Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

[azurestar]

Who: Lance (azurestar) and CR
What: Catch-all for November, after this
When: All of November
Where: Prufrock, Cellar Door, Crenshaw

Content Warnings: discussion of death, murder, trauma/ptsd, psychosis, past torture

( ooc: this is a catchall for Lance this November after his conflict with Reaper and then Maul, though I am trying to keep my new threads this month limited in number, if you have CR with Lance already you are welcome to come plot something with me here or on plurk at spypigeon and we can start something here in this log or I may ask to wait till next month while I get his inbox more caught up and under control if I've already got too much going on, either way I'm happy to plot always! )

Comments

( iii )

[jedies]

[ obi-wan had heard the rumblings, though his hands were full with anakin's sudden descent into the dark. still, he's never been one to ignore a situation, even one he has come too late to offer help.

so he is here, helping now, glancing at lance. ]

You've been productive.

[azurestar]

Huh? [Lance looks over his shoulder from where he's lifting up a large header to go over a doorway to the owner of the home. The man nods his thanks with a smile and Lance turns to address Obi-Wan more fully.]

Oh. Yeah… I mean this was, y'know, my fault too. So it's only right. [He lets out a heavy huff but pushes a grateful smile onto his face. When he met Obi-Wan it was in his memory of Maul killing his master and then him slicing Maul in half, so he's not surprised to see him here, but he's not going to push.] How've you been?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan gives a tired smile. ]

Busy. I would have come sooner, but I was a bit tied up at the time.

[ what with anakin going to the dark side and obi-wan struggling to find a way to help him. none of that has been fully resolved but the worst is behind him. he hopes. ]

[azurestar]

[Lance is an empath, he can't control it and it's not strong but he can pick up on emotions that come to the surface of people nearby. His senses tell him that tired smile is more than just physical and his brows draw together.]

Yeah? Sounds like it was serious.

[That's a gentle invitation to talk if you need to, Obi-Wan. Lance may be going through a lot of his own stuff right now, but he works through his problems better when he's able to be there for others. And they have some common issues.]

[jedies]

Mmm, it was. It always is when there is a schism, a sense of conflict born from misunderstandings and fears.

[ he glances at lance with a faint smile. ]

As we say often among the Jedi. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads . . . to despair.

[azurestar]

[His brows draw together, his empathy ability not really picking up on anything extremely potent from Obi-Wan, but he supposes that's the Jedi training at work. He only picks up on emotions that rise to the surface. But the explanation and what he can sense gives him what he thinks is a decent picture.]

…Someone you care about went down that path?

[jedies]

It is known to happen.

[ a deflection as he combs some of his hair back. dooku. and now anakin. ]

It is always the why that remains particularly haunting.

[azurestar]

[Lance nods with a solemn edge, it's something he can understand in his own way.]

I'm sorry, man. It… can make you wonder if there was something you could've done differently.

[jedies]

Yes. A dangerous path to travel, if you let yourself be bogged down by doubts.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to accept it happened. Nothing more, nothing less.

[azurestar]

[His brows draw together as he tries to think about that in relation to his own experiences.]

You make it sound simple, but… I dunno that I could do that.

[jedies]

Oh, it's certainly not simple.

But it's what we do as people. We cannot remain in the same place all our lives, mired in our doubts.

To live is to move.

[azurestar]

[He's quiet for a moment longer than is probably socially comfortable and then he clears his throat of emotion.]

So… how's that going for you?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling. ]

Slowly. But it goes on.

[azurestar]

[Lance nods, with a solemn edge. Then he looks up and around at all the damage here.]

I didn't want any of this to happen… but I'm still having trouble feeling bad for killing the man Maul wanted to avenge. [He shakes his head.] Is that moving forward? Even with all… this?

[jedies]

Not feeling bad doesn't make you a bad person.

[ a small pause as he turns his gaze away briefly. ]

Maul has killed an accountable number of people simply to punish me. Even now, I'm not sure I could fully forgive that. I may not ever be able to.

But forgiveness shouldn't be about the other person. It's about you and how you decide to see yourself.

[azurestar]

[Jedi sure are composed. He can empathically feel the surface emotions of others but when Obi-Wan mentions Maul killing people just to punish him, whatever the man feels about it isn't surfacing strongly enough for Lance to put a name to it. But it doesn't take an empath to reason that that's a painful subject for him. Lance looks down to give him some privacy and to think.]

…I dunno that I can forgive Reaper. I haven't even figured out if I can… forgive myself yet.

[He closes his eyes and turns his head away as he admits that last part and then busies himself with picking up a board meant for framing one of the outer walls of the building they're standing near. He hols it in his hands for a moment before he starts placing it in the frame.]

…How- how do you go about living life and seeing Maul every day after everything he did to hurt you?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan hums. it's an easy and hard answer, but one he's gained certainty in each day. ]

Because I am more than the hurts he's given more. I'm more than my pain and my loss. And so are you.

[azurestar]

[Well that felt like an emotional punch to the chest, and not in a bad way. In that way that combats one of the very fears that has haunted and tormented him for a long time. That he's defined by everything that happened to him.]

I- [His voice warbles and he swallows.] How do you… know that? That… you're more than it.

[jedies]

I know it with every step I take forward.

[ because it means he can change. that anything can change. it doesn't mean he stops being accountable for the past, but it doesn't need to be end for him. or anyone. ]

Whenever you move forward, you start to believe in more.

[azurestar]

[Lance nods a little shakily, but his expression says he's really having trouble applying it to himself. He closes his eyes and then sits heavily on a nearby pile of logs, leaning his elbows on his knees. Might as well, since he's too caught up in massive emotional confusion to work right now.]

I tried to do that for a long time after… [It was publicly broadcast what Reaper did, he doesn't feel like vocalizing it again.] Maybe… I just wasn't strong enough. I'd… see him all the time. And every time I did, it was like reliving it again, like I was never going to escape. But then I killed him, and…

[And it was the first time in a while he wasn't afraid when he looked at that mask, like he took back control from an abuser who was allowed to walk free, it was so intensely world shifting, he snapped. But he doesn't say that, doesn't have the words right now, if he ever will.

He's so scared about what it says about him that it took killing the person he feared so deeply and refused to get revenge on for so long to feel like he might be able to finally move forward from that experience. Divided is almost not strong enough of a word to describe how he feels. He shrugs a little helplessly, heavily. Even saying this much is visibly difficult for him, so he swallows and just skips to the end where he asks in a small, confused voice:]

Did I do the wrong thing?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan glances at lance. ]

Is that what matters to you? If it is right or wrong?

[ because while it's worthwhile to put a moral judgement on such a thing, obi-wan is not sure if it's important when it's in the past. especially if it might be used in self-flagellation. ]

[azurestar]

[Lance's brows draw together as he looks back up at Obi-Wan, not understanding.]

Shouldn't it? I mean… when I was growing up there was always a pretty strict list of things you just never do, no matter what. Though, ever since I was pulled into an intergalactic space war, a lot of those rules have been majorly challenged, but revenge was always bad. You're supposed to call the authorities, let the courts handle it and then the criminal goes to jail to be rehabilitated and serve a sentence. That's what's supposed to happen, anyway.

[He stands with a nervous energy and paces a bit.]

And… and who am I if finally getting him back, the thing that was always bad no matter what… felt right to me? Karkat said in his culture it would be totally justified, but I'm not a Troll, I'm not- I don't know what I am anymore.

[jedies]

The reason revenge is often denounced is because it merely continues the cycle of violence. There is always someone else who will swear revenge and thus, it never ends.

But it sounds to me as though you attached all your fears to Reaper and exorcised them in that death. How you account for that is up to you, but it's less to do with right or wrong and more to do with who you want to be moving forward.

What you are, what you want to be is still up to you.

[azurestar]

[Lance nods as Obi-Wan talks about revenge. And then looks at him with eyebrows drawn together as he starts to really comprehend what Obi-Wan is telling him, even if it doesn't immediately fix everything, it's appreciated and he'll remember it]

…That's why I wouldn't kill Maul. Or let him kill me. I dunno if I broke the cycle, though. He'll probably try to kill me again next time he sees me. [He shrugs because what you gonna do, right?]

But… I think I get what you're saying now. I dunno if I got rid of all my fear, but it felt like maybe I could start to… I… [his voice wavers a bit] I wanna believe you're right.

[jedies]

Then perhaps you should let me believe in you.

Until you are ready to do so yourself.