Feburary Catch All - Wandering This Month

[psychopepsquad]

Who: Tara McClay and You
What: Dealing with changes, wandering
When: Feburary
Where: All Over

CW: Moments of insanity, depression, talk of death and a bit of suicidal ideation.

Comments

Meditation

[psychopepsquad]

[It seemed the easier means to try and find some center in this place that never made sense. Meditation had been a habit before coming here, before dying. A part of her wasn't sure she could reach out and feel her roots in the Earth anymore. Maybe that was why she went to the gardens. Nature of some kind, trees and grass, things that were more tangible and fresh than just...pavement.

But there were thoughts that invaded her mind as she tried to reach out to nothingness. The sense that this might be inside the Hellmouth, an idea she was becoming more certain of as time passed. That they were all really dead and sucked into this alternate universe.

And there were the questions as well. Things that she hadn't bothered to learn about since arriving. What was going on with these blood types, what was going on with this place and how long they would be here? It was likely to lead to a complicated answer and she wasn't sure she could hold on to long explanations at the moment.

She couldn't even connect herself to the powers of the earth. She gave a sigh of frustration and slapped her hand on the ground.]

Again? Really?

Re: Meditation

[imaglyphwitch]

[Luz was in one of those moods where she needed a break in some of her thoughts. The beginning of the new month was starting to work on her in ways that she hadn't expected, and she knew she needed to get away to a place that would give her some peace of mind.

After her earlier fiasco at the tower, she was looking for a change of pace and so found herself in these gardens, tucking herself away in a narrow alcove where she could relax and unwind in peace.

She was doing this for at least ten minutes before she felt frustration, and strangely, not from her. She opened her eyes and looked around and finally eyed a girl she was sure she hadn't seen before. Had she just arrived?

In any case, Luz approached her and made a small throat clearing noise].

Hello. I know it sounds weird, but I sensed you were...upset. Is something wrong?

[psychopepsquad]

[It's not really the first time someone wandered over to where she was meditating. Given that she was a bit upset, she's not really surprised that someone else noticed it. But it seems like she's not the only one in need of a bit of peace. It's hard to tell, but it seems like this girl was a bit...rattled? Something else?

Hard to say.]

This place is a bit weird.

[Understatement. Major understatement. She's not very good at talking to new people, even if some of her shyness had abated.]

I don't know. It's like regular magic can be a bit...off here? I can't really meditate on this ground.

[imaglyphwitch]

[Luz these days was always rattled, but very keen on either trying to play it off or attempting to somehow make it work in her favor. In this case, she figured a change of pace for meditation might help. She hadn't expected that anyone else would be here, let alone someone who had the same thought].

That's putting it mildly! This place is totally bonkers! But like most places, some are worse than others. You could do worse than winding up here, I think!

You know, someone I live with did remind me that even the flora here is really strange. Maybe it'll help to fixate on a Pthumerian. You've heard of them by now, right?

[psychopepsquad]

[It was always a nice surprise to see someone else who was interested in meditating or just hanging back to enjoy the stillness of everything. It was that kind of moment that gave her a bit of nostalgia when she first met Willow, her first fellow caster outside of her mother. It was a nice reminder that she wasn't really as alone as she sometimes worried.

Or rather, as much of an outsider, as she often felt here.]

You think so? [That's probably the first time she heard someone say that about this place.] Have you been worse places?

Th...the god thing we each have here, I think?

[oldhound]

[ John makes it a habit to check out the gardens fairly often. In part cause it's good to find that connection on his own, even if his magic isn't based solely on the earth. He still knows it and utilizes it at times. Besides that, he likes to see if there's anything he can bring back to the shop as well.

Today, though, it's less that and more just out to try and clear his head. He hears the smack of a palm against the ground and the muttering of frustration. Seems he's not the only one with that idea. ]

How long have you been at it?

[psychopepsquad]

Today or since I arrived?

[She does her best to joke despite the recent issues she had developed in the Trench. There was a sense that she might have seen him around, but given how out of it she's been since...forever, everything in the Trench has been a blur.

She rubbed her temples with the tips of her fingers, hoping that might release some of the tension building in her head.]

The magic doesn't...flow right here. Not like it did at home. So now I have to...adjust.

[oldhound]

Why not both? This place has a habit of mucking about with what we're used to being our strengths. Hell of a re-learning curve.

[ He gestures to the spot in front of her in answer if he can sit. ]

Mind if I join you? I've got some experience even before winding up here. Might be able to help with that bit of adjusting.

[psychopepsquad]

It seems like everything is mucked up. It just seems like magic itself is tainted like blood can be.

[She nodded, shifting to make room for him.]

You don't mind?

[The usual way she knew to balance and strengthen would require touch, but given how bundled up she was and the gloves she wore, that wasn't an option any more.]

Wandering

[psychopepsquad]

[Her blips were becoming more frequent, something Tara referred to when her sanity seemed to lapse. If it was her sanity, she honestly didn't know anymore. All she knew is that she would be doing something or saying something and it was like her mind blacked out. She clearly functioned, as when she came back, she would have moved or done something or said something without realizing it or control. It was like, her body and mind weren't her own, the blip was.

That was how she found herself in the middle of nowhere. Others were around, but the street was unfamiliar and the place seemed further than the house. She must have wandered here and goddess she hoped she hadn't done anything stupid.

Without much choice, she had to just go in one direction and hope it lead home.]

Breadcrumbs. I need breadcrumbs.

[It was a lame attempt to amuse herself, to feel something again. Since arriving, she'd been so...empty. Without feeling, emotion or motivation. Everything was like death, as if she hadn't been brought back after getting shot. Or like there was something wrong with her.

Buffy once suggested this and she had tried to reassure her, so it was ironic that the shoe was on the other foot. She thought sometimes she missed feeling or being actively present in the moment, but those sensations disappeared, leaving just...nothing.

Was it her blood type? Was it because she had been dead before coming here? It was hard to say, only that she wanted to fix it and sometimes wondered if dying again might be enough. Willow talked about how death wasn't permanent here. So maybe she jumped from a building, died and came back. Would that make it worse or better.

She stopped and crouched by the edge of the road, putting her hands over the back of her neck for a moment, trying to breathe.]

I hate it here.

[wapples]

[Billie looks like he is far too small, and far too young to be out without adult supervision, but here he is, a short, round two foot tall child wandering the streets of Trench with a fluffy sheltie at his heels.

It's the dog who approaches first pushing at Tara's elbow with its nose as the boy stands back a little, frowning.]

Are you okay?

[psychopepsquad]

Yeah.

[She relaxes a bit at the sight of a child. It was always a bit easier to talk to them than adults. There wasn't really much reason to be shy around them.

She shifts a bit from the dog, not entirely fond of them, but doing her best to be kind.]

I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting. People keep trying to explain it to me, but it's not really making sense.

[wapples]

[Billie sees the way she shifts away from the dog and settles in on the ground in front of Tara, and calls the animal back to him, hugging her fluffy neck.

He can understand having trouble adjusting to a place like this. It's strange by his standards too, and he's still getting used to it, even if he's more than happy to embrace the good things Trench has to offer.]

It's kind of weird here, huh?

[psychopepsquad]

Definitely an understatement.

[It was easier to laugh off her frustrations with someone much younger. All the years trying to be stronger for Dawn and looking after her, it helped put a lot of things in perspective.

It was nice to find that small glimmer of familiarity again, even in this dark place.]

How long have you been here?

[That question made the unfairness of it all hit her harder, specifically for Billie.]

[unphase]

[Tinya's out on her own wanderings, getting the lay of the land. she's painfully aware that she's new here. while she'd hated the other place, at least there she knew how to get around. and at least there, her inborn powers worked. she could still see the path through dimensions, but she can't access it anymore.

but she sees the young woman looking lost, a look of despair on her face and what can be said? Tinya always was a softie, something often condemned, but never fully eradicated. so she approaches the young woman, a calm yet friendly look on her face when she overhears what the other woman had to say]

So do I. It's too bleak and depressing. Is it ever springtime?

[psychopepsquad]

[Softie was a good thing, something she could relate to. Now that the shoe was on the other foot, she was grateful there was someone else kind around. After some of the things she'd seen here, it was comforting to know there were others unblemished by the corruption and darkness here.

She lets out a tired huff, easing off her frustrations and tension.

She might be lost, but things weren't so large and overwhelming as when she was alone.]

I don't know how you can tell if it is. It doesn't seem like anything grows here except fear.

[unphase]

[she doesn't ever want to not be kind. the other place tried to brutalize it out of her, but she was far too stubborn to let the other place "win." she controlled her destiny, and she chose to stay kind, gentle (except in battle), and empathetic.

she recognizes the huff, it's one she herself has let out more than a few times here. learning the geography was proving to be challenging.

that was a good philosophy for life in general, really.

and she tries to not visibly wince] I'd far rather it grew tulips than fear, though I suppose it's in the nature of the multiverse to foster fear rather than joy.

And...forgive me if I overreach, but. You seemed a little lost? Is everything okay?

[psychopepsquad]

Tulips would be nice. [She gave an awkward smile, falling into an easier topic and feeling a lot less out of place.] Maybe wildflowers? I always liked they'd bring in butterflies and bees.

[Okay, now she's being a dork. Or weird. Either way, she feels stupid.]

Multiverse. That's the first time I've heard that. I was told there were different dimensions with all sorts of worlds. Some with shrimp or without shrimp. [Dorky laugh.] I kind of think this one is a Hell dimension.

[Her face turned a bit red. How to explain without admitting that she blipped and lost control of her sanity?]

I guess I got turned around somewhere. Do you have any idea where the gardens are?

Open to Housemates

[psychopepsquad]

[It seemed that things had calmed down at home. She'd just sort of been following Willow's lead, unsure what it means to be a vampire here or really anything about the drama. She was just glad to have a place to stay, even if things went really awkward.

Seated on the couch, Tara did her best to focus on a book, but her mind kept wandering. Not the bad kind of wandering, not the blips of control or sanity. Just...her trying to take in the silence and warmth of this place. She might not feel alive or really anything at all, but this was a comfortable place and it was obvious that everyone was close.

She hadn't done really well at opening up, but maybe she should? Not that she knew how, her shyness sometimes overpowered her. There wasn't much time to prepare herself before someone in came in the room. She forced a smile, fighting the sensation of ducking her head behind her head.]

He...hey. How are you?

[entreats]

[ Ange.. really isn't too sure what to make of Tara, really. It's not that she doesn't give the other at least some trust - if not just because she's close with Willow, and Ange certainly does trust her judgement. But Tara has definitely seemed odd.

Odd in a way Ange can't quite place. It feels so hard to get a grip on the other, or what she's like.

Still, that's no reason to not at least greet the other when she spots her around the house, right? Ange greets the other with a small nod in return, before speaking up. ]

The same as ever, I guess. [ Ange shrugs a little while she says it.

It certainly isn't a very enthusiastic answer, but that's Ange for you. Just the fact that she isn't totally miserable anymore these days is a total miracle to her, really. ]

.. how about you? [ She's much more curious about that, given some of Tara's behaviour from before. ]

[psychopepsquad]

I'm sorry about the last time.

[It had been weighing on her mind. It didn't help that she worried about the impression she made or that she had done something to make Ange dislike her. It was that same worry when she met Willow's friends in Sunnydale. Some things never really went away, did they?

She fidgeted with the notes in her hands, things left over from her research. She had been doing her best, even if she still had her blips.]

I didn't mean to um...get weird. The blood zealots really rattled me. They were the first thing I saw here.

[entreats]

It's okay.

[ It feels a little awkward to say 'it's okay' when it really wasn't okay back there, but what else is she supposed to say? Sure, Tara's behaviour was really odd, but if it was just a one time thing, then it's not like she can really fault the other for it either.

Hence why Ange tries to casually shrug after she says those words, not wanting the other to think it's some sort of big deal. ]

Was that back in November?

[ Considering that's when those guys were really running around all over the place. Ange remembers it pretty well too, for personal reasons. ]

Hey let me know if this is okay!

[onekindsoul]

[Ruby Rose didn't just enter the room. She knew Willow had invited a friend into the house and she was a little eager to say hello. Or at least to scope out the new roommate. So it's not so much as her entering the room as Tara realizes that Ruby is looming over the edge of the couch.

...She had been trying to subtle but it apparently hadn't worked very well. So she sees the forced smile and hears the hello and gives a little yelp of surprise as she falls back onto her butt.]

Oh- Uh- Hey! I'm okay. How about you?

Uh- Nice to meet you.

This is fine!

[psychopepsquad]

Y...yeah. I'm okay.

[She's doing her best not to stutter. It's an old habit that she really thought had passed, along with shyness, but maybe it still had roots in her. Only to come out when things get a bit...stressful. It seemed impossible that things would ever not be stressful here.

She gets up to offer her hand to help Ruby up.]

Did you hurt yourself?

[onekindsoul]

[Honestly. Ruby could relate to that shyness. Or at least she used to be incredibly awkward herself when it came to social situations. She had... Kind of had to learn to be more open and out there. It had come with being made the leader of her own team in school.

She smiles and takes the hand and pulls herself back up to her feet.]

Oh yeah. Just a little clumsy you know?

But I'm glad you're doing okay.

It's nice to have some more people from Willow's home around here. You settling in okay?