deercountry | If I turn into another

Who: Usagi Tsukino, people who are bonded with her, and potentially you
What: Usagi is having a mini-meltdown about the Eternal Night
When: First half of April
Where: Usagi's house and then some parts of Cellar Door and Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Past mentions of violence, murder, emotional trauma, past mentions of attempts at genocide

A. Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me [Closed to those bonded to her]

When it was April 1st and the sun didn't initially rise, Usagi was uneasy but not worried. This was just Trench being its weird Trenchie self.

When the second day came and the sun still had not risen, slowly the memories began to come, unbidden, unyielding, unforgiving and she forced them back and away. It would be okay.

When the third day of it came?

Usagi realized that April might be the new October, and the image of herself, giggling, laughing, bleeding from her crescent moon as she hugged her friends and then killed them, as she went mad and tried to kill everyone, literally, everyone, until Rei ran a sword through her chest-

She panicked.

She locked herself in her room and refused to come out. She locked her windows and closed the blinds as she sat in the corner of her room, knees hugged to her chest.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay!

She tried to reassure herself.

You won't turn into her, you won't turn into her, you won't turn into her!

She began to shake, trembling and feeling her eyes well up with tears as she hid her face in her knees.

If she stayed right there no one would be hurt, she wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would die.

It was only the third day, it would be okay, it would be fine. She would just stay in here, she wouldn't leave.

Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears and it was hard to breathe, harder to breath.

No, she begged. Please no.

Please, please, please, please.

She can't, not again, not that again. Not her. Not her.

Her margay, Lua, let out soft chirps of concern, trying to nuzzle Usagi's hand to help her feel better, but Usagi didn't even feel it, didn't even notice. Her whole body is trembling and she hugs her knees tighter to her chest and swallows down every sob so no one in the house can hear her.

Unfortunately, Usagi had forgotten that the bonds she had formed were telegraphing everything.

B. Sing this song [Her house - Later in the week]

It was later in the week when Usagi was finally convinced to at least leave her room even if she couldn't be convinced to leave the house. She's jumpy, skittish like an actual rabbit. Every other moment she seems to be looking out the windows only to decide she doesn't want to see, she shuts the curtains of whatever room she's in, and if she's in a room that doesn't have them, she leaves it. The full moon and the endless night is making her blood sing in her body and she immediately hates it when usually such a thing is a comfort because it's her connection to the moon.

So when she hears the doorbell or a knock she practically jumps over the course of her self-induced imprisonment, sometimes even dropping what she's holding and it smashes on the floor or spills all over. She heads over to the door, not opening it. She'll have to clean up the mess in a moment. Her hands are trembling and to stop that, she rests them against the wood of the door.

"W-Who is it?" she calls out. "What do you want?" she tries to hide the fear in her voice but can't.

C. Remind me that we'll always have each other [Around Cellar Door and Willful Machine - Second week of April]

It took constant reassurance, but Usagi has been convinced to at least leave the house for short trips... if only to give her poor kitchenware a break from being broken all the time, or from just breaking something in general in her panic.

After all, as some had pointed out, food was not scarce, no wall of corpses every twelfth hour, people weren't turning into monsters left and right, the water wasn't turned into blood or plants into ash. She was able to sleep a full night's rest without concern, she wasn't sleepwalking, there was a whole list of reasons why this was different. And she was under the moon, not those eyes.

As she walked through Willful Machine, she can softly be heard muttering 'it's okay, it's okay,' as she walks, her hands shaking as she checks again and again at the grocery list and supply list Makoto had written and all the things she was carrying for trade. She was pretty sure she'd need to find a way to make up for breaking Makoto's favorite mixing bowl that had had pink roses painted on it.

She still felt bad about that one.

She would tend to walk from Willful Machine back to her home in Cellar Door. So wound up as she was too focused on just getting home or trying not to have a panic attack in public. So she wouldn't always pay attention...

And would then smack into someone else because she keeping her head down and attention on her groceries. In her surprise, she dropped everything everywhere on the ground. She winced as she heard something shatter... again.

"I-I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there," she was quick to crouch down to pick everything up. "Are you hurt?"

D. When everything else is gone [WILDCARD]
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Camping out it is then.

[She went to sit down beside the door. Sure she didn't actually bring much, but she was sure the others would be okay with this, right? She in her mind had good reason to do this after all.]

You know I won't leave because I know something is up. I just want to talk.

[The idea of Minako sitting out front of her door on the floor and being there for who knew how long... She got up, stumbled, and tripped, her legs and arms stiff from being in the same position for so many hours, and so she crawled the rest of the way to her door, sitting with her back against it.

Her mind went to what felt like another life ago, a door between her and Haruka and her beginning to be let in physically and emotionally.]

You weren't there... I killed so many, Mina... I killed... I killed Makoto... I caused Setsuna's death. I hurt so many...

I may not have witnessed it, but I was around.

[She had heard and she herself knew she hadn't done anything to stop it or to even help. To Minako it was a time where she felt guilty for not even trying. It's why if and when possible she tries perhaps a little too hard now to compensate.]

Just because it happened once doesn't mean we don't have a way to deal with it if it does happen again. If it helps we could have a discussion on how to, so we all have a backup plan. [Not that she honestly wants to discus what possible things they could do, but she didn't know what could ease her mind at all. If knowing how to handle her should it happen be it then she figured she might as well.]

[A plan... a backup plan... She let out a breath. That... didn't sound bad. And it was Minako, not just Minako but Venus. She knew better than most what to do in these kinds of situations, right?

Usagi stared at the door for a long time before taking a deep breath and pulling Minako inside. The room was completely dark, with no lights, and the curtains were drawn and blinds closed. Not that it would have been noticeable because Usagi was glowing head to toe.

She pulled Minako into the room and hugged onto her tightly.]

[Minako wanted to help in her own way. She didn't know if something like that could help at all, but she liked to hope because it meant they had something planned. But deep down Minako didn't even want to think about it happening again.

But even if they did she felt like next time she could be ready and do something. When she heard the door she took a moment to ponder if Usagi was perhaps going to come out, but befpre she could even opne her mouth and say anything she was pulled in instead.

She was surprised to say the least, but was happy to give her friend a comforting hug. Not to tight, but letting the other knew she was there and that she was safe for the moment.]

At least you let me in, I'm glad.

[She's crying, trembling but grateful for Minako's arms. While Minako was not hugging too tight, Usagi absolutely was. She wanted to believe nothing more than Minako would make everything better, that they would figure this out, that she wouldn't repeat October all over again.

She felt the tears falling and didn't try to stop them.]

I don't want to be a monster again. I-I'm so scared, Mi-Mina-chan. I don't want to ever hurt any one again.

And we will try and make sure that doesn't happen. I mean I am not just a pretty face after all. I will try and figure something out. Even if it is doing something like you've been doing here, but with someone bringing food.

[It was at least an understandable idea to say the least. A sad one however and with the way the world was she knew that it was never going to be a never will it happen again either.]

Do you think there are things that would be able to seal off an area if needs be?

Um, I don't know about seals, but last time incense was the way to fix it. I think we still have plenty around? [Should they just have an endless supply of incense right now?]

So we just need to check how much we have. Also I need to learn how much was used.

[Because learning was kinda important to the situation really.]

Do you know that or will it be a case of me guessing.

[She shook her head.]

O-Only that the library was filled with it, pretty sure you could smell it for weeks even afterward.

[So that just sounded like a lot and now she was unsure if there could be enough, but with that in mind she didn't even know how much was around. So that was going to be the first thing to check when she can.]

Okay, that gives me some basic ideas. I can work with that.

[She will probably over do it in trying to figure it out, but she was confident that she will get there at least.]

Until then... are you planning on staying in here or did you want to step out and go to the ktichen?

I... [It was still her house, right? It should be okay to go into the kitchen. She glanced down the hallway and saw the moonlight streaming through a window and vehemently shook her head.]

I think I'll stay h-here, if... if just... if just to be cautious. [She had stayed in her room for a week when she transformed into Serenity back when they were 14. She could do it for a month if it meant NOT transforming into that Serenity.]

I can do it then...so long as you eat.

[Even if it means she stays here the whole time just to make sure of it. Sure she knew the others might to bur if they had work or something Minako was freelance so didn't have a set timetable for work. She could fill in.]

Anything in particular you want?

[She wasn't feeling particularly hungry, which she knew was a sure sign that she wasn't in the best of moods.]

I'm not really sure. I... [She should probably eat something light...] Maybe just some congee for now? I think we have some already, though. You don't have to make me anything.

If I had made anything it would have been basic or simple anyway.

[Small but light most likely. But Minako had gone about getting the congee and brining it to her.]

While I have had plenty of times to cook and such, still no expert.

It's okay. [She let out a breath.] I don't... need an expert for congee.

[Minako was already rolling up her sleeves. She hasn't had to make this in a while though but she was going to do her best to not try and ruin it too much. Burn it a bit was her best option.

Might take a while and at least a couple more attempts before she comes back with something.]

Here we go. Its not going to be great, but I tried.

If I turn into another

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