deercountry | All that I am

Entry tags:

All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

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You are telling me.

[ Right now. ]

So, am I.

Edited 2022-10-16 23:48 (UTC)

[ And you're so walled off you're being borderline hostile. And didn't answer his question.

He hesitates, a little taken aback, but moves then. Slowly, but purposefully. Doesn't care about blankets or lack of blankets or stupid unimportant things like that and slides his knee across the mattress to sit kneeling lightly in front of Shouto. His expression so very quiet. ]

Then really tell me...

[ With slow and purposeful movements, he brings his hands up to cup his face gently. Very lightly and like someone handling a wild animal, and to encourage him to look at him like that. ]

...why are you afraid of startling me?

Edited 2022-10-16 23:58 (UTC)

[ He pulls his head back, out of reach. ]

I didn't even know I scared you.

[ He looks momentarily crestfallen that he pulls back, but doesn't try again. But he blinks at that; stares. ]

You didn't scare me. [ Don't put words in his mouth. ] Not at all.

That's not the same thing at all.

Startled you.

[ He recants, though it doesn't change the way he feels. ]

[ You answered so quickly, do you actually understand the difference though? But he doesn't press it, just sits back and presses his lips lightly together, gripping his knees a bit tighter than he needs to. It's not this, it's something else. You're so frustrating to try and figure out when you're like this, but... ]

And... what do you think would happen because of that?

I made you uneasy.

[ That's why he threw the blankets over him. Why earlier he dumped him in the water. ]

You don't make me uneasy. [ Maybe you are now, but before he got spooked and then realized it was silly to get startled. Stop putting words into his mouth or projecting. You--

Oh. You did this before, too. And remembering that he sits back. Squares his shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. ]

I'm not made of glass you know. [ And the idea that he would be treated like he is actually pisses him off a lot too, but he bites his tongue on that. Focuses. ] So stop treating me like I am.

You've startled me before and you will again. Lots of times already, and I hope a lot more times. Lots of people have. Some of them I mind, and some of them I don't. And I told you I don't mind when it's you because it's you-- because then I realize I have no reason to be.

[ It's gentle but no-nonsense. Chin dropped slightly, eyes bright and determined like a silent storm. Look. He sits back and lets himself get pushed over about a lot of things when they don't really matter, but this--

He tries again, calmly but firmly: ]

So help me understand. What do you think would happen if you actually made me uneasy?

Edited 2022-10-17 01:17 (UTC)

[ He doesn't believe him this time, not really. It's not that he thinks he's lying; he's just far too aware of the excuses people use to justify being mistreated. He's under a lot of stress at work, Shouto. Things will get better. They got worse, and no one ever came to save them. Not the heroes, not his grandparents. Not the monster who was supposed to be his father.

The fact that Allen keeps excluding him specifically ends up making him pull back further. His mother made excuses for Endeavor too.

He grows distant. Distant. Aware of the snowball effect one excuse could have. It turned into another and another still until it became the norm. And when things went from bad to worse you ended up wishing for it like a balm; when things were better. Tolerable. Before his mother cried, his siblings held each other; scared. It all snowballed so quickly, Shouto had no idea how to stop it then, or now.

The only thing he can do is hold this line in the sand. Yet, he ended up crossing it somehow and didn't even realize it. Allen had retaliated just like his mother, and still, he was stupidly clueless. Just like his father. ]

Nothing.

[ Ice creeps up his neck, and he expels a heavy breath filled with chilled air. ]

Not unless you tell me.

[ The mist clues swirling in front of him clues him into his state, and he stills. He doesn't want to reach for the fire but he knows better than anyone that he has too and despite his feelings, he warms himself up enough to melt the ice. ]

Edited 2022-10-17 01:56 (UTC)

[ Seeing that ice spreading up his neck is honestly the nail in the coffin, and it makes his heart wrench. You're so worried about distressing him in other ways, when this is what actually hurts him?

He loses any pretense of calmness, and even if he was trying to give him his space he can't at that. Before he even knows what he's doing he's thrown himself forward with his arms around Shouto to hug him bodily tight. Strong, but shaky. Threadbare. ]

I'll talk to you. [ He couldn't keep the anguish out of his voice if he tried, especially not with his face pressed close by his neck like this. ]

Just like I am now, and just like how I want you to talk to me when you're so clearly upset. Because I trust you, and I want to understand the good and the bad. Just like you said you do. [ His shoulders sag, and he doesn't lift his head yet. Doesn't trust himself to, and so keeps his face pressed against his shoulder. Shakes his head for a moment, like trying to deny something ]

The only thing that makes me uneasy is when it feels like you're trying to punish both of us for something I don't even understand.

Edited 2022-10-17 02:26 (UTC)

[ The breath gets knocked out of him, and he barely holds himself up with one elbow on the bed while the other crumples against the weight of him. It's his voice, filled with grief and torment, that finally shakes him from his spiraling thoughts.

I'll talk to you.

A contradiction lies at the heart of him. Between desperately wanting to hold onto him and wanting nothing more than to pull away before he does something else to hurt him. The indecision freezes him in place, and he stays still. Conflicted by his past, doubting the present. It makes him slow to act. To think. All he knows is that he doesn't want to hurt him, and yet hearing the anguish in his voice, he knows he's done exactly that.

I want to understand the good and the bad. Just like you said you do.

Allen.

With his heart hammering in his throat, Shouto breaks the stalemate and wraps an arm around him, holding them up by a single elbow digging into the bed. ]

That's not-- I'm not trying to punish you.

Edited 2022-10-17 03:10 (UTC)

[ Feeling him wrap an arm around him in return, Allen's eyes flutter open and hesitates, biting his lip as he's not sure whether to hope that means he got through to him or not. He's quiet until he speaks finally, and when he does he bows his head slightly. Doesn't trust himself to raise it yet.

Whether Shouto realizes his shoulder has become slightly damp or not will depend on how much he's paying attention to something like that.

Recognizing the strain he's inadvertently put on Shouto's arm, he brings his legs up and under himself. Half curled up, half pressed against him. Taking a slow breath as he does so, even if it hitches slightly in his throat, before letting it out shakily.

I know you don't mean to, but that's not what he latches onto in that answer. ]

And yourself? [ Spoken softly, just to the side of his collar. ]

Edited 2022-10-17 03:29 (UTC)

[ Nothing else holds his attention quite like the sound of his voice or the way he buries his face in his chest. His skin was made to withstand the extremities of nature but feeling that warm dampness has his stomach knotting in dismay. But it's his question, asked so simply, that jabs at a doubt so deep he didn't realize until this moment just how much his father's legacy still haunted him.

The other hand wraps around him, and he falls on his back, holding onto him amid the churning turmoil that sends a firestorm sweeping over the ice crags he didn't realize were so deeply embedded in him still. ]

... I--

[ Don't know? No, if this night taught him anything, it's that his father still holds onto a piece of him, he didn't realize he'd let him have. ]

I... might be.

[ Red and blue flames flicker to life across his chest, cool to the touch. They amass quickly but last no more than a few heartbeats before sputtering out as he reaches for him. Desperate to see him, Shouto ends up running his fingers through the length of his hair and ends up losing himself in the soft threads. Catching his breath, he ends up slowing in his movements, the distress slowly leeching out of him as he looks up at the mass of white hair he's grown so fond of. ]

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Edited 2022-10-17 04:21 (UTC)

[ That...

His breath catches at that, surprised both to hear him actually admit that and the twin flames that flicker to life between them that makes him jolt for a moment. Worried, honestly, that for a moment he made him lose control of them again— but is surprised to feel no heat for a second time now. Just flickering lights like fairie fire that light up his own surprised and lightly awe-touched face, and the glimmer of tears there.

One heartbeat. Two.

He breathes out, feeling Shouto's hands run through his hair, and just closes his eyes at the sensation for a moment. At the bittersweet sort of happiness, feeling him do that, and lets the final tears fall before he pushes himself up slightly on his elbows. Still lets most of his weight rest against Shouto, stomach to stomach, but rises up enough so he can look at him.

Tear tracks in the flickering firelight, and seeming so delicately composed like that. ]

I know. [ It's vesper-soft as he reaches out towards him with his right hand, brushing some of the hair from the left side of his face before letting his palm contour softly there. Thumb running along the lower edge of his scar so gently, like he's tracing something very precious. ]

It just pains me when you hurt someone I care about like that.

Edited 2022-10-17 05:00 (UTC)

[ His eyes glimmer silver in the light, hidden between the white strands covering his face. Long after the light has dimmed Shouto remembers the tears lost amid the mess he'd made of the night. Braced for the extra weight this time, he sets a hand behind his back and takes Allen with him as he sits upright. Between the mess of the blankets that tangled up between them, he cradles him on his lap, holding him close.

Their breaths mingle as grey and teal lose themselves in those stormy eyes absent of their usual light and laughter. Missing now by his own folly. I'm sorry. He leans up, pressing a kiss against the wet tracks of his cheek, and follows it up to his lashes. Gentle with the pressure, he lingers there, tasting the salt on his tongue before moving to the other side, starting all over. He doesn't stop there, pressing kiss after kiss on his cheek, nose, and forehead, anywhere he can reach while his arms cradle him close. ]

Edited 2022-10-17 06:08 (UTC)

[ His eyes widen slightly when Shouto sits up and takes him with him, arms criss-crossing behind his neck as he fumbles for a moment with what to do, how to sit and where his legs should end up. He forgets entirely though, just figuring it out somehow when he realizes they're nose to nose and he can feel his breath mix with his own. Oh.

The look in your eyes--

His breath catches at the first gentle brush of his lips, holding perfectly still as his eyes instinctively flutter shut. Kissing him like that... His throat threatens to close and his arms tighten around his neck as he continues the gentle assault, one hand threading into his hair while the other curls at his shoulder. Butterfly kisses one after another that make his head spin, just because it's so sweet he might almost tear up again at it.

You really are so kind. ]

Shouto...

[ Awestruck. He breathes it by his ear that he absently tries to press a kiss to in return, but is a bit too overwhelmed to do properly. Holding on helplessly instead while his spine curves to press them close, relenting and melting against such a warm and gentle embrace. ]

Edited 2022-10-17 06:16 (UTC)

[ Following his gesture he presses another to his ear, lingering there to catch his breath. ]

Can I...

[ He dips his head down, pressing his lips against his collar. ]

Kiss you?

Edited 2022-10-17 06:29 (UTC)

[ ...is that the first time he's asked that? Usually it's Allen who's kissed him first, or indicated he wanted him to. More often he's held back, afraid he might overwhelm him to the point where he lost control of his quirk again. It's hard to focus though, distracted by his breath against his ear and the kiss he drops along his collar, and he holds on tighter as a result. Shivers lightly.

Exposed. Perched up like this and asked something like that, even with everything that's already passed between them... he feels so exposed. If you do I think I might drown, but...

He breathes out shakily. Strokes his left hand slowly down his back, smooth fingers spread wide as if marveling at the human warmth of his skin. ]

...please?

Edited 2022-10-17 06:45 (UTC)

[ His quirk stirs ceaselessly inside chest, ice and fire clashing within the midst of him, reflecting the toll it takes him to keep it under wraps. Still, he keeps himself in check, wanting this as much as he's ever wanted something for himself.

With his chest near bursting, he waits for his answer, ready to stop at a single word, difficult as it may be. So, it comes as a relief when Allen lets out a shaky breath and consents. Shouto closes his eyes for a moment, licking his lips in anticipation. Keeping a lock on his quirk, he opens his mouth and firmly bites down on his throat with enough pressure to leave a mark but not enough to break the skin. It's a kiss he's never tried before and one he's been hesitant to try until this moment. ]

Edited 2022-10-17 07:12 (UTC)

[ ?!?! ]

O—oh. [ Jolting!! With a very obvious squeak! And squeezing his legs around him really tight!!! Good luck dislodging him when he's like a mollusk! ]

Shouto? [ It's flushed and bewildered. Did... did you just-- did you just bite his neck? THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU ASKED. THAT IS NOT A KISS. NOR WHERE HE THOUGHT IT'D BE! ]

[ He feels that sound with his lips. The way he clamps down around him. His name in question. And none of it is reassuring. He jerks back, knowing something's off but not what. Troubled eyes look down at the red mark, concern rising within him.

Did I do it too hard?

Hesitantly, he reaches up to trace the bite with his fingertips, probing for any breakage of skin. Finding none, he looks back up at him. ]

What's wrong?

[ What's wrong is that isn't a kiss!!! Also it kind of hurt just sprung out of the blue like some kind of vampire!!!! Kind of. It's weird. But ashgdajda—

His continued sputtering is cut short by the gentle touch at his throat, and he blinks at that. Eyes crossing for a moment as he tries to look down in vain, processing that. Did you... did you leave a mark?

He stares down at Shouto for a moment at that, forgetting to answer if he even had one. Asking him that so innocently after you!!! You... ]

Nothing's wrong... [ His tone is soft but slightly scolding, flushed entirely now and expression subdued and hard to read as he shifts a bit uncertainly. Arms still crossed lightly behind Shouto's neck. ]

You just surprised me when that isn't exactly a kiss. [ pause

...continued pause. His arms shift slightly behind his neck. ]

...do it more gently next time?

Edited 2022-10-21 20:08 (UTC)

[ ...that isn't exactly a kiss.

Oh. So he did do it wrong. ]

Can you show me how?

[ He asks, shifting to the side, exposing his neck to him. Waiting. ]

... [ just asking so directly like that— you're going to kill him. ]

I don't really-- [ flushing, except he already has but boy he sure feels it more ] It's more a matter of instinct, I think... [ Just how experienced do you think he is!!

He's leaning forward as he speaks though, uncertainty or not. To press a very soft and chaste kiss to where his neck meets his jaw despite his mild protest and to cement his answer. It helps him smother and calm his own frayed nerves, too. The second, trailing lower down his neck, to shut up the voice inside him screaming "what are we doing?!". A light nuzzle against Shouto's throat that helps to build his confidence as much as it's to communicate his intent. He reaches for his hand with his right, and if they're wrapped around him still he just rests it on his arm. And he blinks then, realizing he can smell him this close and finds it comforting, even if his stomach is knotting from all the butterflies in it.

Ah. Maybe I want to do this too.

Maybe it's not a kiss, strictly speaking, mimicking how Shouto had bitten down on his throat with the light drag of teeth against skin in a very soft not-quite-nip. Instead of biting down he presses to him though— and sucks lightly at on the skin he's trapped there. Yes just hard enough to leave a mark too. And followed with a softer, curious brush of his tongue. ]

Edited 2022-10-21 20:47 (UTC)

[ Instinct? He looks at him from the corner of his eye, catching sight of the red welt. My instincts are wrong. I bit him too hard.

Long fingers trail down his back, following the uneven patch of skin to his waist, where they splay out to his hips. He's not wearing a towel. He realizes, wondering if he should find him something to cover up when Allen presses a kiss to his jaw, effectively redirecting his focus.

Oh. Awareness strikes, and anticipation starts to build. Soft lips compliment the gentle nudge at his neck in an unexpected prelude. This is better. He thinks, widening the angle to expose more of his collar to encourage him to continue. He can't feel the heat of his mouth, but it's impossible to miss the way Allen leans into him or the drag of teeth across his skin that send his stomach into knots, dropping entirely the moment he sucks on his throat. ]

Ahh-Allen.

[ The sensation is topped in an instant by a wet trail that has his quirk swinging left. He sucks in a sharp breath as goosebumps break across his skin, followed by a jittery exhale that leaves his control hanging by a thread. ]

You didn't-- [ he warms beneath him trying to catch his breath ] -- kiss me.

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