Anna Amarande (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hauntedsavior) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deercountry2022-05-07 10:53 am
hauntedsavior) wrote in deercountry2022-05-07 10:53 am
you can keep on getting better [open]
Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: May catchall
When: May
Where: A bar in Cellar Door, other locations to come
Content Warnings: Light alcohol use, conversations about humanity and murder, blood, vampirism
a. if you want, you can buy yourself a drink [at the bar]
[anna's made plans with a couple people to hang out this month. it's not a tense environment at all, and sometimes she can even be seen on the tiny little stage playing some chilled out bass grooves for the patrons. no concrete songs, really, mostly just improv for vibes. when she's not on stage, and most of the time she's not, she's nestled herself down into a booth down near the end. it's quiet, well-lit but not obtrusively so. people around here know her and know that that's basically her seat, so any conversations that happen there are as private as they're gonna get.]
[she's expecting a few people to show up as she nurses a beer that's so weak she might as well not be drinking anything at all. probably for the best that she's sober for these talks, whatever they end up bringing with them.]
Hey. Glad you could make it. [she tilts her drink at her guest.]
b. no you'll never drink like me [for kainé]
[there's always been a few problems with going out and hunting beasts, no matter how confident and comfortable it makes anna feel. no matter how many lives she saves, she's always putting herself at risk of corruption or injury or beasthood or all three, and one of these days it's gonna sneak up on her. all at once, extremely loudly and incredibly close.]
[anyway, when she comes back home this time, it's clear that she's been in better shape. she limps her way into the house, and she's at least cognizant enough to fix her roommate/girlfriend with a sheepish little look as she holds her side. the cloth there isn't dripping yet, but it's clear that it didn't start as red as it is now.]
Motherfucker out there got the best of me. [she's talking like she's not in pain, or like she's trying very hard to pretend she isn't.] I think I stopped most of the bleeding myself. Don't suppose we've got anything here that can help seal it up before I go to the doctor?
What: May catchall
When: May
Where: A bar in Cellar Door, other locations to come
Content Warnings: Light alcohol use, conversations about humanity and murder, blood, vampirism
a. if you want, you can buy yourself a drink [at the bar]
[anna's made plans with a couple people to hang out this month. it's not a tense environment at all, and sometimes she can even be seen on the tiny little stage playing some chilled out bass grooves for the patrons. no concrete songs, really, mostly just improv for vibes. when she's not on stage, and most of the time she's not, she's nestled herself down into a booth down near the end. it's quiet, well-lit but not obtrusively so. people around here know her and know that that's basically her seat, so any conversations that happen there are as private as they're gonna get.]
[she's expecting a few people to show up as she nurses a beer that's so weak she might as well not be drinking anything at all. probably for the best that she's sober for these talks, whatever they end up bringing with them.]
Hey. Glad you could make it. [she tilts her drink at her guest.]
b. no you'll never drink like me [for kainé]
[there's always been a few problems with going out and hunting beasts, no matter how confident and comfortable it makes anna feel. no matter how many lives she saves, she's always putting herself at risk of corruption or injury or beasthood or all three, and one of these days it's gonna sneak up on her. all at once, extremely loudly and incredibly close.]
[anyway, when she comes back home this time, it's clear that she's been in better shape. she limps her way into the house, and she's at least cognizant enough to fix her roommate/girlfriend with a sheepish little look as she holds her side. the cloth there isn't dripping yet, but it's clear that it didn't start as red as it is now.]
Motherfucker out there got the best of me. [she's talking like she's not in pain, or like she's trying very hard to pretend she isn't.] I think I stopped most of the bleeding myself. Don't suppose we've got anything here that can help seal it up before I go to the doctor?
cw: talk of dead family, past child abuse and suicidal ideation
But this part, at least, is easy to say. She doesn't have to think about it as much as everything else here. ]
I mean, she-- I don't think she'd do that again. [ Ange may not know everything about Sayo, but she knows enough to say this. It's not like the other is some mustache-twirling villain, after all. Ange understands that there's a lot of nuance to the way all of this went down, and that it means that Sayo won't just go around murdering random people here.
(Not unless the circumstances would change due to corruption, anyway - but they all run that risk, not just Sayo.)
She swallows, trying to explain at least some cotnext to Anna here. The other said she didn't have to, but.. it feels unfair to unload all of this on the other without at least providing this much. ]
What happened is.. my family went to a family conference each year back home. At the private island my grandfather and my oldest uncle and his direct family lived on. I always went along too, just like all my cousins, but when I was six years old, I was too sick to come with them. Mom and dad went there, along with my big brother and everyone else, but I was left behind with my grandfather from my mother's side of the family. But that year, they..
[ Ange suddenly stops, gritting her teeth. It looks like the girl is trying hard to not cry here. It feels so easy to let the tears flow, somewhere between the painful subject she's discussing here and the way Anna is holding her hand, but she doesn't want to cry. Not in at least semi-public. ]
.. they didn't come back. Something happened on the island, and everyone was killed. The only person who returned was my aunt Eva, who adopted me, but.. she hated me. She abused me, acting like I was nothing but the family's cattle. Whenever I asked her what had happened on the island, she always refused to tell me, and she'd just laugh at me or insult me. Everyone at school also relentlessly bullied me because they knew I didn't have any family to back me up. People tried to kill me so they could have my family's fortune that I was due to inherit after aunt Eva died..
[ Her voice grows more and more shakey until she truly can't stop the tears. Ange can't look at Anna as she feels them coming, instead staring at their joint hands. ]
I.. didn't have anyone in the world I could trust. I didn't have anyone in the world who cared even the tiniest bit about me. Every single day was so miserable, and I just really wanted to end it all so I didn't even have to endure one day more of that..
[ She shakes her head. ]
That's why I don't get it..! I don't understand why a place like this would put me and the person who caused all of that to happen to me in the same place.. I-It's too cruel!
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[anna squeezes ange's hand only a little tighter than usual. it's supposed to ground her. it's supposed to let her know that anna's here for her. because there's a lot in the story of her life that hums within anna's own chest, strings vibrating in sympathy with herself and each other. whether it's the abusive family or the return of the person who caused it all or, dare anna suggest, the survivor's guilt, it resonates.]
[she holds ange's hand the whole time. even as she takes a moment to just breathe and gather her words.]
It's so cruel. This place... it thrives on that cruelty. It takes the things we hate about ourselves and puts them on display. It makes us relive them.
[she's hesitant to say something else. after all, it doesn't apply to her. it only applies to a few other people she's known, people who have come here from other worlds in droves. people she can't relate to no matter how hard she tries. maybe that's why what she's about to say is something that comes out quieter. less sure of herself.]
But maybe there's the chance to confront these people, too. Maybe it's giving you the chance to stop tormenting yourself with questions you could never know the answer to, and letting you ask her directly. [her grip loosens. she doesn't know if this is the right thing to say, but she can't stop herself despite the way she closes her lips.] Maybe it's letting you finally ask why she did it, and why you were allowed to survive even after whatever happened.
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I know why she did it.
[ Or rather - she figures that she knows. She didn't even let the other explain, after all, because Ange already knew so much about those murders. She just missed that final puzzle piece to be able to put together who did it in the first place.
And now she knows. ]
Since I didn't have anything else to live for, I constantly researched the incident back home. I looked into everything. I thought that-- that as long as I'd find the truth, that I'd then feel better. That it would give me life.
[ She sniffs, using her free hand to rub at her eyes, like she's trying to get rid of the tears. It isn't really working though, since more are still forming. ]
But now I know the truth, it didn't help me at all. I just feel worse. It just makes everything feel even more unfair. [ For so many reasons. If not just because Ange finally left all of that behind. She finally decided to just live here.
And then - it was just as Anna says. This place makes you relive things. Just when she thought she outran her awful, awful past, it came right back around to smack her in the face. ]
I wish she never showed up here.
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I'm sorry. That she did, and that you have to live with it for so long. [it feels like a strange thing to say about someone that anna's planning to meet up with very, very soon. but she won't have to talk about that. she presses her fingers against ange's palm to try to tether her a little more.]
Even if she leaves you alone from now on, it's not going to change that she's still here, just in the background radiation of your life. Nothing can change that, and it's hard to know if it'll change back if she leaves, you know?
[the next thing she says, she realizes, needs to be carefully spoken. she won't relate this to herself, because how could she? it would be selfish, it would be stupid. she can't.]
But you don't have to relive this alone. You have me, you have Ruby. You have other people here, too, and the more people who know about what happened, the harder we'll all fight to keep you safe. [a beat.] I'm not telling you to confess it to the whole network or anything. But I am thanking you for trusting me with it.
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But there's no way to do that here. And constantly killing her every few days or so is beyond Ange. So she just tries to keep breathing slowly, even though every word of her own realisation being echoed back at her feels like she's being hit by a sledgehammer.
The last words, however, are a little easier.
Not entirely easy, since acknowledging people care about her will forever be a wild concept to Ange, but it's something a little more familiar at this point. ]
I.. [ She swallows again. ] Yeah. I know.
[ That's something she already realised, at least, with how many people came to check up on her when she disappeared from public life for a few weeks. ]
I'm not planning on making some announcement about it. There's no point to it. [ Especially when Ange thinks Sayo wouldn't necessarily kill people here more so than just about any other person in this place. ] Just.. letting my friends know is enough. Just so things don't get awkward. After all, it's a small town.
[ People come across each other a lot. There's got to be some overlap in their social circles at some point.
Even though it hurts to think about that too. ]
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You should know something.
[she slowly takes her hand back and raises her face towards ange. there's a weight to each movement that feels uncomfortable, like she isn't sure what's going to happen next. like this is going to be a disaster. but with a slow breath, she knows she shouldn't be hiding it. so she won't.]
I met Sayo at my friend Paul's party, and we've had a couple conversations since then. I'm inviting her to have drinks with me in a couple days so she can explain things. I don't want to find an excuse or justification for what she's done. [she doesn't know if sayo wants to find that excuse either, but saying that probably won't help right now.]
I just want to know for myself what could bring someone to do that.
cw: anxiety symptoms bordering on a panic attack
Her throat feels dry. It's like her breath is stuck inside of her throat, making it harder to feel like she's still actually getting any oxygen.
What Anna says isn't as bad as Ange expected, but.. it still comes close. ]
.. ah.
[ It feels harder to form any actual answer than that. If it's already hard to just breathe, then of course talking is even more difficult than that.
But she has to try. Force herself. She has to look normal, especially at a moment like this. If she shows that she's worried, then she's only going to drive people even further away, right? Especially when it already feels like her happy life here and her relationships could slip out of her hands at any given moment. ]
It's fine. [ Ange presses the nail of her thumb against the palm of her other hand, having no idea that she's pressing hard enough to draw glittery darkblood. ] You can do what you want. You don't have to tell me.
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[if she thinks that anna is going to let her get away with this, she has something else coming entirely. anna's almost silent, her eye scanning every part of her friend in turn while she reacts. the thing that draws her eye the most is the glitter of blood, and it's what turns the corners of her lips down and brings a stern, if genuine, tone to her voice.]
And you don't have to lie to me. [she is not angry, despite the look on her face, but she recognizes this behavior. and she doesn't want to encourage it, and if ange can't even be honest with anna, then... well. no second half to that statement for now.]
If it's actually fine, then that's fine. But if you have a problem with this, or with me, then I need you to say it, Ange. I don't want you to keep it inside of you because you're worried that it's going to cause problems. [if only someone had taken the time to say this to anna herself years ago.]
So please. Tell me if it's really fine.
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And then what?
[ It doesn't sound like she's snapping. Not the angry kind of snapping, anyway. Even though Ange's voice raises a little in volume as she's saying it, there's nothing terse about it. If anything, it just sounds desperate. ]
If I say I'm not okay with it, then what? You'll just feel bad for talking to her anyway, and it's not like I want to make you feel bad! [ After all, Anna is a friend. Ange might be petty to some people under the right circumstances, but she wants to do right by her friends. Especially after doing wrong by them really, really badly one time. ] And then you might just start disliking me for--
[ She pauses, seeming almost speechless for a moment as she shakes her head, trying her best not to start crying alongside this outpouring of emotion. ]
I don't know, for being weird and possessive!
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[she's still not angry, but the tension is clearly rising between them, isn't it? interesting. see, because it's the thing about ange expecting anna to start hating her that gets to her. she places her hands flat on the table and doesn't quite push herself out of her seat, but it would be easy for her to do it if she had to.]
This is about you. I don't need you to say what you think is going to stop us from having a fight. I need you to tell me the truth. Because keeping all that inside? [she presses the flat of one fist against her own chest. this is hypocritical of her to say, but she knows it is and she's ignoring it.] That's how you explode. That's how you keep hurting yourself until you can't stop yourself from hurting everyone else around you.
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And if Ange were in a more petty mood, she definitely would have pointed that out. But the last thing Anna says - about hurting the people around you.. It's what gets her to bite her tongue. Because Ange has been trying so hard to be a good person, to do right with both her regular actions and her magic, the way Maria would have wanted her to.
It makes it hurt even more. The insinuation that Ange would hurt the people would her. The way Anna is putting her hands on the table, like she's getting ready to leave.
Before she has the chance to do absolutely anything else, her eyes fill with tears in a way that's impossible for another to miss - and impossible for Ange to stop. ]
Then shouldn't it be obvious?! Of course it's not fine..!
[ Surely Anna must know that too. She isn't dumb. ]
How would you feel if the person who you ruined your life and caused all of your trauma showed up in this place and I told you that I was going to hang out with them? [ She forces the words out, but she can feel her throat getting tighter and tighter until the tears start to spill. ] Of course that hurts! You don't need me to tell you that!
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[she settles back into her seat and lets the sight of having driven ange to tears wash over her. to bring ange to this point was never what anna wanted to do with any of this, and now she has to deal with that reality. which means watching, and waiting, and trying to form her sentences and breathe. while she does that, while she tries to settle herself, she pulls her hands back. she's not leaving.]
No. I didn't need you to tell me that. But I needed you to say it out loud so you could let yourself feel it. [the way she says it makes her feel cruel. she leans forward, rests her arms on the table again.] I'm sorry. I don't know if this makes it better, but I'm not hanging out with her. I'm asking questions. I'm trying to hear her story and understand what happened. Same as you did.
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[ Ange furiously starts rubbing at her eyes with one of her sleeves, trying to dry her eyes despite the fact that the tears haven't stopped falling yet.
Which means it's very much a useless effort, and yet she still can't help but try all the same. She hates to be seen crying, after all. ]
I know that I always try to see like I don't care about anything, but of course I already felt that. [ It's not like Anna had to make her. After all-- ] It's constantly been present within me, ever since that confession. Every single day!
[ It might have gotten lighter, enough so for Ange to actually go out into the world again rather than just hole herself up in her room, but that doesn't mean it's gone. ]
I like awake in bed at night thinking about it! Just because I don't show something, doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. You know that too.
[ So right now - it just feels like getting it rubbed in. ]
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I do know that.
[she deserves to be yelled at for this, for trying to push ange too far without knowing how close to the precipice she really was.]
I'm sorry, Ange. I feel like a dickhead right now. Probably 'cause I'm being one. [she finally turns her head back. she's no longer reaching out to ange because she doesn't think her friend wants that right now.] I took it too far.
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It's just a crappy topic. It's just a crappy situation. This is exactly the reason why Ange hated the idea that she'd have to live in the same town now. That she might have to continue running into these moments, just because of that. Her normal happy life ruined.
Again. ]
I just want to pretend she doesn't exist. [ Maybe it's the one thing Ange can do.
Her voice is more quiet now, but obvious hurt and pain still lingers in it. ]
That's the only way I can live here anymore.
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[what else is there to say? she could try to explain herself. that might help. hopefully. maybe not, though! maybe she should just let it go and go on stage or something. but that's not... right. she can't leave ange like this.]
I didn't want to just not say something. I didn't want to keep another secret from you when I can see how much it already hurt when the first secret came out.
[she thinks, or at least hopes, that there will be some way to eventually reconcile things between the two of them. but she doubts it's ever going to be possible no matter how many steps anyone takes in any direction.]
I won't talk about her anywhere you can see or hear it. And if you need to not talk to me for a while, that's okay, too.
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[ There's a brief pause, but then Ange looks over at Anna and speaks up again. ]
I mean.. You said you were only going to ask her some questions. [ Which is still not great for Ange to think about, but at least she can acknowledge there that the sense of dread it induces inside of her heart is mostly just her overreacting, just trauma speaking more so than her actual brain. ]
Why would I avoid you over that?
[ Or over this conversation, for this matter. Sure, it was a little hurtful, but Ange is much worse. She's been verbally and physically drilled into the ground by absolutely everyone all her life, this is nothing in comparison.
Even though she can still feel that hurt right now, even though it's still visible in her eyes - it'll fade.
She hopes. ]
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I don't know, dude. I don't do well with stuff like this. I can avoid conflict, and I can cause conflict, but I'm pretty fucking bad at recovering from it. I mean, the last girl I pissed off, it took me a decade to make it better, and she doesn't even remember it, you know?
[don't make this about yourself, amaranth. god. what's wrong with you.]
People usually need time away from me when I do this shit. That's all I'm saying. So if you need it, you can take it. Just... don't hide yourself away forever.
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So she instead just exhales. ]
Anna.. It was one time. It's fine. I'm-- [ The word almost automatically comes out of her mouth, but then she remembers how red her eyes must still look in this moment, and Ange quickly shakes her head and corrects herself. ] I will be fine.
[ At least when it comes to this specific moment and its memory. ]
You're way too important of a friend to me for me to just start avoiding you because of this. [ Especially when - Ange thinks - Anna didn't intend to hurt her.
She just pushed a little too far in the worst place possible. ]
If you weren't, I wouldn't even have gotten upset in the first place. [ Because if randos interact with Sayo? Well, that's fine, it's totally their choice. It only gets hard when it's people she cares about, because that's when Ange starts worrying about losing them, or them not understanding her, or a myriad other paranoid thoughts. ]
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[she's talking like she's just been told something so very obvious and needs to recover from being called out on it. the corner of her eye almost turns downward, like her face is falling in the tiniest bit of shame.]
We think the same way a lot of the time, and maybe we don't always get to the same answer, but the steps we take are pretty close, you know? And I don't want to lose that in my life. I don't wanna lose you from my life, especially over something like this.
[her expression changes to a tentative smile, like she's trying her absolute best here.]
Besides. I get the feeling I might need your help solving my own personal mystery sometime soon. Nothing specific yet, but the winds are starting to blow in the right direction.
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Even though her emotions still feel raw. But it's always like this, isn't it? She often keeps things inside for so long that once they do come out, things keep feeling off for a little while. Maybe she'll feel better after a nap later.
Instead - for now - she brushes a hand across her hair and meets Anna's gaze, even though that too makes her feel a little vulnerable with her emotions still so close under her skin. ]
A personal mystery..?
[ Ange sounds like she truly isn't even catching on to what Anna could mean. ]
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Someone I thought I could trust just because I recognized the world he came from is turning out to be someone entirely different. And I don't know whether he was just lying about it or I didn't want to see the truth, but either way, I can't bring myself to see him the same way anymore.
[it's a familiar song, isn't it? she doesn't know if ange knows the person she's speaking of, but... if she's given enough hints then maybe it's obvious enough by now. she can never tell just how much she's giving away.]
And I think it's going to be bad news for all of us whenever he stops pretending.
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[ Apparently she doesn't recognize the person Anna is talking about. Either because she doesn't know him, or just because she's still a little too emotionally vulnerable in this moment to be able to think with a clear mind and actually put sone puzzle pieces together.
And without her understanding the full situation, all she can do is frown in faint thought. ]
I'm sorry though. [ She doesn't say 'I get it.'
Obviously Anna knows she gets it, given everything else they discussed. ]
It's got to be weighing pretty heavily on your mind right now.
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I don't know what I'm going to do about it yet. [she doesn't have all the information she needs. she doesn't know where everyone else's allegiances lay. she doesn't know nearly enough about who else she'd be turning against her, and she's struggling enough with just the possibility of turning ange against her right now.]
But I'm telling the people who matter to me, just in case... I don't know. In case something happens. If he catches wind of it or something and tries to shut me up.
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Forget everything that just happened - even if it's just for a moment. When the other is escalating the stakes to that sort of level right at the end there, Ange isn't even thinking about it anymore. Instead she just frowns with obvious concern for the other. ]
It's that bad?
[ Sure, Anna could be joking in her usual dry way, but Ange feels like she wouldn't joke about it under these circumstances.
Nor after the talk they just had. ]
In that case, shouldn't we be doing something about it right away? We can't just have you running that risk every single day.
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