[And just like that, Ryan is left hanging, hands outstretched as Min pulls away.]

...Huh? Min?

[But Min's withdrawing, and the world around them is getting darker. A fog is rolling in, and it's getting legitimately harder to see. Ryan's hands go up, likke he's placating him.]

W-We don't have to do Prom! It was just an idea. We can do whatever you want! Or-- we don't have to do anything.

[Maybe he was pushing too hard? But it's more than that. It has to be more than that. This little cosmic coin purse adventure hasn't made all of their problems go away.]

Min, just talk to me!

[A beat. He won't look Ryan in the eye.]

What's there to say? I'm obviously not doing this right. Or not doing something right. Even now I'm corrupting more and more.

[Why does that hurt so much to say? Emotion prickles up. This should be the same as talking about having a cold or breaking your leg, right? It's a treatable illness. But saying it out loud, identifying and admitting that's what's happening even though it's obvious... it tastes like poison on his tongue.]

I don't even know what's wrong with me. We just figured out my powers! I should be better!

[A hard breath. There are phantoms in this fog. Every whisper of self doubt and anxiety that have been stacking in Min-Gi's throat since he washed up.]

I don't- I don't think I'm cut out to do this, Ryan. I'm not strong enough. There's no end goal, here, this is just what life is now. I don't know how to handle that.

[Ryan stays quiet and listens.

It's a lot for Min to get off his chest, and even this probably isn't all of it if he's corrupting so much that he's sprouting claws. But...it's a start. And listening is the least Ryan can do for him after Min spent all of last month taking care of him.

He wants to reach out and touch him, but Min's made it clear he doesn't want to be touched right now. But...he at least moves a little closer - a clear show that he's not going anywhere.]

Min...nobody's cut out to do this. I'm not. Neither are Wu or Mako, or Shiro, or anyone else we know. Everyone's just figuring things out as they go. You're seriously not doing anything wrong.

[He takes a deep breath, knowing the next bit will be harder to talk about. But...he needs to, for Min's sake.]

And like. I don't think your powers have anything to do with your corruption? Honestly, mine got harder to use when I was doing bad last month so you're already doing better than I did. But that doesn't matter, because it's not a competition. It's-- it's a sickness, Min. It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, even if it probably feels like it. That's...

[...]

...it's the corruption lying to you. It does that.

[Seems like a lot of things inside of him are lying.

Or maybe he's lying to himself. Is Ryan just saying all this to try to make him feel better? Because they're inside his powers right now and it could all fall apart at any second and expose them to the robot they're currently hiding from? Because he's growing claws and very visibly breaking to pieces? Maybe, who knows, not him!

And objectively, Ryan saying this is him opening up. It's him reaching out to Min-Gi through a shared experience and that's a big, important deal.

But man, something about it just rubs right up under his hackles.

That's the corruption too, isn't it? Or is this like the art gallery car and it's all real, just unfiltered. Min told Ryan he was sick last month.. this month he's sick? That feels kinda bullshit. They both suffered last month, isn't that enough? ]

So what's causing it then?

[Min won't like his answer. He sighs.]

...I don't know. I've heard people say it's blood pollution? But that can't be all of it. If it was everyone would be corrupted like, all the time.

[That isn't the answer Min wants though, and he knows that. But he also knows there isn't a clear cut answer either, a specific thing that could have been done to avoid it.]

I mean, if I had to take a guess though...stress? Like, last month was so fucked up.

[Ryan rubs the back of his neck and glances away.]

But I don't actually know. Sometimes it's a lot of stuff all at once. ...Maybe that's part of why you're supposed to talk about it though? I can't know what's causing it if I don't know what's going on with you.

[But even then, he can only give his best guess. All he can do is try to support Min and be there for him.]

[All good information. Information Min-Gi has said to Ryan before, hunkered down in their recording studio.

But there's more to it than all that, isn't there. It's not just Ryan (unintentionally?) throwing it all back in his face. Even though it feels like that (he's doing it on purpose, Min-Gi. You're dragging him down again.)

It sounds like there's some personal experience in there. (You're holding Ryan back.)

And Ryan is right, he doesn't like the answer. It's not concrete, and what he wants is a pinpoint on the map. (Impossible, you're asking too much.)]

Yeah.. You know about this, huh?

[There's absolutely personal experience in there, more than he'd like to admit. So in a very Ryan move...he shrugs.]

...A little, yeah.

[They're talking about Min right now though. He's not going to turn around and make this all about him with some stupid sob story no one can do anything about.]

What triggered it? I don't know what to talk about, everything is pissing me off. But it can't just be-

[A vague gesture, not taking his hands from his pockets.]

-everything.

[Oh, boy. What a loaded question. Ryan isn't sure how to answer that one.]

Well-- maybe not literally everything.

[He plays with the hair by his ear, tucking it back. Stalling.

Meanwhile, the space around them flickers. Min-Gi wants to know, and so it responds accordingly.]

But...sometimes it's a lot? Or like, I dunno. Like there's so much going on that you can't just point at one thing and go "Oh, that's totally the thing making me lose my fucking mind".

[Around them, scenes start to play at rapid speed, as if someone hit fast forward on the VCR. Some moments are so small that they go by with barely a blip before the next scene appears.]

Sometimes it'll be something stupid that everyone else is handling better than you.

[Standing in front of the shittiest place he could have possibly picked to live, looking up at it tiredly. Getting absolutely shitfaced at a party and being lucky enough that the person who noticed was Shiro. Being haunted by some horrifically miserable looking version of himself that seemed to suck all his energy away. Blink-and-you'll-miss-it jump scares of that figure turning into Min himself as the scene speeds by.

Ryan doesn't seem to notice any of this happening. He stares at his hands and feels...far away as he talks about it.]

And then other times it's like, big obvious bullshit that you can't get away from that just takes over...everything.

[The scene darkens, fast forwarding through some kind of industrial complex. Ryan in a red jumpsuit, barefoot and gagging on the scent of his own blood. Looking down at his hands, not just because they're covered in blood but because there's a glowing number there. Someone addresses Ryan and it vanishes. He hides his hand.

Then they're out and Ryan in the memory is laughing, completely unhinged and warped from the fast forwarding but still probably uncomfortably familiar. He's laughing and laughing until the memory is eaten up by static.]

Even when you want to be done with it, it just hangs onto you. It makes people worry about you when you just want it to be over so you can just go back to normal already.

[He spends so long in bed that aside from the twitch of film here and there as he tosses and turns, it almost seems paused. A series of worried texts from Wu that abruptly cuts to Ryan crying on him like a child. Sitting on Wu and Mako's couch while Tomo and Zuko bully him into eating.

Ryan throws his hands in the air, frustrated with his total inability to explain anything worth a damn.]

And then! Then sometimes it's just fucking, mushrooms or whatever!

[Mushroom-faced people looking at him. A mushroom-faced man who could easily have been Min from a distance, but as he approaches the Raccoon Room's stage it becomes more and more apparent that it's actually Mako. Glowing green mushrooms in a 202 on Ryan's hand, as he desperately scratches over and over, until he's grabbed--

The video cuts out. The tape ends. The theater lights come back on, twinkling in the dark all around them. Ryan sighs.]

Sorry. This probably isn't actually helpful?

[The vignettes rise up out of the darkness like one of those new IMAX movies. They're all around, clashing and enormous and raw. A phenomenon that Min-Gi might find incredible if the feature wasn't a collection of Ryan's darkest moments.

(Look what he's gone through without me..)

Ryan doesn't seem to see them, and it occurs to Min somewhere between the body farm and mistaking Mako for him that maybe Ryan can't see that it's happening. That maybe these are playing through his powers which he's already said he can't see.

(I'm making him do this, am I forcing him? Does he know?)

If that's the case then it feels a little dirty to be privy to the replay, even if it's what he wanted. Kind of. He wanted to know, he didn't want to see. He's relived Ryan's pain intimately, experiencing it as though it were his own and it almost wrecked him. He did it to help Ryan, scared of him corrupting. This isn't that, is it? This is about him being sick, so does seeing this help or does it just make it all worse? It's voyeuristic, without knowing the word. And for that he feels guilty. Dirty.

(He doesn't.. this is so wrong, I shouldn't be spying on him. This is unfair.)

But he watches on and they summon the same feelings as before. Intense grief and forlorn sorrow which weave into the negativity already so heavy in his core. That pain begins to prickle in his eyes and cut off his lungs, and he feels, on top of everything else, more helpless than ever.

The last vision lingers in his mind, bright green numbers seared into flesh. He hears, or perhaps imagines, a familiar whirring noise from his pocket.

Right back to the start. No, no this can't be real. It isn't real because they aren't on the train, even if that thing is out there trying to take them back! This is- this is just their powers combining into something terrible, right?

(Think about prom, think about anything good, make it go away-)

But he can't. All he can think about, all he can see as he pulls out his hand, disgusting and shaky and spilling green light out from between clenched fingers, is the number he went through so much, almost died, to get rid of.

(Make it go away.

I deserve this but he doesn't.

I'm a monster for forcing him.)

He takes a breath and holds it, ignoring Ryan's words for a second. He heard them, he did, but he can't think right now. He can't think and his chest is tight and little shattering cracks work their way up his throat, neck and cheek from trying to contain it. It stings, and he flinches, but he can't stop it. He can't stop anything, not even his own fingers from forcing open to see the number on his palm.]

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Edited 2022-04-20 00:23 (UTC)

[Since Ryan is only experiencing about half of this, he has no idea what exactly he said that would make this so much worse. Min is literally cracking at the seams. Min's-- he's corrupting right in front of him, and he didn't even realize this was happening to him until now. He dragged him around all day shopping without realizing what was happening inside of him, what it was doing to him.

He thought it would be fun, that they could hang out outside the house for the first time in forever, but now? He just wishes he could take it all back, if it meant Min would be okay.

He hears that mechanical whirr and his heart drops into his stomach. It doesn't register that it's coming from Min at first - he assumes it's something he's hearing in his head, something that isn't real, and it's so fucked up that it has to happen now, when he needs to help Min. Can't he hold himself together for two seconds?

But when Min opens his hand, there's no mistaking what's there. Ryan stares, too stunned to speak.

They can both see it. Unfortunately, that passes his go-to reality test.

Ryan's hands are shaking, but he makes himself look at his own palm anyway...but, there's nothing there. Not even a zero.

His feet are carrying him toward Min before he fully processes what is happening here, and what it really means. He goes from not being able to say anything to being as forceful as a hurricane.]

Min! Min-Gi, we're not on the train! That's not-- it's there but it isn't what it looks like!

[Up close, he can really see the cracks spreading across Min's skin. How long have they been there? Did he just not notice them until now?]

I-I don't know what's happening but we'll figure it out! I'm here, Min.

[Despite his words, he feels uncertain, and even a little scared for Min. Min is literally going through what he's been through, but in a way that seems even worse somehow.

Did he do this? Is corruption contagious? Did it mutate into something worse in Min?

He shuts his eyes tight and once he opens them again he repeats himself.]

We'll figure it out!

[If it's worse it's only because Min-Gi has done it to himself. He's ignored every warning he's had about corruption, every warning he's harped on Ryan with, every book, every offer of help, every reminder that they need to be open and together to get through it.

He'd said okay and made notes and extended what he's learned, but never stopped to apply it to himself. Why? Because he's Min-Gi Park. He's solid, he can Handle It.

Turns out he can't.

And his fear of failure is a self fulfilling prophecy.

One thing after another after another, tied and lit like a string of firecrackers on a hot summer evening. And now they're exploding.

Ra-ta-ta-ta ra-ta-ta-ta!

From the corner of his tunnel vision, Min-Gi thinks Ryan is moving towards him and he takes a reflexive step back - closing his glowing fist.

He looks startled, scared, and of course he is.]

I don't want to go back to the train!

[He doesn't want to die there, or here. He doesn't want to go through endless trials, he just wants to live his life and make music. Maybe try being happy for once. Being himself, free of expectation and all this god damn pressure!

Ra-ta-ta-ta ra-ta-ta-ta!

He snuffles, hard.]

Ryan I-

(I'm scared!)

[Behind him, the flexing, infinite cosmos pulls and weaves itself into the looming shapes of home. His parent's house, Dumpty's, the imposing shadow of university. All the things he rejected to be free. All the things he rejected to be with Ryan. Starting over here is almost as scary as going back to all those things. Different but no less visceral.]

I wanna go home. I want us to go home, I don't want to do this anymore! I just want things to go back to how they were, why is that so hard!? It's too much, this is too much! I'm not ready!

I can't- fffh- [Wheeze.] I can't breathe, I can't breathe--

Min!

[Ryan stops short when Min steps away from him though, afraid pushing too hard will just make him run, and who knows how far this void goes?.]

I promise, we're not going back to the train! Min? Min, look at me!

[If he does, he'll see that Ryan is holding up both hands...and neither of his hands have a number.]

If it's real, I'd have one too! But I don't! I don't even have a zero! You wouldn't have a number alone, no way.

[They were synced together, numbers often moving at the same time. It doesn't make sense for it to not be like that now, but Ryan is admittedly grasping at straws a little.

He reaches out with those hands, and tries desperately not to think of the reminders of home behind Min. Does he really want to go back that much?]

Min...it's gonna be okay. I'm here.

[He wiggles his fingers, gesturing for Min to come closer. Let him hold you. Let him be there for you.]

It's scary, but I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, okay? ...Come here?

[Please? Please let him help?]

[He looks up, even though he's ashamed. Ryan's hands are clean.

And he needs them to be clean. He needs this to be fake.

He needs Ryan.

Who beckons to him and what else can Min-Gi do but come.

He's weak, he needs this, he can't hold this all inside anymore. He can't act tough anymore.]

I'm sorry, I-

[He can't breathe, hand to his chest, body moving into Ryan's arms.]

I don't know what's happening, I don't- I can't think- Is this beasthood? am I done for? Am I dying?

[Irrational, but is it? Because he feels like he's suffocating inside himself as the pressure tries to work it's way out alongside tears and anguish. It could be anything.]

[Ryan wraps his arms around Min, holding him close. He gently runs his hand down Min's back, to try and soothe him any way that he can.]

Shh. You're not dying. Just breathe with me, okay? In--

[He breathes deep. He doesn't count to any particular number, he just goes slow until his lungs feel full. Then, he lets it go just as slowly.]

--and out. In...and out. I've got you.

["You don't need to be sorry about anything."

If Min starts to veer into hyperventilation, Ryan will just start breathing with him again and modeling what he needs to do. A beat of quiet falls between them.

Then, Ryan hums. So soft it's more whispered than sung.]

...So you feel like you are full of flaws
Because you're not used to having claws
You've started cracking at the seams
What the hell does all this mean?

Relax and breathe...

[In, and out. In...and out.]

...'cause you're a squid with me.

[It feels so stupid to be standing here crying like a baby into Ryan's neck. To be this upset, to be so undone that his body is very physically revolting against it. In...and out. In...and out. Through hyper ventilating and his knees threatening to give. Through clinging to Ryan like everything is going to dissolve and he really will die if he lets go.

It is mortifying and stupid and horrible and then Ryan starts singing the fucking squid song which is both deeply embarrassing and incredibly, intimately perfect.

Completely out of left field, he barely recognizes the tune at first, then catches the new lyrics, and he's caught between trying to breathe, over thinking, being embarrassed, mad, devastated, seen, and laughter.

So the noise he makes is a gross tangle of all of it, wrapped in a wet sob.

That's it, that's what breaks him. That's what opens the floodgates to the breakdown he's needed for months. Years, maybe. The total loss of control, weeping openly into Ryan's shoulder.]

[The dam breaks, and Min crumbles in Ryan's arms. He holds Min steady, supporting his weight as he sobs.]

There you go. Let it all out...

[Now that Min's head is lowered into his shoulder, Ryan leans in and plants a couple of gentle kisses against Min's temple.]

It's okay, I've got you. I'm right here. You're safe with me, Min.

[All things Min has said to Ryan when he was the one corrupting, and all things Min needs to hear now. Crying sucks, and it's hard to listen to Min sobbing, but he knows it will help Min the same way it helped him.

The pressure has built up so much that he started cracking, and he needs to let it out.

And in the meantime, Ryan will hold him and rub his back and stay there as long as he needs.]

I love you. I love you so much and I promise, it's going to be okay.

[It really doesn't feel like it in the moment. Nothing feels like it could possibly be okay.

It's nice to hear, even against the acidic purr in the back of Min-Gi's head that says no, it can't be okay, nothing will ever be okay, this is insane and you don't belong here.

Usually a very powerful voice, paralyzed in the avalanche of everything else.

Min sobs ugly and he sobs hard, slowly sinking them both down to their knees when he just can't stand any longer. The space around them flexes and doubles back through a litany of uncomfortable shapes. Physical manifestations for feelings he can't or won't articulate. Judgment, pressure, longing, all made manifest through sacred geometry.

It's a while more until there's nothing left in him, and still a moment past that before he can finally catch his breath.

This shouldn't be such a big deal, he doesn't know why he's reacted like this. It's so...dramatic. Words don't come easy, and he pulls himself in tighter against the man who hasn't left his side this entire time. He hasn't cried this hard since Ryan left. And a panic attack? Never that he's been able to identify as such.

Give him a bit, pet his hair, hold him.

He should pull back and wipe his eyes. Apologize for the scene. The compromise comes with a small, exhausted murmur.]

S-sorry. I don't know why that happened. So stupid.

[The two of them sink to the ground that Min's made, as shapes bend and twist around them. Ryan sneaks some glances at them, like he might have to protect Min somehow, but nothing attacks or anything, so his focus goes back to Min.

It's dramatic, sure. But it's not dramatic Ryan hasn't gone through himself. Less than two weeks ago, he was the one breaking down on Min. Hell, Ryan had to be restrained he was panicking so much over his hand.

He doesn't pet Min's hair, because his hair is Sacred and Not To Be Touched, but he stays there with Min, holding him as he comes down.]

It's not stupid. You don't need to be sorry.

[Ryan shifts slightly, so that instead of being on his knees, he's sitting down more comfortably.]

Here, c'mere. I've got you...

[If Min will let him, Ryan will gently guide Min down so he can lay with his head in Ryan's lap. He remembers how this feels, and it's not like they have any couches or beds in here for Min to collapse on (and he's not about to ask Min to try and create one now).]

I mean it. It's not stupid.

[He can feel that doubt, so it's worth saying twice.]

[It is. And Min-Gi needs to hear it twice.

Mercy coming from the only person he can accept to give it. The only person who matters. His other half from the beginning.

Ryan has seen more of Min-Gi's ugly than anyone and he's still here. He's literally turning into a monster and Ryan is closer than ever, saying he loves him and guiding him down to lay his head in his lap with soft promises of hope.

He's quiet for a long moment once he lays down, eyes closed, arms wrapped around himself. The created floor is hard but softens just a hair. Ryan is far more comfortable to lay on.

Min wets his lips and swallows. He opens his eyes and studies the delicate white fabric of Ryan's blouse.]

Thank you.

Sometimes I really don't know why you put up with me.

[Ryan wouldn't call it mercy. Mercy feels like Min's done something wrong, like he's should be punished but instead is being spared, and that isn't how Ryan feels at all.

He finds one of Min's hands and sets his own on top of it, curling his fingers around Min's.]

Pfft. Seriously? I'm always wondering how the hell you put up with me.

[Ryan resists the urge to elaborate though. Now probably isn't the time to figure out whose self esteem is worse.]

But, just so you know, I put up with you because I love you. There's no one else in the whole world I'd rather put up with.

[He rubs the back of Min's hand with his thumb, gently.]

Sooooo you're stuck with me, because you've stuck with me. I'm going to put up with you forever now and you can't stop me.

[Min-Gi recognizes his own words being delivered back to him immediately and looks up at his boyfriend, completely focused. Feeling a little woozy and definitely at the end of his energy, but grounded.

They're apples and oranges but somehow half of both. This soft comfort is so genuine. Ryan's said he loves him so many times and you know what, Min-Gi believes every single one.]

Forever, huh.

[It sure feels nice to be wanted, even at his lowest. Shattered from pretending he's okay.

The smallest tail of a smile plays at the corner of his mouth.

By contrast, the ugly cracks splitting up his neck and face begin to close. Just a little, just the last centimetre or so, but they're closing. The very visual, very real effect of Ryan's love.]

I could be okay with that.

[As he should. Ryan has never loved anyone more.

He looks down at Min with a warm, bright smile that answers everything for him. Yes, forever. Forever and ever. But he'll say it too, just for good measure.]

Yeah. Forever.

[They've never talked about...forever, not so specifically anyway. It's something that was always just quietly assumed. Ryan could never imagine his life without Min in it, cracks and claws and all.

He would ever want Min hurting like this, never in a million years, but...it feels good to be the one who can give Min some comfort, for once. He didn't screw things up; Min is visibly healing and everything actually will be okay.]

Good. ...Things probably would've gotten awkward preeeeetty fast if you weren't.

[His voice has a playful but tentative tilt to it, unsure if the moment is right or not. But it's very normal, very Ryan, even with all of the unusual around them.]

[A half snort. He smiles a bit more. Unusual around them is pretty par for the course these days.]

Yeah, I guess it would have.

[Forever would be a big conversation to have, but dancing around it a little isn't as scary as he thought. Maybe because it's coming up naturally. If they'd sat down to Discuss Forever it would be a different story. Don't do that to him.

Still, while they're on the topic,]

I can't be without you again.

[Whatever that means for them. Needy? Yes. Dramatic? Probably. Codependent? Absolutely. But it's how he feels, fragile and stormy as he is right now.]

[Needy? Dramatic? Codependent? Sounds like just a regular day for Ryan. But to hear it from Min too, and to know that he means it, even with how terrible things are for him? It makes Ryan's heart soar, and Min will be able to feel so.]

You won't be. I'm not going anywhere, dude.

[He adjusts them a little, so he can hold Min's hand. It's a little awkward to get the angle just right but he's doing it anyway. His point needs to be made and he needs to lace their fingers together.]

Any time I've been without you I've been like, super miserable. Never doing that again, ever.

[It's just him and Min now, the way it was always supposed to be. The way it was supposed to be since the day they were born.]

Plus, how the hell did I ever live without this smile in my life?

[Then, playfully, he uses his free hand to gently poke Min in the cheek on the side that isn't cracking so much. Look at him. Look at his ridiculous, handsome face. Even cracked to hell and growing claws, Min is still one of the most handsome people Ryan's ever seen. He's glad that smile is coming back to him, no matter how small it might be now.]

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