deercountry | when nothing you do matters

I know.

[It's said with a small nod, and a quiet, understanding tone. Willow gets it, she does, and she knows Faith is right about needing to clear the air between them. It's weird and awkward enough in light of Tara's confession, and the fact that she's been living with Faith since Willow was killed, maybe talking it out can relieve at least some of the issues between them.]

That thing - the hole, or whatever it was - it got into all of our heads, and made us say stuff. You know, stuff we didn't really want to say. Or not the way we wanted to say it, or where. You don't have to apologize.

[She sighs. This really isn't getting any easier, so she may as well just come out with her explanation.]

I meant to tell her. And you too. It's just... hard, you know? I knew Tara was already dealing with a lot just by coming here, and knowing what happened to her, and she seemed to be having a really hard time with a lot of stuff. It didn't seem fair to pile more on her. And then it didn't feel right to tell you without telling her, and it was all just... you know. A big mess.

[She nods. It's fair. It'd be fair if Willow was angry, it'd be fair if she never wanted to tell her. She does feel... a little glimmer of jealous pride that Willow would have entrusted the secret to Faith without as much issue. It's petty, and stupid, and selfish, but she feels it anyway.

She lets out a sigh.]

She meant to tell you too, eventually. She said as much anyway. [She frowns. She understands. She understands all the guilt that runs through Tara's veins, and Willow's. Tara feels like she's a strain on her relationships just for existing, like she was happier when she was dead, and Faith... understands. Willow is a murderer, who burnt as many bridges as she could find, and wanted to share her pain with as many people as possible, dragging them down with her.

Faith understands.] I told her to tell you, for the record. Or Ozpin. I can't help her. Can't... save her, or whatever it is she needs. I think that's part of why she comes to me, 'cuz she knows I won't be able to do anything for her, and she didn't want to burden anyone else with it.

[She grimaces slightly.] It's a bitch of a situation.

I don't hold it against you, that you didn't tell me. [Maybe she should. But she won't. She'd be an idiot. It's not like she'd confided in her friends at any point in Sunnydale.] ...I don't think either of us are doomed.

[The reassurances help a little, and some of the tension eases out of Willow's shoulders as she listens quietly. It's hard to hold secret keeping against Tara in light of some of the things she has neglected to share herself. She does believe they both had the best of intentions. Everything is just... complicated.]

I haven't figured out anything that'll help yet, aside from, you know, trying to talk her through it. So maybe you're helping more than you think.

[Willow sighs. She's unsure she can be of much help to Tara either at this point. They haven't spoken since the catacombs, and given Tara's reluctance to talk about it in the first place, maybe she's not the best person to help.]

I'm going to try the Archives, though. Maybe there'll be something there. It's worth a try.

[She mulls over Faith's assurance that she doesn't think either of them are really doomed. Giles didn't think she was either, or he never would have helped her recover. Nor did John, or Ozpin when she had told them what happened at home.]

I don't think so either. We just gotta, you know, keep moving forward, I guess.

[Faith considers that, shifting uncomfortably. She doesn't feel like she's helping, she feels like she's part of the problem. Faith is cruel, and she lashes out. That's a fundamental part of her personality she figured out at the ripe old age of... eight, when she started taking her aunt's abuses out on her cousins. And she feels like she's hurting Willow the longer this continues.]

...I don't want to do it without you. You know how I am, I'm not fuckin'... gentle or caring or whatever, which helps sometimes but I don't want to hurt her. Or you.

[She means it too. She's terrified that she will, terrified that she already has. Willow might be almost as fucked up as she is, but Faith's still relied on her to point her in the right direction.] I mentioned bits and pieces of it to Qrow, he said Ozpin might be able to help, said that Ozpin's used to dealing with shitty powers. And the Doc might be able to help out too. He's got all sorts of shit he's been experimenting with.

["The Doc" being God of course. She's not sure how trustworthy he is, she wasn't born yesterday, but she doesn't believe he'd deliberately screw over Faith and Willow like that. Dangerous or not, he's a friend.]

[Willow is quiet for a long moment, contemplative. If she was unsure where she stood with Tara after her death, and Tara choosing to remain with Faith instead of coming home upon her return, she is even more unsure where they stand after their confessions in the catacombs.]

I'm not sure she even wants my help.

[It's said softly on the breath of an unhappy sigh. Is Faith really the person she wants to voice her insecurities to? There was a time that it was a hard no, but Willow suspects now that Faith probably understands better than a lot of people would.

She dismisses the thought with a shake of her head, deciding instead to put her focus on the problem at hand.]

Ozpin already knows about her power. His theory is, because it's Trench, that it's something she has to figure out for herself instead of something we can, you know, fix for her. I don't think either one of us has much of a chance of convincing her to talk to a necromancer who won't even tell us what his real name is for help.

[Faith just blinks at that, her mouth is open to say that of course she does. But really, it's probably true. Then Faith frowns and lets out an irritable huff. Why does she have to be the go-between? She's so unprepared to be in this position. She's not Angel, or Diana.]

Yeah, well. She doesn't want me to help either. She doesn't even want to be alive, Will.

[Faith's frown deepens at the mention of Ozpin's theory. She scoffs and sips her drink. She's surprised that she's disappointed by the reveal that Ozpin will be about as helpful as an actual Watcher. Maybe it's a british thing. Qrow was so earnest in his trust, she'd kind of wanted to believe him.]

Yeah, of course that's his theory. 'Cuz it worked so well for him when he was one bad day away from pouncing on Ange. 'Just keep a lid on it and it'll all go away, surely.' [Like she can talk. Faith would rather cut off her own arm than ask anyone for help nine times out of ten, but to her credit she's not insisting on other people stewing in it. Still. Willow's right about the Doctor. Faith stares at her drink, lost.] ...I don't know what to do.

[What would Angel do? What would Buffy? Both of them tried to save her and she just chose to plundge herself into the abyss.]

[Willow nods in acknowledgement. They had gone through this with Buffy, after all, just Trench isn't half as pleasant a place to come back to as Sunnydale, especially given Tara hardly really knew anyone here when she first came to shore.

Buffy eventually found a reason to keep carrying on, hopefully Tara will too.]

I don't think Ozpin meant she should try just ignoring it and hope it goes away, but that even if we find an answer for something that might help, she's gotta be the one to do it and put the work in. Maybe it's not something we can do for her, you know?

[She lets out a sigh. She suspects Ozpin is right in that it's probably not going to be an easy solution, and it's hard not to worry about the risk of corruption in light of Tara's confession.]

I don't know what to do either. I think we just kind of have to be there for her. Or maybe help her make sure she feels connected to this world too? I don't know.

[She sighs, and nods. She wants to argue that they could be doing more, that they should be doing more. But Faith also knows with experience what it's like for everyone around you to see you teetering on the edge of the abyss and crowding in around you telling you how to fix yourself.]

...I know. That's sort of the trouble I've been having, getting her to acknowledge it. I mean, Trench loves to force the issue, but... I don't know. She's scared.

You'd think having been in her position would help, but not really. [Probably because Tara isn't cruel like Faith is.

She downs her drink and slumps against her chair, exhausted. She'd trusted Willow to point her in a direction, give an order and she'd follow it. Willow was Buffy's best friend, and in their last confrontation in Sunnydale, she made it clear that she saw all of Faith's flaws and found her lacking. Willow was the only one she trusted to know what to do.

That blind faith is gone and the pedestal has been well and truly shattered. She thinks she likes Willow more now without it.]

...Do you want to talk about the thing that you spilled down there? No judgement, you know I'd have done the same and then some.

[Willow nods, and is quiet for a few long moments, considering Faith's words. It's difficult not to worry about corruption, especially after everything they've been through, if Tara is refusing to even acknowledge her struggles to Faith.]

I gotta admit, I kind of worry what's going to happen if she keeps letting it fester. I mean, especially after what happened with Oz. I don't know how to help though if she doesn't, you know, wanna talk to anyone about it, but I don't think we're going to do any good by trying to make her talk about it either.

[She's not sure what to do about it herself either. Forcing the issue with Tara doesn't feel like a viable option, and will probably make the situation worse. Besides, after everything that happened in the catacombs, maybe it's best to give her some time and space to work out what she wants.

There's a long pause as Faith asks about her confession in the catacombs. Does she really want to talk about it? Not at all, even with the reassurance that she won't find any judgement from Faith. Does not wanting to get it out in the open feel particularly hypocritical when they're trying to figure out what to do about Tara's problem? Absolutely.

She sighs.]

I dunno how much Tara told you about what happened in Sunnydale before she... You know. I got too deep into magic. We broke up over it for a little while. Dawn got hurt because of me, so I tried to stop. Things went really well for a little while, Tara and I started talking again, and we got back together.

Then Warren showed up. He was part of this trio of geeky guys who wanted to be, like, comic book villains. He tried to shoot Buffy, but he hit Tara instead.

[Willow pauses and takes a deep breath.]

I just... I lost control of myself - and the magic.

...Yeah. Well. It's not like Oz willingly confided in anyone. Problem only got better because you told him confiding in you was the only solution. But I get what you're saying.

[Magic addiction. Faith knows addicts. Knows addiction, kinda, though it's a bit different to magic. From what Tara said, she thinks Buffy's own addiction was more aligned with hers. But hurting Dawn rings familiar.

Hopefully hurting Dawn doesn't translate to holding her hostage in this context.

She wishes she could have been there to protect Buffy and Tara. Some predatory and possessive part of her considers them both hers, in a fucked up way. The idea of any whiny nerds hurting either of them makes Faith understand Willow's immediate rage all the more.]

Did you kill him? Warren, I mean?

Edited 2022-05-07 11:29 (UTC)

He's a pretty private person. He has his reasons, but he's trying. And he's trying harder now that he knows what might happen if he doesn't. That's got to count for something.

[Faith asks if she killed Warren, and Willow draws a sharp breath and nods.]

Yeah... I tracked him down and killed him. And this... magic dealer guy he went to for help. I would've killed the other two too, if it hadn't been for everyone trying to stop me.

[It still feels like the tip of the iceberg of her crimes in Sunnydale.]

[She can imagine everyone trying to convince her not to do this, for her own good, telling her how she should feel, telling her to stop before she loses herself. It might even be true. Still not really their right.

She grimaces.] Right. I'm sure that worked out great.

I don't know the other two. But, I think you had a right to decide what to do with Warren at least, after what he did to Tara.

[She knows she'd do the same, if someone laid a hand on Tara. Or Willow. Or Buffy, across the ocean in the faraway lands of Sunnydale.] ...Do you think it's different? To killing vampires, I mean?

D'you think it... changed you? The way they always think it should?

[Willow nods a little. She knows Faith probably understands better than anyone how being talked at - being told not to do something, even though it's all you really want in the moment - is enough to make anyone want to double down.]

That's... kind of what led to the almost destroying the world thing. I did a lot of damage. I don't ever want to end up in that kind of place again.

[Fueled by rage, and grief, and magic. She can remember how it felt - nothing mattered aside from killing Warren, no matter who she had to go through or hurt to do it. Then choosing to set her sights on the other Jonathan and Andrew as well, because they may not have pulled the trigger, but they were still complicit.

She leans back in her seat as Faith asks if it's the same as killing vampires, or if it changed her the way everyone would have expected it to, quiet and contemplative. She remembers telling Giles she just wanted to be Willow, and him assuring her that she still was, no matter how much she seemed to have changed.]

Killing Warren wasn't really like killing a vampire. Or even like killing Rack. He hurt a lot of people too.

[She's never felt guilt over dusting a vampire, nor does she carry much guilt for Rack. He may have been human at one time, before being twisted by dark magic, but she's not sure he was entirely by the end.]

But I wasn't exactly thinking straight either, and I think that changes things a little too? But yeah. It, uh, definitely had an effect on me.

[She smiles thinly in recognition. It's a familiar feeling. She goes quiet and considers her own circumstances. Her own feelings on killing. She'd be lying if she said she felt no guilt. She felt a lot of guilt, sure. But the actual collission itself, the begging and shock in his eyes, the feeling of plunging a stake into his chest.

It felt the same. The guilt came when she realized. When Buffy realized and saw Faith for what she really was for the first time. But the thrill felt the same, and that's what scared her.]

You won't. End up in that place again, I mean. [She shrugs, trying to be nonchalant.] I'll pull you away from the edge if you need me to.

[It's a serious oath to make, disguised as an offhand remark. She means it too. Come hell or highwater. She'd do the same for Angel.]

I guess I just sort of wonder... Buffy said we were made to kill demons. But our instincts are honed for killing anything. Anyone. I couldn't even tell the difference until... [She frowns, looking down at her lap, suddenly unsure of herself.]

What made you stop?

[It's appreciated, Faith's promise to keep her grounded if need be, and she nods with a little smile.]

Thanks. I'd do the same for you too.

[Or at least she'd try. In a place like Trench where monsters, or the world itself can influence behaviour, Willow is well aware that trying to stop any of them from falling victim to darkness could be an exceptionally difficult, if not impossible task.

She takes a deep breath as Faith brings up her first human kill, and that it had not been an intentional murder. Years later, as much as everything had changed, it's easier to recognize what a difficult situation it must have been for her.]

It was an accident, Faith - a horrible one, but still an accident. We... probably could have handled it better too.

[Would it have changed anything ultimately, Willow's not sure, but the acknowledgement feels important.]

Umm... It was Xander. I was gonna destroy the whole world. Giles had turned up with, um, magic given to him by this coven in Devon. I took it from him - which, I guess, he knew I'd do, and I could feel everything. All the pain everyone in the world was feeling. That, um. Wasn't part of his plan.

But Xander turned up, and talked me down. He reminded me who I was.

when nothing you do matters | April Catch-All

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