deercountry | Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck

[As he should. Ryan has never loved anyone more.

He looks down at Min with a warm, bright smile that answers everything for him. Yes, forever. Forever and ever. But he'll say it too, just for good measure.]

Yeah. Forever.

[They've never talked about...forever, not so specifically anyway. It's something that was always just quietly assumed. Ryan could never imagine his life without Min in it, cracks and claws and all.

He would ever want Min hurting like this, never in a million years, but...it feels good to be the one who can give Min some comfort, for once. He didn't screw things up; Min is visibly healing and everything actually will be okay.]

Good. ...Things probably would've gotten awkward preeeeetty fast if you weren't.

[His voice has a playful but tentative tilt to it, unsure if the moment is right or not. But it's very normal, very Ryan, even with all of the unusual around them.]

[A half snort. He smiles a bit more. Unusual around them is pretty par for the course these days.]

Yeah, I guess it would have.

[Forever would be a big conversation to have, but dancing around it a little isn't as scary as he thought. Maybe because it's coming up naturally. If they'd sat down to Discuss Forever it would be a different story. Don't do that to him.

Still, while they're on the topic,]

I can't be without you again.

[Whatever that means for them. Needy? Yes. Dramatic? Probably. Codependent? Absolutely. But it's how he feels, fragile and stormy as he is right now.]

[Needy? Dramatic? Codependent? Sounds like just a regular day for Ryan. But to hear it from Min too, and to know that he means it, even with how terrible things are for him? It makes Ryan's heart soar, and Min will be able to feel so.]

You won't be. I'm not going anywhere, dude.

[He adjusts them a little, so he can hold Min's hand. It's a little awkward to get the angle just right but he's doing it anyway. His point needs to be made and he needs to lace their fingers together.]

Any time I've been without you I've been like, super miserable. Never doing that again, ever.

[It's just him and Min now, the way it was always supposed to be. The way it was supposed to be since the day they were born.]

Plus, how the hell did I ever live without this smile in my life?

[Then, playfully, he uses his free hand to gently poke Min in the cheek on the side that isn't cracking so much. Look at him. Look at his ridiculous, handsome face. Even cracked to hell and growing claws, Min is still one of the most handsome people Ryan's ever seen. He's glad that smile is coming back to him, no matter how small it might be now.]

Miserably.

[Which only makes him smile more. Is that fucked up? Maybe a little.

But it leeches through all the bitumen coating his insides and brings with it the warm feelings from Ryan, himself.

Min-Gi presses his face into Ryan, breathing in deep before he pulls himself up to sit, only letting go of his hand to rearrange himself. Hip to hip but in opposite directions, weight on one hand which crosses Ryan's lap to do so, putting them more or less face to face without him being directly in Ryan's lap.

Then he reaches for his boyfriend's hand, trying hard not to think about how awful it must be to touch claws right now, and leans in for a kiss.

Before it would have been side by side, hunched in with maybe their shoulders touching. This is better. Open. He wants to be more open.]

I'm sorry,

[Said softly when the kiss breaks. He looks up, apologetic but with purpose.]

I didn't really apologize after everything happened back home. For chickening out and not telling you why. Or not being able to tell you what I needed to begin with.

[He wets his lips. He's saying this now because it needs to be said but also because it's a pattern repeating right this very second.]

And I haven't done it here, either. Which makes me a hypocrite, I know. I've left you hanging so many times it's not even a fight anymore. I should be able to say I'm overwhelmed and pretending that I can handle all this stuff because we went through so much weird crazy shit already that it should be fine...

[He shifts to bring his hand back up, looking at the number sitting there like a taunt. It's not real. It can't be real. His hand is set back down. He can't.]

...but it's not. It's different, and it's awful, and I'm scared all the time.

You are too, I know. And we're together and we'll figure it out. I know. Just like I know you pay attention.

[Finally, Min-Gi looks back up. Meets Ryan's eyes. This is all coming out a little jumbled, a little stilted, but he's trying. It's hard to find a poetic way to say hey, I need to be better to you.]

I don't treat you very well sometimes and I don't want that to be the baseline for our relationship. I definitely don't give you enough credit. I should. I'm sorry for that, too.

Edited 2022-04-22 05:38 (UTC)

[It's a different kiss than they usually do, though not in a bad way at all. It's tender and soft, and says so many things all at once. It carries different emotions with it that Ryan could never have pinpointed before Trench but now feel so intuitive.

He loves Min so much in this moment. In every moment of course, but especially this one.

So...it's a little jarring when he pulls back and apologizes, but Ryan falls quiet and listens.

He's fairly sure Min did apologize for at least some of this, though now he's second guessing that - did he just assume they were good? Has Min still been carrying that guilt all this time? But he goes on and the pieces slide together more easily.

Still, even though he's listening, he can't help sending out his own thoughts to Min as he stares at the number on his hand, unknowingly echoing Min. "It's not real."

Much of these confessions are things Ryan has not been worrying about at all, but...some are. Some needed to be said, and it makes it harder to blanket insist that he doesn't have to be sorry for everything. A little more credit when he's actually paying attention would be nice now and then.

He remembers a talk with Shiro, about how the people who care about them want to know when things are wrong, and how impossible that had seemed at the time. But sitting here with Min reminds him of all of his own reasons for wanting to do better.

But the real question is, can he actually articulate them? Who's to say?]

I...get what you're saying, but dude, I don't want you walking around thinking you've been a total monster to me? You really, really haven't. I definitely haven't always treated you well either though, and-- I'm sorry for that.

[He squeezes Min's hand, both to reassure him and for his own support.]

I'm not great at, you know. ...Talking my shit out. So I'm sorry too, if I've left you...I dunno, worrying? Or wondering? Especially when you've already got a lot to worry about as it is.

[He shouldn't have to wonder if Ryan is hiding stuff on top of whatever dozen things they have to deal with seasonally.]

But...we're trying? And I think we're getting there. Slowly. That's gotta count for something, right?

Yeah, it does.

[People say that you know you have the right partner when they inspire you to be the best version of yourself.

Min-Gi thinks that he and Ryan have always done that to a degree, but as they get older (and maybe slightly wiser) it gets easier to see. Right now is a perfect example and in the vast book recording memories of Ryan supporting him, this takes pride of place. They're even, god forbid, learning patience and vulnerability.

It's nice to feel like they can be open and candid like this. It's nice to have that trust. They didn't always. It had been hard to admit and something they never really sat down and processed, but not everything has to be said in words. In fact, sometimes words just make things worse.

Actions, though. Actions can say a million things. Religiously combing the beach for a familiar looking squid. Dropping everything to accommodate a frightened, new arrival. Being so willing to do anything. Little nods of encouragement. The light hand of reassurance. A silly little song made just for him. Ryan said I love you in a million different ways before he ever used those words. Really, Ryan has been saying I love you for years.

So when he says he's in this for the long haul, Min-Gi believes him because he says it with his whole being.

When Min says it back, he means it, too. With every careful song composition to lift and let Ryan's voice and guitar shine. Taking the early driving shift to let Ryan sleep and then caving and letting him skip around songs instead of listening to an album all the way through how it was intended. Limb tangled couch naps and long shifts at Rocky's. Learning an album's worth of songs in just a few weeks for a friend Min didn't even like. Tentative public hand holds and mushroom free meals. Maybe he should use his voice after all. Might not hurt.

If Ryan can feel good about where they stand right now then he can, too.]

I love you, Ryan.

[Followed by that familiar, gut wrenching whirring noise. Min-Gi looks at his hand. The number falls to zero and disappears. Some of the crushing anxiety falls with it and a hard exhale. Then he can't stop smiling.]

Edited 2022-04-22 07:50 (UTC)

[Ryan looks at his hand too - even with his insistence that it's not real, that they aren't back on the train, there was still a part of him that was scared for Min. The same part that was terrified a few weeks ago when glowing mushrooms clustered in a 202 on his own hand.

But the number spins and spins and spins...until it hits zero and vanishes completely.

Ryan is beaming and impulsively he turns around so he can fling himself forcefully at Min, throwing his arms around him in the biggest hug.]

I love you too! I love you so much, Min-Gi.

[He doesn't let go. He's going to just cling here as long as he can possibly get away with and squish him with all of this overwhelming love he feels.]

[Ryan knocks in like a hurricane. Min gives a small oof- but doesn't complain. He's too happy.

If we're being honest, he's too needy. In fact, Min wraps Ryan up just as hard, pulling him close and into his lap. He's so relieved. Relieved and happy and grateful.

And loved.

Disgustingly, unabashedly in love.

So maybe they just.. stay here like this for a while. Wrapped tightly, almost desperately around each other. Ryan seems to be as clingy as he is (which isn't that surprising, Ryan is very tactile) but it means he doesn't have to justify non-budging. Even exhausted, he doesn't want to move. Like, ever.]

[It feels so good to be this close, to just feel the happiness and relief just grow and multiply and ricochet from Ryan to Min and back again. He doesn't always like his powers, but sometimes? Sometimes they really amplify things, magnify even small moments until they're swimming in good feelings together.

They stay like that for a while, all smiles and giggles and coziness, but it does eventually fade - not into sadness, but tiredness. It's been a long day.]

Sooooo. Not that I want this to end exactly, but...how do we actually get out of here?

[He glances up, if only because he knows they fell through a wormhole to get here in the first place, but he doesn't see any obvious exits himself.]

It's been a while. Maybe that tentacle bot from the train is gone now?

[Hopefully?]

Maybe...

[Min murmurs and presses his face into Ryan's neck a little before forcing himself to reengage in anything that isn't the happy feeling vibe loop they've made. He really, honestly is starting to feel so much better.

Good point, though. He's exhausted and has no way how to get out of here, or even how to check that they're safe.]

I don't know how long we've been here. We should get up. The second we're out, we need to book it.

[And he will reluctantly move to do just that.

By the logic of how he's been getting things to work... it can't be too hard to get out, right? He'll just wish really, really hard.

I wish there was a door. I want out now. I'm tired, I'm finished in here. Let me out, I want out!!

And you know what, mercifully, it really is that easy. A dark point appears in the nothing-everything, growing like a black hole until it stretches into a human sized arch and peels open. There's some noise from the other side but nothing to see.

Min-Gi looks at Ryan and offers his hand.]

Together. You ready?

[Getting up is a struggle - he was so cozy! And Min nuzzled into his neck, that was so sweet! But, they need to. They can't just live in cosmic pocket space forever.

At least Min's there to give him a hand, and once Ryan has that hand again he keeps it, lacing their fingers. Apparently he's starting to get the hand of his powers too, since a doorway just appeared out of nowhere.

It doesn't sound like anything bad is happening on the other side. Ryan can't hear all that well but no one seems to be screaming about a robot or anything.]

Yep. Ready!

[And together, hand in hand, they walk through the wormhole Min's made.

On the other side it's striking how it both does and doesn't feel like the same time of day. The moon is still out just like it's been for days, and the glow returns to Ryan's veins gradually, but...there are fewer people on the street, and the nearby stores seem to be closed. They definitely look a little out of place with their shopping bags.

Second most importantly, the Steward seems to be gone, as is the portal that it came from. All is quiet.

Most importantly, after just five seconds to process everything else. Tomo appears at their feet in a sudden poof of smoke, stamps their feet on the cobblestones, and SQUEAKS IN ANGER. Even Ryan is taken by surprise and nearly jumps out of his own damn skin.]

Tomo? What the fuck?! Don't do that!

[Tomo is not listening. Instead they've gone right up to Min, standing up on two feet and papping him on leg a couple times. Let them up, right now! Pap, pap, pap!]

[Min had also jumped a mile but kneels down almost immediately to collect Tomo, feeling pretty rotten that he'd completely forgotten about the omen's task. In his defense, he wasn't really paying attention, caught hard in the face of a panic attack. He doesn't really even remember Tomo had a task.]

Hey, hey, I'm sorry. It's okay, it's okay. Have you been out here all this time?

[Because it's genuinely never occurred to him that you could be separated from your omen like that. And speaking of, where the heck has Yeong been all this time?]

I'm a little gross right now. Something spooked us and my powers appeared.

[That's putting it mildly...]

We didn't mean to leave you behind.

[Ryan makes a bit of a face at Min over that self-description.]

Dude, you're not gross.

[Not even a little. Cut that out, Min.

Tomo also doesn't seem to think Min's gross - they just curl right up in his arms and nuzzle right into the crook of his elbow, just as needy and clingy as Ryan himself is.]

That's...definitely weird Tomo couldn't come back to me though.

[Huh. Ryan sighs though, and offers an apologetic head scritch.]

Sorry bud. Min's right, we didn't mean to ditch you.

[All seems forgiven - mostly they just want cuddles from Min specifically and if he moves to put them down, they will whine.]

[Min tries twice because there are bags to carry and he figures Tomo would want to be with Ryan, but the whine gets more intense and he doesn’t go for a third.

Instead, he ignores getting corrected because he was very gross earlier and is still gross but whatever, and awkwardly gives over the parcel he’d been attempting to carry in favor of holding the otter more securely.

They aren’t going anywhere, apparently.

It’s pretty nice.

Min said they needed to make a run for it but that doesn’t seem to be required. He hopes. They’re definitely taking a lantern home, though.]

Hey Tomo… when you were out here did you see a big, like, metal octopus looking thing with a face? Do you know what happened to it?

[An image will pop into Ryan and Min's minds of the immediate aftermath - Ryan and Min fall into a wormhole that closes behind them before the Steward can get inside, though it does tap the ground a few times with metal claws.

It scans for signs of them, but nothing appears. The crowd of shoppers who have been watching seem just as perplexed, but before any of them can think to be worried about the Steward, it crouches low to the ground and then leaps in several bounds away from the busy street and out of sight.]

Huh. So...it's not here, but it's still out there. Cool, cool. Uh. Did you ever find the closest lantern?

[That answer is even quicker and more instant than the last. Suddenly they just know the answer - less than a block away, in front of a fancy-looking shoe store a couple doors down from where they are.]

[Amazing.

Min-Gi hates that the thing is still around somewhere, his paranoia spiking (justified!!) but the lantern is close and they head in that direction right away.]

What would we do without you.

[Mindful of claws, he smooths his knuckle over Tomo’s little snout but then it’s all business until they’re through the lantern and safely back inside. All those locks on the door bolted and chained.

See? There’s justification for having them. A train thing is loose in the world and they have no idea when it might show up. If it will show up. Love that.

Exhaaale. He’s exhausted. This has been such a fucking day.]

[Ryan is just as beat. He drops the bags unceremoniously on the floor and gives the biggest, most dramatic yawn while Min's locking the door - complete with a full, wide stretch.

He isn't going to say so, but given how dead Willful Machine was when they finally walked of that pocket dimension, Ryan's pretty sure he skipped right past when he should have headed back to sleep. He could totally use a nap right about now.

Min's smart and will probably put that part together later and feel bad about it, but right now Ryan's crossing his fingers he's too exhausted to think about it. He doesn't need to feel guilty when everything's been so much today.

Still, he tugs on Min's sleeve once the locks are all locked.]

Alright - bedtime, dude. It'll help, I promise.

[And he's going to playfully (and maybe sleepily) pull Min in the direction of the stairs, whether he starts to follow on his own or not.]

You're gonna stay?

[Ryan doesn't have to tell him twice, but after all of this he wouldn't be surprised if Ryan didn't at least consider going back to Shiro's to decompress.

But even as he asks, Min-Gi nods tiredly and steps out of his shoes before following. So there's a little tug in the delay but not much.

Sleep is coming thick and fast, so there's no avoiding, but if he were slightly more awake he would surely lay there analyzing the events until morning. Whenever...morning is supposed to be. This total darkness all the time thing is starting to get disorienting.]

[To be honest? He had considered it earlier, when Min was being a jerk in the middle of the street. Part of him had just wanted to go home, and in that moment home was Shiro's house. Even after he saw Min had corrupted, he had assumed he would need a break after he got Min home safe and sound.

But, that isn't how things shook out. They stayed in a pocket dimension for...several hours? Maybe even most of the day? He's not sure and like, he could look but he doesn't feel like it. They talked some things out, talked down Min's corruption just a little bit.

And now they're both exhausted and Ryan wants nothing more than to curl up with Min and doze off for who knows how long. He's seen how scared Min is of this corruption, and he doesn't want to just leave him alone.]

Uh-huh. Tonight anyway. Or-- whatever time of day it is.

[He waves a tired hand, because fuck if he knows.]

I'm not going anywhere right now. Plus, we both need a nap and you make a great pillow.

Ah, I see. My true calling in life.

[Min-Gi Park, not entirely in his right mind or body, does not love the openendedness of that answer but simply does not have the energy to open that can of worms right now.

They didn't really get to a concrete answer about moving in and he's trying not to think about that either, but..

No, actually. Just no. He isn't going to think about it. He's about to pass out.

So clothes are taken off and abandoned in a pile by the bed. The covers are pulled back. He double checks for cheeky omens trying to scurry in and priming themselves to be crushed. Then, and only then does he slip into bed with Ryan.

He he had even slightly more energy he'd lay awake and evaluate everything that's happened, but that is definitely a tomorrow problem at this point.]

Man, I'm so tired. We h-hh- [yaaaaaawn--] -have so much to do for our show this week, too.

Mm-hm. Min-Gi Pillow.

[It's not even that funny, but sometimes you just hit the point of tired where the dumbest things are hysterical, and that's why Ryan's snickering now.

His clothes come off too, tossed into another pile, and he slips on a set of sleep clothes he's been keeping at Min's for when he forgets to bring some or just spontaneously stays over - an oversized T-shirt and the shortest pair of comfy shorts.

When Min climbs in bed, Ryan turns and makes space for him, keeping his arm out so Min can slip in and let Ryan hold him. Tonight, he's decided he's big spoon. If Min indulges him, Ryan will snuggle up close, like he's hugging a big teddy bear.]

Shh...that's a problem for tomorrow Min. Tonight Min's gonna sleep.

[It's at this point that Tomo hops up on the bed, and they will try to claim the space in front of Min. Between Ryan and Tomo, they've made a Min-Gi sandwich.]

Mmph. G'night tonight Ryan.

[He can't argue. Won't argue. Ryan can be whatever spoon, knife, fork he wants. Min-Gi lays down and settles in up against him in his soft, warm pjs.

Tomo is pulled close like a teddy bear (how can you not, it's criminal not to try to cuddle an otter), and arranged like this he'll be asleep in no time, lazily wandering through how nice and safe it feels to have Ryan around him. Really makes a guy feel safe. God knows he use a little extra safety right now.]

[A good, long rest in the arms of the man who loves you can do a world of good. After such an awful day, Min-Gi did wake up feeling a little better, but the corruption is still there.

It courses through his veins like an infection, swinging his moods around like a rag doll. One minute he's passably fine, the next minute he's obsessing about everything negative and impossible to control. It's probably best that Ryan doesn't want to move in together. Who would want to live with this.

There's been tension, that much is sure. With Ryan urging him to take it easy and Min-Gi wanting to do anything but. He isn't on vacation. They have a show this week, back to business as usual and he's still got shifts at Rocky's, too. Things to get done. People to not let down. He can't run away and hide, not after making it such a huge part of his personality for so long. He needs to come around to the fact that this is his life now. He lives here, in Trench, and if he feels bad about that then it's his problem and the only solution is to beat through it bare knuckled and howling.

And yes, he's still worried about what's going on outside, and yes he's definitely obsessed with knowing what happened to that thing from the train, but he can't fix it all at once so focusing on one thing at a time is the logical solution. It's slow, and not totally satisfactory, but he's only human and he's only one man.

The thing he decides to start with, besides band practice, is how to finish his shopping list but avoid going back to Willful Machine. Lucky for him, there is a solution: bespoke.

And lucky for him, there's a sleeper run business which does exactly that. So he writes a few Omni-Mails of inquiry and agrees a price, which as it turns out, is much easier to do behind a screen. The price is a little daunting, but he'll figure it out. Sansa Stark wants darkblood crystals. The blood he has, a whole body's worth, but the crystal part is going to be tough. He's got to learn how to make them.

Which is what he's doing now, sat at the dining table with a sharp knife, a towel, a book, and fluctuating amounts of queasy determination. There's already some blood glittering around in the air from failed attempts to catch the damn stuff. Same with the towel, splattered with blackberry colored stains. Does he need to cut deeper? his claws wouldn't cut, wrists seemed weird and painful, forearm it is but it's hard to do that and guide the blood into the bottle. He'll try deeper. Maybe if he bleeds a lot all at once then he can catch some of it. ]

[It's been a rough few days, because of course nothing is as easy as just cuddling until it's all better. Min's mood is still all over the place and Ryan hasn't been able to convince him to do much actual resting. No, he isn't on vacation, but he should be on sick leave.

He has no idea how to broach the subject of their show this week. Unless Min actually rests enough to make his claws disappear, he's not going to be able to play his keyboard. Ryan didn't exactly take it well when Min canceled their show, but somehow he feels like Min will take it even worse.

Because he's been such a jerk overall, Ryan has definitely been taking chances to go back to Shiro's and decompress, or even just get out of the house, but any time he does he's left Tomo behind to look out for Min. Even if he's being extremely frustrating, Ryan is still worried about him.

Even Tomo can't watch him literally every second though.

This time, Ryan's stepped out for groceries. It's an easy thing to do that Min isn't a fan of anyway, and something that will help without being overbearing. He's kind of excited too - he's coming back with oranges. Maybe if he sits with Min and peels some, he can actually convince him to stop for a few minutes and rest.

It's a nice night (since it's always night now) and Ryan's taking his time walking back in the moonlight, but then he hears something clearly in his head.

"You need to come back. "

Ryan pauses in his tracks. It's a voice he hears so infrequently that it actually catches him off guard.]

...Tomo?

[There's no follow up, but he doesn't need one. He finds the nearest lantern and takes it back to Min's place, cutting his walk short. When he unlocks the door, before he can even yell a greeting to Min, Tomo is at the door stamping their feet and running around, trying to lead Ryan toward the kitchen.

Ryan, too alarmed by the fact that Tomo actually spoke to him, drops his bag by the door and follows.

When he gets to the doorway, his blood runs cold. Then he does probably the worst thing you could do when someone is holding a knife - he yells.]

MIN?! What the FUCK are you doing?!

[Frankly he doesn't actually care what Min's doing though. Either way he's going to approach and try to take the knife.]

[Yeah, yell at the guy with a knife, that's a great idea Ryan.

The corrupted guy with a knife who absolutely 100% snuck around Tomo but still set himself up in a very open part of the house to dice himself up.

Of course what you think it going to happen, happens. He jumps a mile and hisses as the blade plunges deep into his arm, then realizes it doesn't hurt nearly as much as ~~it should~~ he thought it would, and shoots Ryan such a fucking look of warning before drawing the blade back. It barely hurts at all. Or maybe it does and he just can't feel it, nerve receptors blocked with corruption.

He doesn't have the time to have this conversation and he wasn't ready so it's a race to pull out the knife and snatch up the bottle to catch the (quite frankly enormous amount of) blood that comes pouring out of the wound.

Min-Gi could barely pick his finger when he first arrived. Look at him now.]

I'm busy Ryan, back off.

[Another warning, snapped as he focuses. Darkblood doesn't behave and collecting it is a pain in the ass. He can feel Ryan's panic trying to invade his lungs and he can't devote energy to that right now, this is too important.]

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A few days later - cw self harm ig?/bloodletting

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