All that I am

[likethelight]

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta


[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

Comments

[likethelight]

[ When has he ever asked Allen for permission quite so much before? It's enough to make him pause and really take notice recalling his rare tentative manner earlier too. "Can I... wash your hair?" The slightly betrayed look when realized Allen had retaliated against being dumped in the bath, and how very quiet and still he had been just now when he threw the blanket over him.

Oh. There's the guilt.

He reaches for his hand and squeezes it gently before bringing it up to his face. Softly, and he presses his lips very lightly to the inside of his wrist. ]

That's okay too. [ He lets his eyes close, leaning his cheek against his hand for a moment in apology, demeanor gentle. ]

I'm sorry, you just startled me earlier. [ he is. just uncomfy being naked okay. and because it's just... it's...

he doesn't know he's just jumpy. ]

[swellter]

[ The soft press of lips against his skin quickens his pulse, and he warms under his touch. His eyes soften subtly, not quite sure of the change that's happened but embracing it nonetheless. ]

I startled you?

[likethelight]

Ehe... [ He looks sheepish. Maybe just a touch pink, but light-hearted. Smiling bright. ]

Just a little.

[swellter]

How?

[likethelight]

[ are you really going to make him spell it out?

You're lucky he feels for you the way he does. He quirks an eyebrow in somewhat wry disbelief. ]

Most people find it a little startling when you try to take away the only things covering them.

[swellter]

[ If your scribbles were more clear, then he wouldn't need to spell it out. ]

When did that happen?

[likethelight]

[ Don't you bring his terrible handwriting into this. ]

"When"?

[swellter]

[ He's grown neutral, no longer emitting any heat. ]

When I tried to take away your coverings.

[likethelight]

[ o h... ]

The blanket, a moment ago... [ you know. when he threw it back at you in response? ]

Since it... isn't like we have nightclothes, you know?

[ please end his misery ]

[swellter]

[ He grows quiet, digesting that in his own manner.

This time there's no subtle shift in expression, only a straightforward apology. ]

I'm sorry for startling you.

I won't do that again.

[likethelight]

[ He purses his lips for a moment slightly at that, brows knitting lightly, before he lets out a small breath and reaches for his hand again. Leans forward into his space with a serious, but gentle expression.

This is important. ]

You don't have to be so serious about it. [ It's a very soft, barely a chide. ] Or say you won't again.

I know you didn't mean anything badly by it. I didn't even say I minded... Just that I was sorry I was a little startled.

[ Is he speaking plainly enough this time? Because he is trying, with almost oddly calm and quiet eyes. But earnestly. ]

If it's you, then it's okay.

[swellter]

[ He pulls his hand back out of his grasp. ]

I don't think it's okay.

[likethelight]

[ A blink, slightly taken aback by that. He straightens lightly. ]

What do you mean?

[swellter]

For me to startle you without knowing.

[ He looks at him. ]

Or for you to apologize for being startled.

[likethelight]

[ He doesn't answer right away, at a bit of a loss at that. Why are you taking this so seriously? It wasn't that big of a deal at all, which means... it also isn't really about that. There's some deeper reason. Something that feels like he's close to understanding, that he's seen pieces of, but can't quite put together. ]

Don't you think I get a say in how I feel about it too? [ He says it more softly, more like a reminder than being contrary, and hesitates then. ]

Why is this so important to you?

[swellter]

You are telling me.

[ Right now. ]

So, am I.

[likethelight]

[ And you're so walled off you're being borderline hostile. And didn't answer his question.

He hesitates, a little taken aback, but moves then. Slowly, but purposefully. Doesn't care about blankets or lack of blankets or stupid unimportant things like that and slides his knee across the mattress to sit kneeling lightly in front of Shouto. His expression so very quiet. ]

Then really tell me...

[ With slow and purposeful movements, he brings his hands up to cup his face gently. Very lightly and like someone handling a wild animal, and to encourage him to look at him like that. ]

...why are you afraid of startling me?

[swellter]

[ He pulls his head back, out of reach. ]

I didn't even know I scared you.

[likethelight]

[ He looks momentarily crestfallen that he pulls back, but doesn't try again. But he blinks at that; stares. ]

You didn't scare me. [ Don't put words in his mouth. ] Not at all.

That's not the same thing at all.

[swellter]

Startled you.

[ He recants, though it doesn't change the way he feels. ]

[likethelight]

[ You answered so quickly, do you actually understand the difference though? But he doesn't press it, just sits back and presses his lips lightly together, gripping his knees a bit tighter than he needs to. It's not this, it's something else. You're so frustrating to try and figure out when you're like this, but... ]

And... what do you think would happen because of that?

[swellter]

I made you uneasy.

[ That's why he threw the blankets over him. Why earlier he dumped him in the water. ]

[likethelight]

You don't make me uneasy. [ Maybe you are now, but before he got spooked and then realized it was silly to get startled. Stop putting words into his mouth or projecting. You--

Oh. You did this before, too. And remembering that he sits back. Squares his shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. ]

I'm not made of glass you know. [ And the idea that he would be treated like he is actually pisses him off a lot too, but he bites his tongue on that. Focuses. ] So stop treating me like I am.

You've startled me before and you will again. Lots of times already, and I hope a lot more times. Lots of people have. Some of them I mind, and some of them I don't. And I told you I don't mind when it's you because it's you-- because then I realize I have no reason to be.

[ It's gentle but no-nonsense. Chin dropped slightly, eyes bright and determined like a silent storm. Look. He sits back and lets himself get pushed over about a lot of things when they don't really matter, but this--

He tries again, calmly but firmly: ]

So help me understand. What do you think would happen if you actually made me uneasy?

[swellter]

[ He doesn't believe him this time, not really. It's not that he thinks he's lying; he's just far too aware of the excuses people use to justify being mistreated. He's under a lot of stress at work, Shouto. Things will get better. They got worse, and no one ever came to save them. Not the heroes, not his grandparents. Not the monster who was supposed to be his father.

The fact that Allen keeps excluding him specifically ends up making him pull back further. His mother made excuses for Endeavor too.

He grows distant. Distant. Aware of the snowball effect one excuse could have. It turned into another and another still until it became the norm. And when things went from bad to worse you ended up wishing for it like a balm; when things were better. Tolerable. Before his mother cried, his siblings held each other; scared. It all snowballed so quickly, Shouto had no idea how to stop it then, or now.

The only thing he can do is hold this line in the sand. Yet, he ended up crossing it somehow and didn't even realize it. Allen had retaliated just like his mother, and still, he was stupidly clueless. Just like his father. ]

Nothing.

[ Ice creeps up his neck, and he expels a heavy breath filled with chilled air. ]

Not unless you tell me.

[ The mist clues swirling in front of him clues him into his state, and he stills. He doesn't want to reach for the fire but he knows better than anyone that he has too and despite his feelings, he warms himself up enough to melt the ice. ]

[likethelight]

[ Seeing that ice spreading up his neck is honestly the nail in the coffin, and it makes his heart wrench. You're so worried about distressing him in other ways, when this is what actually hurts him?

He loses any pretense of calmness, and even if he was trying to give him his space he can't at that. Before he even knows what he's doing he's thrown himself forward with his arms around Shouto to hug him bodily tight. Strong, but shaky. Threadbare. ]

I'll talk to you. [ He couldn't keep the anguish out of his voice if he tried, especially not with his face pressed close by his neck like this. ]

Just like I am now, and just like how I want you to talk to me when you're so clearly upset. Because I trust you, and I want to understand the good and the bad. Just like you said you do. [ His shoulders sag, and he doesn't lift his head yet. Doesn't trust himself to, and so keeps his face pressed against his shoulder. Shakes his head for a moment, like trying to deny something ]

The only thing that makes me uneasy is when it feels like you're trying to punish both of us for something I don't even understand.