deercountry | Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

It just came to me.

[The response slipping out as he watches Lance try to.. something.

Man, maybe coming here was a bad idea. It was never his intention to upset his friend, they're only just starting to be buddies. What if Lance doesn't want to be his friend now? No- that's stupid. He's upset because of what happened. He was really, really hurt and then he killed the guy who hurt him and now it's a huge mess. It's stupid to think you just bounce back from something like that, and so fast.

And maybe he should keep a respectful distance, but that just isn't in Bolin's nature. He's a comforter. So sure, he doesn't say anything else but he leans forward a little and lays his hand on Lance's knee with a gentle squeeze. He's here.]

Edited 2021-11-11 00:10 (UTC)

[When was the last time he let himself feel like this? He can't really remember, and this definitely doesn't feel like something he's allowing. It's just happening. And that's anxiety inducing because with emotions like this comes the glowing under his skin and he has to keep that under control. The touch from Bolin startles him slightly, but he doesn't pull away or want to throw him off.

God, what a time to start crumbling. Bolin is a friend, but they haven't been friends for that long, or gotten super close. He imagines this must be so uncomfortable for him, but he's still here isn't he? Well, Lance is definitely uncomfortable, but that feels like a tiny point of concern right now next to everything he's riding through.

He stays in that position for a bit, how long is hard to say. He's just desperately trying to get it together enough to at least speak like a normal person. Eventually, after intermittent tremors and some hidden away tears, he takes some deep steadying breaths and wipes his face as he pulls his hands away and places them on the table. The shifting ethereal glow of his ability under the surface of his skin is still present, but it's not dangerous.]

Thanks, man. I… dunno where that came from. [And that's not really true, he's just not sure how to talk about it, if he even can, or if Bolin even wants to hear it.]

That's okay... [A beat. Does he dare? Yes. Yes he does.] Maybe that's part of the problem.

[He knows he has to tread carefully, here, but if he didn't want this then he would have shut it down and would be out the door. He isn't doing any of that. He doesn't move at all, watching Lance with his big, green eyes.]

I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I know what it's like to feel alone and hurt and maybe a little confused about how I'm feeling inside. And for me, letting it out, even if it doesn't make sense or I'm scared I sound crazy always makes me feel better in the end. I can listen. Doesn't have to be now, but the offer won't expire.

[He honestly can't really remember the last time he opened up to someone about anything. Like really opened up. Chloe was probably the last, it's hard for him to say as a lot of things from Deerington are a blur. His and Bolin's friendship is still new, and he's developed walls, a guard against getting too close only to lose people.

But at the same time, he knows he can't bottle everything right now. He's had enough experience with the way his mind can be influenced towards dark things to know that way leads to more darkness. And Bolin's offer is so genuine and sincere. Though he won't say everything, it can't hurt to talk a little about at least this one thing that's hurting him this moment.

He bites his lip, debating internally and trying to figure out what to say for a good minute.] …I used to really love the spotlight. Y'know? I've got… older brothers and sisters who did all these amazing things before I even got a chance to figure out who I wanted to be. So all I knew for a long time was that I wanted to stand out and… be everything you said you think I am.

[His voice gets a little unsteady on that last part. He heaves a breath and continues:] I've never been that great at actually being it or… really believing I could be it. I was gonna fake it till I made it. But… after everything… I've been going through the motions so nobody will look at me and- and see all that dark stuff inside me. All the things I'm… ashamed of.

[He lets out a slow breath.] And now… everyone knows one of the worst things that's ever happened to me and… that's all they'll see. Maybe that's… really all I am now.

[Bolin listens quietly and with his full attention, nodding a little here and there and only finally taking his hand back from Lance's knee to rest on the table when he finishes speaking. Then it's his turn to carefully measure his words.

Bolin isn't trained in how to deal with any of this stuff, he can only work from experience. How he's treated other people in the past and his role models. Mako can be a many things, but he raised Bolin right and those lessons have stuck through all his own terrible experiences.]

No, that's not true.

It might feel like that? But from where I'm sitting, I don't think that's the case. I think the people who know you will see their friend. Sure, their friend is going through a really dark time, and they'll see their friend who needs to heal, but when things are dark there's nowhere to go but back to the light. And they'll support you because that's what friends do. Leaning on other people is how things heal and get light again. No one can do it alone.

And all those other people? They don't know you and they don't matter.

[It's what Lance desperately wants to believe and it does soothe him a bit in this moment to hear it. But he supposes things don't really work the way they do in the Saturday morning cartoons he used to watch with his niece and nephew. A kind and true from the heart speech from a friend doesn't just make the sun come out and all of a sudden you look at yourself and the world in another light. He can try to remember and hold on to it, though.

He offers Bolin a weak smile. A genuine try, though it's clear it struggles to reach his whole face.] Thanks, Bolin.

I… really wish I could take that to heart and believe it just like that, but… I guess it's not that easy. I know you're right up here- [He taps his temple] - it's how my family raised me, but…

[He shakes his head, not able to find the right words to describe just how much has altered how he sees the world and himself. He's not who he used to be and maybe he can never be completely the same again, but…] What I know is… I wanna try to be who I was before and who I was trying to become. I dunno if I can, but I guess I can try…

[The idea of trying visibly scares him. There's always more horror and pain around the corner to keep dragging him down. But what else is he gonna do?]

That's the spirit.

[It's sink or swim, Lance. And Bolin thinks you're a swimmer.

He nods again. Everything Lance is saying is completely valid.

Hm. He has to think about this. The cogs are whirring. The empathy is flowing. The heart is bleeding.]

You know, I kind of think this is just what happens when you grow up. A lot of things have happened to me and I know I'm not the same person I was three or four or even a year ago. And I kind of miss the times when my biggest problem was if we were going to eat that day. But at the same time? Given the chance to go back I don't think I would.

All those painful things... they forced me to make a choice. To figure out what I believe in, even if that thing didn't always turn out how I wanted it to. They forced me to be stronger, even when it hurt or was really scary. And I got through it because I wasn't alone.

I get what you're saying and I support you.. and I know these things take time. No one will expect you to just be okay all of a sudden. What I'm saying is: I think you're a fighter and you have so much to offer that you would be doing yourself a huge disservice not to try. Just be you.

Edited 2021-11-11 23:48 (UTC)

[He has some spirit, but it feels like a weak spark surrounded by a lot of heavy darkness and fear right now. But he wasn't raised to be the kind of person who lets that overpower him so easily, it's why he's mostly held on to his moral compass and compassion all these years in war and Deerington.

And he can understand what Bolin is saying about growing up, though it's really hard for him to be so comfortable with how much all the trauma he's endured has changed him. It's hard to accept that as the same thing as growing up, but he doesn't say so. His new friend has been here for him and he's trying, and it's not like there isn't a good point towards the end there that can be applied to his situation.

He smiles faintly again.] I dunno how much stronger I feel. But thanks, Bolin. That… really means a lot. I guess I can try, some people would say that's the best anyone can do… right?

[It's visibly and audibly hard for him to really feel that right now, his tone is still heavy with doubt, shame and grief. But there's enough willingness to move forward and try there that he's able to get himself to say any of this. And he means it.]

[Look, he's trying. An attempt has been made. He doesn't know Lance or his past or even current situation enough to be able to say something totally on the money.

Bolin smiles softly. It's a little lopsided and completely earnest. He can almost feel the lead of Lance's grief on his own shoulders and it compels him to square and brace for the weight. Help carry the load. He can do that, not because Lance asks him to but because he wants to and knows that asking for help is half the battle. The other half is accepting it, so all in all he thinks things are off to a good start.]

Yeah. I think you're right, buddy. We can do it together.

Edited (words) 2021-11-12 03:29 (UTC)

Y-yeah.

[Lance awkwardly agrees, struggling with the idea of it deep down but not about to put voice to it. He realizes faintly that he really needs to try to talk to his Voltron family. What's left of it anyway. It's harder, because opening up about these things to the people who love you the most really can be for so many reasons. They're clearly not home, but he'll see them later. Maybe. He's not sure if he's ready to face them right now.

A short pause and he finally grabs some food that Bolin brought for him to put something in his stomach. He is hungry but at the same time his stomach has been roiling so he hasn't been sure. But he fought Maul for three days and slept for a little over two more. If he doesn't eat, he may literally starve. Then he decides to shift back to the whole reason Bolin is here and at least have a look…]

You… have that script on you?

[You're too skinny as it is. Please eat something. Let him feed you.]

Um? Oh- yeah. Actually, I do.

[He pauses from his mission to get at the steamed buns he brought and pivots to the manuscript in his shirt.

Yeah. So. that's been in there this whole time.]

There's some parts I've been adding to but it's pretty much ready to go.

[So he offers it over and then goes for the buns. The script is hand written with a few bits of string in various places where he's reminding himself to go back later and fiddle around with it.. be that stage direction or an illustration or a part he's written in.]

[Hey! He's got muscles! They're just lithe! But his body fat percentage is pretty insanely low, it's true.

Lance takes the script and starts looking it over immediately while thoughtlessly continuing to eat. His powers may be able to generate their own energy, but they still tend to draw on his caloric intake as part of the ignition factor. So he requires a lot of food and could probably clear this whole spread alone without even thinking about it.]

…Heh, it looks good, Bolin. [He finally says after going through a few pages and several items of food. Then he frowns thoughtfully.] Maybe… maybe I can learn a couple songs on my own and come to the Raccoon Room when it's closed and try it out for you that way. Maybe in like a couple days?

[Shh shh baby, you're a twink and it's fine but please eat something it's been days.

Thing is, Bolin can also eat for king and country so between the two of them, even though Bo is conscious of and happily allocating himself just under a quarter, it will be wiped out. And he is totally okay with that. Just an excuse to come around again with more and Mako never tells him no when he asks him to cook so it all works out.

He nibbles and tries not to watch Lance read too obviously but it's hard to watch someone read your work and not obviously watch them. So wow this jar of preserve is so interesting. How does one make mushroom pate anyway? Can mushrooms be made into flour too? Can you make mushroom bread? So many questions mercifully never birthed into the world. When Lance speaks Bolin looks up and sets the jar down. Yes hello hi back in the room.]

Really? I mean, if you want to then yeah, absolutely.

But, and I mean it, I am not pushing you for anything that would make you uncomfortable. And everything I said earlier still stands whether you want to do the musical or not.

[Oh he's eating all the things.

Lance smiles faintly but genuinely when Bolin reassures him he's not pushing. He looks down at the script again, contemplative and pauses his eating trance to think of the right way to tell him what he's thinking.]

…Being in the spotlight, any spotlight, used to be what I lived for. I guess I wanna try living again. [He clears his throat and flushes a bit, the blush causes his cheeks to glow because of his powers. That was really sappy.] But don't wait on me to figure myself out. If you gotta get going on casting, I can be your lighting tech.

[To demonstrate, he creates a few small stars over his palm and bits his lip hard as he focuses on making them change brightness and color and size. They twinkle and sparkle beautifully before he has to let them return to his body. That… actually really hurt to do but he hides it and doesn't mention it, he'll figure out why another time.]

[Lance why are you like this.

But you're lucky because Bolin doesn't see any wince of pain, not in the slightest. He's way too focused on the light show and watches it dazzled with awe. It is So. Cool.]

Wow...

[t's real awe, we're talking about. He shakes himself back to focusing on Lance once he puts them away and nods slowly before gently punching his own hand. Yes! Decision! Alright!]

Well I'll tell you what. You think about it, and if you want to audition then let me know and if you don't then I'd still love your expertise. You could be lighting or a consultant, maybe?

... big secret here, I've never done a stage show before. I've acted for film and when I was a pro fighter it was kind of like being on stage, but it isn't the same as this. I'm kind of nervous, I'll just say it.

[So many reasons, few of them pleasant.

But he does get a boost when Bolin looks so enchanted by his display. Too bad he can't keep it going right now, because he lives for making people look at him like that.

Then at Bolin's suggestion followed by that confession, his eyebrows go up in some surprise. Bolin is so solid in multiple ways, it's interesting to hear that he's nervous. But he can understand it and now that he's saying it to him, it makes sense. He smiles gently.]

Yeah, sure. I've done a few plays and musicals so I could totally help with that. Stage and film are definitely pretty different but you'll get the hang of it. And you've got a good start, your script isn't half bad, you know.

Yeah? You really think so?

Of course, man. You're a really creative and passionate guy. [He gives Bolin a bit of a warbling smile. The fact that his powers haven't gone as haywire as usual when opening up emotionally isn't noticed right now, he's got a lot to think about as it is.] I've gotta… go check on things back home, make sure Edelya and Kaltenecker and the rest know I'm alive.

[Showering earlier with all his wounds was difficult, luckily, most of the bandages hid everything after he rewrapped them. But thee pain is intense and he has some "supplies" back at the barn he needs to take the edge off.]

Oh.. yeah, of course.

[Bolin smiles and dusts off his shirt, collecting his basket and script.]

I'll get out of your hair.

[A smile and a shoulder squeeze and he lets himself out.]

Later! Text me~!

Edited (aaaaand scene) 2022-01-08 22:12 (UTC)

Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject