deercountry | February & March Catch-All

[Because he loved her, Vyng realizes with a terrible pang. That's why Obi-Wan thinks of her alongside his fallen Jedi brothers and sisters — her death was as gut-wrenching as losing family to war.

He places a hand next to Obi-Wan's, palm briefly opening in a silent offer.]

I can only imagine how deeply that wounded you.

[Because that's what it is, when a loved one's life is so maliciously dashed to pieces well before their time would have been otherwise. A wound far more painful than any physical harm anybody could inflict on you. An injury you carry with you for the rest of your life — never fully healed, but something you've got to manage all the same.

Maul knew that. He weaponized it. Now Obi-Wan is living with the consequences, regardless of where Maul ends up on his personal journey to be better.]

[ obi-wan lays his hand open it, palms pressed together. the force weaves the silent strands of his grief, out in the open. obi-wan has no shame in it. satine loved him and he loved her. that love remains untouched, even if the universe feels her loss. as he feels it. ]

It is a wound. Some days are harder than most.

[His fingers loosely curl around Obi-Wan's hand. Even without either of them saying anything, the grief is palpable. Vyng is reminded of the living storm, and how quickly he recognized its core emotion once he actually reached out to it. But unlike the rage and maliciousness that cracked their mast apart, Obi-Wan remains cool and steady like a crystal-clear river that knows where it's going.

Still. It's not an easy path. It never is.]

What do you do? On the harder days.

Edited 2022-02-14 07:45 (UTC)

[ he smiles faintly. ]

I remember.

After all, we are always more than our pain.

[That's true. Pain is only one facet within a brilliant kaleidoscope of experiences.]

Grief is love's final form. And remembering is...how you honor that love, isn't it.

The love we had for each other lives on. She knew it. As do I.

[ remember, my dear obi-wan. i've always loved you. i always will. ]

It's...how you're able to move forward, even though it hurts.

[He recalls his own mother's words, nearly a century ago. "I’ll always be there to show you the way." Is this what she meant? That her love would live on through him?]

[ gently. ]

To live is to move on.

[ that is what all living things must grapple with. and endure. but that is their strength. endurance. ]

[To move on. To grow. To change. Inevitable, but not always easy to accept.]

Many people would be bitter in your shoes. It's so easy to dream about revenge.

[His words are low. Quiet. Just barely loud enough to be heard over the soft chatter of nearby patrons.]

Even if they wake up, and realize they've got so much more to live for...they'd still need to untangle the knots in their heart that came from wasting so much time looking for closure in all the wrong places.

[If their positions were swapped? If he'd been forced to share a town with his mother's murderer? He isn't sure he'd be handling it with quite the same poise and grace. Vyng regards Obi-Wan with a ghost of a smile.]

But you're here. Living.

[And as somebody who's spent years working through his own grief, he respects that so much.]

Edited 2022-02-15 23:51 (UTC)

[ the smile comes to his lips easily. it always does. obi-wan always seems to smile without thought or fear. he smiles in battle, he smiles in the face of the dark, he smiles throughout his life. he smiles because he is always facing the light.

as qui-gon once said, "even if there will never be more light than darkness. even if there can be no more joy in the galaxy than there is pain. for every action we undertake, for every word we speak, for every life we touch . . . it matters.

I don't turn to the light because it'll mean I 'win' some cosmic game. I turn to it because it is the light." ]

Living is the greatest victory there is. And with every step I take, I am not alone.

The Force is with me. It is with all of us. Always.

[Some people might misinterpret the smile as a mask. But the grief woven between them still lingers like the earthy scent of freshly-fallen rain. Vyng is reminded of a sunshower refracting and dispersing light to form a rainbow — inspiring, a symbol of hope for many, but natural all the same — and smiles more fully himself.]

You stay spiritually connected to the people around you. Even when you hurt.

[Vyng's palm, marked with fractal patterns resembling intricate lightning scars, rests comfortably against Obi-Wan's]

You wouldn't trade that hurt for anything.

[Because doing that would mean living a life without love. And without love, how can you ever be free?]

No, I would not.

[ he meant what he said to maul. only the weak embrace the dark. it is the easy way, paved with both good and bad intentions. it siphons the hurts to turn them into anger and rage. people often think that the jedi warn of anger because of the dark.

but that is not how the adage goes. it is not the dark side. it is the suffering that follows.

obi-wan twines their fingers together, the pads of his fingers idly brushing against lightning veins. ]

[Vyng said something similar to Tuck, once, during those initial months without Billie. It was difficult for his best friend to hear. ("Why not?! This place fucking sucks!")

He didn't blame him. Hurting does suck. Hurting is also life. What matters is how they choose to live with that hurt.

He's no paragon of tranquil detachment, obviously. He doesn't pretend to be. Self-medicating and avoiding the hell out of his problems are natural tendencies for him if he's not careful. But that's okay too. Invariably, Vyng works to grow and accept what he can't change. And then he simply focuses on the rest.

"I haven't felt spiritually connected to another person in a long, long time," he admitted to Obi-wan last year. "I'm not there yet."

Vyng draws in a quiet breath.]

You know what?

[He locks eyes with him. Unwavering.]

I wouldn't either.

[ there is a song in the force. a living sound that swells up in all of them, leading them, guiding them. it doesn't make their choices, but it remains in their bones, a presence that cannot be denied.

but even beyond the philosophy of the force, this is how people are meant to connect. with words said and unsaid, drawing strength from each other. ]

Does that help?

Seeing things from a different point of view always helps.

[Perspective. Understanding. Connection. He may not be a shapechanger anymore, but Vyng still leaves enough space in his heart for others to change him. It's one of the few things about himself he can say with any sort of certainty.]

That's what I often say. The perspective shifts from a certain point of view.

Yeah. That's...something I miss about shapeshifting into creatures, if I'm being honest.

[Vyng's admission is soft. Wistful. Not something he vocalizes often. Since Obi-Wan was vulnerable, it only feels right to offer a little of himself too.]

I'm finding other ways to adapt, though.

[His calloused thumb slowly runs across his friend's knuckle.]

[ he hums lightly. ]

What sort of ways?

More listening to the world around me, I guess. Serving creatures' needs. Studying them for the joy of it. Not wondering how they could be useful to me or my friends.

[People in his old world called him the Spiritwalker because of his unique ability to traverse the Spirit World. Of course, that means nothing here. But even if it did, Vyng still gets to decide what that title means to him. In Trench, he likes to believe the Spiritwalker is someone who walks alongside other creatures — as their support, their friend, and a bridge between worlds.]

Elemental stuff, too. [With his free hand, he idly traces along the rim of his glass. Fern frost curls around the top of the flare, like ice on the window of a cozy house.] If I can literally turn the tides by calling on them, then...living things won't need to fight my battles for me, you know? I can just keep serving them instead.

[ service is a jedi's primary function. it doesn't mean they are doormats but that is their calling. to serve. people often dismiss such a thing, but it's meaningful. obi-wan treats his moments of service much higher than he would treat a battle or a victory. ]

Have you been doing much of that here as well?

As best I can. I don't really advertise my services. Just kinda run into problems that need fixing and go from there. Usually with mixed results, hahah...

[He could tell everybody he speaks to plants and help things grow, for example. But then people would be asking him to make flowers and trees grow because it's what they want to see, not necessarily because things want to grow here. And that's not really Vyng's way.]

There's plenty more I could be doing, I'm sure. If I could offer myself up to the land — commune with it on a spiritual level — then maybe that could open more doors. But it's kind of like approaching Illum. An unsettled heart makes it difficult.

[He still hasn't resolved things with the ghastly creature from his memories, in other words. But Vyng doesn't let it weigh him down. Not tonight. Tonight, he wears a crooked smile and calmly observes the glass's intricate ice patterns melt as he speaks.]

[ he shakes his head. ]

I don't think it's about what you could be doing. But where you feel your path is leading you to.

True. Sometimes you've gotta be like a leaf. Just letting your expectations go, and seeing where the wind takes you instead.

[Some might argue Vyng goes with the flow a little too much. But it can serve a person well. Like deescalating a fight by going limp like a possum. Or simply shapeshifting into a sick skate ramp right before your friend's luggage cart plows into you.]

[ hmm. obi-wan hums. ]

Yes. But be careful as to not let yourself get blown away.

Getting blown isn't such a bad thing. It depends on who you ask.

[How Vyng says that with a straight face is anybody's guess. And yet he very serenely punctuates his words with a slow sip from his straw, before adding:]

Purpose is what gives me direction. The rest works itself out.

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