⛧ Aʟʟᴇɴ "ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴘʀɪᴇsᴛ" Wᴀʟᴋᴇʀ ★ (
likethelight) wrote in
deercountry2022-09-18 01:29 pm
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
Entry tags:
All that I am
Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta
[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.
It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.
When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.
Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.
Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.
Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.
Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]
Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.
It's also too late.
Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.
They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta
[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.
It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.
When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.
Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.
Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.
Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.
Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]
Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.
It's also too late.
Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.
They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]
no subject
When did that happen?
no subject
"When"?
no subject
When I tried to take away your coverings.
no subject
The blanket, a moment ago... [ you know. when he threw it back at you in response? ]
Since it... isn't like we have nightclothes, you know?
[ please end his misery ]
no subject
This time there's no subtle shift in expression, only a straightforward apology. ]
I'm sorry for startling you.
I won't do that again.
no subject
This is important. ]
You don't have to be so serious about it. [ It's a very soft, barely a chide. ] Or say you won't again.
I know you didn't mean anything badly by it. I didn't even say I minded... Just that I was sorry I was a little startled.
[ Is he speaking plainly enough this time? Because he is trying, with almost oddly calm and quiet eyes. But earnestly. ]
If it's you, then it's okay.
no subject
I don't think it's okay.
no subject
What do you mean?
no subject
[ He looks at him. ]
Or for you to apologize for being startled.
no subject
Don't you think I get a say in how I feel about it too? [ He says it more softly, more like a reminder than being contrary, and hesitates then. ]
Why is this so important to you?
no subject
[ Right now. ]
So, am I.
no subject
He hesitates, a little taken aback, but moves then. Slowly, but purposefully. Doesn't care about blankets or lack of blankets or stupid unimportant things like that and slides his knee across the mattress to sit kneeling lightly in front of Shouto. His expression so very quiet. ]
Then really tell me...
[ With slow and purposeful movements, he brings his hands up to cup his face gently. Very lightly and like someone handling a wild animal, and to encourage him to look at him like that. ]
...why are you afraid of startling me?
no subject
I didn't even know I scared you.
no subject
You didn't scare me. [ Don't put words in his mouth. ] Not at all.
That's not the same thing at all.
no subject
[ He recants, though it doesn't change the way he feels. ]
no subject
And... what do you think would happen because of that?
no subject
[ That's why he threw the blankets over him. Why earlier he dumped him in the water. ]
no subject
Oh. You did this before, too. And remembering that he sits back. Squares his shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. ]
I'm not made of glass you know. [ And the idea that he would be treated like he is actually pisses him off a lot too, but he bites his tongue on that. Focuses. ] So stop treating me like I am.
You've startled me before and you will again. Lots of times already, and I hope a lot more times. Lots of people have. Some of them I mind, and some of them I don't. And I told you I don't mind when it's you because it's you-- because then I realize I have no reason to be.
[ It's gentle but no-nonsense. Chin dropped slightly, eyes bright and determined like a silent storm. Look. He sits back and lets himself get pushed over about a lot of things when they don't really matter, but this--
He tries again, calmly but firmly: ]
So help me understand. What do you think would happen if you actually made me uneasy?
no subject
The fact that Allen keeps excluding him specifically ends up making him pull back further. His mother made excuses for Endeavor too.
He grows distant. Distant. Aware of the snowball effect one excuse could have. It turned into another and another still until it became the norm. And when things went from bad to worse you ended up wishing for it like a balm; when things were better. Tolerable. Before his mother cried, his siblings held each other; scared. It all snowballed so quickly, Shouto had no idea how to stop it then, or now.
The only thing he can do is hold this line in the sand. Yet, he ended up crossing it somehow and didn't even realize it. Allen had retaliated just like his mother, and still, he was stupidly clueless. Just like his father. ]
Nothing.
[ Ice creeps up his neck, and he expels a heavy breath filled with chilled air. ]
Not unless you tell me.
[ The mist clues swirling in front of him clues him into his state, and he stills. He doesn't want to reach for the fire but he knows better than anyone that he has too and despite his feelings, he warms himself up enough to melt the ice. ]
no subject
He loses any pretense of calmness, and even if he was trying to give him his space he can't at that. Before he even knows what he's doing he's thrown himself forward with his arms around Shouto to hug him bodily tight. Strong, but shaky. Threadbare. ]
I'll talk to you. [ He couldn't keep the anguish out of his voice if he tried, especially not with his face pressed close by his neck like this. ]
Just like I am now, and just like how I want you to talk to me when you're so clearly upset. Because I trust you, and I want to understand the good and the bad. Just like you said you do. [ His shoulders sag, and he doesn't lift his head yet. Doesn't trust himself to, and so keeps his face pressed against his shoulder. Shakes his head for a moment, like trying to deny something ]
The only thing that makes me uneasy is when it feels like you're trying to punish both of us for something I don't even understand.
no subject
I'll talk to you.
A contradiction lies at the heart of him. Between desperately wanting to hold onto him and wanting nothing more than to pull away before he does something else to hurt him. The indecision freezes him in place, and he stays still. Conflicted by his past, doubting the present. It makes him slow to act. To think. All he knows is that he doesn't want to hurt him, and yet hearing the anguish in his voice, he knows he's done exactly that.
I want to understand the good and the bad. Just like you said you do.
Allen.
With his heart hammering in his throat, Shouto breaks the stalemate and wraps an arm around him, holding them up by a single elbow digging into the bed. ]
That's not-- I'm not trying to punish you.
no subject
Whether Shouto realizes his shoulder has become slightly damp or not will depend on how much he's paying attention to something like that.
Recognizing the strain he's inadvertently put on Shouto's arm, he brings his legs up and under himself. Half curled up, half pressed against him. Taking a slow breath as he does so, even if it hitches slightly in his throat, before letting it out shakily.
I know you don't mean to, but that's not what he latches onto in that answer. ]
And yourself? [ Spoken softly, just to the side of his collar. ]
no subject
The other hand wraps around him, and he falls on his back, holding onto him amid the churning turmoil that sends a firestorm sweeping over the ice crags he didn't realize were so deeply embedded in him still. ]
... I--
[ Don't know? No, if this night taught him anything, it's that his father still holds onto a piece of him, he didn't realize he'd let him have. ]
I... might be.
[ Red and blue flames flicker to life across his chest, cool to the touch. They amass quickly but last no more than a few heartbeats before sputtering out as he reaches for him. Desperate to see him, Shouto ends up running his fingers through the length of his hair and ends up losing himself in the soft threads. Catching his breath, he ends up slowing in his movements, the distress slowly leeching out of him as he looks up at the mass of white hair he's grown so fond of. ]
I didn't mean to hurt you.
no subject
His breath catches at that, surprised both to hear him actually admit that and the twin flames that flicker to life between them that makes him jolt for a moment. Worried, honestly, that for a moment he made him lose control of them again— but is surprised to feel no heat for a second time now. Just flickering lights like fairie fire that light up his own surprised and lightly awe-touched face, and the glimmer of tears there.
One heartbeat. Two.
He breathes out, feeling Shouto's hands run through his hair, and just closes his eyes at the sensation for a moment. At the bittersweet sort of happiness, feeling him do that, and lets the final tears fall before he pushes himself up slightly on his elbows. Still lets most of his weight rest against Shouto, stomach to stomach, but rises up enough so he can look at him.
Tear tracks in the flickering firelight, and seeming so delicately composed like that. ]
I know. [ It's vesper-soft as he reaches out towards him with his right hand, brushing some of the hair from the left side of his face before letting his palm contour softly there. Thumb running along the lower edge of his scar so gently, like he's tracing something very precious. ]
It just pains me when you hurt someone I care about like that.
no subject
Their breaths mingle as grey and teal lose themselves in those stormy eyes absent of their usual light and laughter. Missing now by his own folly. I'm sorry. He leans up, pressing a kiss against the wet tracks of his cheek, and follows it up to his lashes. Gentle with the pressure, he lingers there, tasting the salt on his tongue before moving to the other side, starting all over. He doesn't stop there, pressing kiss after kiss on his cheek, nose, and forehead, anywhere he can reach while his arms cradle him close. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
I somehow lost this tag!
you're fine! ♥
<3
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/?? omfg
2/
3/
4/4
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2 | cw: mentions of suicide
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...