If you get a feeling next time you see me, do me a favor and let me know - SEMI-CLOSED

[chickenchoicejudy]

Who: Ryan Akagi [chickenchoicejudy] and Close CR, with open prompts to be added when the event goes live.
What: Ryan is having a pretty hard time with the paleblood effects this month. Body of the post is a general summary of where he's at, and starters will be in comments.
When: All of March
Where: Various locations - likely haunts are Cellar Door, Crenshaw (specifically Mouse House or Min-Gi's place), and the boardwalk. Event locations to be added later!

Content Warnings: Severe hallucinations, severe face blindness, corruption, unintentional self harm (scratching).



It started mild enough - with mushrooms of all things. Nothing to actually worry anyone about.

At first he hadn't even realized they weren't real. There's plant life growing in abundance all over Trench and it made perfect sense for mushrooms to be one of those things. It wouldn't have even been the first time mysterious mushrooms popped up out of nowhere. Ryan leaves them be and barely thinks about it.

Then they start growing out of people. That's when it becomes apparent that...no one else can see them. He's moved to gently tug them off of people only to realize he can't grip them. His hand slips through and they vanish.

And that's...concerning. But it could be worse?

And about a week into the month, it absolutely gets worse. He starts having trouble recognizing people. People he's known for ages now catch him in the street and he can't make his brain put together the shapes of their faces into something he recognizes. Mushrooms obscure other features that might make identifying them easier - hair, clothing, frequently worn accessories. Any time he starts to focus on something, mushrooms start to sprout and block his view.

He makes excuses. He spends more time on the network because he craves interaction but it's less stressful that way. He texts people more frequently, even when he would normally see them in person. Even if they're literally nearby he might text them, just to make sure. Just to watch a faceless someone react when their Omni dings.

Sometimes he catches himself in the mirror and doesn't recognize who looks back at him, which is a problem he's never had before. He doesn't want to talk about it, because it feels absolutely insane to try and explain it to anyone, but also because he's lost any and all ability to recognize people by that point. Who would he even tell? But, it's also become impossible to hide. Not when there's no recognition in his eyes when someone says hello to him. Not when he texts someone several times to ask where they are, including when he's standing right next to them.

He's in a sea of strangers, and it's disorienting. It's even a little scary, particularly in public. He's losing his grip and it's slipping further and further from him, but maybe if he like, tried harder? This is a stupid problem he's having. A stupid dumb problem that he should be able to just...get over and walk off.

The mushrooms even grow on him sometimes. At his worst, small fluorescent green ones will sprout out of his right palm in the shape of a 202 and he'll scratch at it desperately, leaving harsh red marks behind. Even places will start to look unfamiliar, as the confusion only gets worse and worse as the month goes on.

[ooc: Top Levels coming soon, open top levels coming when the event goes live. Hit me up at goodhotcocoa if you want something in particular!]

Comments

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan's still giggling and for a second, everything is normal. He just has has his eyes shut because he's laughing so hard, that's all. Everything is fine.]

Sounds like a challenge to me! We could be, I dunno, Squid Selection Trudy?

[He's still kidding, obviously. It doesn't have a good ring at all, and cephalopod is a ridiculous word to put in every song.

But okay, okay. No more jokes, actual helping now that he's slowly feeling like he has a brain again.]

Hm...what if we reverse it? Like maybe--

Oh, I can't make you a god, and I can't give you a city,
but will you stay for eternity?

...Something like that?

[dialscientist]

[Squid Selection Trudy sounds like a bargain basement rip off, he thinks, but they've moved on by the time he's done laughing so it stays in the ether between them.

Besides, the lyric switch has his attention.]

That's perfect, Ryan. You really have gotten good at this.

[And so we recap. As he does, he tugs a little for Ryan to come and cuddle. If he wants. If the tug is denied he'll back down.]

Wake up in a city made of moonlight and stone
These cobbled streets will bring us to a place we’re not alone
It’s a litany for Antinous the lover but this isn’t Rome and I’d never let you drown
No, I’ll never let you drown

Oh, I can't make you a god, and I can't give you a city
but will you stay for eternity?

[Hmm hmm, he's off script, now. Where to go next. Gateways, doorways.. eternity]

Hold my hand, and we'll jump with both feet
The water's deep but with you it's sweet
I'll take you out to Doorway, in the silver gleam
I'll swear under the weeping cherry this is not a dream

Oh, I can't make you a god, and I can't give you a city
but will you stay for eternity?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Yes. A thousand times yes.

He flushes a little at the compliment though - Min's still a million times better at lyrics than he is. He always digs so deep for them, and Ryan just knows how to rhyme and sing about the familiar.]

I guess I've had time to practice? It's about time I got on your level.

[The thought of making these promises before Doorway is extremely intimidating, but that just makes them more powerful. He hums a little and decides to try a bridge.]

I can give you my heart, give you my soul
Just reach down and pull me up out of this hole
I'm losing my mind and I'm losing control
And every small thing is taking its toll--

[He had just letting it flow out, stream of consciousness style, but he seems to realize that he's dipped a little deeper than usual and stumbles on the end.]

--But you won't let me drown.
...No, you'll never let me drown.

[A pause, and then an awkward laugh.]

I don't know if any of this works. I'm just trying stuff.

[dialscientist]

[Min listens as Ryan takes the wheel, reaching for the little notebook he always seems to carry in his back pocket, and scribbling down everything he's added and everything Ryan adds on after. This is really starting to take some kind of actual shape.

Right up until the end where Ryan seems to become aware of himself and punts the ball back over at Min-Gi hard enough to hurt.

Consider, also, while this is occurring, Min is still trying to tempt Ryan into his arms. Blind. So it's a lot of wrangling and writing and shifting around on the couch to make it happen at the same time. Some elbows were probably involved. There was definitely a sharp hiss at one point. But it's all fine in the end. Probably.]

No, no no I liked that. That was good. What was the end? Taking it's toll?

[Ignoring the panicked stretch back to the first verse. He knows they can do better. Seeing the words on paper gives the opportunity to really reflect on the unedited babble. It's deep. It's really deep. And relatable. And raw. It's really good stuff in the way Good Stuff can twist into your gut and make a bed for it'self whether you want it to or not.

Then, playful,]

Are you reading my mind again?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[It's really hard to maneuver into Min's arms when he's trying to keep his eyes shut, but even with all of his hesitations he curls himself into that familiar space. He tenses when Min clarifies the lyrics and surely Min can feel the bundle of nerves in him, gripping his heart.]

Yeah. ...Something like that. I don't like it though. Too much of a bummer.

[There's a soft buzzing in his head that Min will be able to hear now that they're this close. He's holding back - letting himself go into that unfiltered creative space is harder when he knows Min can feel the emotions that come with it.

It isn't all bad though. He's able to laugh when Min teases him. They both know he's not reading his thoughts, but it's a joke between them now that will never die and he's just as playful in answering.]

Nooooo, I'm not...

[He's laying with Min's arm draped over him, hugging it like it's a stuffed animal. Everything feels like so much, but without identifying the actual things he's feeling it's just...an overwhelming shadow inside him.

When his voice finally comes out, it's small. A tiny fraction of what he's mulling over.]

...You really think we should cancel?

[Since his eyes have been shut, he didn't see that Min already texted Wu. God, he doesn't want to cancel, but...it doesn't really sound like there's any avoiding it anymore.]

[dialscientist]

Yeah.. I think we really should. I'll text him now.

[Saves him a little drama of having already done it. Wu's responses seem..crazy positive, actually. Min-Gi isn't sure he has the brain span to take it apart. All he can do is focus on Ryan.

He even leaves the lyrics, though they'll be mulling around in the back of his head for a while. An interesting but extremely relatable snapshot into Ryan's perspective.

Omni set back down next to them, he smooths his fingers through Ryan's hair. They find themselves in this position a lot, especially dealing with difficult, painful topics. It's a bit more comfortable than crying in a bathtub or a mega maze, have to admit.]

Weird blood stuff is usually connected to the month, right?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan sighs, but...he doesn't move to stop him.]

Okay.

[His voice sounds distant to himself, completely empty. He hates this so much, more than words can even say. He doesn't want to be too sick in the head to play. He wants to get out under the stage lights and forget every problem he's ever had - doing the thing he loves with the person he loves.

Thankfully, he still has one out of the two. Min combs his fingers through Ryan's hair, and Ryan hugs his arm a little closer. It feels good and soothing, though...he can't help but wish he wasn't the one who always seemed to need this kind of comfort.]

Yeah. ...Yeah, they said that at the Archives, I think. So...it'll go away?

[He doesn't mean for it to sound so much like a question. It just sort of slips out that way.]

[dialscientist]

[Okay good, his desperation isn't making him misremember.]

Exactly. We'll just- get through this and it'll be fine.

[And who knows, next month it might be him curled up in a heap losing his mind.

Probably will be.

One more thing to be useless about. He can't help Ryan, he doesn't know how to fight, he has no helpful powers that he's aware of, and he can count the useful things he knows about Trench on one hand. What's even the point of him?]

It'll go away. It has to.

[chickenchoicejudy]

Yeah. It has to.

[It's an echo of Min, and not much more than that. It has to. It has to go away, because he can't imagine this being forever.

There's a pit in his stomach, but he's glad that Min is here. Min won't let him drown.]

...Sorry. Like-- we just found our footing here, and now I'm losing my mind? Seriously?

[He can't make himself say it but it slips through to Min's mind anyway -"I should have said something when it started getting ẁ̢͞͝o̷͢r̸̸̷̨̧s̢͘͝e̕͜͞͝҉."

Carefully (and still blindly) he turns so he can curl against Min even more, burying his face into his shirt.]

This fucking sucks.

[It's followed by a couple more vague buzzes of static. í́̀͡͝t̛̀́͜͜'̴̶̶̢s͏̡̨ ̶̶̨͝m̴̴̴̧̕ý̶ ̶͘f̡́͟͡ą̵͜u̴҉͘ļ̢͜t̶̕͜ ì̶͘t͞'͟͡͡s̨̛̀͘͢ ̡̀͞͞m̸̨͏̵́ý͝ ̡̀f́͟҉a̡̢҉u̵̵͞l͜͠t̡҉͝͝]

[dialscientist]

Yeah, it does. It blows, man.

[There's no point in denying it. What he can deny, and he thinks this is an opportunity to do so without confessing that he's listening to Ryan's garbled projections, is who the blame lies with.

Min-Gi takes his hand out of Ryan's hair for a moment to play with the tassels on his jacket. Whap-whap-whap-whap-whap! It's fun. This is a great jacket. He's sure it's a girl's one but he won't say anything and possibly embarrass him. What does it really matter, anyway?]

It's not your fault, though. If this is a blood thing then it's happening to all palebloods. You didn't know this was the deal, it's not like anyone gave us a handbook. Beware the ides of March, move over Caesar, it's mushroom season."

[chickenchoicejudy]

[It's an extremely good jacket. When he first came in, he showed it off by twisting at the hip a few times to make the tassels whap-whap-whap! It's also certainly a feminine cut jacket that nips in at the waist, but it fits Ryan like a glove.

The joke takes Ryan by surprise, and he actually laughs a little. He hasn't thought about the ides of march since world history back in high school.]

Beware the ides of mushrooms?

[That doesn't make grammatical sense, but it sounds kind of neat. Still, once that's out of his system his shoulders fall again. It might be happening to all the palebloods, but...]

...Wu seemed like he's been doing okay? I mean-- not that I want him to be as much of a wreck as me, but...

["What if there's something w͟r҉͟o͘͟͟ń̶̛̀̕ǵ̡́͟͠ ͟͝͏̧w͜į͢͞t͡͞҉́͝h̵̡ ̛͘͢m͘͡͠e̸͢͡?̀̕͝"

He isn't reading Min's mind this time either - he just spends a lot of time with Wu and Wu didn't seem to struggle this much. Honestly, he hasn't noticed anyone who visibly seemed to suck at this as much as he does. Is he just bad at hiding it? Is everyone else able to figure out what's real and who's who with ease?]

[dialscientist]

Wu seems like he's just.. I dunno, man. Super okay with everything?

[He abandons the tassels for Ryan's hair, again. The cogs are whirling in his head. He.. almost hates to bring this up but also.. it can't exactly be avoided for the sake of his point.]

I could be totally off base, but he's like, soul bonded to Mako now, and Mako isn't having hallucinations so that's probably keeping him on the right track.

[By contrast, Ryan and Min-Gi in their combined current states would be a bad acid trip.]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, I just think Wu has it easy.

[A small shift as he checks his Omni again. The unmissable little pulses of haptic feedback as he types something one handed.]

He's gonna come by tomorrow, I think. He's been in this longer, he might know a trick we don't.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[He wants to protest and remind Min that he and Wu arrived on the same day and that they're on equal footing in terms of knowledge about this world. Sure, Mako and Wu were in that dream world beforehand, but it didn't strike Ryan as much different from saying he and Min were on the Wormhole Judgement Line. They had both come from unusual circumstances and were learning about this city together.

But, he's tired. And he's feeling shitty, and he's pretty sure he is shitty for wanting to nitpick this when Min's trying this hard to help.

So he doesn't say anything at all and a visible patch of greenish-brown curls around his shoulder, as if it can hold him as gently as Min can. He tries to laugh, but it's quiet and tired - a lame attempt to make things okay.]

Reading my mind again?

[He has to be, if he's calling out that thought so specifically. Ryan can't even be mad though - it's not like it's hard when his stupid powers are the way they are.]

I...guess that makes sense. They can hear each other's thoughts now, so...yeah. Wu could probably find Mako anywhere. But, um. Yeah. ...Maybe he knows something we don't.

[Maybe.

Or maybe Wu's going to come over and Ryan's just going to make him sad because he's too f̷̸̡̨͘u̷c̷̨̕͢͞k҉̨̛e̷̕d́͜͠҉ ̴̧̛u͏̸̸p̡͜͠͠ from blood effects to play.]

[dialscientist]

[All you had to do Ryan, all you had to do is tell Min-Gi that you both came here at the same time. That's all. That's literally all.

But no. That would be too easy.

Min sees the curl of brown spread across Ryan's back and his stomach knots, then drops.

What did he do wrong? What did he say? Wu? Was that a bad move? Does Ryan not want him to come over? He didn't say... but... when does Ryan say?

A beat. He swallows, heart sinking. It's like every time he tries to help he just makes it worse.]

He doesn't have to. I can tell him to buzz off.

We could just go to bed and start over tomorrow?

[Not that he things Ryan... necessarily would want to stay. Apparently he's wrecking this as fast as he can.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[It wouldn't have even been a big deal. It would have just been a minor correction, maybe a suggestion that he doesn't want to be treated as though he knows less than everyone else despite being here just as long.

But there's a static in his brain that makes it feel like an impossible conversation. He just...couldn't do it.

He shakes his head into Min-Gi's shirt.]

No, you don't have to do that. I-- it's not that I don't want him to? I just...

[He takes a deep breath. There's still more greenish-brown in his aura than there was before, but a small amount recedes.

(Talking helps.)]

He's going to worry. But he'll worry more if I cancel, so... Path of least worrying is having him over?

[Wow, he's pretty sure that's not reassuring at all. So, he follows it up more seriously:]

...I can handle it. We can.

[Because he'll handle it better with Min to take cues from, Min to smooth things over if he loses track of what's going on and who's in the room with him. It will be alright because Min's there.

It's well into when their show would have started, which means it's almost absurdly early for them to go to bed. A little early for Min, and ridiculously early for Ryan. Despite that, Ryan is bone tired. He's been hanging on by a thread and he's beat - honestly he probably could sleep for a solid twelve hours right about now, even if it's not what his new nocturnal body clock thinks is a normal time to sleep.

But Min suggested it, so maybe he won't overthink it. Maybe they can just start over tomorrow.]

...Yeah. Yeah, bed sounds good.

[Despite that, he just sort of snuggles against Min. They'll be sore if they sleep like this but ugh, he doesn't want to get up.]

[dialscientist]

[Relief falls like dominoes, one little tile at a time. The newest poison drops back just enough to be noticed and while Min doesn't exactly know why, he's glad it does.

Which is weird because all he's doing is making things worse but... small mercies, maybe.

Together. They. We.

Yeah.. okay. That's good.]

Okay. Are you hungry? We could do like.. breakfast for dinner and then bed? Dinner in bed? Do you really wanna stay?

[chickenchoicejudy]

Yeah, man. Of course I wanna stay.

[Despite the whirlwind of emotions he's had over this and the fact that he barely recognizes Min with all the stupid mushrooms, he's still comforted just being around him. He would rather trust that Min is nearby, even if he isn't sure, than be alone right now.

Ryan's appetite is famously garbage when he's upset. It's often one of the first things to go, and he's been known to skip food for days or just flat out forget about it when something's wrong in his world. He just gets nauseous, and then not eating makes him more nauseous and it just goes in a cycle until he can't possibly put it off any more.]

I'm not hungry.

[The full range of options hits him after he says that though, and Ryan actually reconsiders.]

...Dinner in bed sounds kind of fun though?

[dialscientist]

[It felt like a long shot but he thought he would try anyway.

The first rebuttal isn't a surprise, but the reconsideration is, and Min smiles to himself.

This all feels a bit weird against what's just happened. Against his insides feeling so convinced that this is all nosediving harder and faster than ever. And yet somehow it isn't? Somehow the words coming out of his mouth now are getting good reactions? Is he nailing this or messing up catastrophically, what is happening.

Nevertheless: he (cautiously) continues.]

I've got flour. And some eggs from that wedding we played. And a little bit of butter. Annnnnnd a tiiiiiiny bit of chocolate..

[You see where he's going, here? Think breakfast, not trauma.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[He can't help it. His brain isn't great at the moment, but he at least spins it into a gentle joke.]

So...brownies for dinner?

[They can joke about it, tiny things that only have meaning to the two of them. Only they know why it's funny.]

I'm kidding, I promise.

[He can't make himself kiss a face full of mushrooms, but he reaches up for Min's hand and takes it, so he can kiss the back of it gently. He loves Min, he loves him so much and he's so sorry he's been so weird.]

...Pancakes?

[dialscientist]

[He knew Ryan would say brownies. He knew it. It's kind of a relief that he did, and he chuckles, but no. No brownies for dinner.

Maybe tomorrow, though. He could scrape together some of the weekly budget that he's made and get some more chocolate. Make some brownies. Maybe lift Ryan's spirits a little bit if it doesn't put him in train trauma.

Who is he kidding, with his luck it would probably make train trauma.

Can't even bake right, damn.

Which is what's rolling around in the back of his head as he forces a half smile and drags his nails over Ryan's scalp.]

Bingo. And, special offer, one time only, you have the choice of Mickey Mouse or hearts and stars.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[There's no way it's one time only, but Ryan plays along and pretends he has to think about it, even though he knew his answer instantly.]

Definitely hearts and stars.

[He doesn't have a good way to articulate it, but it feels like them. Rising stars in a loving relationship.

It doesn't make everything go away, but it all helps bit by bit. Even though the green-brown patches are still there, the red shines more like it normally does.]

Gotta say, it's really sweet you're risking maple syrup in your bed just for me.

[Mrs. Park would be horrified at the thought, probably.]

[dialscientist]

[Oh she would, absolutely be horrified. Food in the bed? Are you sick? Dying? You better be dying if you’re eating in the bed. Maple syrup would be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Wait a second- ]

Is there maple syrup here??

[Genuine question. He sure doesn’t have any but man… that really would make this whole concept work.

Will it still be any good without? Is this doomed before he even tries? He doesn’t want to make bad pancakes without syrup. ]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Now that Ryan is starting to feel a little tiny bit better, he can feel anxiety creeping in Min-Gi, and he frowns. Why couldn't he feel that a minute ago? Is it really just about maple syrup?

Either way, it helps Ryan know which way to spin his answer.]

By Canadian standards? No, totally not. We're better off without it.

[There's syrup around, but it's not good authentic Canadian stuff so it's fine that they don't have it. It's whatever, they're above it.

It's...actually a white lie though. He's had the maple syrup around here before and it's really not that bad at all. But he also doesn't want Min to be feeling like shit just because he doesn't have maple syrup, of all things. Besides, then when Min inevitably finds the good maple syrup they can just be excited he found something that reminds them of home and everyone wins.]

[dialscientist]

Mm.. okay..

[He isn't convinced but fine. Your noble sacrifice goes unappreciated for now, Ryan.

Eventually he'll get up and make dinner for them. Hearts and stars little pancakes that spell out Ryan's name. Things he learned at Dumpty's for the kids and thought were super lame until suddenly they've become useful just this moment.

It might be a nice night after all. Put them in bed and eat, side by side or back to back instead of facing, then tug Ryan in against him back to chest, crumbs and all.]

(just a few days after that)

[chickenchoicejudy]

[It's been a never-ending roller coaster and Ryan would like to get off now.

He's at Min's place right now, and he's...alone. Min had to go somewhere and Ryan can't really remember where exactly but Ryan had to stay behind. Min didn't say why, but the implication was pretty clear to Ryan - he was too sick to go. Too out of his mind, too off his rocker, too fucked up.

And he can't even say Min's wrong. But he wasn't supposed to be gone long. How long has it been...?

(The kitchen clock is covered in mushrooms, so Ryan decides it doesn't matter how long it's been.)

This wasn't a good idea. He said he'd be fine (He's fine. He's fine. H̡̡̢́͟e͏̧'̢͡ś̛͟͟ ҉̷f̴̢͝i̸̴͜n̢̕e̡̡̛͜͝.̵̴̷) but being alone makes him feel melancholy even under normal circumstances. It reminds him of that shitty apartment he stayed in for months. It reminds him of his dad's van! His dad's van! There would be mushrooms all over both of those places for sure.

It reminds him of a lot of things he doesn't want to think about. Like how when he caught sight of himself in a mirror this morning there were little neon green mushrooms sprouting out of his hair.

He should have pushed harder to go, but Min had seemed pretty sure he should stay and he's already being enough of a burden as it is. It's even spreading to Wu, which means it's spreading to Mako. There's no way Shiro hasn't figured it out too. Fuck, the whole city probably knows since they had to cancel their show.

It's a dark thought, but he kind of hopes anyone who had planned on seeing them isn't thinking about it much. He's suffocating from the weight of everyone's concern, and even though he hasn't been able to feel it as strongly as he usually does he knows it's there. Even Tomo has been trailing at his heels as he paces from room to room, and he kind of hates it.

But that's even more fucked up than the mushrooms, isn't it? That he's freaked out about people worrying about him? They're just trying to take care of him because apparently he can't take care of himself because he's a͘͠n̶͢͟͡ ͘͡U͢͝͠N̨̧̛͢Ǵ͠҉҉R̸̵̡̕͝A̴͟T̷̴̕҉E͏̴̧͜F͝͏̵̡̀U̶̶͘͘͡L̸͘͟͞ ͘҉̀͜p̷̀i̵̧e̛c͢e̷͜͟͏ ̴̵̢̨͜ǫ̷̴̨͝f̧͟͡ ͏̵̢S̀͏H̢̕ÍT̛̛͜͡͞ ͏̨p̨̀͞e̡̨̨͘r̢̀ś̷̡́̕ò̶̧n̴̷̢̧.̴͡͡

He slumps onto one of the couches and shuts his eyes. Fuck, he's tired. Maybe it's good he's here alone. Tomo whines and lays across Ryan's lap, and he idly pets them. Maybe he can just sit here and chill the fuck out until Min comes back.

Everything freezes when he opens his eyes again. There's a green glow below him that's all too familiar, and his stomach turns when he looks down at his right palm.

202, spelled out in bioluminescent green mushrooms.]

...No. No, no, no, no, nonono--!

[He desperately rubs at his palm, as if that would ever make it go away, but before he can even finish processing one thing, Tomo squeaks to call his attention to the window.

Someone is coming up the walkway. Someone--

He can't f̨̕͜͞ù̷c̸͘͢͠k̴ì̷́͡n̡g͘͞ ̨̛̀͞d͘͘͞ó̕̕ ̸̸̴̛͡t̸̡͢h̴̡͟i͘͘͏s̴̷̕ so he does the only thing he can think to do in his panic. He locks the door and does every single deadbolt and slides down onto the floor to listen.

Maybe if he can stay quiet and they can't get in they'll just...go away for now, until he can get his shit together.]