All that I am

[likethelight]

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta


[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

Comments

[likethelight]

[ Seeing that ice spreading up his neck is honestly the nail in the coffin, and it makes his heart wrench. You're so worried about distressing him in other ways, when this is what actually hurts him?

He loses any pretense of calmness, and even if he was trying to give him his space he can't at that. Before he even knows what he's doing he's thrown himself forward with his arms around Shouto to hug him bodily tight. Strong, but shaky. Threadbare. ]

I'll talk to you. [ He couldn't keep the anguish out of his voice if he tried, especially not with his face pressed close by his neck like this. ]

Just like I am now, and just like how I want you to talk to me when you're so clearly upset. Because I trust you, and I want to understand the good and the bad. Just like you said you do. [ His shoulders sag, and he doesn't lift his head yet. Doesn't trust himself to, and so keeps his face pressed against his shoulder. Shakes his head for a moment, like trying to deny something ]

The only thing that makes me uneasy is when it feels like you're trying to punish both of us for something I don't even understand.

[swellter]

[ The breath gets knocked out of him, and he barely holds himself up with one elbow on the bed while the other crumples against the weight of him. It's his voice, filled with grief and torment, that finally shakes him from his spiraling thoughts.

I'll talk to you.

A contradiction lies at the heart of him. Between desperately wanting to hold onto him and wanting nothing more than to pull away before he does something else to hurt him. The indecision freezes him in place, and he stays still. Conflicted by his past, doubting the present. It makes him slow to act. To think. All he knows is that he doesn't want to hurt him, and yet hearing the anguish in his voice, he knows he's done exactly that.

I want to understand the good and the bad. Just like you said you do.

Allen.

With his heart hammering in his throat, Shouto breaks the stalemate and wraps an arm around him, holding them up by a single elbow digging into the bed. ]

That's not-- I'm not trying to punish you.

[likethelight]

[ Feeling him wrap an arm around him in return, Allen's eyes flutter open and hesitates, biting his lip as he's not sure whether to hope that means he got through to him or not. He's quiet until he speaks finally, and when he does he bows his head slightly. Doesn't trust himself to raise it yet.

Whether Shouto realizes his shoulder has become slightly damp or not will depend on how much he's paying attention to something like that.

Recognizing the strain he's inadvertently put on Shouto's arm, he brings his legs up and under himself. Half curled up, half pressed against him. Taking a slow breath as he does so, even if it hitches slightly in his throat, before letting it out shakily.

I know you don't mean to, but that's not what he latches onto in that answer. ]

And yourself? [ Spoken softly, just to the side of his collar. ]

[swellter]

[ Nothing else holds his attention quite like the sound of his voice or the way he buries his face in his chest. His skin was made to withstand the extremities of nature but feeling that warm dampness has his stomach knotting in dismay. But it's his question, asked so simply, that jabs at a doubt so deep he didn't realize until this moment just how much his father's legacy still haunted him.

The other hand wraps around him, and he falls on his back, holding onto him amid the churning turmoil that sends a firestorm sweeping over the ice crags he didn't realize were so deeply embedded in him still. ]

... I--

[ Don't know? No, if this night taught him anything, it's that his father still holds onto a piece of him, he didn't realize he'd let him have. ]

I... might be.

[ Red and blue flames flicker to life across his chest, cool to the touch. They amass quickly but last no more than a few heartbeats before sputtering out as he reaches for him. Desperate to see him, Shouto ends up running his fingers through the length of his hair and ends up losing himself in the soft threads. Catching his breath, he ends up slowing in his movements, the distress slowly leeching out of him as he looks up at the mass of white hair he's grown so fond of. ]

I didn't mean to hurt you.

[likethelight]

[ That...

His breath catches at that, surprised both to hear him actually admit that and the twin flames that flicker to life between them that makes him jolt for a moment. Worried, honestly, that for a moment he made him lose control of them again— but is surprised to feel no heat for a second time now. Just flickering lights like fairie fire that light up his own surprised and lightly awe-touched face, and the glimmer of tears there.

One heartbeat. Two.

He breathes out, feeling Shouto's hands run through his hair, and just closes his eyes at the sensation for a moment. At the bittersweet sort of happiness, feeling him do that, and lets the final tears fall before he pushes himself up slightly on his elbows. Still lets most of his weight rest against Shouto, stomach to stomach, but rises up enough so he can look at him.

Tear tracks in the flickering firelight, and seeming so delicately composed like that. ]

I know. [ It's vesper-soft as he reaches out towards him with his right hand, brushing some of the hair from the left side of his face before letting his palm contour softly there. Thumb running along the lower edge of his scar so gently, like he's tracing something very precious. ]

It just pains me when you hurt someone I care about like that.

[swellter]

[ His eyes glimmer silver in the light, hidden between the white strands covering his face. Long after the light has dimmed Shouto remembers the tears lost amid the mess he'd made of the night. Braced for the extra weight this time, he sets a hand behind his back and takes Allen with him as he sits upright. Between the mess of the blankets that tangled up between them, he cradles him on his lap, holding him close.

Their breaths mingle as grey and teal lose themselves in those stormy eyes absent of their usual light and laughter. Missing now by his own folly. I'm sorry. He leans up, pressing a kiss against the wet tracks of his cheek, and follows it up to his lashes. Gentle with the pressure, he lingers there, tasting the salt on his tongue before moving to the other side, starting all over. He doesn't stop there, pressing kiss after kiss on his cheek, nose, and forehead, anywhere he can reach while his arms cradle him close. ]

[likethelight]

[ His eyes widen slightly when Shouto sits up and takes him with him, arms criss-crossing behind his neck as he fumbles for a moment with what to do, how to sit and where his legs should end up. He forgets entirely though, just figuring it out somehow when he realizes they're nose to nose and he can feel his breath mix with his own. Oh.

The look in your eyes--

His breath catches at the first gentle brush of his lips, holding perfectly still as his eyes instinctively flutter shut. Kissing him like that... His throat threatens to close and his arms tighten around his neck as he continues the gentle assault, one hand threading into his hair while the other curls at his shoulder. Butterfly kisses one after another that make his head spin, just because it's so sweet he might almost tear up again at it.

You really are so kind. ]

Shouto...

[ Awestruck. He breathes it by his ear that he absently tries to press a kiss to in return, but is a bit too overwhelmed to do properly. Holding on helplessly instead while his spine curves to press them close, relenting and melting against such a warm and gentle embrace. ]

[swellter]

[ Following his gesture he presses another to his ear, lingering there to catch his breath. ]

Can I...

[ He dips his head down, pressing his lips against his collar. ]

Kiss you?

[likethelight]

[ ...is that the first time he's asked that? Usually it's Allen who's kissed him first, or indicated he wanted him to. More often he's held back, afraid he might overwhelm him to the point where he lost control of his quirk again. It's hard to focus though, distracted by his breath against his ear and the kiss he drops along his collar, and he holds on tighter as a result. Shivers lightly.

Exposed. Perched up like this and asked something like that, even with everything that's already passed between them... he feels so exposed. If you do I think I might drown, but...

He breathes out shakily. Strokes his left hand slowly down his back, smooth fingers spread wide as if marveling at the human warmth of his skin. ]

...please?

[swellter]

[ His quirk stirs ceaselessly inside chest, ice and fire clashing within the midst of him, reflecting the toll it takes him to keep it under wraps. Still, he keeps himself in check, wanting this as much as he's ever wanted something for himself.

With his chest near bursting, he waits for his answer, ready to stop at a single word, difficult as it may be. So, it comes as a relief when Allen lets out a shaky breath and consents. Shouto closes his eyes for a moment, licking his lips in anticipation. Keeping a lock on his quirk, he opens his mouth and firmly bites down on his throat with enough pressure to leave a mark but not enough to break the skin. It's a kiss he's never tried before and one he's been hesitant to try until this moment. ]

[likethelight]

[ ?!?! ]

O—oh. [ Jolting!! With a very obvious squeak! And squeezing his legs around him really tight!!! Good luck dislodging him when he's like a mollusk! ]

Shouto? [ It's flushed and bewildered. Did... did you just-- did you just bite his neck? THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU ASKED. THAT IS NOT A KISS. NOR WHERE HE THOUGHT IT'D BE! ]

[swellter]

[ He feels that sound with his lips. The way he clamps down around him. His name in question. And none of it is reassuring. He jerks back, knowing something's off but not what. Troubled eyes look down at the red mark, concern rising within him.

Did I do it too hard?

Hesitantly, he reaches up to trace the bite with his fingertips, probing for any breakage of skin. Finding none, he looks back up at him. ]

What's wrong?

[likethelight]

[ What's wrong is that isn't a kiss!!! Also it kind of hurt just sprung out of the blue like some kind of vampire!!!! Kind of. It's weird. But ashgdajda—

His continued sputtering is cut short by the gentle touch at his throat, and he blinks at that. Eyes crossing for a moment as he tries to look down in vain, processing that. Did you... did you leave a mark?

He stares down at Shouto for a moment at that, forgetting to answer if he even had one. Asking him that so innocently after you!!! You... ]

Nothing's wrong... [ His tone is soft but slightly scolding, flushed entirely now and expression subdued and hard to read as he shifts a bit uncertainly. Arms still crossed lightly behind Shouto's neck. ]

You just surprised me when that isn't exactly a kiss. [ pause

...continued pause. His arms shift slightly behind his neck. ]

...do it more gently next time?

[swellter]

[ ...that isn't exactly a kiss.

Oh. So he did do it wrong. ]

Can you show me how?

[ He asks, shifting to the side, exposing his neck to him. Waiting. ]

[likethelight]

... [ just asking so directly like that— you're going to kill him. ]

I don't really-- [ flushing, except he already has but boy he sure feels it more ] It's more a matter of instinct, I think... [ Just how experienced do you think he is!!

He's leaning forward as he speaks though, uncertainty or not. To press a very soft and chaste kiss to where his neck meets his jaw despite his mild protest and to cement his answer. It helps him smother and calm his own frayed nerves, too. The second, trailing lower down his neck, to shut up the voice inside him screaming "what are we doing?!". A light nuzzle against Shouto's throat that helps to build his confidence as much as it's to communicate his intent. He reaches for his hand with his right, and if they're wrapped around him still he just rests it on his arm. And he blinks then, realizing he can smell him this close and finds it comforting, even if his stomach is knotting from all the butterflies in it.

Ah. Maybe I want to do this too.

Maybe it's not a kiss, strictly speaking, mimicking how Shouto had bitten down on his throat with the light drag of teeth against skin in a very soft not-quite-nip. Instead of biting down he presses to him though— and sucks lightly at on the skin he's trapped there. Yes just hard enough to leave a mark too. And followed with a softer, curious brush of his tongue. ]

[swellter]

[ Instinct? He looks at him from the corner of his eye, catching sight of the red welt. My instincts are wrong. I bit him too hard.

Long fingers trail down his back, following the uneven patch of skin to his waist, where they splay out to his hips. He's not wearing a towel. He realizes, wondering if he should find him something to cover up when Allen presses a kiss to his jaw, effectively redirecting his focus.

Oh. Awareness strikes, and anticipation starts to build. Soft lips compliment the gentle nudge at his neck in an unexpected prelude. This is better. He thinks, widening the angle to expose more of his collar to encourage him to continue. He can't feel the heat of his mouth, but it's impossible to miss the way Allen leans into him or the drag of teeth across his skin that send his stomach into knots, dropping entirely the moment he sucks on his throat. ]

Ahh-Allen.

[ The sensation is topped in an instant by a wet trail that has his quirk swinging left. He sucks in a sharp breath as goosebumps break across his skin, followed by a jittery exhale that leaves his control hanging by a thread. ]

You didn't-- [ he warms beneath him trying to catch his breath ] -- kiss me.

1/2

[likethelight]

[ It's hard to know what kind of reaction Allen expected -- if he expected any at all. (He did not, he wasn't thinking that far ahead.) But that sort of one— his knees tighten and he nearly jumps out of his skin. Inhales sharply himself, feeling the vibrations in his throat. Oh, that... because of him... oh.

He exhales shakily against his throat, frozen against Shouto for a moment in struggling to maintain his own head and control. Reigning back in the desire to do that again and try to make him sound like that again. It takes a moment, almost a little alarmed at both how difficult that is and how present and wild his heartbeat feels. He blinks repeatedly, almost comically. Belatedly realizes what Shouto said. Takes another moment to breathe out slowly and compose an answer. ]

You... didn't kiss me either.

2/2

[likethelight]

[ He pulls back slowly, shifting his weight to sit back and leaning more against where Shouto's hands have settled in the process. So careful it has to be incredibly consciously, even if speaking softly and seemingly so calmly.

His lips twitch to the side for a moment though, as seemingly calm or no he's crimson with a lightly sulky sort of blush, and he presses a knuckle to his mouth as if trying to hide in a sudden turn of shyness. Casts Shouto an uncertain look through lowered white lashes. ]

I think... that's okay too, isn't it?

[swellter]

[ The lack of oxygen makes his head spin but not as much as the sensation of his legs tightening around him, reminding him of their mutual lack of clothes. His skin warms, but that's not what makes his cheeks flush or his breath stutter in his chest sending his quirk into overdrive. The ice gets smothered, melting under the internal onslaught, uncovering new dimensions of himself he never knew before.

You...

Hyperaware of his physical presence, not as an intimidation factor or even fragility, but daunting in a whole other aspect, Shouto lifts his head to meet his eyes, catching half of what he says. ]

I think... I'm okay with anything... if it's you.

[ The churning mass of heat in his chest slows at the admission, cooling under the truth of his words instead of the onslaught of ice he used to control it. He understands now what Allen meant before, not an excuse but raw feelings given voice.

I don't mind if it's you.

If it's you, then it's okay. ]

I'm sorry, I didn't understand before.

[ He leans up, pressing a chaste kiss against his mouth. ]

I... feel the same way.

[likethelight]

[ That admission causes Allen's eyes to widen slightly even before the apology. The echoing of his own sentiments from before, and then apologizing... You— before, when you were shutting him out... was that why? Part of it. What did you think I meant then?

His expression softens, brows drawn slightly in a light dismay while at the same time feeling such a stunned relief and happiness gripping tight at his throat and chest that he blinks rapidly for a moment. He lets the tension go when Shouto presses such a brief but sweet kiss, eyes fluttering shut with a soft sort of sigh, before he nuzzles him faintly in return. Bumps their noses slightly in the process, but pins him with an infinitely gentle gaze then. ]

That's alright... [ He murmurs it back after like he's afraid to speak too loudly or break the spell, and brings his hand up to touch the side of Shouto's face gently. So very conscious of how he's perching lightly above him, the tension coiled in the small of his back and how it curves, and how the sheets are twisted up around them in an impossible bird's nest that pulls across his hips. And yet his expression is so very at ease, mouth curved in a soft and hard to read sort of smile. ]

I feel like I can understand you a little better now. [ The good and the bad, remember?

He hesitates slightly, slender fingertips tracing the line of his jaw towards his mouth as his gaze also dips. Before he presses his lips to the corner of his mouth, equally chaste. Delicate and airy, perched like a bird. Before he withdraws, catches his eye again as he draws his face up— and lets his full weight sink against him to kiss him properly. With such a sweet and pure kind of warmth and heat, the tension bleeding off as he winds his arms back around him. ]

[swellter]

[ The heat dissipates, its ceaseless churning no longer slams against his chest forcing his lungs to compensate for the heated expansion. Doubtless, he'll test his control again, but for now, he keeps a firm hold of his quirk. Enough to allow himself the freedom to let his hands roam up his back, tracing the delicate ridges of his spine, while Allen bumps their noses together in such a familiar manner it sets his heart at ease in a way few have ever managed. Allen pins him with such a sweet and gentle expression while delivering forgiveness, it almost hurts to look at him without explaining. ]

It's not. I mistook you for my mother and I... for... him.

[ Heterochromatic eyes fix themselves to his. ]

I don't want to do that again.

[ It's as close to a promise as he can muster when he barely recognizes what he did. With his heart feeling lighter, Shouto leans into his touch, utterly caught in his orbit. Spellbound, he follows his gaze as it dips to his mouth, and this time, he understands the sentiment behind it. Wordlessly, he takes his full weight without a qualm. In the past, it's always surprised him how much less there is of him, but not this time. He's grown familiar with his weight these last few months and easily settles him on his lap. ]

Is this okay?

[ He asks, waiting for the affirmative before leaning forward. The action presses his chest against Allen's as he catches his mouth with his, returning the kiss with the same delicate precision which Allen showed him when he left his mark on his throat. ]

[likethelight]

[ He saw them... as his parents? The realization hits like a brick as much as it also suddenly makes everything that happened make painful sense. So much so Allen's expression stills at that, mouth a silent "oh" as his eyes widen slightly. Not entirely sure how to take that, and he blushes lightly for it. But the important part is easy to grasp— you're afraid of becoming 'him' and repeating the past.

He would have said it was okay anyway when Shouto asks, but after that he breathes it hurriedly against his mouth before pressing close and kissing him like they might be running out of time. Fingers tangling up gently but desperately in his hair, like there's something he's trying so badly to say with his body. ]

It's the same as I told you before-- [ He breaks the kiss enough to speak but stays close, eyes glittering faintly as he holds his gaze and continues to brush his hair back. Finds it hard to concentrate and tries to regain it in his mismatched eyes.

You're so warm. Solid-- and alive. Something about that seizes tight at something buried deep in his chest and squeezes with such a strange sort of happiness that it almost makes him want to cry. He brushes his fingers lightly over his lips instead; touches his cheek with quiet awe. Delicate and a little clumsy as the same time. ]

You always make me feel at ease... Even when it's also so much I find it hard to breathe.

[ He's restless. Can't sit still, even if it only shows in such very tiny motions. Needing to touch him; trace the ridge of his ear and the bloodstone jewelry there. I don't want to make you lose control of your quirk again warring with the quiet joy and rightness of being able to be close like this, and so he kisses his cheek softly instead, gentle as a butterfly, and begins leaving a trail of them along his jaw. His legs tighten slightly. ]

So anything you do... I trust you.

[swellter]

[ Not afraid, but cognizant of it. There's a likeness in him that reflects Endeavor in more than just his left side. That tenacious need to push and strive forward, but there's also his mother there, nestled so deeply no one will ever erase her influence. It's more than just his quiet demeanor. It's perspective. The way he chooses to see the world, through her eyes, recognizing the good in the bad. It's the same way Allen see's the world. Focusing not on the monsters but on the being within. A beautiful perspective and one Shouto wants to see more of. That beauty his mother saw. That inner kindness Allen so readily displays that he sometimes lacks after separating himself from his emotions for so long. Even that hearty desperation that has Allen clinging to him is something he admires. That incessant yearning for someone is another thing he lost growing up, yet he feels that earnest need humming in his chest every time they kiss.

Shouto resurfaces from the kiss, blinking in wonderment at the solid angel gazing down at him. He brushes his hair back with such delicate fingers the urge to kiss him almost outweighs his desire to hear what he has to say and almost misses the implication in those words. ]

If you were at ease, you wouldn't find it hard to breathe.

[ He turns his head to brush his lips against his fingers and lets his hand slip behind his neck, letting his thumb run across the mark he left behind. ]

But then again...

[ He stares at the mark, fixated on the coloration. ]

You make me lose control of my quirk, and I still find you... beautiful.

1/2

[likethelight]

[ Beautiful? He blinks at that, somewhat inexplicably dumbfounded for a moment even as he colors lightly. That's -- not something he's used to hearing being used to describe himself. He stares as Shouto turns his head to brush an absent kiss against his fingers that leaves them tingling, and his expression just becomes so gentle and transparent when he feels his thumb rub the lightly sore spot on his throat. So caught his breath stills.

--it's strange, you know? His whole life he's throttled what he feels back so hard to keep it off his face and put something else there instead. Neutrality when his rage and disgust would have gotten him beaten. A smile when he actually wanted to cry. A pleasant demeanor and white lies to make everyone believe he was okay when he was anything but. And he can't do that with Shouto, not truly. Not about anything that matters. The idea actually becomes abhorrent. That's the thing that leaves him feeling more naked than anything. And even close to a year later he still can't understand why, except that it has to be because of that one simple thing:

I'm more comfortable being myself around you than I am with myself.

So he swallows, blinking rapidly for a moment like he's fighting back tears, before he ducks his head and... ]

2/2

[likethelight]

[ ...laughs quietly.

Helplessly in absolute and utter disbelief, sheer amazement, and shakes his head slightly. Raises it up again as he presses his forehead to Shouto's, smiling so wide and bright even as it's a little mysterious; a little coy. Like fondly sharing some well known secret between just them. ]

I guess it's a mystery then.