deercountry | when nothing you do matters

[It's been a few days since Tara, Faith and Willow all crawled out of the ruins together. The whole experience was a nightmare from the start, but all of it paled in comparison to having their worst secrets ripped out of them by... whatever that was. The abyss.

She invited Willow back to the bar that they tended to meet at back before Willow was murdered by Darth Maul, she wasn't sure how welcome she'd be if she did what she used to do and swung by the house unprompted.

Willow would have a right to be mad. Faith probably also would have a right to be mad. Tara definitely has a right to be mad. At... both of them, really. But still. Of course she wouldn't understand. She's never gone off the deep end.

Faith can. God, she really, really can. There's a bitter irony in that, for both of them, she thinks.

She nurses her drink - non-alcoholic, she's slowing down in her old age - and waits for Willow to show.]

[Trapped in the catacombs had felt like an impossibly long time, and it had been an exhausting, horrifying experience. Even days later, Willow doesn't feel fully recovered, nor does she feel fully prepared to face either Faith or Tara just yet.

The invitation comes as a bit of a surprise - she fully expected all of them to avoid each other a little longer. However, Faith, she suspects, can understand far better than Tara will. It's what drives her to accept in the first place, instead of looking for an excuse to stay away.

Willow arrives not long after Faith does, and slides quietly into the booth across from her. It would be easy to rise to anger, under the circumstances. Faith had lashed out at her, Tara revealed that she trusts Faith more than anyone, and that was why she chose to stay there, which still hurts. Even with Faith's immediate apology when she broke down, Willow is still unsure where she really stands with either of them, or where Faith and Tara stand with each other. It's impossible not to let the insecurity show as she fiddles with the drink menu, trying to figure out what to say.]

Hey...

Hey, Will.

[Faith nods, still a bit awkward. Because, really, it's always a bit awkward between them. This just adds to it. It's one more awkward piece in the bizarre jenga tower that makes up their relationship.

Normally, Faith would resort to any number of subjects to divert from anything serious. Now even that feels weird. Weirder, maybe, than just being honest. She shifts in her seat, resting a hand on the table.]

Feels like there's probably some shit we should talk about. Clear the air, y'know? [And then with only a little hesitation she continues with a sigh. God, this is nerve wracking. The only people back home who's opinions mattered to her were Buffy and Angel, she's not sure when Willow came to fit in that group. And she wonders, internally, if it's a sentiment that's even slightly returned.]

...I already apologized for the whole... lashing out shit, so I'm not going to go back to my catholic roots and uh, just keep apologizing. But I do want to say that... it was just the giant hole in the wall getting in my head, making me focus on the things I was afraid were lacking in me. I get it. Tara might not, but you know I do.

I know.

[It's said with a small nod, and a quiet, understanding tone. Willow gets it, she does, and she knows Faith is right about needing to clear the air between them. It's weird and awkward enough in light of Tara's confession, and the fact that she's been living with Faith since Willow was killed, maybe talking it out can relieve at least some of the issues between them.]

That thing - the hole, or whatever it was - it got into all of our heads, and made us say stuff. You know, stuff we didn't really want to say. Or not the way we wanted to say it, or where. You don't have to apologize.

[She sighs. This really isn't getting any easier, so she may as well just come out with her explanation.]

I meant to tell her. And you too. It's just... hard, you know? I knew Tara was already dealing with a lot just by coming here, and knowing what happened to her, and she seemed to be having a really hard time with a lot of stuff. It didn't seem fair to pile more on her. And then it didn't feel right to tell you without telling her, and it was all just... you know. A big mess.

[She nods. It's fair. It'd be fair if Willow was angry, it'd be fair if she never wanted to tell her. She does feel... a little glimmer of jealous pride that Willow would have entrusted the secret to Faith without as much issue. It's petty, and stupid, and selfish, but she feels it anyway.

She lets out a sigh.]

She meant to tell you too, eventually. She said as much anyway. [She frowns. She understands. She understands all the guilt that runs through Tara's veins, and Willow's. Tara feels like she's a strain on her relationships just for existing, like she was happier when she was dead, and Faith... understands. Willow is a murderer, who burnt as many bridges as she could find, and wanted to share her pain with as many people as possible, dragging them down with her.

Faith understands.] I told her to tell you, for the record. Or Ozpin. I can't help her. Can't... save her, or whatever it is she needs. I think that's part of why she comes to me, 'cuz she knows I won't be able to do anything for her, and she didn't want to burden anyone else with it.

[She grimaces slightly.] It's a bitch of a situation.

I don't hold it against you, that you didn't tell me. [Maybe she should. But she won't. She'd be an idiot. It's not like she'd confided in her friends at any point in Sunnydale.] ...I don't think either of us are doomed.

[The reassurances help a little, and some of the tension eases out of Willow's shoulders as she listens quietly. It's hard to hold secret keeping against Tara in light of some of the things she has neglected to share herself. She does believe they both had the best of intentions. Everything is just... complicated.]

I haven't figured out anything that'll help yet, aside from, you know, trying to talk her through it. So maybe you're helping more than you think.

[Willow sighs. She's unsure she can be of much help to Tara either at this point. They haven't spoken since the catacombs, and given Tara's reluctance to talk about it in the first place, maybe she's not the best person to help.]

I'm going to try the Archives, though. Maybe there'll be something there. It's worth a try.

[She mulls over Faith's assurance that she doesn't think either of them are really doomed. Giles didn't think she was either, or he never would have helped her recover. Nor did John, or Ozpin when she had told them what happened at home.]

I don't think so either. We just gotta, you know, keep moving forward, I guess.

[Faith considers that, shifting uncomfortably. She doesn't feel like she's helping, she feels like she's part of the problem. Faith is cruel, and she lashes out. That's a fundamental part of her personality she figured out at the ripe old age of... eight, when she started taking her aunt's abuses out on her cousins. And she feels like she's hurting Willow the longer this continues.]

...I don't want to do it without you. You know how I am, I'm not fuckin'... gentle or caring or whatever, which helps sometimes but I don't want to hurt her. Or you.

[She means it too. She's terrified that she will, terrified that she already has. Willow might be almost as fucked up as she is, but Faith's still relied on her to point her in the right direction.] I mentioned bits and pieces of it to Qrow, he said Ozpin might be able to help, said that Ozpin's used to dealing with shitty powers. And the Doc might be able to help out too. He's got all sorts of shit he's been experimenting with.

["The Doc" being God of course. She's not sure how trustworthy he is, she wasn't born yesterday, but she doesn't believe he'd deliberately screw over Faith and Willow like that. Dangerous or not, he's a friend.]

[Willow is quiet for a long moment, contemplative. If she was unsure where she stood with Tara after her death, and Tara choosing to remain with Faith instead of coming home upon her return, she is even more unsure where they stand after their confessions in the catacombs.]

I'm not sure she even wants my help.

[It's said softly on the breath of an unhappy sigh. Is Faith really the person she wants to voice her insecurities to? There was a time that it was a hard no, but Willow suspects now that Faith probably understands better than a lot of people would.

She dismisses the thought with a shake of her head, deciding instead to put her focus on the problem at hand.]

Ozpin already knows about her power. His theory is, because it's Trench, that it's something she has to figure out for herself instead of something we can, you know, fix for her. I don't think either one of us has much of a chance of convincing her to talk to a necromancer who won't even tell us what his real name is for help.

[Faith just blinks at that, her mouth is open to say that of course she does. But really, it's probably true. Then Faith frowns and lets out an irritable huff. Why does she have to be the go-between? She's so unprepared to be in this position. She's not Angel, or Diana.]

Yeah, well. She doesn't want me to help either. She doesn't even want to be alive, Will.

[Faith's frown deepens at the mention of Ozpin's theory. She scoffs and sips her drink. She's surprised that she's disappointed by the reveal that Ozpin will be about as helpful as an actual Watcher. Maybe it's a british thing. Qrow was so earnest in his trust, she'd kind of wanted to believe him.]

Yeah, of course that's his theory. 'Cuz it worked so well for him when he was one bad day away from pouncing on Ange. 'Just keep a lid on it and it'll all go away, surely.' [Like she can talk. Faith would rather cut off her own arm than ask anyone for help nine times out of ten, but to her credit she's not insisting on other people stewing in it. Still. Willow's right about the Doctor. Faith stares at her drink, lost.] ...I don't know what to do.

[What would Angel do? What would Buffy? Both of them tried to save her and she just chose to plundge herself into the abyss.]

[Willow nods in acknowledgement. They had gone through this with Buffy, after all, just Trench isn't half as pleasant a place to come back to as Sunnydale, especially given Tara hardly really knew anyone here when she first came to shore.

Buffy eventually found a reason to keep carrying on, hopefully Tara will too.]

I don't think Ozpin meant she should try just ignoring it and hope it goes away, but that even if we find an answer for something that might help, she's gotta be the one to do it and put the work in. Maybe it's not something we can do for her, you know?

[She lets out a sigh. She suspects Ozpin is right in that it's probably not going to be an easy solution, and it's hard not to worry about the risk of corruption in light of Tara's confession.]

I don't know what to do either. I think we just kind of have to be there for her. Or maybe help her make sure she feels connected to this world too? I don't know.

[She sighs, and nods. She wants to argue that they could be doing more, that they should be doing more. But Faith also knows with experience what it's like for everyone around you to see you teetering on the edge of the abyss and crowding in around you telling you how to fix yourself.]

...I know. That's sort of the trouble I've been having, getting her to acknowledge it. I mean, Trench loves to force the issue, but... I don't know. She's scared.

You'd think having been in her position would help, but not really. [Probably because Tara isn't cruel like Faith is.

She downs her drink and slumps against her chair, exhausted. She'd trusted Willow to point her in a direction, give an order and she'd follow it. Willow was Buffy's best friend, and in their last confrontation in Sunnydale, she made it clear that she saw all of Faith's flaws and found her lacking. Willow was the only one she trusted to know what to do.

That blind faith is gone and the pedestal has been well and truly shattered. She thinks she likes Willow more now without it.]

...Do you want to talk about the thing that you spilled down there? No judgement, you know I'd have done the same and then some.

[Willow nods, and is quiet for a few long moments, considering Faith's words. It's difficult not to worry about corruption, especially after everything they've been through, if Tara is refusing to even acknowledge her struggles to Faith.]

I gotta admit, I kind of worry what's going to happen if she keeps letting it fester. I mean, especially after what happened with Oz. I don't know how to help though if she doesn't, you know, wanna talk to anyone about it, but I don't think we're going to do any good by trying to make her talk about it either.

[She's not sure what to do about it herself either. Forcing the issue with Tara doesn't feel like a viable option, and will probably make the situation worse. Besides, after everything that happened in the catacombs, maybe it's best to give her some time and space to work out what she wants.

There's a long pause as Faith asks about her confession in the catacombs. Does she really want to talk about it? Not at all, even with the reassurance that she won't find any judgement from Faith. Does not wanting to get it out in the open feel particularly hypocritical when they're trying to figure out what to do about Tara's problem? Absolutely.

She sighs.]

I dunno how much Tara told you about what happened in Sunnydale before she... You know. I got too deep into magic. We broke up over it for a little while. Dawn got hurt because of me, so I tried to stop. Things went really well for a little while, Tara and I started talking again, and we got back together.

Then Warren showed up. He was part of this trio of geeky guys who wanted to be, like, comic book villains. He tried to shoot Buffy, but he hit Tara instead.

[Willow pauses and takes a deep breath.]

I just... I lost control of myself - and the magic.

JUST LIKE YOU (Willow) - Backdated to late march.

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HOME IS WITH THE HEART (Clockhouse + Friends) - April

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