deercountry | Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

Oh! She's got bright red hair and a golden tuxedo and top hat! But we could make her into a boy.. or.. I. Did not know you can turn into a girl. Have you always been able to do that?

[He awkwardly mimes boobs]

Isn't that weird?

[The boob miming is a bit much eve for him, and one hand comes up to his head while the other reaches out to gently push Bolin's hands down.]

Man, here I thought you had a guy's part in mind for me. Not sure how I feel about being the only person you can see playing the curvy redhead. [His tone is kinda flat. Then he gets into explaining mode.]

And it's more like the magic in Deerington sometimes took the form of pills that were passed around at a party that can turn you into the opposite sex. I sort of saved a whole lot of them totally unintentionally. And it's actually kinda fun getting in touch with your feminine side and… hiding in someone else's skin. You should try it sometime.

[Bolin deflates a little bit, realizing his intentions aren't coming across how he means.]

I mean.. maybe. Sure. I've never really thought about it.

Listen, rewind. None of this is coming out right.

I think the beauty of this musical is that gender roles don't mean anything and with the exception of Rocky himself all the parts could be any gender. I see you for Columbia because of her fire and how she lights up every scene she's in. The dazzle, the love story, the showmanship. That's what made me think Lance. I'm sorry it came out that way.

[Lance's eyebrows go up as he'd definitely not been expecting that. And it visibly touches him. So much so that his cheeks glow a bit (his powers make his blushes glow it's a thing now).]

Oh. Well, I guess I never really thought of it that way. [He lets out a breath. He swallows a thick lump in his throat.] You… really think of me like that?

[This is digging up some emotions he didn't expect. It's strange, but in the wake of what he's recently been through, perhaps he's a little more raw underneath than previously thought. He's gotten much too good at burying everything and now it bubbles up out of the earth wit the oddest triggers.]

[Trauma is wild like that. Bolin softens even more and sits back down. His body language is open and relaxed, but his attention is solely focused on Lance.]

Of course I do. Lance, you're amazing. You're strong, and fast and funny. Man, the way we took down that monster in Deerington? And when we were on that awful river together? Every time you're in a room it's like you fill it and all the bad things don't matter as much. It's a bad pun but you have to give it to me. That's real star power.

[Oh. Wow. That's a whole lot of things Bolin just said about him that his entire life he's tried really hard to believe he was and can be. And in recent years after what he's been through it's been near impossible to see himself in such a light. The shame and self loathing has eaten away at him for so long, this comes as… a lot.

He's silent for a moment, trying to keep it together but then pain and grief flash over his face and he has to place his elbows on the table and press his palms into his cheeks and eyes. He's shaking a little, but otherwise not making any significant sounds.]

Th-thanks. [He manages to say in a bit of a strangled voice. Then he swallows again and manages to add:] …the pun was… a nice touch.

It just came to me.

[The response slipping out as he watches Lance try to.. something.

Man, maybe coming here was a bad idea. It was never his intention to upset his friend, they're only just starting to be buddies. What if Lance doesn't want to be his friend now? No- that's stupid. He's upset because of what happened. He was really, really hurt and then he killed the guy who hurt him and now it's a huge mess. It's stupid to think you just bounce back from something like that, and so fast.

And maybe he should keep a respectful distance, but that just isn't in Bolin's nature. He's a comforter. So sure, he doesn't say anything else but he leans forward a little and lays his hand on Lance's knee with a gentle squeeze. He's here.]

Edited 2021-11-11 00:10 (UTC)

[When was the last time he let himself feel like this? He can't really remember, and this definitely doesn't feel like something he's allowing. It's just happening. And that's anxiety inducing because with emotions like this comes the glowing under his skin and he has to keep that under control. The touch from Bolin startles him slightly, but he doesn't pull away or want to throw him off.

God, what a time to start crumbling. Bolin is a friend, but they haven't been friends for that long, or gotten super close. He imagines this must be so uncomfortable for him, but he's still here isn't he? Well, Lance is definitely uncomfortable, but that feels like a tiny point of concern right now next to everything he's riding through.

He stays in that position for a bit, how long is hard to say. He's just desperately trying to get it together enough to at least speak like a normal person. Eventually, after intermittent tremors and some hidden away tears, he takes some deep steadying breaths and wipes his face as he pulls his hands away and places them on the table. The shifting ethereal glow of his ability under the surface of his skin is still present, but it's not dangerous.]

Thanks, man. I… dunno where that came from. [And that's not really true, he's just not sure how to talk about it, if he even can, or if Bolin even wants to hear it.]

That's okay... [A beat. Does he dare? Yes. Yes he does.] Maybe that's part of the problem.

[He knows he has to tread carefully, here, but if he didn't want this then he would have shut it down and would be out the door. He isn't doing any of that. He doesn't move at all, watching Lance with his big, green eyes.]

I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I know what it's like to feel alone and hurt and maybe a little confused about how I'm feeling inside. And for me, letting it out, even if it doesn't make sense or I'm scared I sound crazy always makes me feel better in the end. I can listen. Doesn't have to be now, but the offer won't expire.

[ obi-wan had heard the rumblings, though his hands were full with anakin's sudden descent into the dark. still, he's never been one to ignore a situation, even one he has come too late to offer help.

so he is here, helping now, glancing at lance. ]

You've been productive.

[Fern isn't totally surprised to see Lance out with the wagon. After the network post and seeing that he's still in one piece (how he managed that after a fight with Maul is a total mystery to him), he's able to put two and two together. He had seen the damage done to some of the buildings, so the supplies make perfect sense.

He decides to wander on over, partly to see how Lance is doing, partly to offer some help. He's pretty decent at building things, especially with his plant powers. They come in pretty handy for practical uses like this, so he goes ahead and clambers on up to the roof of the building Lance is currently on, giving a small wave.]

Hey dude, you're alive.

[What a way to start a conversation.]

[He honestly can't really remember the last time he opened up to someone about anything. Like really opened up. Chloe was probably the last, it's hard for him to say as a lot of things from Deerington are a blur. His and Bolin's friendship is still new, and he's developed walls, a guard against getting too close only to lose people.

But at the same time, he knows he can't bottle everything right now. He's had enough experience with the way his mind can be influenced towards dark things to know that way leads to more darkness. And Bolin's offer is so genuine and sincere. Though he won't say everything, it can't hurt to talk a little about at least this one thing that's hurting him this moment.

He bites his lip, debating internally and trying to figure out what to say for a good minute.] …I used to really love the spotlight. Y'know? I've got… older brothers and sisters who did all these amazing things before I even got a chance to figure out who I wanted to be. So all I knew for a long time was that I wanted to stand out and… be everything you said you think I am.

[His voice gets a little unsteady on that last part. He heaves a breath and continues:] I've never been that great at actually being it or… really believing I could be it. I was gonna fake it till I made it. But… after everything… I've been going through the motions so nobody will look at me and- and see all that dark stuff inside me. All the things I'm… ashamed of.

[He lets out a slow breath.] And now… everyone knows one of the worst things that's ever happened to me and… that's all they'll see. Maybe that's… really all I am now.

[Bolin listens quietly and with his full attention, nodding a little here and there and only finally taking his hand back from Lance's knee to rest on the table when he finishes speaking. Then it's his turn to carefully measure his words.

Bolin isn't trained in how to deal with any of this stuff, he can only work from experience. How he's treated other people in the past and his role models. Mako can be a many things, but he raised Bolin right and those lessons have stuck through all his own terrible experiences.]

No, that's not true.

It might feel like that? But from where I'm sitting, I don't think that's the case. I think the people who know you will see their friend. Sure, their friend is going through a really dark time, and they'll see their friend who needs to heal, but when things are dark there's nowhere to go but back to the light. And they'll support you because that's what friends do. Leaning on other people is how things heal and get light again. No one can do it alone.

And all those other people? They don't know you and they don't matter.

[It's what Lance desperately wants to believe and it does soothe him a bit in this moment to hear it. But he supposes things don't really work the way they do in the Saturday morning cartoons he used to watch with his niece and nephew. A kind and true from the heart speech from a friend doesn't just make the sun come out and all of a sudden you look at yourself and the world in another light. He can try to remember and hold on to it, though.

He offers Bolin a weak smile. A genuine try, though it's clear it struggles to reach his whole face.] Thanks, Bolin.

I… really wish I could take that to heart and believe it just like that, but… I guess it's not that easy. I know you're right up here- [He taps his temple] - it's how my family raised me, but…

[He shakes his head, not able to find the right words to describe just how much has altered how he sees the world and himself. He's not who he used to be and maybe he can never be completely the same again, but…] What I know is… I wanna try to be who I was before and who I was trying to become. I dunno if I can, but I guess I can try…

[The idea of trying visibly scares him. There's always more horror and pain around the corner to keep dragging him down. But what else is he gonna do?]

That's the spirit.

[It's sink or swim, Lance. And Bolin thinks you're a swimmer.

He nods again. Everything Lance is saying is completely valid.

Hm. He has to think about this. The cogs are whirring. The empathy is flowing. The heart is bleeding.]

You know, I kind of think this is just what happens when you grow up. A lot of things have happened to me and I know I'm not the same person I was three or four or even a year ago. And I kind of miss the times when my biggest problem was if we were going to eat that day. But at the same time? Given the chance to go back I don't think I would.

All those painful things... they forced me to make a choice. To figure out what I believe in, even if that thing didn't always turn out how I wanted it to. They forced me to be stronger, even when it hurt or was really scary. And I got through it because I wasn't alone.

I get what you're saying and I support you.. and I know these things take time. No one will expect you to just be okay all of a sudden. What I'm saying is: I think you're a fighter and you have so much to offer that you would be doing yourself a huge disservice not to try. Just be you.

Edited 2021-11-11 23:48 (UTC)

[He has some spirit, but it feels like a weak spark surrounded by a lot of heavy darkness and fear right now. But he wasn't raised to be the kind of person who lets that overpower him so easily, it's why he's mostly held on to his moral compass and compassion all these years in war and Deerington.

And he can understand what Bolin is saying about growing up, though it's really hard for him to be so comfortable with how much all the trauma he's endured has changed him. It's hard to accept that as the same thing as growing up, but he doesn't say so. His new friend has been here for him and he's trying, and it's not like there isn't a good point towards the end there that can be applied to his situation.

He smiles faintly again.] I dunno how much stronger I feel. But thanks, Bolin. That… really means a lot. I guess I can try, some people would say that's the best anyone can do… right?

[It's visibly and audibly hard for him to really feel that right now, his tone is still heavy with doubt, shame and grief. But there's enough willingness to move forward and try there that he's able to get himself to say any of this. And he means it.]

[Look, he's trying. An attempt has been made. He doesn't know Lance or his past or even current situation enough to be able to say something totally on the money.

Bolin smiles softly. It's a little lopsided and completely earnest. He can almost feel the lead of Lance's grief on his own shoulders and it compels him to square and brace for the weight. Help carry the load. He can do that, not because Lance asks him to but because he wants to and knows that asking for help is half the battle. The other half is accepting it, so all in all he thinks things are off to a good start.]

Yeah. I think you're right, buddy. We can do it together.

Edited (words) 2021-11-12 03:29 (UTC)

Huh? [Lance looks over his shoulder from where he's lifting up a large header to go over a doorway to the owner of the home. The man nods his thanks with a smile and Lance turns to address Obi-Wan more fully.]

Oh. Yeah… I mean this was, y'know, my fault too. So it's only right. [He lets out a heavy huff but pushes a grateful smile onto his face. When he met Obi-Wan it was in his memory of Maul killing his master and then him slicing Maul in half, so he's not surprised to see him here, but he's not going to push.] How've you been?

[Lance is straddling one of the rafters and hammering a nail into the beam in front of him. He's done work like this before, but this is the first time he hasn't had a nail gun and this is pretty freaking tedious. So… Fern popping up is kind of a nice distraction, until he sees it's Fern.

Nothing against him, it's just the fact that he hasn't been able to tell the guy he fried him. And he knows he has to… god.]

Oh, hey man. Yeah, I'm not as easy to kill as I used to be… uh, what's up?

[Smooth.]

[ obi-wan gives a tired smile. ]

Busy. I would have come sooner, but I was a bit tied up at the time.

[ what with anakin going to the dark side and obi-wan struggling to find a way to help him. none of that has been fully resolved but the worst is behind him. he hopes. ]

[Ruby was out collecting mushrooms when she caught sight of Lance and the massive dire wolf. A look of panic comes over her face but she's glad to see that he has some protection out here. She approaches with both hands raised to the wolf.]

Hey- Hey.

I'm here to help. I mean if that's okay with you.

[She looks over to Lance and smiles.]

Right? I'm a friend.

[Fern, clueless as ever, makes his way over to the spot on the roof Lance is at, taking a look at the progress on the repairs that's been made so far.]

Not much, just getting totally lost. [It's a fun, fun month when the Tower isn't your Patron.] Did you and Maul do this?

[It's around close to sunset when Lance gets "home" to the old Voltron barn he's been living in that was plopped into the far northeast corner of Cellar door district, right on the border of the districts around it. Bolin woke him up early that morning at the Voltron house where Shiro took him after the fight with Maul to talk about a musical. Or at least he's pretty sure it was Shiro, his memory of it is really hazy and both Shiro and Hunk are big and strong enough to have had that back he was rested against.

Regardless, he slept for a little over two days in Keith's old room and ended up spending a lot of time with Bolin after he had a bit of a hard time dealing with everything that happened. His new friend was there for him and reminded him of some helpful life lessons he once knew, though a large part of him is still skeptical and jaded after all he's been through. Despite that, though, there's a small part that tentatively wants to find a way forward. So very tentative and terrified.

He's pretty drained by the time he gets back to the barn in one of Keith's black t-shirts and a pair of jeans. Got to check on Kaltenecker and the horses, though he's sure that Hunk took good care of them while he was… away. On the way back, he found some interesting looking mushrooms and picked them to examine in the loft later. With nowhere to store them, they're held in one hand as he comes to the stable's door to find it's already partially opened.]

…Hunk? You in here?

Y-yeah.

[Lance awkwardly agrees, struggling with the idea of it deep down but not about to put voice to it. He realizes faintly that he really needs to try to talk to his Voltron family. What's left of it anyway. It's harder, because opening up about these things to the people who love you the most really can be for so many reasons. They're clearly not home, but he'll see them later. Maybe. He's not sure if he's ready to face them right now.

A short pause and he finally grabs some food that Bolin brought for him to put something in his stomach. He is hungry but at the same time his stomach has been roiling so he hasn't been sure. But he fought Maul for three days and slept for a little over two more. If he doesn't eat, he may literally starve. Then he decides to shift back to the whole reason Bolin is here and at least have a look…]

You… have that script on you?

[Lance is an empath, he can't control it and it's not strong but he can pick up on emotions that come to the surface of people nearby. His senses tell him that tired smile is more than just physical and his brows draw together.]

Yeah? Sounds like it was serious.

[That's a gentle invitation to talk if you need to, Obi-Wan. Lance may be going through a lot of his own stuff right now, but he works through his problems better when he's able to be there for others. And they have some common issues.]

Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

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iii. repairing

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Hunk (Nov 5)

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