If you get a feeling next time you see me, do me a favor and let me know - SEMI-CLOSED

[chickenchoicejudy]

Who: Ryan Akagi [chickenchoicejudy] and Close CR, with open prompts to be added when the event goes live.
What: Ryan is having a pretty hard time with the paleblood effects this month. Body of the post is a general summary of where he's at, and starters will be in comments.
When: All of March
Where: Various locations - likely haunts are Cellar Door, Crenshaw (specifically Mouse House or Min-Gi's place), and the boardwalk. Event locations to be added later!

Content Warnings: Severe hallucinations, severe face blindness, corruption, unintentional self harm (scratching).



It started mild enough - with mushrooms of all things. Nothing to actually worry anyone about.

At first he hadn't even realized they weren't real. There's plant life growing in abundance all over Trench and it made perfect sense for mushrooms to be one of those things. It wouldn't have even been the first time mysterious mushrooms popped up out of nowhere. Ryan leaves them be and barely thinks about it.

Then they start growing out of people. That's when it becomes apparent that...no one else can see them. He's moved to gently tug them off of people only to realize he can't grip them. His hand slips through and they vanish.

And that's...concerning. But it could be worse?

And about a week into the month, it absolutely gets worse. He starts having trouble recognizing people. People he's known for ages now catch him in the street and he can't make his brain put together the shapes of their faces into something he recognizes. Mushrooms obscure other features that might make identifying them easier - hair, clothing, frequently worn accessories. Any time he starts to focus on something, mushrooms start to sprout and block his view.

He makes excuses. He spends more time on the network because he craves interaction but it's less stressful that way. He texts people more frequently, even when he would normally see them in person. Even if they're literally nearby he might text them, just to make sure. Just to watch a faceless someone react when their Omni dings.

Sometimes he catches himself in the mirror and doesn't recognize who looks back at him, which is a problem he's never had before. He doesn't want to talk about it, because it feels absolutely insane to try and explain it to anyone, but also because he's lost any and all ability to recognize people by that point. Who would he even tell? But, it's also become impossible to hide. Not when there's no recognition in his eyes when someone says hello to him. Not when he texts someone several times to ask where they are, including when he's standing right next to them.

He's in a sea of strangers, and it's disorienting. It's even a little scary, particularly in public. He's losing his grip and it's slipping further and further from him, but maybe if he like, tried harder? This is a stupid problem he's having. A stupid dumb problem that he should be able to just...get over and walk off.

The mushrooms even grow on him sometimes. At his worst, small fluorescent green ones will sprout out of his right palm in the shape of a 202 and he'll scratch at it desperately, leaving harsh red marks behind. Even places will start to look unfamiliar, as the confusion only gets worse and worse as the month goes on.

[ooc: Top Levels coming soon, open top levels coming when the event goes live. Hit me up at goodhotcocoa if you want something in particular!]

Comments

[chickenchoicejudy]

[There's something wrong. There's something really wrong, but Min lets the subject slip and drop. Ryan could pursue it, and push for Min to tell him what he saw. There's no denying that he saw something. The lack of a real answer is answer enough.

But...in the moment, he doesn't have the nerve. Min's made it clear he doesn't want to talk about it. So they won't.

Min will be able to pin point the exact moment Ryan gives up on challenging him on it, because that bruise on his aura starts to fleck and spread along his cheek, where Min had just been touching him.]

...Yeah. Okay. Sure.

[Without asking, Ryan guides them toward a nearby storefront. They don't always need to be reading each other's emotions or thoughts to be in sync. Sometimes they can just read each other, and Ryan's read is that they should probably take the lanterns the rest of the way.

When they get to the lantern, Ryan steels himself. He turns.

There's a stranger beside him, their face obscured by mushrooms. There are small cues - the keyboard on the guy's back, the fact that they're wearing Min's clothes - but Ryan feels sick.

Still, he forces a smile and forces himself to trust. He offers the stranger his hand.]

(A few days later still--)

[dialscientist]

[That day at rehearsal had been pretty terrible, if we're being honest. Min-Gi regrets letting the subject drop to knuckle through and not make Ryan feel even more put on the spot. He knows how much he just loves being the one something is wrong with.

Really, it just felt too much like those early weeks on the train and he doesn't have the energy to work back from that again.

They might end up having to do it, anyway. Trench is stressful. There has been regression, and not on Ryan's part. If Min woke up tomorrow with a number on his hand he wouldn't even be that surprised.

Anyway- rehearsal. It was awful. They were both totally distracted the entire time and while they got a little work done it just felt wrong for so many reasons. Min could barely keep his head in the music, watching Ryan out of the corner of his eye the whole time, tracking the spots in his aura that spread like rot on an apple.

It's still getting worse. And Min-Gi is getting very worried. They're supposed to have a show tonight but as they fart around his house getting ready all he can do is watch Ryan and overthink. Some moments it's like he's a stranger.]

You know..

[Piping up as he appears in the doorway to the living room.]

Ryan, we don't have to play tonight. Wu would understand.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Every rehearsal this week has been like that. They've both been distracted, but Ryan hasn't wanted to stop. He's insisted on coming over regularly for it, because even if Min isn't feeling up to being out in public (and it is Min, it's not him because he's fine and no one will tell him otherwise) he still wants to rehearse.

Sometimes...it's okay. Ryan recognizes Min's music easily. There are moments he gets a particularly good riff going and the red really shines in his aura.

But there are other moments where one of them gets up and when they're reunited, Ryan looks deeply unsettled. There's a blip of static in Ryan's thoughts, a flare of murky green-brown around him, and when it settles he waves it off as nothing. Makes a bad joke, tries to lighten things.

Despite the fact that they agreed to get ready together, Ryan surprisingly came over ready to go. He was also a little later than expected, but that plan backfired on him entirely, so he's been waiting on the couch fiddling with his guitar. Did he really need to restring his guitar right this second? No, not really. It would have been fine for a few more weeks at least, but it's something to do with his hands, to nervously fiddle with.

And god is he nervous. He's losing his grip and he's well aware, but he's desperate to try and hold on.

Ryan looks up at his name, but there's something missing in his gaze when he does.

There's...someone he sincerely doesn't recognize in the doorway, in clothes he's never seen before. Without a face to combine with it, they don't ring as Min. Isn't it too soon for that to be Min? How long has Min been gone?

He isn't quick enough this time to censor his thoughts.

"...Who is that?"

It's followed by a flurry of self deprecating thoughts though, and a look crosses his face as he tries to process it all.

"Wait--"
"--'we'. Min-Gi."
"Oh my god that's obviously--"
"--what the fuck is wrong with me?!"
"That's Min, that's obviously Min, he was getting changed, what the fuck I knew that already I was out here waiting for him to change why would that be someone else what the fuck what the fuck whatthefuck--"

He secures the last string, and stares for a long moment at the neck of the guitar. Takes a deep, steadying breath, and looks back at...Min-Gi. The person who must, logically, be Min-Gi, even though their face is obscured by mushrooms.]

...Whaaaat? Of course we're gonna play. Why wouldn't we?

[A challenge. Are you going to say what's gone unspoken all week, Min?]

[dialscientist]

[He should. He should have said it then and he should say it now.

They shouldn't play.

They shouldn't, and he still got dressed.

They shouldn't and he prepped his keyboard and confirmed with Ryan.

They shouldn't and... and he still hasn't come clean. And he wouldn't have until it was way too late, but coming in and getting jabbed in the throat by Ryan's internal panic attack is the knife under the lid that finally pries out the pressure seal. It hurts- it hurts, it hurts, it hurts- That blank look, that- Is that fear? No, no, he knows it's him, right? He put it together?

This is getting out of control, but saying the truth, making it about Ryan, that's going to go down like a lead balloon.

All balloons have to come down eventually, he supposes and takes a breath, hands up in defense. He means no harm.]

Because I changed my shirt and you didn't know who I was, man.

[Why does that feel like acid in his throat. Be brave.]

This thing, this mushroom thing? It's getting worse and worse and we still don't know how to fix it and The Moss King isn't doing anything to help. How are we supposed to play when we're this.. kneecapped? We have to be realistic, here. Would you rather force it and be awful? Or quit while we're ahead and not embarrass ourselves?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[His eyes go wide, stunned to be called out so precisely. But it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened, and his face burns with shame. Can't any of his thoughts just stay private like they're supposed to?

There's no point in arguing whether or not he recognized Min. He would just get caught in a lie, since Min already knows what was in his head. But that doesn't mean he isn't going to argue. His face hardens into a glare.]

Don't you mean when I'm this kneecapped? [He huffs out a single, dark, humorless laugh.] Or that I'm going to embarrass you?

[Min's seeing things too, but not nearly to the same caliber. He's seeing auras, and it isn't destroying his ability to interact with the world around him. This isn't about them, it's about him and how he's going to ruin the show.]

I'm not canceling. I can just-- I don't know, I'll fake like I'm still normal. No one will care. They probably won't even notice. I'll just play guitar and it'll be like none of this is even happening. Seeing things doesn't suddenly mean I can't do the one thing I'm good at, Min!

[The murky green-brown parts of his aura flare, threatening to overtake more of the red with each passing second.]

[dialscientist]

[Now, a wise man would step back and try to diffuse this. He would take a breath and sympathize and work back from Ryan's fears to support him through what is an extremely scary thing to be going through.

And in Min-Gi's head that's what he's doing. But it sure doesn't come out that way when he takes a step forward and gestures to himself.]

Ryan, listen to yourself! We've sucked all week and we shouldn't play if we aren't at our best! Can you even see me right now? Be honest, can you actually even see me or am I a giant talking mushroom?

[Then he gestures to Ryan. Not accusatory, per se, but it's definitely a wide palming motion.]

Because I can see it getting worse. I can see it! Just admit that you're sick and let me help you!

[chickenchoicejudy]

[He's pointedly refusing to look directly at Min now. Fuck you, he's not answering that question and you can't make him.]

It sounds stupid when you put it like that...

[It's more like large clusters of smaller ones, covering the faces of everyone in the city and blurring them.]

I'm not sick. It's just my blood doing something dumb. I can walk it off. It'll go away. And besides even if I was sick, as long as my voice and my hands work I can still play!

[Obviously the only reason Min can see it is that Ryan hasn't been trying hard enough to hide it. Ugh, he's just making Min worry for no good reason at all.]

[dialscientist]

[God this is so frustrating! Min-Gi growls and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Like, yes, objectively Ryan is correct but-]

Dude, just because you can doesn't mean you should. I really don't think this is something you can just walk off, I've been watching you try all week and your aura is only getting worse.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[That...slows down the anger just a little, but it shifts into suspicion. He looks at the back of his hand as though he'll be able to see an aura for himself.

(He looks for perhaps a second too long, and then makes himself look away.]

...What do you mean "getting worse"?

[dialscientist]

I.. hhngh..

[How is he supposed to explain it? C'mon, Min-Gi. Use your words.]

Okay, so you're aura is red. It's this bright, shining thing all around you...

But [and there is a but] there's also been these little patches growing over it. Kinda brown and green? I'd show you if I knew how. I know it sounds like I'm being mean, but I can really see this thing taking over you.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan could probably figure it out, if he tried. He could probably hold Min's hand and figure out some way to view that thought. He could, but. He won't. It isn't a matter of believing or not believing. He just...doesn't want to see it. He doesn't want that definite answer.]

So I'm...what, growing mold?

[As soon as he says it though, it makes sense to him. He's growing soul mold so he's seeing mushrooms growing on everyone else.]

Have all the palebloods in town just been moldy? Why didn't you say anything?!

[dialscientist]

No, no- well??? I- don't know. I don't think so? I haven't spent much time with any other palebloods!

[Soul mold wasn't really what he was trying to allude to, but also, like, Ryan isn't wrong.]

I'm not paying attention to anyone else, I've just been paying attention to you and I'm telling you what I can see. That's how I know it's getting worse.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[It's not an answer, but an answer won't actually change anything. Min should have told him, he absolutely should have, but it doesn't change what's happening now.

And what's happening now is that he feels nauseous. His thoughts are racing again, but this time he tries to muffle them so Min can't hear. He tangles his fingers in his hair near his temple and screws his eyes shut and tries to focus:

è̢̕w̧̛͝͡͡ ̶̛̛́͠
̶͢͝ẁ͟҉͝a̵̧͝ś̵͘͠ ̷̧͜m͞͠y̵̡̛͢ ̡͘s̢̢͝ó͝͞҉u̸͘͠҉l̨͡ ̷̧̧a̶͡͠͝l͞ẁ̸̴̀̕a̶̵͜y̶̨̕͡s҉̶̨̕͝ ̴̨g̛̀͝r̶̛̀͜o̷̸͡ẁ̢͟į͟҉n̕g̨͡ ̴̷̀͠͞m̸͜͢ơ̢͞ĺ̸͞͏d̨̢̢͝?̢̡́͢
̕҉̀m͘a̸͞͠y̶̨b̨̢e̢͜͞ ͜͜i͘͜͡t̸̶͡ ̶͏̡͏ẃ̢a̧̛͘ś̶ ̷̡a͟͞l̷͘̕w͏̵͟͡á̶͘y̶̴̕͏͢ś̸̸̕͟ ̨́̕t̵͢h̶̴e̵̡r̀͏̧́e͡
͏į̸̛͟t̕͏̵́͝ ҉̵͏͘ẃ̶͟͡ơ̸̷̢͝u̸͘l͏̧͞͏d̶̨̧ ̵͠͡è̴͟͟͞x̷̛̀͘͢p҉̧̢́͞l̛͘a̸̶͝҉i̡҉́͟ń̴̴͜͢-̨͟͠-͟҉
҉̢-̢͟͞-̴̴̡͢'̴̢̕͝͞m̴̨ ͏̵͟͢s̨͡i̢͞c̀́͞k̸̴̛͘͞?̵̵
̢͜͜w̵̨̕̕͞ì̶̸l̷̢͜l͢͝ ̵̨̀͜I̴̕-̀̀-҉̵͢͟͠
̡͢͜͠͞i̴͟͢f̶̨̀͢͟ ̧̀͝i͜͝͠t̸̵͘'̸́s̷̡̕͟͠ ̵̴̵̛́n͏͞͡o̕͞t͏̸̕͡ ̨̡́̕͝j̶̸̢̀͟u̶̵ş̶́͠͠t̷͡͏ ̀͏̵m̷͢ý̸̸͟ ̵̧͟b̧̢͟ļ̧ò͞o͟͏̀͜͝d̡̧̕͝,̡҉̶́ ͏̸̛͏ţ̷́͡h́͠é̸̕͡n̡͏
̀́̀́t͏͢h̵̴̴̛͠e̶͜͏̶ǹ̴̢̨͡


t̝̬͔̭̲̓͊̔ͨ́ͬͭ̕h̶̼̱͈ͤ̔̈́̽́̋̒͢͠ë̷̯͍̦̳̯́̌͒̔ͣͫ̄̆͡n̛̹͓͇̺͚͇̣͛̌̎͐̇̒͑-̝̮͈ͫ̈́ͤ̅͌̃͘͡͠-̖͚͇̼̟͍̰͉̂̿ͯ̔ͩ͆̂̚


When he opens his eyes, there's something deeply unnatural in them and they give off a faint glow as the green-brown soul mold spreads. Then he blinks and it's gone, but the bruises on his aura are still there. ]

I--

[What should he even say at this point?]

...Sorry.

[It's reluctant and resigned, but it's there. Min's just trying to help and Ryan is being a jackass and making everything worse.]

[dialscientist]

[The static that shoots through Ryan's head is sudden and startling, but not as startling as the physical reflection of it in his eyes.

No, not reflection. They're like screens, pixelated and fragmented, and it's terrifying.

Wide eyed, Min-Gi's heart clenches as tight as his lungs freeze. The residual burst static is still in Min's head, pieces of words like an out of tune radio swinging through frequencies. A taunting, hissing tune of Always there. Sick.

No, no, no no no no, that isn't what he meant!

Wait, what did Ryan say? He didn't hear. What did that mean? What just happened?? That rot is still spreading, is it his fault? Is he doing this to Ryan? This is why he didn't want to say anything!]

Ryan-

[It's a wheeze, thin and desperate and...

...and afraid.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan rubs at his eyes under his glasses, as if there's a residual itch left behind from the static, and looks to Min...whose face is still obscured by mushrooms. It hits him that not only can he not see that it's Min, but he can't see the expression on his face. There's fear, he can feel fear but he doesn't know if it's his own or Min's or if Min is afraid of him.

Could be ç̷̀ơ̷̢͡n̵̕͘͘͞t͏̴̶a͝͏͘͟g̸̸̛̀i̶̧̧̕ó̶̷̢͜u̶̕s̷͢͞, after all.

His guitar is forgotten on the couch next to him, and he pulls his legs up so he can curl in on himself.]

...Say something?

[It's a small, tired plea that comes with a heavy sigh.]

I. I can't, you know-- [And he gestures in a circle in front of his own face, unable to make more descriptive words happen.] So. ...Say something.

[dialscientist]

[A small beat. He's struggling to snap back. Thankfully, his words summon themselves before his mind.]

I'm here.

[Breathe. In. Out. Then he moves, carefully approaching the sofa like Ryan might spook any second and lash out. Like he's a cornered, wild horse or something.

Carefully, carefully, he crouches down and rests his hands on Ryan's socked toes. ]

I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Just close your eyes and listen, okay? Can you hear me? You recognize my voice?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan tenses at first - he's not entirely sure if he wants to be touched, to expose himself even more, but...things are already pretty terrible. How much worse can Ryan actually make them.

He takes a deep breath in and out, the same way Min did, and he closes his eyes. He lets himself ease on exhale, just a little, and he nods. Letting himself be soothed by this brings a different inner tension though, and when Ryan speaks his voice wavers.]

Y-Yeah. Yeah. ...I'd know it anywhere.

[Would he though? He thought he'd know Min's face anywhere too and now it's covered in mushrooms.

That train of thought in a dangerous one though and he breathes again. In...and out.]

[dialscientist]

[Don't go that way. Don't let it drag you under. His voice can't be covered in mushrooms. And this is just a little touch with fabric between them. If Ryan pulls away after all then Min-Gi will respect it. He forgets, in moments like these, what touch means to them now. What it comes with, what a double edged sword it is.

And yet, here he is still touching without considering what might come smashing into him as a result. It's Ryan, how could put that kind of barrier between them?

The warble in Ryan's voice pulls a lump into Min-Gi's own throat. It's hard to swallow around but he persists. Heart aching, face (though hidden) pinched in worry he can't begin to articulate.]

Okay. Okay, that's good. You just- just keep your eyes closed and breathe and we'll sit right here, okay? As long as it takes.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[It isn't a tidal wave this time. Ryan is still holding back - he's holding back so much, so certain that all of the things he's feeling will be too much. Even if Min says they aren't, even if he insists he can take it...Ryan can't do that to him. Not now.

Some things do leak through, but most of it is fear. A deep pit of fear that this might be more than the stupid mushrooms and what that would mean if it was. A fear that he's too much, way much more than he usually is, but that's cut by Min's reassurances.

That being said, it's ridiculous how relieved he feels just listening to Min's voice. It's easy to pretend the mushrooms are gone, and he can almost see the concerned look he must have. He doesn't like that he's put Min in a position where he has to worry about him, but...he knows that tone and he knows the faces that go with it.

With his eyes shut, it's like nothing's wrong at all.]

As long as it takes to...what, exactly?

[Because as soon as he opens his eyes, the mushrooms will be back. They'll cover everything. Maybe they'll cover him too.]

I mean. We can't stay like this all month? [A beat. The reaction is delayed, but this is helping enough that he can make a tiny little quip.] ...your legs will fall asleep.

[dialscientist]

Then I guess they’ll fall asleep.

[Like it’s that easy. Like he can’t feel the hurricane unfurling from Ryan’s chest threatening to destroy them both.

But you know what? Fuck the hurricane. He’ll fight it.

…

Or find a way around. Something a little less…requiring feet amputation by the end.

Be brave. Ryan needs him now more than ever.]

Orrr you could let me come up there with you. I’ve got some lyrics I’ve been working on. I could take you through them?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan considers this for a moment. He's...not sure he's up for a full body cuddling, but at Min can at least come up on the couch. He doesn't have to make him crouch there and be even more uncomfortable.

So...he nods. He doesn't open his eyes, but he does blindly reach for his guitar and set it down near its case on the ground. He doesn't really feel like trying to put it away blind. Then he turns, curling more into the corner of the couch but facing where Min will wind up sitting. Once he feels Min's weight shift the cushions, he reaches out with his foot to nudge him - as if to confirm for sure that he's here.

The thought of listening to lyrics makes his heart ache for the show they almost certainly aren't going to play tonight, but. They're Min's lyrics, and Min always does wonders with words.]

...Yeah. Sure. Let's hear it, dude.

[He worries that he doesn't have enough enthusiasm, but all of this has really knocked the wind out of him.]

[dialscientist]

[That’s okay. It’s not really about the lyrics, it’s about having something to talk about that isn’t this fresh new Hell.

Min-Gi sits and fires off a quick text to Wu letting him know they’re not coming before opening up his omni-notes (yes, shut up) and clearing his throat.

Absently, he rests his free hand juuust by where Ryan has his foot tucked against him, close enough to brush without being a planned barometer move.

Likewise, if it even works this way, he isn’t sure he wants to give up just how scared and upset he is when he’s working so hard to put on a brave face. Can’t be anywhere near as scared and upset as Ryan is… but. You know.]

Okay so.. they’re not done, like, at all? And I’m not sure about the melody yet so jump in when you hear the right one but I’ve been thinking something like. Ahem, ok:

Wake up in a city made of moonlight and stone
These cobbled streets will bring us to a place we’re not alone
Oh, it’s a litany for Antinous the lover but this isn’t Rome and I’d never let you drown
No, I’ll never let you drown-

Uh..something something I haven’t really figured out the chorus yet. But I was thinking about following a doorway theme? The gate, cellar door, portals to another world.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan listens, letting the lyrics wash over him. They paint a really comforting picture, and for the first couple of lines he just listens and doesn't try to find his place in it. He takes the obvious one though, humming a harmony to pair with "No, I'll never let you drown-", going higher where Min goes lower.

Min would never let him drown. No, Min will never let him drown.

A deep fondness breaks through the fear, and it makes the parts of his aura that are sill red shine bright.]

I really like it, Min. I like where it's going.

[He doesn't immediately pitch chorus ideas, but he's paying attention. Which is why he asks--]

So, who's Antinous the lover?

[He didn't pay much attention in History and didn't care enough to go learn about it on his own.]

[dialscientist]

[Of all the things to focus on, Ryan had to pick that one. Of course he did. Of course.

Min-Gi flusters with a heavy pbbfffth and curses the consequences of his own direct action.

So much for being subtle because they absolutely did not learn this in school. They information was discovered in high school, sure, but taught? No way in Hell.]

He was uh.

uh.

[Its actually a relief that Ryan’s eyes are closed because Min is bright red and looks slightly scandalised.

He rubs the back of his neck.]

He was, you know,

[No, Ryan does know. That’s why he’s asking, he really, really doesn’t know.]

Nnngh! Okay in Ancient Rome he was Emperor Hadrian’s like,

[Spit it out.]

Lover. For real. And when he drowned, Hadrian built a city right there on The Nile and made him a god and gave him his own cult of worshippers. Which is pretty extra and sort of impractical because you can’t just decide someone gets to be a god, but pretty romantic I guess.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan can't help himself - he peeks one eye open, hoping that he'll be able to see that flustered face. He can hear it in Min's voice, feel it in that light touch, but-- nope. Nope, that's still just a face full of emotionless mushrooms.

Great.

He shuts his eyes again and lets out a sigh. At least with his eyes shut he can almost picture Min's face on his own. He hates this though. He hates not being able to see it, and to have it replaced by something so deeply unsettling.

The story is sweet though, at least the way Min tells it is. He's never heard of Antinous or Hadrian, or if he has he's long since forgotten about it, but he likes to think this would have stuck out in his mind. A man the emperor loved so much that after his death, he made a whole city for him and gave him an entire religious following and that's...]

...Definitely romantic. I mean, it sounds like he wanted everyone to love Antinous as much as he did, right? He tried to make sure no one forgot about him. He never forgot about him.

[And for someone who craves attention the way Ryan does, it's an incredible gesture.]

Sure, the literal god part was a bit far, but. I dunno. It still sounds nice to me?