deercountry | If I turn into another

Who: Usagi Tsukino, people who are bonded with her, and potentially you
What: Usagi is having a mini-meltdown about the Eternal Night
When: First half of April
Where: Usagi's house and then some parts of Cellar Door and Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Past mentions of violence, murder, emotional trauma, past mentions of attempts at genocide

A. Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me [Closed to those bonded to her]

When it was April 1st and the sun didn't initially rise, Usagi was uneasy but not worried. This was just Trench being its weird Trenchie self.

When the second day came and the sun still had not risen, slowly the memories began to come, unbidden, unyielding, unforgiving and she forced them back and away. It would be okay.

When the third day of it came?

Usagi realized that April might be the new October, and the image of herself, giggling, laughing, bleeding from her crescent moon as she hugged her friends and then killed them, as she went mad and tried to kill everyone, literally, everyone, until Rei ran a sword through her chest-

She panicked.

She locked herself in her room and refused to come out. She locked her windows and closed the blinds as she sat in the corner of her room, knees hugged to her chest.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay!

She tried to reassure herself.

You won't turn into her, you won't turn into her, you won't turn into her!

She began to shake, trembling and feeling her eyes well up with tears as she hid her face in her knees.

If she stayed right there no one would be hurt, she wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would die.

It was only the third day, it would be okay, it would be fine. She would just stay in here, she wouldn't leave.

Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears and it was hard to breathe, harder to breath.

No, she begged. Please no.

Please, please, please, please.

She can't, not again, not that again. Not her. Not her.

Her margay, Lua, let out soft chirps of concern, trying to nuzzle Usagi's hand to help her feel better, but Usagi didn't even feel it, didn't even notice. Her whole body is trembling and she hugs her knees tighter to her chest and swallows down every sob so no one in the house can hear her.

Unfortunately, Usagi had forgotten that the bonds she had formed were telegraphing everything.

B. Sing this song [Her house - Later in the week]

It was later in the week when Usagi was finally convinced to at least leave her room even if she couldn't be convinced to leave the house. She's jumpy, skittish like an actual rabbit. Every other moment she seems to be looking out the windows only to decide she doesn't want to see, she shuts the curtains of whatever room she's in, and if she's in a room that doesn't have them, she leaves it. The full moon and the endless night is making her blood sing in her body and she immediately hates it when usually such a thing is a comfort because it's her connection to the moon.

So when she hears the doorbell or a knock she practically jumps over the course of her self-induced imprisonment, sometimes even dropping what she's holding and it smashes on the floor or spills all over. She heads over to the door, not opening it. She'll have to clean up the mess in a moment. Her hands are trembling and to stop that, she rests them against the wood of the door.

"W-Who is it?" she calls out. "What do you want?" she tries to hide the fear in her voice but can't.

C. Remind me that we'll always have each other [Around Cellar Door and Willful Machine - Second week of April]

It took constant reassurance, but Usagi has been convinced to at least leave the house for short trips... if only to give her poor kitchenware a break from being broken all the time, or from just breaking something in general in her panic.

After all, as some had pointed out, food was not scarce, no wall of corpses every twelfth hour, people weren't turning into monsters left and right, the water wasn't turned into blood or plants into ash. She was able to sleep a full night's rest without concern, she wasn't sleepwalking, there was a whole list of reasons why this was different. And she was under the moon, not those eyes.

As she walked through Willful Machine, she can softly be heard muttering 'it's okay, it's okay,' as she walks, her hands shaking as she checks again and again at the grocery list and supply list Makoto had written and all the things she was carrying for trade. She was pretty sure she'd need to find a way to make up for breaking Makoto's favorite mixing bowl that had had pink roses painted on it.

She still felt bad about that one.

She would tend to walk from Willful Machine back to her home in Cellar Door. So wound up as she was too focused on just getting home or trying not to have a panic attack in public. So she wouldn't always pay attention...

And would then smack into someone else because she keeping her head down and attention on her groceries. In her surprise, she dropped everything everywhere on the ground. She winced as she heard something shatter... again.

"I-I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there," she was quick to crouch down to pick everything up. "Are you hurt?"

D. When everything else is gone [WILDCARD]
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"I am at home. It's safest for everyone if I am."

Because she wasn't sure this place had a prison for her to temporarily put herself in, and if she did, Makoto, Minako, Atsushi, and... everyone really, would think it's too extreme.

"I'm not safe."

"Alright." Great, that means he doesn't have to go searching the city for her. He hops through a lamp friend and heads towards her house. It won't take very long for him to be stepping up onto the porch.

"Even if you aren't, that's okay," he says firmly. "Even if you're the most dangerous person in this whole dang world you're still family to me. That means being there for you when you're having a rough time."

Fern doesn't get a response. Because Usagi wants to shut the world out. She doesn't want to let anyone in or herself out.

Because that's just it, she wants to tell him as she gets his message, she honestly COULD be one of the most dangerous people in this whole world soon enough. She didn't have her powers going bonkers as they did in Deerington. She could hurt him.

She very well may hurt him.

And she couldn't, she refused to let that happen.

If he knocks, no one is going to answer, mostly because Usagi is locked in her room and intends to stay there...

But Fern would have absolutely been told where the spare key was hidden and how it was in the tiny little compartment underneath one of Makoto's flower pots at some point. And no one is going to stop him from using it.

He does indeed knock, because it's the polite thing to do. Of course, when he doesn't get an answer he barges in anyways, because he's still a teenage boy who was raised by an irresponsible dog brother.

It doesn't matter if she could hurt him, that she may very well do so right now. It doesn't matter that she's easily one of the most dangerous people in the entire city, she's hurting and he needs to do whatever he can to help her.

It takes him a minute to hunt down the spare key and head inside, but once he does he heads straight up to her bedroom. He isn't sure if it's locked either, but he'll try knocking first before just walking straight in. "You in there?"

"I SAID DON'T COME!" she sobbed out, suddenly scared of hurting Fern, of destroying him. It wouldn't take much, and then he would hate her, and Varian would hate her.

And she doesn't want to lose either of them. She doesn't want to hurt her knight and her brother.

"Just go," she sobbed out. "Please just go."

Please don't get hurt by me.

Please don't let me hurt you.

I'm fine. It's fine.

So long as you stay away you're safe.

Please just listen and stay away.

Stay safe.

She curled up tighter in her corner.

Fern winces, at both her exclamation and the feelings reaching him through their bond. Foreign thoughts and feelings in his head are still something that can throw him off-balance sometimes and he hates it, but it isn't enough to make him give up. He takes a few moments to focus, before reaching for the doorknob and turning it.

But he doesn't open the door. Not quite yet.

"I can't," he replies, a little shakily. "I'm real sorry, but I can't just... leave you like this. You need someone, and I'm not gonna abandon family." He won't be like Martin. "I know you're scared but if you can't trust yourself, then trust me, okay?"

She doesn't open the door, but her margay, Lua does. She looks up when the door is opened. When Fern comes in, all the lights are off and the blinds closed, curtains pulled. But you would never know that the lights were off because Usagi's skin was glowing from head to toe. She was curled up in a corner, her knees drawn to her chest.

Lua, being a part of Usagi, an aspect of her, knew that Usagi didn't really want to be alone.

Oh, geez. Fern is pretty sure that, given everything, the glowing isn't a good sign. He glances down at Lua, worried, before cautiously stepping closer to Usagi.

"You... really look like you need a hug," he says, stopping in front of her and crouching down.

She tightens her grip on her arms and shook her head, even if inwardly she absolutely wanted one. She was terrified she would snap and suddenly destroy him as soon as he came close.

She moved her hands to wrap around her ears and head, shaking.

If I turn into another

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