when nothing you do matters | April Catch-All

[slayerskiss]

Who: Faith + assorted others.
What: Catch-all for the month of april.
When: April (and late march in one of them)
Where: Clochouse mostly. But also all over.

Content Warnings: vampire killing, talk of mass murder, awkward third wheeling.

Comments

[frogfear]

He's a pretty private person. He has his reasons, but he's trying. And he's trying harder now that he knows what might happen if he doesn't. That's got to count for something.

[Faith asks if she killed Warren, and Willow draws a sharp breath and nods.]

Yeah... I tracked him down and killed him. And this... magic dealer guy he went to for help. I would've killed the other two too, if it hadn't been for everyone trying to stop me.

[It still feels like the tip of the iceberg of her crimes in Sunnydale.]

[slayerskiss]

[She can imagine everyone trying to convince her not to do this, for her own good, telling her how she should feel, telling her to stop before she loses herself. It might even be true. Still not really their right.

She grimaces.] Right. I'm sure that worked out great.

I don't know the other two. But, I think you had a right to decide what to do with Warren at least, after what he did to Tara.

[She knows she'd do the same, if someone laid a hand on Tara. Or Willow. Or Buffy, across the ocean in the faraway lands of Sunnydale.] ...Do you think it's different? To killing vampires, I mean?

D'you think it... changed you? The way they always think it should?

[frogfear]

[Willow nods a little. She knows Faith probably understands better than anyone how being talked at - being told not to do something, even though it's all you really want in the moment - is enough to make anyone want to double down.]

That's... kind of what led to the almost destroying the world thing. I did a lot of damage. I don't ever want to end up in that kind of place again.

[Fueled by rage, and grief, and magic. She can remember how it felt - nothing mattered aside from killing Warren, no matter who she had to go through or hurt to do it. Then choosing to set her sights on the other Jonathan and Andrew as well, because they may not have pulled the trigger, but they were still complicit.

She leans back in her seat as Faith asks if it's the same as killing vampires, or if it changed her the way everyone would have expected it to, quiet and contemplative. She remembers telling Giles she just wanted to be Willow, and him assuring her that she still was, no matter how much she seemed to have changed.]

Killing Warren wasn't really like killing a vampire. Or even like killing Rack. He hurt a lot of people too.

[She's never felt guilt over dusting a vampire, nor does she carry much guilt for Rack. He may have been human at one time, before being twisted by dark magic, but she's not sure he was entirely by the end.]

But I wasn't exactly thinking straight either, and I think that changes things a little too? But yeah. It, uh, definitely had an effect on me.

[slayerskiss]

[She smiles thinly in recognition. It's a familiar feeling. She goes quiet and considers her own circumstances. Her own feelings on killing. She'd be lying if she said she felt no guilt. She felt a lot of guilt, sure. But the actual collission itself, the begging and shock in his eyes, the feeling of plunging a stake into his chest.

It felt the same. The guilt came when she realized. When Buffy realized and saw Faith for what she really was for the first time. But the thrill felt the same, and that's what scared her.]

You won't. End up in that place again, I mean. [She shrugs, trying to be nonchalant.] I'll pull you away from the edge if you need me to.

[It's a serious oath to make, disguised as an offhand remark. She means it too. Come hell or highwater. She'd do the same for Angel.]

I guess I just sort of wonder... Buffy said we were made to kill demons. But our instincts are honed for killing anything. Anyone. I couldn't even tell the difference until... [She frowns, looking down at her lap, suddenly unsure of herself.]

What made you stop?

[frogfear]

[It's appreciated, Faith's promise to keep her grounded if need be, and she nods with a little smile.]

Thanks. I'd do the same for you too.

[Or at least she'd try. In a place like Trench where monsters, or the world itself can influence behaviour, Willow is well aware that trying to stop any of them from falling victim to darkness could be an exceptionally difficult, if not impossible task.

She takes a deep breath as Faith brings up her first human kill, and that it had not been an intentional murder. Years later, as much as everything had changed, it's easier to recognize what a difficult situation it must have been for her.]

It was an accident, Faith - a horrible one, but still an accident. We... probably could have handled it better too.

[Would it have changed anything ultimately, Willow's not sure, but the acknowledgement feels important.]

Umm... It was Xander. I was gonna destroy the whole world. Giles had turned up with, um, magic given to him by this coven in Devon. I took it from him - which, I guess, he knew I'd do, and I could feel everything. All the pain everyone in the world was feeling. That, um. Wasn't part of his plan.

But Xander turned up, and talked me down. He reminded me who I was.