deercountry | you're never coming back

Entry tags:

you're never coming back

Who: Zib and maybe even you! This is an OPEN log for everyone who wants to get involved /o/
What: Mostly studying butterflies and skeletons, and then beast hood shenanigans thanks to the portals from the event
When: During the month of April
Where: Tends to hang out around Disaster House, but the prompt with beast corruption will be throughout Trench, see inside for further details

Content Warnings: despair/potential suicidal ideation because of the butterflies, skeletons(???), paranoia/hallucinations, obsession, insect/alien body horror per beast hood corruption, parental neglect, will add more if they come up

[So Zib has been... well, not well. He's been showing some signs of undergoing the corruption that others have here and there in the form of the extra green arms he's been walking around with lately, and with some strange lines that have formed against his face, arms, anywhere that he allows any skin to expose that take the shape of something reminiscent of spider-web cracks.

Like as if his body is merely a cocoon and something is bursting at the seams waiting for the right type to hatch.

But, thankfully, Zib had started out being at least semi-aware that he was very much stretching the definition of being "okay" in any way, shape, or form. He's told a few people about it rather than hiding it, at least, and has tried to find things that he actually enjoys to see if it helps any or at least serves as a nice enough distraction for now.

However... it seems that April has other ideas.]

[ooc: Toplevels with what's happening with Zib will be below with their own headers! They're all mostly related to the event, but if you want a closed thread with Zib that falls outside of the prompts offered, hit me up and I'll make it happen! I've also got Zib's plotting stuff for the event over here that you're free to go to for info or hit me up on as well!]

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Um, Dib? Don't you think you should be a little bothered by seeing a dead version of you? And then even more bothered that it can talk to you in the first place? In fact, now that I think about it, how can you hear it?

[She was pretty sure that Dib wasn't a Paleblood, so thought speak would be out. So how exactly was Dib managing...oh. Oh no].

The butterflies. They're making you hear him.

And who ever said you weren't important? I definitely didn't. If skeleton Dib could talk, I'm sure he'd agree with that too.

No, he wouldn't. He was pretty rude when we were trapped with his skeleton in a cell together for six months too.

[... Dib has a lot of self loathing issues, even when butterflies are not throwing his emotions out of whack.]

'Sides, nobody had to say it. I just know that I'm not that important, in the grand scheme of things. As far as the universe is concerned, I'm just another insignificant speck of dust in the vastness of space, no matter what I do.

Six months. I didn't see that thing until today. How were you trapped with it for six months?

[Man, sometimes it was very, very hard to keep track of everyone's back story. Maybe that was what she was supposed to be doing along with everything else she had to research in this place].

If you believed that, you wouldn't be trying so hard to try and take out all those versions of Zim. In the grand scheme of things, none of that would really matter, right?

I meant from when I was in the other timeline where this skeleton came from, before ending up here... I think? Wait, how long ago was that, actually?

[Zib puts a hand to his head as if fighting an oncoming headache. Time is a cruel mistress in the Invader Zim universe where shit can be said to happen for months and yet no one ages.]

Ugh, never mind, it's not important to figure that part out. The passage of time has never made any real sense anyway, and I doubt it will here when this place can just spit out your own corpse from another reality apparently.

[At the mention of Zim, however, his gaze finally flickers away from the butterfly properly to look at Luz.]

That's the thing, though. There's infinite universes in existence. Meaning, there are infinite versions of Zim that exist. So... when you really think about it, what I'm doing...

[His hands drop down to his sides, no longer interested in taking pictures or notes on the butterfly as this conversation continues to take a rather nihilistic turn.]

It doesn't really matter, does it? Maybe I'll succeed in saving some universes, but not all of them. There will be many that will still suffer, even after I finally die someday, if I fail to find a way to somehow erase all of them at once.

Edited 2022-04-18 17:17 (UTC)

You were trapped with it for six MONTHS?! How are you not more...

[Damaged? Crazy? Luz wasn't sure which of these would apply, but honestly, she was starting to get a better picture of why Zib was the way that he was. It was especially bothersome that he had already lost track of how long it had been].

No, you're probably right about that.

[Which was scary, but didn't make it any less true].

But that's never stopped you, has it? You're probably one of the most energetic people I know when it comes to trying to stop Zim from dooming most worlds. I mean, you even have his Pak now, you were so sure about stopping him!

[Ok, Luz knows that on one level, Zib's obsession with stopping Zim was a bit unhealthy. On another though? Surrendering to the notion that nothing he did would ever matter was even worse. No way that Luz would be content in letting him stay in that mind frame].

Yeah, I know. And I still am... I have to stop him. There's no other choice, or any other path for me.

[And now, Luz might notice that there's a glowing green haze that has begun clouding Zib's eyes at this point. Little orbs of light float off his person, but he doesn't notice them, or maybe he can't see them in his current state.]

Because that's the only reason I'm still alive. Otherwise, there's no other reason to keep existing if I don't keep working hard to make everything I've experienced worth it.

[Yyyyeah, okay, that ain't good.]

No other path? Really?

[Ok, she accepted that Zib needed to stop Zim. She understood what it meant to have things that needed to be done, much like Luz knew in the back of her mind that the Emperor needed to be stopped. But to say there was no other path? Why would he think that]?

Wait, WHAT?! What are you talking about? You're Zib! You're smart and fun and really really weird, but obviously we like having you around! Why would you think that you owe your existence to fixing what Zim causes?

Because I'm the only one who can stop him--no, I'm the only one who cares about stopping him. Everyone else is just content to let him to do whatever he wants. No one at home, on Earth, across all timelines... no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find a single person who ever cared other than me about this.

[And then, he reaches a hand up to tap the PAK against his head.]

And that includes taking responsibility for this. No matter how much I try to deny or hate it... I've changed to be just like him in some ways... so that means... I'm also a "Zim" that will inevitably need to be erased someday too, doesn't it?

So you have to do it. That's...wow.

[She couldn't imagine why no one would want to help Zi-no, Dib, stop Zim from causing harm to the world. Didn't people pay attention to things like that? Wasn't it one of the few things the government was supposed to be aimed at preventing?

Why? You don't want to destroy everything or enslave anyone! If you've gained any aspects from Zim, I can safely say you adapted them to work with your own personality! Why would you think you're more Zim than you?

[At that, Zib suddenly starts laughing. Hard, in fact, as if that is truly the funniest thing he's ever heard in his life--a laugh that sounds more like how Zim would have when he was still alive than how Dib would, and it takes a moment before he can speak properly again--]

That's funny. Really funny! I mean--just look at me, Luz. I don't even look that human these days.

[He says, and that's when he uses the second pair of arms he's had sprung from his torso recently, sickly green, to gesture to his face--his greenish gray skin color, weird teeth and tongue, lack of a human nose or ears... before his amusement appears to die a short death, going back to frustration again.]

So who's to say that I won't just become him entirely someday? That whatever part of me that's still human won't also change until I'm just a carbon copy of Zim? That's why I need to make sure... that once I've gotten rid of him from every timeline, I have to take myself off the playing field too before that happens and renders everything I did pointless.

What do looks have to do with it? Do you think most of us look the same as we did back home? I know I don't! I used to be more naive, I used to not know what death was like up close! Things change, life changes, you get over it! More often than not, that means redefining the you that you are now.

[She gave Zib a long look].

You are NOT Zim. I heard Zim, saw him. If anything, the reason you're not him is because of how much of yourself you give to make sure what he is and represents doesn't hurt other people. That's about the most unZim thing you could be if I had to make an estimation. If finding him is frustrating, I can agree. he seems like a very frustrating person. But I won't have you saying that you're going to be anything close to him other than looking less like Dib. You're still you, no matter what!

[As it turns out, this was something Luz had had to struggle with herself].

You... you really think so?

[For a moment, Zib actually seems taken aback, clearly not having expected Luz to defend him like that. He's not used to anyone speaking positively of him, for that matter, and for a moment, it keeps what little hope he had from completely fading away in the presence of the butterfly still looming nearby as he looks down, eyes beginning to water a little.]

Everyone back home hated me... even the other version of me thought that I wasn't really human anymore. That I was too much like Zim to be seen as anything else.

[He's actually not referring to the skeleton nearby, but he doesn't clarify that as he reaches up to swipe at his face miserably.]

But that's... that's really nice of you to say. It's kind of a relief, that there's at least one person who doesn't think that about me.

Yes. I really do.

[Sure, there were questionable things that he did. Luz could see that every world wasn't the same: some had people that listened, some had dystopia, and some? Some worlds were full of the apathetic, people that were perfectly fine having other people suffer so long as it was not them. She could envision a world that had someone as crazy as Zim take it over, because in her world, she saw it. It wasn't surprising that someone like Dib would be pushed to the extremes, because the only other option was seeing his world destroyed].

Well that's him and that's them. What matters is how you see your own self, isn't it? You're the only one you need to answer for, and you're trying to save your worlds. At least you're around people who're also as dedicated to saving lives as you are.

[She was sure a lot of people here did feel that way even if not all of them did].

Most of the people in that house care about you, Zib. I'm pretty confident in saying it's not only me.

[At that, Zib manages a small smile.]

Thank you, Luz. That really means a lot to me... I really appreciate--

[And then he pauses, before he turns to glare suddenly at the skeleton.]

--Hey, we're having a nice moment here. Stop trying to interrupt with your negativity, no one wants to hear it right now.

[Guess he still has... that to deal with, but at least he seems to be trying not to listen to whatever it's saying now.]

I mean every last word too.

[And she did! Too bad it was ruined by...internal monologuing dead Dib]?

Yeah, don't give us any negativity, dead Dib! I'm dropping some knowledge that's truthful!

... Hang on, I've got an idea.

[Zib looks around them for a moment, until he spots a blanket he was using to keep warm while sitting outside... and proceeds to take it and throw it onto the skeleton to cover it, putting it out of view.

... Because that's totally a way to deal with one's problems: throw a blanket over it!]

There. Now he has to stay under there until he can contribute more meaningful insights to the conversation.

[Ok, with most people, they would have pointed out that this was not an effective way to deal with one's demons and that postponing things like this was just putting off necessary self-reflection.

Fortunately for Zib, Luz has periods where she does this very thing! So she's not going to comment on that. Besides, Luz had been doing her best to get him out of the influence of the butterflies, and it worked]!

I don't know if I'd like seeing a dead version of me trying to tell me about my faults. The last time THAT happened, it was pretty messed up."

Yup, having a jaded version of herself die in front of her was totally not traumatizing and definitely did not happen at a time when Luz was already feeling vulnerable and disconnected, no indeed]!

You've had that happen before too?

[Good to know that dealing with a dead version of yourself is not... a mutually exclusive thing to him?]

Yeah. Back in the old town we wound up in. I think Varian or Dipper might have been with me when it happened, the memory's hazy when nightmares on nightmares happen and the people who see them blur. The trauma though? That comes in clear.

[It sounded a tad dramatic, but Luz meant every word].

Back there there was an older, jaded me. She forgot how to be anything like who I was. She was half crazy with disdain and, well, longing. She knew she lost her way, saw me, and was jealous.

At the time, I was scared that I might be like her, that I'd forget who I was and just be bitter and barely living.

[Now, she knew better. Now she understood that becoming like that was all about the decisions you made, and how much you thought they actually mattered].

Oh...

[For a moment, he wonders if maybe that right there was the exact reason the other Dib he met before arriving in Trench had ultimately turned on him: because Zib was the jaded, bitter, jealous one in comparison to them.

And maybe Dib had actually been afraid of turning out to be like Zib someday too, like how Luz had been afraid of that other version of herself she described.]

[Luz noticed that look and was concerned].

Penny for your thoughts, Zib.

[He hesitates for a moment, before he relents.]

I was just thinking... that I might understand how both of you felt. You and the other one that you described, I think. That maybe I'm the one who has been jealous this whole time. At least, based on my own interactions with other versions of me.

Is that bad?

Not really.

I admit I felt pretty reluctant to be anything like that older version of me, but at the same time? She existed to serve the purpose of keeping the Sleepers safe, even if meant warping her a little bit. You, you're trying to make the world safer without having Zim be a threat to it. That means getting closer to him in a way you might not want, but its still admirable.

Of course you might feel jealous that other version of you got to stay "untouched." You had to go through things he'll never know.

Yeah, exactly.

[A pause, before he gives one of those self-deprecating smiles of his.]

Maybe if we're lucky, the one I met that's still alive won't end up like me now that he's gotta know what kind of future he might have.

[Luz was beginning to understand Zib a little more, and now she wanted to make sure that he valued himself as much as he ought to. It was hard, to go to a world where your very own purpose was thrown into question.

Oh boy. That smile looked way too familiar].

That's his own timeline. If I know you, you don't get to have that luxury, and you have your own goals to worry about.

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you're never coming back

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cw: suicidal ideation

Re: cw: suicidal ideation

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