jinx's hands and then pulled her into a tight hug.]

cw: poor mental health + health in general stuff + voices

[opheliac]

( crap, did she say the wrong thing here? the way usagi is eyeing her like this, all signs may point to her possibly offending her or not sounding as enthusiastic. and who knows how her appearance look to everyone else now -- she's been avoiding mirrors. and jinx's been out in the dangerous woods with lurking beasts since over the weekend. her temporary home had been in the branches with her bed being a hammock -- high enough where the beasts can't fully reach her and she would watch them move around from below.

sleep hadn't come to her easy and she's been ignoring the eats until her omen insisted she should have something. her hair, while still braided, there might be a few twigs mix within the twisted locks. sharon and nara'a had offered her a space, but she declined them both -- refusing to be more of an issue in a already horrible world that's putting them in predicaments.

'she's a problem and we all know it.'
'you're about as good for our cause as you were for your family. jinx.'

good old sevika. never afraid to spit out venom right in her face. again, the tug and into a hug leaves her unexpected; arms hovering around the other's form on whether if returning the embrace is appropriate or not. it's like she took a big step backwards -- forgetting what it's like or what to do with human interaction all over again. )

... Sorry. Guess I'm a lil' worn out. ( what an understatement. )

You wanna try out another dress? — I bet you look great all kinds of colors.

[lightthedarkness]

The dress can wait. [She reached up and pulled a twig from Jinx's hair, combing her fingers through her long bangs before moving to hug Jinx again. She was clearly in her own fresh hell.]

But you're right, I do look great in every color. [She offered humor, seeing if that might do the trick.]

Why haven't you been sleeping?

[opheliac]

( ah, the hug again. and still, jinx doesn't return it. she's not trying to be rude, honest. it's just... — she is deathly afraid to do any sort of moment to another person. what if she makes usagi cry, too? it's safer for jinx to just be completely still and just answer questions as straight as possible.

so to this particular one, she smiles weakly: )

Work.

( not... a lie, really. she is here to gather supplies so she can build a secondary home in the woods. and that takes a lot when the spot she picked is... pretty far away from the city. the walk is at least an hour and a half worth. )

[lightthedarkness]

[She feels Jinx just stand there and lets her go. Something is wrong, something is definitely wrong. What happened? Should she contact Vi?]

You're working too hard. [She offered gently.] After I'm done shopping, do you want to come over? You can rest and we can have some food and hot chocolate, yeah?

cw: voices

[opheliac]

I...

( she stops her words from flowing further. it would be nice to have some food and be somewhere cozy for a little while. but... would that really be okay? jinx opens her mouth to speak again, but there's a slight sting at the side of her temple. the girl winces at the sharp sensation; taking a few steps away from usagi. )

No!

( the shout isn't gear towards usagi, despite it might seeing so. and she glares off to the left of her (there's nothing there) -- at the dead of her "brother" to hiss at his words. )

Nonono, I-I'm not — not gonna screw this up, too. Just shaddup, okay? You're not letting me think.

( he seems to be responding back as jinx grips onto her locks tightly with her slender fingers. with a growl of frustration and agony, she throws her arms down with another snarl at "mylo". )

No one is leaving me, alright? Everyone... they promised they wouldn't. No one is... is lyin' to me.

( even with her saying this out loud, there's very lack of confidence behind those words. in fact, she darts her gaze carefully to usagi -- hoping to give her some kind of confirmation. )

Right? You're still... here with me. A-And not scared of me?

[lightthedarkness]

[Usagi glanced beside her and saw no one, but this was clearly something far outside of something she could see. She came forward and took one of Jinx's hands into her own while her other hand reached up and held Jinx's cheek. Her smile is soft and sincere.]

I'm not scared. [She assures her.] I'm still here. I will always be here beside you.

Here, right here, do you feel me holding your hand, Jinx? I'm not going anywhere.

You will never scare me.

[opheliac]

( her lower lip is quivering as she tries to keep herself from swelling with tears. she's been crying so damn much and it's a wonder how she hadn't tuckered herself out yet. jinx tightens their hold of their hands and leans her cheek more into her other. )

P-People say that and then they...

( — get scared or take back on their word. there's a lot of context clues she's dropping. she may or may not out right say what has happened to her over the past few days, but maybe this is enough to piece things together. )

[lightthedarkness]

I am not other people. I am me.

I am your Moonlight.

I'm not scared, not now, not ever. I will always hold out my hand to you, Jinx.

You can put that to the test as much as you need, I will do everything to try and not fail you. [She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Jinx's brow.] I will make mistakes, I will make you angry, but I will never be scared of you.

I will always love you as my dear friend.

[opheliac]

( this is so ridiculous. somewhere within her is screaming how ridiculous jinx is being for having her heart this expose. but she is just so overwhelmed with so much and... she is growing tired of behaving so tough. so jinx lets herself crumble, falling into usagi's arms into an extremely desperate need to be held. the girl doesn't cry, but she buries her face into her shoulder nevertheless. )

I... I dunno how much longer I can take this place. I just wanna stop hurting.

[lightthedarkness]

[And Usagi's arms catch her and hold her with endless strength. She gently rubs Jinx's back and hair, letting Jinx hold on as tightly as she needed.]

You don't have to hold in the pain. I know how much this world loves to tear us apart but it is not weakness to cry and to feel tired. You do not have to be strong everyday.

Some days I want to burn this world down to its core, but that is not my call to make, and I remember how many of you are still here that I love.

So if you are hurting, cry. If you are angry, scream. If you are exhausted, rest.

You don't have to cry or scream alone, though.

[opheliac]

( she listens attentively to the other's words. well as much as she can with faint giggling buzzing at the right of her ear. but jinx is so... done with fighting and arguing with them day after day. especially recently. and in a hush tone, she asks: )

Can I... rest? I've been... stayin' in the woods. ( a brief pause. ) — I upset Chizuru. I hurt her over the things that I've said. So I thought... staying away from everyone will keep me from doing it again.

[lightthedarkness]

That is a decision you have to make for yourself. Only you can let yourself rest. But I can certainly give you a place to stay while you do. You can stay with me and Makoto in my home as long as you need.

And I'm sorry to hear that happened, but staying away from everyone... it doesn't really work, because you're hurting yourself, and you matter too, Jinx.

[opheliac]

I dunno if I really should matter. Not... lately.

( she is growing a little tired of standing so she seeks for the nearest... well, anything to sit on. and thankfully, there is a small bench for her to sit for those who wish to try on shoes. the twin braided girl plops herself there and exhales out a worn out sigh. )

I'm so confused, Moonlight. I've tried being myself 'cuz some say I oughta be myself but... that's not goin' so hot. I've tried helping people out and stop doin' certain stuff because it would make other people feel good and happy. But I somehow... screwed that up, too.

Just what am I suppose to do if nothin' I'm doing is working? — I kinda wanna call it quits and throw bombs everywhere 'cuz that's something I can do right. I'm really good at breaking things and shooting bullets.

Maybe I oughta stick to that and nothin' else.

[lightthedarkness]

You do, it's not really a matter of should.

[She moves to sit beside Jinx, taking her hand in hers and listening as she explains what's going on. She hums softly and leans back.]

It's not wrong to want to make other people happy, but helping people only for the sake of pleasing others isn't... good for you.

What is something in the middle, something between helping others and being yourself that DOES make you happy, Jinx? Something that makes you feel fulfilled?

[opheliac]

In the middle, huh?

( she takes a moment to think over this; slouching along with her as her foot sways back and forth. )

— I was doin' some thinking to only let my workshop open to those I like or people I trust. That's still kinda helping people, right? ... And how about privating my conversations more?

If I get into a topic with someone else that gets — ( she lifts up a hand and does air quotes with her two digits. ) "uncomfy" or I say somethin' they don't like, I'll shut it away.

It's dumb that I gotta hide my words while everyone gets to say whatever the hell they want. But! — It's tough being a genius and be the reasonable one, I guess.

[lightthedarkness]

That sounds fair, you don't have to force yourself to interact with people if you don't want to. You can absolutely just build things for the people you like and trust. And maybe with time that will become more and more.

And making your conversations more private may help, sure.

You don't need to shut it away, though. You can just offer that you end the conversation with that person and if you want to keep discussing it, you can come to someone who wouldn't be as upset talking about it.

No one gets to say whatever the hell they want, plenty of people rightfully tell other people off for it. But you can say whatever you want in a journal or diary, that can be yours and yours alone.

[opheliac]

Yeah, but I don't wanna do the diary thing anymore. I did that for years and... it started to feel like I'm screamin' underwater for help and no one is listening or searching for me.

( with usagi beside her, this gives jinx an opportunity to simply drops her head against the other's shoulder. she feels a little silly that the role is being reversed a bit. jinx is suppose to be the caretaker of her rabbits and yet here she is
desperately wanting affection and comfort. )

... I haven't asked how you've been.

[lightthedarkness]

Alright, no diary, no screaming underwater. You can find someone to talk to then, who will listen. Myself or Vi or the others who love you. I will search for you, I know Vi will too. [She strokes Jinx's hair and the back of her head.]

I haven't been great, but I'll be better.

[opheliac]

( vi searching for her is a big understatement. the older sister has done nothing but search for jinx. and in a way, it makes her feel rather guilty that she ran off like she did. again. it doesn't sooth her nerves at all when every day, every moment, every second so far, she can feel vi through via bond of her worrying with her sister's heart pounding in her ears. but there's love mixed in it too with all that fretting, and although they've been apart -- jinx sends the warmth right back.

if she could run to her sister right now, she would. but jinx doesn't feel it's safe. not yet. not when there may be citizens of trench seeking for her. some might be but not for the reason she's assuming. her voices convinced the girl that the people are looking for her so they can make her pay for harming chizuru's heart. after all, there was one friend of hers that specifically warned her to not screw up. to not hurt her. and jinx being a jinx did just that. so despite missing vi and taking up usagi's offer to stay for the night, she has to go away again. she has to for her own safety. )

( but hearing how usagi hadn't been well brings her out of her swirling thoughts. jinx lifts up her head then searches over the other's face. )

What's been goin' on?

( she might have failed taking care of chizuru but maybe. just maybe... she can help usagi in some way. )

[lightthedarkness]

Thank you for being worried about me, but I don't want to take away from you right now. [She offered softly, still stroking Jinx's hair and holding her.]

You can be open with me, there isn't anything you can say that would scare me. I've been in Deerington and Trench for a long time. No more screaming underwater, yeah?

I'll tell you what's going on with me, but please don't take away from you.

[opheliac]

( she melts more into usagi's hold; allowing her tired body to slump against her. jinx just hopes that she isn't putting too much weight on the other girl -- not that she can't help right now. her strength suddenly got away from her. )

I feel... nothing I do is good enough for anyone.

( the girl shifts slightly in the embrace to peer down at her hands, specifically at her two index fingers. on them, there are two tattooed quotes. the right index says, "don't cry" and the left, "you're perfect". )

And I kinda wanna give up because what's the point? — Things felt easier when... my heart wasn't warm and everything was dark and cold.

[lightthedarkness]

[Usagi can take the weight, she's much stronger than she looks, though she would understand why Jinx wouldn't know that. She kept stroking Jinx's back and hair.]

Even if things were easier in the dark and cold, were you happier in the dark and cold as well? Or does the warmth make you happier? I don't mean right now, I mean comparing the happiness you felt in the darkness and the happiness you've felt in the warmth.

[opheliac]

U-Um... sometimes?

( the light tremble in her voice sounds as if she just took something out of a cookie jar. because her answer is probably a reply usagi wasn't expecting. but it's the honest truth. sometimes, jinx enjoys being dark and cold throughout her days. she can focus on her needs and her needs alone. you can try your damnest to please others and to make them happy, but it wouldn't be enough or the expectation is so great. it gets exhausting; let alone feel unappreciative. )

— But only sometimes. Being around my sis, you, or... whoever feels great, too. Don't gotta worry about facin' stuff alone. Or having someone to talk to during dinner... those are nice.