deercountry | Keep a running list of all your doubts and your dead ends

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Keep a running list of all your doubts and your dead ends

Who: Fern

laminae and open.
What: Catch-all log for January.
When: Early January so far.
Where: Around Trench.

Content Warnings: Violent death, fighting, post-death blues.

Let's fight a god (Closed to Dirk and Varian)

[Fern can't figure out if this is the best idea he's ever had, or the worst. He's hit a point in his desperation where any idea, no matter how unlikely or ridiculous-sounding, is an idea he's willing to try. He is, of course, being driven by his love for Varian, his desire to see the person he cares most about in the world stop spiraling into the abyss, and he's well aware that making decisions ruled by emotions generally isn't the best thing to do. But at the same time they've tried so many other things - those supposed anti-corruption cookies, taking Varian out to socialize and have more company, indulging in his love of science - and nothing has worked. Varian has steadily gotten worse and worse, and that's why he's out here today. Before leaving the house he sent his boyfriend a quick text, deliberately doing so to make sure he won't get it too soon and try to stop him before he confronts The Tower.

At least he's brought someone along. Dirk was the natural choice for him, what with his godhood and experience with cosmic beings and his willingness to put up a fight. Between the two of them they have more experience with gods than most people, so if he has any chance at all of getting a solution out of Varian's Patron Pthmuerian it'll be with him. And if he doesn't, well, at least he tried. He tried and he'll find some other idea to try. He'll keep on trying until Varian starts to improve, and not before then.

(The idea that he might just fail, that Varian might get so bad there's no coming back from him and he might end up the Lumenarium does occur to him, but he refuses to actually entertain that notion. He's risking even more corruption himself if he does.)

It was at least easy to figure out which Patron was Varian's. The hideout during November, as well as Varian's personality and love of science makes it clear to him that it could only be The Tower. From there it was only a matter of asking around to find out where the most recent sighting of the Pthumerian was - a little plaza in Gaze near the School of Mutter, the area circled by ancient, crumbling statues and gnarled old trees. It's creepy and ominous but there he is, standing starkly in contrast to the other statues, looking as if he's been carved out of smooth marble. Several ravens have settled themselves on his shoulders, content to be resting there despite the chilly weather.

Fern's hands clench into fists and he has to resist the urge to form a grass sword. The familiar weight would offer some comfort, but he's here to talk, not attack the guy. So he glances to his side, over at Dirk.]

Oookay, let's do this.

Post-death - For Varian

[Fern's crystallized grassy remains in the little plant pot for the next few days. They don't do much, no rooting or responding to the grow light Luz has set up. The grass remains suspended in the crystals, still and silent, until one night when squid ink begins to leak out of the shreds of plant matter, through the crystal and into the dirt. What follows is a fairly quick process: the crystal cracks and breaks, and from the grass Fern's squid body remains. It only remains that way for a few moments though, suddenly overtaken by a whole surge of grass as Fern regrows the rest of his body, a large lump of grass that ungracefully falls off the table and onto the floor.

Smooth.]

Post-death - OTA

[It takes him a little while to fully pull himself back together and feel some semblance of normal, but eventually Fern manages. He thankfully doesn't have the deathflu to contend with, so all it is is general exhaustion from having been dead and literally regrowing his entire body. It means that for the first few days of being back, he sticks near the house in Cassandra instead of going out to his usual haunts in Ache and Willful Machine, not wanting to worry anyone about overexerting himself.

He can generally be found up on the roof, always accompanied by one horse-sized black wolf who happens to be toasty warm. There's one huge upside to having a fire wolf for a friend, Hazel's proximity is perfect in fighting off the chill of winter.

If anyone approaches the house and enters the yard Hazel's ears will perk up, though Fern will give the wolf a reassuring pat on the head before waving.]

The Red - Rest and Recovery

[The flyer sounds a little sketchy, but Fern remembers some of the kinder parties in Deerington, and honestly, the idea of hanging out somewhere supposedly safe from corruption sounds nice. Exactly the kind of thing at least half the Sleepers in Trench need after the situation with Varian, and even though he had been dead at the time that includes himself.

He can be found at The Red on various nights, dressed up in his outfit from Madam Generosity, a style that's a combination of viking and barbarian with one very furry, very cozy-looking fur cloak. Early on in the month he's more commonly found curled up in one of the giant cushions, drinking some soda, exhausted and recovering from his time being dead.]

The Red - Music Jam

[Later on in the month, when he's feeling more like his usual self, he'll be taking a bit more of an active interest in the talent and fashion shows. He finds a seat near the stage, especially interested in the musical acts.

Maybe he's brought his guitar with him tonight, strumming it idly in between act. Or maybe it's another night where he has one very steampunk-looking flute in his hands, drumming his fingers along it anxiously. If anyone happens to take a seat next to him he looks over.]

They're pretty good, huh?

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[ Orpheus doesn't look too convinced by that, but he's not going to force Fern to argue with him to comfort him when Fern's the one who just died, and instead just frowns and glances away for a moment. He nods when Hazel's help is offered, though. ]

Sure, I don't mind.

[ Honestly, dogs do make him a little bit nervous these days, but it's something he can get over easily enough if he thinks on it. Hazel's a good wolf, and if he wouldn't hurt Fern then he wouldn't hurt Orpheus. Simple as that. ]

Cool.

[He says a few words to Hazel, who climbs to his feet, shakes, and very gracefully leaps off of the roof and onto the ground. Once he's on the ground he bounds over to Orpheus, tail wagging, trying to lick him.]

[ It's a little hard not to flinch a bit with Hazel's mouth and teeth up so close to him like this, but he forces himself to relax and holds out his hands to be licked and sniffed, knowing that dogs (and by extension probably fire wolves?) are usually better at staying calm if you're calm too. Once he's been thoroughly examined and approved, he climbs carefully onto Hazel's back, arms wrapped around his neck for balance. ]

Is Hazel a friend from Ooo? [ he asks, glancing up at Fern. ] Or did you find him in Deerington?

[At least sitting on Hazel's back is more comfortable than a horse. He's warm and fluffy, and there's loads of fur to hold onto as he hops back up onto the roof. Fern shoves over a tiny bit, so Orpheus can sit on a spot of the roof that's dry.]

Fire wolves are common in Ooo, but I met him in Deerington. He's been with me since he was a pup.

[ Orpheus has spent more time riding animals in Deerington and Trench than he ever did in his previous life, and it kind of shows, in the way he white-knuckles the ride back up to the roof and in his less than graceful dismount, even accounting for his injured leg. He's mostly fine, though, and settles down in the dry spot next to Fern. ]

Oh, it's nice that you can have someone familiar with you like that, then. [ he says, smiling and patting Hazel on the shoulder as he settles in. It's tempting to keep the conversation light, but... ] Um. How's Varian doing? Now that you're back.

[Once Orpheus has climbed off, Hazel circles around then flops over, his tail wagging.]

Yeah, it is. [Fern pauses at that question, making it clear the answer isn't a good one.] He's... doing better. Not great, but he's not as bad as before. Everyone who helped him out when he was a beast did a great job.

Mm. [ Orpheus makes a noncommittal noise, expression pulling tight as he tries not to grimace, or protest. ] I'm glad he had other people helping him.

[ Keyword 'tries'. Whether Varian's okay now or not, it's hard not to feel like he failed him, after watching him be attacked by hunters and not even being able to stop that, much less the bestial rampage.

But he shouldn't dump that on Fern, and he realizes that, so he tries to shift the subject onto something better. ]

A lot of people came out to help him, from what I could tell? I don't know what wound up working, in the end, but it's good that he has so much support, then and now. I'm, um - [ And he narrowly catches himself before apologizing again. ] We'll be better. About keeping an eye on each other from now on. Now that we know how bad it can get.

[Fern nods softly at all of that.]

That's the best thing we can do. Not just... feeling sorry for ourselves for screwing up. [Because oh man, does he ever get how Orpheus is feeling. They're in the same guilt-ridden boat adrift in a sea of completely missed the mark.] But being there for each other. He told me that was what brought him back, so we gotta keep all of that up. We can't let anyone flounder on their own.

That's good. So we know that - talking people down, when this happens can work. That's what I thought.

[ And he feels a guilty little pang over the fact that what he did wasn't enough, but he shoves that aside as being selfish and tries to be grateful for what did work, and lets himself believe he might've contributed at least a little. ]

But it'll be better for everybody if we can stop things like this from happening to begin with, [ he agrees. ] Which means supporting each other, and being willing to ask for help.

[ His smile fades a little bit, and he sighs. ]

I know that isn't always easy, though.

[Fern nods. It still sounds unreal to him, but it worked and there's no denying that.]

It's really not. Back in Ooo I had a mental vault where I'd shove stuff I can't handle, I bet there're a lot of people around here who have something like that, too.

[He huffs.]

We gotta find some way to get through to them that doing that's only gonna hurt them.

Oh. [ says Orpheus. ] No, that... sounds familiar.

[ Maybe he didn't think of it as a vault, but. He's definitely been shoving certain things to the side to avoid thinking about them rather than trying to handle any of it. ]

Hopefully if we tell people about why this happened, they'll be more careful? Knowing how bad it can get, and that you'll hurt the people around you instead of just yourself if you try to keep everything inside - that should be enough, right?

[He makes a noise like a sigh. Yeah, the mental vault is very specifically a Finn thing, but he doesn't doubt the general concept is something other people are doing.]

It'll at least make 'em way more aware. That's better than leaving everyone in the dark and keeping all this to ourselves.

[ Orpheus nods, solemnly. ]

Right. I sort of promised Eurydice already that I'd be less, um. [ He gestures, trying to find the right word. ] Dismissive, of my own problems, too. It's just hard not to look at people doing worse than you and think your issues can wait? But, I can see how everybody doing that would make things worse.

[Fern's expression lightens and he smiles a bit at the promise Orpheus made to Eurydice. That sounds pretty serious, so he's sure Orpheus will do his best to keep that promise and not disappoint the person he loves.]

Yeah. When I was Finn I was used to putting everyone else first. Still feels hard to change that. I bet Eurydice was happy you promised her that, though.

[ Orpheus sighs. ]

I think she was just glad I stopped worrying about Varian long enough to pay attention to my leg being hurt.

[ In his defense it had felt like the much bigger issue at the time, between the adrenaline dampening the pain and the way he'd watched the hunters run off in pursuit after him. ]

I'm tired of making her worry about me. We promised we'd look after each other, and I keep doing things that mean she has to take care of me instead. I don't want her to have to do that. Not all the time.

What happened there? You're not gonna lose it, are you?

[He just... wants to be sure. After Varian's leg and everything.]

I get that. It's easy to forget that kinda thing when you're so focused on them, huh?

Hmm? Oh, no, it's fine. [ For a given value of 'fine'. ] Varian was trying to defend himself from some hunters, and he caught me by accident. I'm just a little burned, but I'll heal.

[ It might not look pretty, but he'll take it. ]

It is. Sometimes it's helpful, being able to do that? To forget about yourself and push through anything. But... it's probably good to know when to stop, too.

... Oh. [Aw geez, if Varian doesn't already know about this then he isn't going to be happy. Devastated, more like.] There might be blood ministers who can help.

[With the healing and whatnot.]

It's... it's something to work on. Knowing when to stop. [He has no idea how to go about that, but just knowing they need to work on that is the first step, right?]

I've been to see a few already. They gave me some ointments to keep the wound clean and help it heal better. It'll just take some time.

[ He wiggles his foot a little bit, for emphasis. See? Fine. ]

I've never been good at that. [ he admits. ] It's just so easy to get caught up in things. I'm... really lucky, in that I've always had people around me, who were willing to try to step in when I got carried away? But I didn't always... listen to them. I'm trying to be better about that.

That's - that's good. You should be okay, then.

[Hopefully. There aren't many other options, here.]

Hah, same. Getting carried away is way easier. And usually more fun. [Right up until it comes back to bite them in the ass.]

[ Orpheus smiles a little - it's not exactly good that Fern gets it, but despite it all he's glad to hear he's not the only one. ]

I just have a really hard time letting go of things once I've managed to start? And sometimes that works really well! I'm pretty sure if I stopped to think about it all I wouldn't have made it all the way to the Underworld, when I went.

[ He's pretty sure stopping to think about it is what ruined his attempt to leave with Eurydice, even. ]

But it's not always the healthiest? And I can see how it'd be really upsetting to watch, for the people around me.

You got a good point there. Sometimes stopping and thinking is about the worst thing you can do.

[He can definitely see that horrible idea with Orpheus' situation. Sometimes when you walk into Hell the last thing you should do is stop and think.]

Yeah. They're the ones we gotta be thinking about. 'Would this hurt my friends and family?' Because that's the most important thing here, not hurting them.

Right. It's just a good thing to ask yourself every now and then in general, maybe? Because sometimes the things that hurt people aren't always, um. Obvious.

[ At least not to him, not always. Orpheus can be pretty perceptive when he tries, but the problem is sometime he just. Forgets to. ]

It's just hard, because, well. I guess you know what it's like? [ He grimaces, apologetic. ] Doing something you think will help, but it only makes things worse. And maybe if you'd thought to ask if it was a good idea, they would've told you 'no,' but you didn't, or they did tell you that and you just didn't listen because you thought you knew best.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I'm trying not to repeat old mistakes here, but it's not always easy to see in the moment.

That's not a bad idea. It might help keep us, what's the word for it? Grounded? Some junk like that.

[It isn't always obvious to him either, so it's good advice. He nods at what Orpheus says. He's really good at making things worse, and not so good at making them better.]

Ugh, I'm so bad at doing the right thing in the moment. It always feels like I do the opposite, 'cause I'm not good at stopping and thinking and everything.

[ Orpheus nods, solemnly. ]

Everyone's instincts lead them the wrong way sometimes, [ he says, frowning. ] But I know it's hard when you feel like that's true more often than it isn't. For what it's worth, I think you're better at helping people than you give yourself credit for? But I do understand.

[ He sighs, leaning back against the slant of the roof. ]

There aren't easy answers that always work in every situation. Trying to treat everyone with kindness is a start, but even that can get complicated - maybe especially? - and it doesn't always work.

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