deercountry | If you get a feeling next time you see me, do me a favor and let me know

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ryan akagi: billie sue

If you get a feeling next time you see me, do me a favor and let me know - SEMI-CLOSED

Who: Ryan Akagi [

chickenchoicejudy] and Close CR, with open prompts to be added when the event goes live.
What: Ryan is having a pretty hard time with the paleblood effects this month. Body of the post is a general summary of where he's at, and starters will be in comments.
When: All of March
Where: Various locations - likely haunts are Cellar Door, Crenshaw (specifically Mouse House or Min-Gi's place), and the boardwalk. Event locations to be added later!

Content Warnings: Severe hallucinations, severe face blindness, corruption, unintentional self harm (scratching).

It started mild enough - with mushrooms of all things. Nothing to actually worry anyone about.

At first he hadn't even realized they weren't real. There's plant life growing in abundance all over Trench and it made perfect sense for mushrooms to be one of those things. It wouldn't have even been the first time mysterious mushrooms popped up out of nowhere. Ryan leaves them be and barely thinks about it.

Then they start growing out of people. That's when it becomes apparent that...no one else can see them. He's moved to gently tug them off of people only to realize he can't grip them. His hand slips through and they vanish.

And that's...concerning. But it could be worse?

And about a week into the month, it absolutely gets worse. He starts having trouble recognizing people. People he's known for ages now catch him in the street and he can't make his brain put together the shapes of their faces into something he recognizes. Mushrooms obscure other features that might make identifying them easier - hair, clothing, frequently worn accessories. Any time he starts to focus on something, mushrooms start to sprout and block his view.

He makes excuses. He spends more time on the network because he craves interaction but it's less stressful that way. He texts people more frequently, even when he would normally see them in person. Even if they're literally nearby he might text them, just to make sure. Just to watch a faceless someone react when their Omni dings.

Sometimes he catches himself in the mirror and doesn't recognize who looks back at him, which is a problem he's never had before. He doesn't want to talk about it, because it feels absolutely insane to try and explain it to anyone, but also because he's lost any and all ability to recognize people by that point. Who would he even tell? But, it's also become impossible to hide. Not when there's no recognition in his eyes when someone says hello to him. Not when he texts someone several times to ask where they are, including when he's standing right next to them.

He's in a sea of strangers, and it's disorienting. It's even a little scary, particularly in public. He's losing his grip and it's slipping further and further from him, but maybe if he like, tried harder? This is a stupid problem he's having. A stupid dumb problem that he should be able to just...get over and walk off.

The mushrooms even grow on him sometimes. At his worst, small fluorescent green ones will sprout out of his right palm in the shape of a 202 and he'll scratch at it desperately, leaving harsh red marks behind. Even places will start to look unfamiliar, as the confusion only gets worse and worse as the month goes on.

[ooc: Top Levels coming soon, open top levels coming when the event goes live. Hit me up at

goodhotcocoa if you want something in particular!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[It's not an answer, but an answer won't actually change anything. Min should have told him, he absolutely should have, but it doesn't change what's happening now.

And what's happening now is that he feels nauseous. His thoughts are racing again, but this time he tries to muffle them so Min can't hear. He tangles his fingers in his hair near his temple and screws his eyes shut and tries to focus:

è̢̕w̧̛͝͡͡ ̶̛̛́͠
̶͢͝ẁ͟҉͝a̵̧͝ś̵͘͠ ̷̧͜m͞͠y̵̡̛͢ ̡͘s̢̢͝ó͝͞҉u̸͘͠҉l̨͡ ̷̧̧a̶͡͠͝l͞ẁ̸̴̀̕a̶̵͜y̶̨̕͡s҉̶̨̕͝ ̴̨g̛̀͝r̶̛̀͜o̷̸͡ẁ̢͟į͟҉n̕g̨͡ ̴̷̀͠͞m̸͜͢ơ̢͞ĺ̸͞͏d̨̢̢͝?̢̡́͢
̕҉̀m͘a̸͞͠y̶̨b̨̢e̢͜͞ ͜͜i͘͜͡t̸̶͡ ̶͏̡͏ẃ̢a̧̛͘ś̶ ̷̡a͟͞l̷͘̕w͏̵͟͡á̶͘y̶̴̕͏͢ś̸̸̕͟ ̨́̕t̵͢h̶̴e̵̡r̀͏̧́e͡
͏į̸̛͟t̕͏̵́͝ ҉̵͏͘ẃ̶͟͡ơ̸̷̢͝u̸͘l͏̧͞͏d̶̨̧ ̵͠͡è̴͟͟͞x̷̛̀͘͢p҉̧̢́͞l̛͘a̸̶͝҉i̡҉́͟ń̴̴͜͢-̨͟͠-͟҉
҉̢-̢͟͞-̴̴̡͢'̴̢̕͝͞m̴̨ ͏̵͟͢s̨͡i̢͞c̀́͞k̸̴̛͘͞?̵̵
̢͜͜w̵̨̕̕͞ì̶̸l̷̢͜l͢͝ ̵̨̀͜I̴̕-̀̀-҉̵͢͟͠
̡͢͜͠͞i̴͟͢f̶̨̀͢͟ ̧̀͝i͜͝͠t̸̵͘'̸́s̷̡̕͟͠ ̵̴̵̛́n͏͞͡o̕͞t͏̸̕͡ ̨̡́̕͝j̶̸̢̀͟u̶̵ş̶́͠͠t̷͡͏ ̀͏̵m̷͢ý̸̸͟ ̵̧͟b̧̢͟ļ̧ò͞o͟͏̀͜͝d̡̧̕͝,̡҉̶́ ͏̸̛͏ţ̷́͡h́͠é̸̕͡n̡͏
̀́̀́t͏͢h̵̴̴̛͠e̶͜͏̶ǹ̴̢̨͡

t̝̬͔̭̲̓͊̔ͨ́ͬͭ̕h̶̼̱͈ͤ̔̈́̽́̋̒͢͠ë̷̯͍̦̳̯́̌͒̔ͣͫ̄̆͡n̛̹͓͇̺͚͇̣͛̌̎͐̇̒͑-̝̮͈ͫ̈́ͤ̅͌̃͘͡͠-̖͚͇̼̟͍̰͉̂̿ͯ̔ͩ͆̂̚

When he opens his eyes, there's something deeply unnatural in them and they give off a faint glow as the green-brown soul mold spreads. Then he blinks and it's gone, but the bruises on his aura are still there. ]

I--

[What should he even say at this point?]

...Sorry.

[It's reluctant and resigned, but it's there. Min's just trying to help and Ryan is being a jackass and making everything worse.]

[The static that shoots through Ryan's head is sudden and startling, but not as startling as the physical reflection of it in his eyes.

No, not reflection. They're like screens, pixelated and fragmented, and it's terrifying.

Wide eyed, Min-Gi's heart clenches as tight as his lungs freeze. The residual burst static is still in Min's head, pieces of words like an out of tune radio swinging through frequencies. A taunting, hissing tune of Always there. Sick.

No, no, no no no no, that isn't what he meant!

Wait, what did Ryan say? He didn't hear. What did that mean? What just happened?? That rot is still spreading, is it his fault? Is he doing this to Ryan? This is why he didn't want to say anything!]

Ryan-

[It's a wheeze, thin and desperate and...

...and afraid.]

[Ryan rubs at his eyes under his glasses, as if there's a residual itch left behind from the static, and looks to Min...whose face is still obscured by mushrooms. It hits him that not only can he not see that it's Min, but he can't see the expression on his face. There's fear, he can feel fear but he doesn't know if it's his own or Min's or if Min is afraid of him.

Could be ç̷̀ơ̷̢͡n̵̕͘͘͞t͏̴̶a͝͏͘͟g̸̸̛̀i̶̧̧̕ó̶̷̢͜u̶̕s̷͢͞, after all.

His guitar is forgotten on the couch next to him, and he pulls his legs up so he can curl in on himself.]

...Say something?

[It's a small, tired plea that comes with a heavy sigh.]

I. I can't, you know-- [And he gestures in a circle in front of his own face, unable to make more descriptive words happen.] So. ...Say something.

[A small beat. He's struggling to snap back. Thankfully, his words summon themselves before his mind.]

I'm here.

[Breathe. In. Out. Then he moves, carefully approaching the sofa like Ryan might spook any second and lash out. Like he's a cornered, wild horse or something.

Carefully, carefully, he crouches down and rests his hands on Ryan's socked toes. ]

I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Just close your eyes and listen, okay? Can you hear me? You recognize my voice?

[Ryan tenses at first - he's not entirely sure if he wants to be touched, to expose himself even more, but...things are already pretty terrible. How much worse can Ryan actually make them.

He takes a deep breath in and out, the same way Min did, and he closes his eyes. He lets himself ease on exhale, just a little, and he nods. Letting himself be soothed by this brings a different inner tension though, and when Ryan speaks his voice wavers.]

Y-Yeah. Yeah. ...I'd know it anywhere.

[Would he though? He thought he'd know Min's face anywhere too and now it's covered in mushrooms.

That train of thought in a dangerous one though and he breathes again. In...and out.]

[Don't go that way. Don't let it drag you under. His voice can't be covered in mushrooms. And this is just a little touch with fabric between them. If Ryan pulls away after all then Min-Gi will respect it. He forgets, in moments like these, what touch means to them now. What it comes with, what a double edged sword it is.

And yet, here he is still touching without considering what might come smashing into him as a result. It's Ryan, how could put that kind of barrier between them?

The warble in Ryan's voice pulls a lump into Min-Gi's own throat. It's hard to swallow around but he persists. Heart aching, face (though hidden) pinched in worry he can't begin to articulate.]

Okay. Okay, that's good. You just- just keep your eyes closed and breathe and we'll sit right here, okay? As long as it takes.

[It isn't a tidal wave this time. Ryan is still holding back - he's holding back so much, so certain that all of the things he's feeling will be too much. Even if Min says they aren't, even if he insists he can take it...Ryan can't do that to him. Not now.

Some things do leak through, but most of it is fear. A deep pit of fear that this might be more than the stupid mushrooms and what that would mean if it was. A fear that he's too much, way much more than he usually is, but that's cut by Min's reassurances.

That being said, it's ridiculous how relieved he feels just listening to Min's voice. It's easy to pretend the mushrooms are gone, and he can almost see the concerned look he must have. He doesn't like that he's put Min in a position where he has to worry about him, but...he knows that tone and he knows the faces that go with it.

With his eyes shut, it's like nothing's wrong at all.]

As long as it takes to...what, exactly?

[Because as soon as he opens his eyes, the mushrooms will be back. They'll cover everything. Maybe they'll cover him too.]

I mean. We can't stay like this all month? [A beat. The reaction is delayed, but this is helping enough that he can make a tiny little quip.] ...your legs will fall asleep.

Then I guess they’ll fall asleep.

[Like it’s that easy. Like he can’t feel the hurricane unfurling from Ryan’s chest threatening to destroy them both.

But you know what? Fuck the hurricane. He’ll fight it.

…

Or find a way around. Something a little less…requiring feet amputation by the end.

Be brave. Ryan needs him now more than ever.]

Orrr you could let me come up there with you. I’ve got some lyrics I’ve been working on. I could take you through them?

[Ryan considers this for a moment. He's...not sure he's up for a full body cuddling, but at Min can at least come up on the couch. He doesn't have to make him crouch there and be even more uncomfortable.

So...he nods. He doesn't open his eyes, but he does blindly reach for his guitar and set it down near its case on the ground. He doesn't really feel like trying to put it away blind. Then he turns, curling more into the corner of the couch but facing where Min will wind up sitting. Once he feels Min's weight shift the cushions, he reaches out with his foot to nudge him - as if to confirm for sure that he's here.

The thought of listening to lyrics makes his heart ache for the show they almost certainly aren't going to play tonight, but. They're Min's lyrics, and Min always does wonders with words.]

...Yeah. Sure. Let's hear it, dude.

[He worries that he doesn't have enough enthusiasm, but all of this has really knocked the wind out of him.]

[That’s okay. It’s not really about the lyrics, it’s about having something to talk about that isn’t this fresh new Hell.

Min-Gi sits and fires off a quick text to Wu letting him know they’re not coming before opening up his omni-notes (yes, shut up) and clearing his throat.

Absently, he rests his free hand juuust by where Ryan has his foot tucked against him, close enough to brush without being a planned barometer move.

Likewise, if it even works this way, he isn’t sure he wants to give up just how scared and upset he is when he’s working so hard to put on a brave face. Can’t be anywhere near as scared and upset as Ryan is… but. You know.]

Okay so.. they’re not done, like, at all? And I’m not sure about the melody yet so jump in when you hear the right one but I’ve been thinking something like. Ahem, ok:

Wake up in a city made of moonlight and stone
These cobbled streets will bring us to a place we’re not alone
Oh, it’s a litany for Antinous the lover but this isn’t Rome and I’d never let you drown
No, I’ll never let you drown-

Uh..something something I haven’t really figured out the chorus yet. But I was thinking about following a doorway theme? The gate, cellar door, portals to another world.

[Ryan listens, letting the lyrics wash over him. They paint a really comforting picture, and for the first couple of lines he just listens and doesn't try to find his place in it. He takes the obvious one though, humming a harmony to pair with "No, I'll never let you drown-", going higher where Min goes lower.

Min would never let him drown. No, Min will never let him drown.

A deep fondness breaks through the fear, and it makes the parts of his aura that are sill red shine bright.]

I really like it, Min. I like where it's going.

[He doesn't immediately pitch chorus ideas, but he's paying attention. Which is why he asks--]

So, who's Antinous the lover?

[He didn't pay much attention in History and didn't care enough to go learn about it on his own.]

[Of all the things to focus on, Ryan had to pick that one. Of course he did. Of course.

Min-Gi flusters with a heavy pbbfffth and curses the consequences of his own direct action.

So much for being subtle because they absolutely did not learn this in school. They information was discovered in high school, sure, but taught? No way in Hell.]

He was uh.

uh.

[Its actually a relief that Ryan’s eyes are closed because Min is bright red and looks slightly scandalised.

He rubs the back of his neck.]

He was, you know,

[No, Ryan does know. That’s why he’s asking, he really, really doesn’t know.]

Nnngh! Okay in Ancient Rome he was Emperor Hadrian’s like,

[Spit it out.]

Lover. For real. And when he drowned, Hadrian built a city right there on The Nile and made him a god and gave him his own cult of worshippers. Which is pretty extra and sort of impractical because you can’t just decide someone gets to be a god, but pretty romantic I guess.

[Ryan can't help himself - he peeks one eye open, hoping that he'll be able to see that flustered face. He can hear it in Min's voice, feel it in that light touch, but-- nope. Nope, that's still just a face full of emotionless mushrooms.

Great.

He shuts his eyes again and lets out a sigh. At least with his eyes shut he can almost picture Min's face on his own. He hates this though. He hates not being able to see it, and to have it replaced by something so deeply unsettling.

The story is sweet though, at least the way Min tells it is. He's never heard of Antinous or Hadrian, or if he has he's long since forgotten about it, but he likes to think this would have stuck out in his mind. A man the emperor loved so much that after his death, he made a whole city for him and gave him an entire religious following and that's...]

...Definitely romantic. I mean, it sounds like he wanted everyone to love Antinous as much as he did, right? He tried to make sure no one forgot about him. He never forgot about him.

[And for someone who craves attention the way Ryan does, it's an incredible gesture.]

Sure, the literal god part was a bit far, but. I dunno. It still sounds nice to me?

Yeah..

[Soft as he contemplates it, watching Ryan as though he were a gentleman in repose. Like maybe they're just relaxing instead of hiding from the incurable, creeping domination of whatever it is eating one of them alive.

Eating both of them alive, really.]

I guess if you're The Emperor of Rome you can do anything you want. He made sure that all of history would never forget the person he loved most in the world and it worked.

[Sort of in the tone of I'd do that for you, but he doesn't want to bring up a morbid concept right now.]

Waking up a god would be kinda wild though.

Edited 2022-03-15 02:48 (UTC)

[Ryan sort of is in repose, or at least he looks like he is - he's leaning against the back of the couch with his eyes shut. If his eyes were open, his hair would be falling in them. But he keeps a small, tired smile on his face that isn't entirely faked. He likes listening to Min, and it does help. He even laughs a little at the last bit.]

Totally. Like, what would you even do with an entire city? Or-- you wake up and it's like "here babe, I got you a whole cult of followers who'll do anything you want!". It's definitely overkill.

[He lets things fall quiet though, whether it's a silence between both of them or just listening while Min talks. But even if he doesn't call attention to it out loud, he blindly reaches out and holds out his hand. He's feeling very slightly less fragile emotionally and wants that connection to Min. He can hear him and he knows he's there, but he craves a more tactile comfort.

It feels stupidly needy of him. It's dumb to feel lonely when you're only sitting a foot away from someone. Still, he reaches out anyway and gestures for Min to take his hand.]

[He does. Immediately. Ryan reaches and Min meets him without any hesitation. Truth is, he's been pining to drag Ryan into his arms since this whole ordeal began.

It's there, the want, should Ryan glean it. Just like how Min-Gi feels Ryan's loneliness which makes him ache.]

Nothing says I love you like a city and a cult?

[Beats the heck out of some flowers or whatever. Diamonds? What says I love you. Breakfast in bed? A new guitar strap?

It gives him an idea, anyway, and he picks back up the melody he's been kicking around. ]

Oh, I can't give you a city~ and I can't make you a god 🎵

What rhymes with god.. bod?

[Min laughs. Ridiculous.]

[Ryan can feel it. And admittedly, it did help the last time he was overwhelmed with emotion, but...it still feels like too much, for now. It's one thing when he's telling Min about something objectively horrible that happened to him, but it's another when he feels like his problems aren't solvable. He doesn't want to just smother him in negative feelings. He doesn't want to be totally miserable to be around.

The rhyme suggestion gets a started laugh out of him though.]

But maybe I can tempt you with my righteous bod? 🎵

[But then he realizes what else rhymes with god, and he gasps and squeezes Min's hand. The red in his aura brightens from the small burst of excitement, and it seems like a huge victory - even if the line isn't any less of a joke than the other one. He sings it with Min's melody, but it's still very...familiar.]

But life's so odd when you're a cephalopod! 🎵

[Sorry Min, but you walked right into that one.]

Edited 2022-03-15 04:44 (UTC)

[UGH!! That is the absolute last thing Min-Gi is expecting and he laughs loud and startled, squeezing Ryan's hand threaded into his.]

Ryan!

[Why are you like this?? But also, please never, ever change.]

Dude, we can't have cephalopod in every song. [He's still laughing, though, pretending to be so damn hard done by.]

We'll have to change our name to Squid Choice Judy and it just doesn't have the same ring.

[Ryan's still giggling and for a second, everything is normal. He just has has his eyes shut because he's laughing so hard, that's all. Everything is fine.]

Sounds like a challenge to me! We could be, I dunno, Squid Selection Trudy?

[He's still kidding, obviously. It doesn't have a good ring at all, and cephalopod is a ridiculous word to put in every song.

But okay, okay. No more jokes, actual helping now that he's slowly feeling like he has a brain again.]

Hm...what if we reverse it? Like maybe--

Oh, I can't make you a god, and I can't give you a city,
but will you stay for eternity?

...Something like that?

[Squid Selection Trudy sounds like a bargain basement rip off, he thinks, but they've moved on by the time he's done laughing so it stays in the ether between them.

Besides, the lyric switch has his attention.]

That's perfect, Ryan. You really have gotten good at this.

[And so we recap. As he does, he tugs a little for Ryan to come and cuddle. If he wants. If the tug is denied he'll back down.]

Wake up in a city made of moonlight and stone
These cobbled streets will bring us to a place we’re not alone
It’s a litany for Antinous the lover but this isn’t Rome and I’d never let you drown
No, I’ll never let you drown

Oh, I can't make you a god, and I can't give you a city
but will you stay for eternity?

[Hmm hmm, he's off script, now. Where to go next. Gateways, doorways.. eternity]

Hold my hand, and we'll jump with both feet
The water's deep but with you it's sweet
I'll take you out to Doorway, in the silver gleam
I'll swear under the weeping cherry this is not a dream

Oh, I can't make you a god, and I can't give you a city
but will you stay for eternity?

[Yes. A thousand times yes.

He flushes a little at the compliment though - Min's still a million times better at lyrics than he is. He always digs so deep for them, and Ryan just knows how to rhyme and sing about the familiar.]

I guess I've had time to practice? It's about time I got on your level.

[The thought of making these promises before Doorway is extremely intimidating, but that just makes them more powerful. He hums a little and decides to try a bridge.]

I can give you my heart, give you my soul
Just reach down and pull me up out of this hole
I'm losing my mind and I'm losing control
And every small thing is taking its toll--

[He had just letting it flow out, stream of consciousness style, but he seems to realize that he's dipped a little deeper than usual and stumbles on the end.]

--But you won't let me drown.
...No, you'll never let me drown.

[A pause, and then an awkward laugh.]

I don't know if any of this works. I'm just trying stuff.

[Min listens as Ryan takes the wheel, reaching for the little notebook he always seems to carry in his back pocket, and scribbling down everything he's added and everything Ryan adds on after. This is really starting to take some kind of actual shape.

Right up until the end where Ryan seems to become aware of himself and punts the ball back over at Min-Gi hard enough to hurt.

Consider, also, while this is occurring, Min is still trying to tempt Ryan into his arms. Blind. So it's a lot of wrangling and writing and shifting around on the couch to make it happen at the same time. Some elbows were probably involved. There was definitely a sharp hiss at one point. But it's all fine in the end. Probably.]

No, no no I liked that. That was good. What was the end? Taking it's toll?

[Ignoring the panicked stretch back to the first verse. He knows they can do better. Seeing the words on paper gives the opportunity to really reflect on the unedited babble. It's deep. It's really deep. And relatable. And raw. It's really good stuff in the way Good Stuff can twist into your gut and make a bed for it'self whether you want it to or not.

Then, playful,]

Are you reading my mind again?

Edited 2022-03-15 07:12 (UTC)

[It's really hard to maneuver into Min's arms when he's trying to keep his eyes shut, but even with all of his hesitations he curls himself into that familiar space. He tenses when Min clarifies the lyrics and surely Min can feel the bundle of nerves in him, gripping his heart.]

Yeah. ...Something like that. I don't like it though. Too much of a bummer.

[There's a soft buzzing in his head that Min will be able to hear now that they're this close. He's holding back - letting himself go into that unfiltered creative space is harder when he knows Min can feel the emotions that come with it.

It isn't all bad though. He's able to laugh when Min teases him. They both know he's not reading his thoughts, but it's a joke between them now that will never die and he's just as playful in answering.]

Nooooo, I'm not...

[He's laying with Min's arm draped over him, hugging it like it's a stuffed animal. Everything feels like so much, but without identifying the actual things he's feeling it's just...an overwhelming shadow inside him.

When his voice finally comes out, it's small. A tiny fraction of what he's mulling over.]

...You really think we should cancel?

[Since his eyes have been shut, he didn't see that Min already texted Wu. God, he doesn't want to cancel, but...it doesn't really sound like there's any avoiding it anymore.]

Yeah.. I think we really should. I'll text him now.

[Saves him a little drama of having already done it. Wu's responses seem..crazy positive, actually. Min-Gi isn't sure he has the brain span to take it apart. All he can do is focus on Ryan.

He even leaves the lyrics, though they'll be mulling around in the back of his head for a while. An interesting but extremely relatable snapshot into Ryan's perspective.

Omni set back down next to them, he smooths his fingers through Ryan's hair. They find themselves in this position a lot, especially dealing with difficult, painful topics. It's a bit more comfortable than crying in a bathtub or a mega maze, have to admit.]

Weird blood stuff is usually connected to the month, right?

[Ryan sighs, but...he doesn't move to stop him.]

Okay.

[His voice sounds distant to himself, completely empty. He hates this so much, more than words can even say. He doesn't want to be too sick in the head to play. He wants to get out under the stage lights and forget every problem he's ever had - doing the thing he loves with the person he loves.

Thankfully, he still has one out of the two. Min combs his fingers through Ryan's hair, and Ryan hugs his arm a little closer. It feels good and soothing, though...he can't help but wish he wasn't the one who always seemed to need this kind of comfort.]

Yeah. ...Yeah, they said that at the Archives, I think. So...it'll go away?

[He doesn't mean for it to sound so much like a question. It just sort of slips out that way.]

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