deercountry | If I turn into another

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If I turn into another

Who: Usagi Tsukino, people who are bonded with her, and potentially you
What: Usagi is having a mini-meltdown about the Eternal Night
When: First half of April
Where: Usagi's house and then some parts of Cellar Door and Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Past mentions of violence, murder, emotional trauma, past mentions of attempts at genocide

A. Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me [Closed to those bonded to her]

When it was April 1st and the sun didn't initially rise, Usagi was uneasy but not worried. This was just Trench being its weird Trenchie self.

When the second day came and the sun still had not risen, slowly the memories began to come, unbidden, unyielding, unforgiving and she forced them back and away. It would be okay.

When the third day of it came?

Usagi realized that April might be the new October, and the image of herself, giggling, laughing, bleeding from her crescent moon as she hugged her friends and then killed them, as she went mad and tried to kill everyone, literally, everyone, until Rei ran a sword through her chest-

She panicked.

She locked herself in her room and refused to come out. She locked her windows and closed the blinds as she sat in the corner of her room, knees hugged to her chest.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay!

She tried to reassure herself.

You won't turn into her, you won't turn into her, you won't turn into her!

She began to shake, trembling and feeling her eyes well up with tears as she hid her face in her knees.

If she stayed right there no one would be hurt, she wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would die.

It was only the third day, it would be okay, it would be fine. She would just stay in here, she wouldn't leave.

Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears and it was hard to breathe, harder to breath.

No, she begged. Please no.

Please, please, please, please.

She can't, not again, not that again. Not her. Not her.

Her margay, Lua, let out soft chirps of concern, trying to nuzzle Usagi's hand to help her feel better, but Usagi didn't even feel it, didn't even notice. Her whole body is trembling and she hugs her knees tighter to her chest and swallows down every sob so no one in the house can hear her.

Unfortunately, Usagi had forgotten that the bonds she had formed were telegraphing everything.

B. Sing this song [Her house - Later in the week]

It was later in the week when Usagi was finally convinced to at least leave her room even if she couldn't be convinced to leave the house. She's jumpy, skittish like an actual rabbit. Every other moment she seems to be looking out the windows only to decide she doesn't want to see, she shuts the curtains of whatever room she's in, and if she's in a room that doesn't have them, she leaves it. The full moon and the endless night is making her blood sing in her body and she immediately hates it when usually such a thing is a comfort because it's her connection to the moon.

So when she hears the doorbell or a knock she practically jumps over the course of her self-induced imprisonment, sometimes even dropping what she's holding and it smashes on the floor or spills all over. She heads over to the door, not opening it. She'll have to clean up the mess in a moment. Her hands are trembling and to stop that, she rests them against the wood of the door.

"W-Who is it?" she calls out. "What do you want?" she tries to hide the fear in her voice but can't.

C. Remind me that we'll always have each other [Around Cellar Door and Willful Machine - Second week of April]

It took constant reassurance, but Usagi has been convinced to at least leave the house for short trips... if only to give her poor kitchenware a break from being broken all the time, or from just breaking something in general in her panic.

After all, as some had pointed out, food was not scarce, no wall of corpses every twelfth hour, people weren't turning into monsters left and right, the water wasn't turned into blood or plants into ash. She was able to sleep a full night's rest without concern, she wasn't sleepwalking, there was a whole list of reasons why this was different. And she was under the moon, not those eyes.

As she walked through Willful Machine, she can softly be heard muttering 'it's okay, it's okay,' as she walks, her hands shaking as she checks again and again at the grocery list and supply list Makoto had written and all the things she was carrying for trade. She was pretty sure she'd need to find a way to make up for breaking Makoto's favorite mixing bowl that had had pink roses painted on it.

She still felt bad about that one.

She would tend to walk from Willful Machine back to her home in Cellar Door. So wound up as she was too focused on just getting home or trying not to have a panic attack in public. So she wouldn't always pay attention...

And would then smack into someone else because she keeping her head down and attention on her groceries. In her surprise, she dropped everything everywhere on the ground. She winced as she heard something shatter... again.

"I-I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there," she was quick to crouch down to pick everything up. "Are you hurt?"

D. When everything else is gone [WILDCARD]
((OOC: If you would like to plot something, please don't hesitate to contact me at

snickersnack or make up your own prompt!

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The fear and terror he can still hear spike up Maul's alarm to high levels. He's not sure what's going on but he's afraid something terrible has happened to Usagi. He pounds on the door near hard enough to nearly knock it off its hinges.

"Usagi, open up the door right now!" He says in a demanding tone. If she doesn't, he's going to break the door down, regardless of whether or not Usagi wants him around. She's one of his best friends and has always been there for him. Right now, it's clear she needs him the same way, to be there for her for whatever she's going through right now.

She pulls away from the door, wincing, and knows that Maul will very well break down her door, which would defeat the entire purpose of her staying in the house. She lets out a breath, coming back to the door, staring at the doorknob and then outside, seeing the night sky and closing her eyes.

She presses her forehead to the wood.

"Promise me... promise me if I- you'll leave if-if I don't seem like myself for even a second," she called out through the door.

He pauses for a moment, chewing at his lower tattooed lip. He's unhappy with this promise she wants to explain but he knows she wants him to say it for a good reason. Maul knows better than anyone what Usagi is capable of doing if she's brainwashed or otherwise not herself. She could kill him in the blink of an eye.

And so, while he's most unhappy about it, he says firmly: "I promise." When the door eventually opens up, he immediately looks Usagi over and strides on into the house, hard eyes darting around to make sure there's no immediate threats. Once he establishes that, he looks back at Usagi, and there's clear concern on his face. "Usagi, what's wrong?"

With his promise in place, she opened the door, and immediately, as soon as the moonlight touched her skin, she began glowing.

She rubbed her arm as she closed the door behind him and then put distance between them.

"Nothing is..." she sighed and scratched the back of her neck, taking a deep breath. "The sun hasn't risen..." she offered weakly. "And I know... I know it's not the same, I know that," she insisted. "But... But- I got scared," she whispered. "I got scared it'd happen all over again. I got scared I'd hurt everyone again."

Oh. Oh. So that's what was going on. Maul feels like a heel. He hadn't realized that the lack of sun light would be affecting Usagi so badly. Once again, he's been self-centered and not thinking of others.

He closes the gap between them. He's unsure if she would accept a hug from him right now, so he settles for putting his clawed hands gingerly on her shoulders. He tries to pick out his words carefully and so they come out slow. "Usagi, I know your fears are valid. There's no telling what might happen this month. And the Pthumerians might target those that have great power. But..... that's not you. You're a good person. You're kind and caring and compassionate. If I were to be brainwashed, there would still be some part of me that relishes what I would do even if not all of me did. You wouldn't. Because you love others with all your heart and that is what makes all the difference."

"I try to tell myself it's different this time. It... it IS different. There's still water and the walls aren't bleeding, there aren't rivers of blood, or mountains of corpses, and there aren't eyes in the sky. I say it over, and over, and over again. But I'm still... Maybe if I stay inside, if I stay in one place, if I become her, then it'll be so much easier to stop me, just slam a sword through my heart again and I'll be stopped before someone is harmed again," she lets out a long breath and she leaned in towards Maul.

"It doesn't matter if I don't like it, Maul, because if I'm still made to do it, I can't... I couldn't stop myself last time. I... screamed and screamed and pleaded with every part of my being and I couldn't do anything to make her stop."

When she leaned in towards Maul, he couldn't help himself. He just wrapped her up in a hug and rested his chin on top of her head, wishing he could protect Usagi from all the things she feared. But this time what she feared was herself and he couldn't prevent that from happening.

He thought long and hard before he spoke again, the words coming out slowly as if he was affirming them to himself as well as Usagi. "If it happens again.....if you feel yourself slipping and about to go over the edge....I'll do it. I'll kill you myself." A death he would hate to be the cause of more than a hundred others he'd committed combined. But for Usagi, he would do it, because he loved her just that much.

It's hard to be able to believe things about trusting yourself and how things can be different when Trench loves to hit on all your past traumas.

"You'll know where to find me," she offered softly, as much of an acceptance as he was going to get on the offer. "I don't plan on leaving the house until the month is over."

"Alright." That was all he could say. It wasn't something he had offered lightly but he knew it had to be done. There was few in the city that could stop Usagi once she got going. He wouldn't stand a chance, not really, but he knew her lingering affection for him might give him enough time to get the drop on her through stealth and trickery. It had worked when he had stolen her heart.

"Let us have hope that it won't come to that. Maybe everything will be alright," he said. Maul didn't have a lot of hope that would be so but preparing for the worst and hoping for the best was a good coping mechanism right now. "Come on now, calm down and let us have some tea."

"I've broken three mugs, and I cracked one of the teapots" she laments. "I don't think I should be in charge of making it," she sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "I've been using the wooden or plastic stuff but even those are getting chipped or bent," she's a nervous wreck right now.

She looked over to the broken bowl currently in the center of her floor where cereal and milk still spilled about in a giant mess.

"Don't suppose the Force is able to clean up spilled milk?" there was a joke in there and if she was in a different sort of mood, she might have made it.

"I hope one of those mugs wasn't mine," Maul said in a light manner, trying to tease her just a little. They both knew he'd been completely unamused the first time he'd come over and discovered she had a walrus mug for him, but it had grown on him. The one time she hadn't had it out he'd been most upset.

He tutted upon seeing the broken mess on the floor. "You stay right there. You don't need to be walking all over the place where there are broken shards. I'll clean it up." The old-fashioned way though as he goes to get a broom and dustpan plus some towels to soak up the soggy cereal and milk mixture.

"No, it was a moony bunny one," one of her own. She rubs her arm, watching him clean up but she stays put, like he says, too nervous and wound up to disobey, any moment wondering if she's going to turn psychotic.

She lets out a breath as the mess is gone.

"Thank you," she whispers, much more subdued than her usual temperament.

"You're welcome," Maul says. There are few people he would be this selfless for but Usagi was worth it to him.

He fills the kettle with water and sets it on the stove to warm up, pulling out his own mug and one of Usagi's as they wait. Then he goes through the cabinet for what kind of teas she has. "Which one do you want?" He asks, trying to get her mind off of her fears a little bit.

"Something calming, I should have a couple of bags of mint." She shuffles over to him, moving to hug him from behind, trembling so her shaking hands settle on his stomach, her forehead resting just beneath his shoulders.

"What brought you here?" she asked, knowing she didn't call him. "Did something happen?"

He goes about making the tea for the two of them, letting her hug him and rest her small form against his tall, muscular frame. He's solid as a brick right now and feels just as sturdy, like there was nothing here in Trench that could possibly harm him.

"You haven't been out in quite a while. I thought perhaps I kept missing you but when one of my followers mentioned you hadn't left the house in quite a while, I began to get worried." His cult does tend to follow those people Maul cares about a lot, watching and observing them in hopes of discovering just what they mean to their great leader.

"I don't know how I feel about your cult watching my house," she mumbles honestly as she keeps a hold of Maul, the tension in her shoulders easing even though she's worried she could snap and turn.

She inhales.

"They don't know about Sailor Moon and Serenity, do they?" she didn't need his followers knowing two of her biggest secrets.

Maul waits for the water to heat up as he answers Usagi. "No. Those are not my secrets to tell," he says. For all Maul is blunt, harsh, and rude, he's actually very good with discretion. Things that people tell him in confidence or that he knows are meant to be kept secret are safely locked away, never to be told unless he's given express permission to tell someone else. That's how he wants his own secrets to be treated, so that's what he gives everyone else.

"Besides, they watch just about everyone I care about to some extent or another," he explains. "They've followed Savage and Reaper about before as well." They were suitably impressed with his brother but Maul wasn't sure what they made of Reaper. His mysterious nature had left the cult confused as to what he was and how they should react to him beyond being Maul's paramour.

"Good," she mumbled closing her eyes and shaking her head. The idea of them trying to follow Reaper and Savage making her smile a bit.

"If I get kidnapped by them, I'm blaming you," she teased, the both of them well aware that she could handle his followers. "Thank you, for staying... even if... even if..." she could become incredibly dangerous.

"If they kidnap you, I'll be laughing," he says, amused at the thought of what his cult might try to do to Usagi if they got their hands on her.

He brings up one of his hands to cover Usagi's own small ones. "You are beautiful and terrifying but I've never truly been scared of you. Not the way I am with my master. So I won't leave you." Some things could induce terror in Maul but only because he knew he would be foolish not to know what kind of power he beheld in front of him. But Sidious could scare him mainly because of the endless potential for cruelty and torture that was within him. Even at her worst, Maul has never seen that from his best friend.

"I don't want people to be terrified of me, so honestly, I'm fine that you don't. I never want people to be scared of me," she let out a breath. "If they are, I've done something wrong. People were scared when I revived back in Deerington, seeing their faces... knowing I caused it... I don't blame them."

It's why she could never understand Maul's... fondness for being seen as a terror. They were diametrically opposed with that opinion.

"There's enough to be scared of here without adding ourselves to the mix."

"Yes, no one should ever be scared of you. All you ever do is try to use your powers to help people." Usagi was kind, selfless, and good. Anyone who thought otherwise, that she was like a bomb waiting to go off and something they needed to fear clearly had no idea at all about what her actual personality was like.

The water is hot enough, so Maul turns off the kettle and pours it into the two mugs before he adds in the tea. "There. That should help settle your nerves a little bit."

She pulled away, if only to let him turn and add tea to the mugs before she went right back to being a barnacle on his back. "This is working fine, too," she said, though it might be muffled by the folds of his clothes and her forehead resting against his spine.

Being terrified all the time was exhausting, she hated it. At least sleep came easy.

"Will you stay for the day?" she might have asked this already, she does not remember, mostly because her mind is a jumbled mess.

"Good thing I care so much about you." Maul's not usually one for physical contact much at all with people.....except for those that he loves. Then he's willing to get close in both a mental and physical sense, let down some of his walls. The level of trust he has with Usagi is absolute, knowing she would never betray him.

"Of course I will," Maul says, reaching out to pat one of her hands gently. Usagi is always looking out for everyone else and protecting them. The least he can do is be there for her when she needs him to do the same.

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If I turn into another

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CW: Suicidal Ideation

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