Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

[azurestar]

Who: Lance (azurestar) and CR
What: Catch-all for November, after this
When: All of November
Where: Prufrock, Cellar Door, Crenshaw

Content Warnings: discussion of death, murder, trauma/ptsd, psychosis, past torture

( ooc: this is a catchall for Lance this November after his conflict with Reaper and then Maul, though I am trying to keep my new threads this month limited in number, if you have CR with Lance already you are welcome to come plot something with me here or on plurk at spypigeon and we can start something here in this log or I may ask to wait till next month while I get his inbox more caught up and under control if I've already got too much going on, either way I'm happy to plot always! )

Comments

[pabugotmoves]

Wow!

[Can you visibly see his excitement meter rising? Because it is.]

Well I'd never heard of them before and I never had the money to go to the theater until I was an actor but Wu said we should do a show at The Raccoon Room. Because it's a performance space, right? And so I talked to his buddy Ryan and long story short- we're doing a musical! And I'm directing it!

[azurestar]

[For the first time in what feels like a while considering everything that happened before he fell into his semi coma, Lance smiles a bit. It's hard for him to put words to what he's feeling just yet. It's a lot of things.]

Dude, that's awesome. Sounds like just what this town needs too. What musical is it?

[As he says that he goes to pick up Bolin's tray and then gestures for him to follow him out of the room and into the living area where there's a table for them to sit at.]

[pabugotmoves]

[What, no picnic on the bed? You don't like sleeping in crumbs? Live a little, Lance.

But he follows. Pants are for suckers.]

It's uhhhhhh oh! The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Do you know it?

[azurestar]

[It's not his room and it makes him sad. And pants are for suckers when a towel does the job just fine.

He places the food on the table and pulls a chair out for Bolin before sitting down as well.]

Yeah, that's a super old cult classic where I'm from. It was a movie too.

[pabugotmoves]

Right, the movie. [As he smiles and sits and starts helping to unpack the spread]

That's what I've seen. And I've written it all out so we have a script. And I added a little bit. It's gonna be great, I just need to finish finding people to be in it.

I need people with charisma! And drive! And razzle dazzle!

[azurestar]

[Why he didn't realize Bolin was here to ask him to help or be in it, he will probably just chalk up to everything he's been through. There was a time when Bolin wouldn't have even had to lead into asking, he'd have jumped all over it the moment he heard there was a chance to get on the stage. Right now, though… he's conflicted.]

Dude, another time I would totally tell you you came to the right place. Razzle dazzle is like my ultimate catch phrase. [He raises a hand and makes tiny sparkling stars float around his hand as he wiggles his fingers to show that it's now literally something he can provide.] But I dunno, man. A lot's happened…

[pabugotmoves]

[Even better is that Bolin is literally just saying what he needs. It's not a sneaky sideways into getting Lance to volunteer.]

Oh- oh, I wasn't implying.. but now that you mention it there is a part I need to cast and you would be perfect! [He slaps the table excitedly and stands, leaning over their food] Lance- quick- will you wear sequins? Can you dance?

[azurestar]

[Lance blinks, compulsively leaning back a bit in the face of Bolin's enthusiasm. And apparent selective hearing.]

Uh, yeah?

[pabugotmoves]

[It's a talent. He really only hears what he wants to when he's like got a mission.]

Can you sing??

[azurestar]

[He blinks rapidly as he starts to recover from the sudden questions.]

Of course I can. But dude, I dunno if I'm up for it… Besides, I look better in sequins when I'm a chick.

[pabugotmoves]

I.. don't understand what that means. And I don't want to push? But man you would be the best Columbia. I won't be able to see anyone else for the role.

[azurestar]

It means I look better in sequins when I've transformed into a girl. [Lance crosses his arms suddenly feeling a little on guard. It's been a long time since he watched Rocky Horror so…] Uh, remind me which one Columbia is?

[pabugotmoves]

Oh! She's got bright red hair and a golden tuxedo and top hat! But we could make her into a boy.. or.. I. Did not know you can turn into a girl. Have you always been able to do that?

[He awkwardly mimes boobs]

Isn't that weird?

[azurestar]

[The boob miming is a bit much eve for him, and one hand comes up to his head while the other reaches out to gently push Bolin's hands down.]

Man, here I thought you had a guy's part in mind for me. Not sure how I feel about being the only person you can see playing the curvy redhead. [His tone is kinda flat. Then he gets into explaining mode.]

And it's more like the magic in Deerington sometimes took the form of pills that were passed around at a party that can turn you into the opposite sex. I sort of saved a whole lot of them totally unintentionally. And it's actually kinda fun getting in touch with your feminine side and… hiding in someone else's skin. You should try it sometime.

[pabugotmoves]

[Bolin deflates a little bit, realizing his intentions aren't coming across how he means.]

I mean.. maybe. Sure. I've never really thought about it.

Listen, rewind. None of this is coming out right.

I think the beauty of this musical is that gender roles don't mean anything and with the exception of Rocky himself all the parts could be any gender. I see you for Columbia because of her fire and how she lights up every scene she's in. The dazzle, the love story, the showmanship. That's what made me think Lance. I'm sorry it came out that way.

[azurestar]

[Lance's eyebrows go up as he'd definitely not been expecting that. And it visibly touches him. So much so that his cheeks glow a bit (his powers make his blushes glow it's a thing now).]

Oh. Well, I guess I never really thought of it that way. [He lets out a breath. He swallows a thick lump in his throat.] You… really think of me like that?

[This is digging up some emotions he didn't expect. It's strange, but in the wake of what he's recently been through, perhaps he's a little more raw underneath than previously thought. He's gotten much too good at burying everything and now it bubbles up out of the earth wit the oddest triggers.]

[pabugotmoves]

[Trauma is wild like that. Bolin softens even more and sits back down. His body language is open and relaxed, but his attention is solely focused on Lance.]

Of course I do. Lance, you're amazing. You're strong, and fast and funny. Man, the way we took down that monster in Deerington? And when we were on that awful river together? Every time you're in a room it's like you fill it and all the bad things don't matter as much. It's a bad pun but you have to give it to me. That's real star power.

[azurestar]

[Oh. Wow. That's a whole lot of things Bolin just said about him that his entire life he's tried really hard to believe he was and can be. And in recent years after what he's been through it's been near impossible to see himself in such a light. The shame and self loathing has eaten away at him for so long, this comes as… a lot.

He's silent for a moment, trying to keep it together but then pain and grief flash over his face and he has to place his elbows on the table and press his palms into his cheeks and eyes. He's shaking a little, but otherwise not making any significant sounds.]

Th-thanks. [He manages to say in a bit of a strangled voice. Then he swallows again and manages to add:] …the pun was… a nice touch.

[pabugotmoves]

It just came to me.

[The response slipping out as he watches Lance try to.. something.

Man, maybe coming here was a bad idea. It was never his intention to upset his friend, they're only just starting to be buddies. What if Lance doesn't want to be his friend now? No- that's stupid. He's upset because of what happened. He was really, really hurt and then he killed the guy who hurt him and now it's a huge mess. It's stupid to think you just bounce back from something like that, and so fast.

And maybe he should keep a respectful distance, but that just isn't in Bolin's nature. He's a comforter. So sure, he doesn't say anything else but he leans forward a little and lays his hand on Lance's knee with a gentle squeeze. He's here.]

[azurestar]

[When was the last time he let himself feel like this? He can't really remember, and this definitely doesn't feel like something he's allowing. It's just happening. And that's anxiety inducing because with emotions like this comes the glowing under his skin and he has to keep that under control. The touch from Bolin startles him slightly, but he doesn't pull away or want to throw him off.

God, what a time to start crumbling. Bolin is a friend, but they haven't been friends for that long, or gotten super close. He imagines this must be so uncomfortable for him, but he's still here isn't he? Well, Lance is definitely uncomfortable, but that feels like a tiny point of concern right now next to everything he's riding through.

He stays in that position for a bit, how long is hard to say. He's just desperately trying to get it together enough to at least speak like a normal person. Eventually, after intermittent tremors and some hidden away tears, he takes some deep steadying breaths and wipes his face as he pulls his hands away and places them on the table. The shifting ethereal glow of his ability under the surface of his skin is still present, but it's not dangerous.]

Thanks, man. I… dunno where that came from. [And that's not really true, he's just not sure how to talk about it, if he even can, or if Bolin even wants to hear it.]

[pabugotmoves]

That's okay... [A beat. Does he dare? Yes. Yes he does.] Maybe that's part of the problem.

[He knows he has to tread carefully, here, but if he didn't want this then he would have shut it down and would be out the door. He isn't doing any of that. He doesn't move at all, watching Lance with his big, green eyes.]

I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I know what it's like to feel alone and hurt and maybe a little confused about how I'm feeling inside. And for me, letting it out, even if it doesn't make sense or I'm scared I sound crazy always makes me feel better in the end. I can listen. Doesn't have to be now, but the offer won't expire.

[azurestar]

[He honestly can't really remember the last time he opened up to someone about anything. Like really opened up. Chloe was probably the last, it's hard for him to say as a lot of things from Deerington are a blur. His and Bolin's friendship is still new, and he's developed walls, a guard against getting too close only to lose people.

But at the same time, he knows he can't bottle everything right now. He's had enough experience with the way his mind can be influenced towards dark things to know that way leads to more darkness. And Bolin's offer is so genuine and sincere. Though he won't say everything, it can't hurt to talk a little about at least this one thing that's hurting him this moment.

He bites his lip, debating internally and trying to figure out what to say for a good minute.] …I used to really love the spotlight. Y'know? I've got… older brothers and sisters who did all these amazing things before I even got a chance to figure out who I wanted to be. So all I knew for a long time was that I wanted to stand out and… be everything you said you think I am.

[His voice gets a little unsteady on that last part. He heaves a breath and continues:] I've never been that great at actually being it or… really believing I could be it. I was gonna fake it till I made it. But… after everything… I've been going through the motions so nobody will look at me and- and see all that dark stuff inside me. All the things I'm… ashamed of.

[He lets out a slow breath.] And now… everyone knows one of the worst things that's ever happened to me and… that's all they'll see. Maybe that's… really all I am now.

[pabugotmoves]

[Bolin listens quietly and with his full attention, nodding a little here and there and only finally taking his hand back from Lance's knee to rest on the table when he finishes speaking. Then it's his turn to carefully measure his words.

Bolin isn't trained in how to deal with any of this stuff, he can only work from experience. How he's treated other people in the past and his role models. Mako can be a many things, but he raised Bolin right and those lessons have stuck through all his own terrible experiences.]

No, that's not true.

It might feel like that? But from where I'm sitting, I don't think that's the case. I think the people who know you will see their friend. Sure, their friend is going through a really dark time, and they'll see their friend who needs to heal, but when things are dark there's nowhere to go but back to the light. And they'll support you because that's what friends do. Leaning on other people is how things heal and get light again. No one can do it alone.

And all those other people? They don't know you and they don't matter.

[azurestar]

[It's what Lance desperately wants to believe and it does soothe him a bit in this moment to hear it. But he supposes things don't really work the way they do in the Saturday morning cartoons he used to watch with his niece and nephew. A kind and true from the heart speech from a friend doesn't just make the sun come out and all of a sudden you look at yourself and the world in another light. He can try to remember and hold on to it, though.

He offers Bolin a weak smile. A genuine try, though it's clear it struggles to reach his whole face.] Thanks, Bolin.

I… really wish I could take that to heart and believe it just like that, but… I guess it's not that easy. I know you're right up here- [He taps his temple] - it's how my family raised me, but…

[He shakes his head, not able to find the right words to describe just how much has altered how he sees the world and himself. He's not who he used to be and maybe he can never be completely the same again, but…] What I know is… I wanna try to be who I was before and who I was trying to become. I dunno if I can, but I guess I can try…

[The idea of trying visibly scares him. There's always more horror and pain around the corner to keep dragging him down. But what else is he gonna do?]

[pabugotmoves]

That's the spirit.

[It's sink or swim, Lance. And Bolin thinks you're a swimmer.

He nods again. Everything Lance is saying is completely valid.

Hm. He has to think about this. The cogs are whirring. The empathy is flowing. The heart is bleeding.]

You know, I kind of think this is just what happens when you grow up. A lot of things have happened to me and I know I'm not the same person I was three or four or even a year ago. And I kind of miss the times when my biggest problem was if we were going to eat that day. But at the same time? Given the chance to go back I don't think I would.

All those painful things... they forced me to make a choice. To figure out what I believe in, even if that thing didn't always turn out how I wanted it to. They forced me to be stronger, even when it hurt or was really scary. And I got through it because I wasn't alone.

I get what you're saying and I support you.. and I know these things take time. No one will expect you to just be okay all of a sudden. What I'm saying is: I think you're a fighter and you have so much to offer that you would be doing yourself a huge disservice not to try. Just be you.