All that I am

[likethelight]

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta


[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

Comments

[swellter]

[ It takes some time, a few minutes of focusing on that calm before the steam recedes and the temperature of the bath falls to tolerable levels. Through it all, Shouto remains at the center, too afraid to reach out until he can form ice. It creeps up his neck and fingertips before he stops it and finds himself in control again. He doesn't remove the ice, lets it melt on its own as he hangs his head, staring at the calm waters. ]

I threw you out of bath...

Maybe I'm the one possessed.

[ It feels like it. ]

[likethelight]

[ Oh...

With the bath cooled enough, he leans forward and throws his arms around Shouto at that. Pulling him into a tight hug, he buries his face against the side of his without a care for any of the ice that's crept over his skin. ]

It's alright. [ He'll be here to help you figure it out, okay? ]

It's because your feelings are too much for your body sometimes, isn't it? [ The violent temperature swings. The one time he fidgeted with his fingers, and that clicked that maybe it's like when Allen feels fidgety with excess emotion. "I don't know." You just didn't learn how to deal with that, did you? Someone who seems so muted most of the time.

He nuzzles his face lightly against him, tucking his nose against his collar as he cradles his head gently, fingers threading through hair. ]

That's not strange. That's human.

[swellter]

[ He's stiff under his guard. Cold too, where the ice crept over his skin while the rest of him remains at a neutral temperature where there was a roiling heat before. It's a lie. He can still feel the churning lava melting inside him. Cooled down by an equal amount of ice. It's a balancing act, one that only comes up in the heat of battle when he actively needs his ice to cool his left side and vice versa. A perfect countermeasure built into his genetics.

The fact that his quirk is so fundamentally tied to his emotions was never an issue before. That didn't mean he didn't feel anything. He felt a lot. That's why he used his ice to numb those feelings when they got overwhelming. He stopped doing that after their encounter with the nightmare demon. After that encounter, he thought it was the best way to move forward, but he's only moved back since then. ]

This isn't normal for me.

[ It's not a complaint or self-reprimand, but fact. An understanding that something-- Not something. I need to change. ]

I don't know how to fix it.

[ Go back to the ice? Or find another way?

He leans against Allen, finding comfort in the gentle encouragement as the clash of ice and fire recedes at its own pace inside him. ]

[likethelight]

[ He's quiet for a moment at that admission, simply holding him for a moment to offer what comfort he can. "Fix it"... it isn't that though, is it? Feelings aren't something you can fix. So he just presses the side of his face against him and holds him close for now even with the tub still in the way, eyes hooding thoughtfully.

"I don't know..." ]

Innocence responds to the heart too. It takes what we feel and channels it into power. If we feel chaotic... then it becomes chaotic. Unstable, hard to control. [ Their feelings and desires have to be in sync. It isn't even about understanding yourself, but being able to do so so well that you can communicate it to another being and connect with them through it in perfect harmony. That's the "critical point breaker". Strength.

He's speaking very softly, continuing to idly brush some of the wet strand of hair back where they clump; serene and gentle in his manner. It isn't the same, but isn't it? Understanding what it means to be human. ]

Shouldn't you start by trying to understand what's in your heart?

[swellter]

[ Being held so tenderly, like he hasn't felt in over a decade. The sound of a voice he dreams about. These are the things that settle the turmoil twisting inside of him. That he clung to as a child, that he clings to now. Less evident in the subtle way he leans against his cheek and breathes in the warm breath of someone dear to him.

This time there's no swing of the pendulum in the knowing. No overwhelming feeling that wrenches free his control. This time, there's only the feeling of home. The place he wants to be. And it's in this knowing that his quirk - active still with Allen so close - finds equilibrium.

He leans over the tub to meet him halfway and speaks near his ear, finding comfort in the cuff that once belonged to him. ]

When I lost control... I was thinking of you. How much I... liked that you--that I didn't make you uneasy.

[ There's a silence after that. A moment taken to figure out his words. ]

Like I did with my mom.

[ A surge of something good tainted by the past. ]

[likethelight]

[ He seems to be finding his anchor, slowly, and Allen holds him a little tighter for a moment in a reassuring squeeze, cheek to cheek. Half for himself as much as anything maybe because of that admission, a little overwhelmed himself that the thing that tipped him over the edge was the realization how much he liked the idea of someone finding peace in his presence like that. It doesn't take a genius to realize that's because it isn't something he's used to-- or even thought was possible.

Especially not when that's something that he, of all people, gets.

Why else is the concept of "home" one that always floors Allen more than any other, after all? Razes him to the point where you could knock him over with a feather. It's precious because it's something so rare, something that was so far out of reach, that he put it on a pedestal.

He stills lightly at that though, eyes flickering towards him even if he can't see with how close they are. Like he did with her? You... think you made her uneasy? ]

Your mother? [ He hesitates. Landmines, but... That's so surprising, with how you've always spoken of her. How her voice was such a gentle and calm guiding presence in the nightmare.

This is why, too, isn't it?

His fingers brush lightly along the shorter hairs at the back of his neck, softly thoughtful before he lets his palm rest lightly there. ]

Why do you think you made her uneasy...?

[swellter]

It's not something I think.

[ Said in a quiet tone of resignation, letting the silence linger while he runs his hand down the scar that cut through half of him. ]

You're going to get cold. [ He tugs gently at his left shoulder. ] Come back in.

1/2

[likethelight]

[ Don't you think that might be part of the problem...? Still, he isn't one to push, especially on something like that, and does shiver lightly when he traces the outline of that scar. Not for being cold though, and his expression softens at the request. ]

Alright. [ He starts to get up, giving him a final light hug in the process, and is about to ask him to scoot down a little-- ]

2/2

[likethelight]

[ --when his gaze drops to the distinctly dark water where most of the dyes from Shouto's clothes have leeched into it. Oh. ]

...in a moment. [ He's. Going to lean over and pull the drain so all of that can go elsewhere before turning on some clean water. Yeah. ]

[swellter]

[ Good call.

While the water swirls down the drain, he scoots to the other side of the tub to give Allen space. As the water drains Shouto strips out of his clothes, dropping each soggy piece next to the bath with an audible thunk without looking. Busy with his task, it's only when he's rid himself of every item that he plugs up the drain and lets the clean water rise to clean them up. ]

[likethelight]

[ Allen looks, watching them fall with each thunk, but by this point has just resigned himself to needing to clean tomorrow before doing much of anything else. It's fine, he doesn't want to think about it tonight with everything that's happened. It's unimportant.

He's a little hesitant before he climbs back in though, lingering for a moment a somewhat shyly before sliding a toe back in to the rising water. A little unsure what to do with his legs at first, if he should sit bunched up or let them stretch out to either side. He opts for staying bunched up for now, expression muted and quiet, thoughtful, before he reaches out to touch Shouto's back gently. ]

Can I wash your hair?

[swellter]

[ He brings up his legs to give Allen room when he joins him inside and settles his back flat against the long side of the tub to give Allen room on his side. The result leaves him staring at the wall with his knees drawn up, spread wide above the water line, so when he touches his shoulder, Shouto turns his chin parallel to his shoulder to look at him. The question doesn't quite catch him off guard, but it does make him question its origin. ]

Does it smell?

[ Is that why he's offering his help? ]

[likethelight]

[ Allen tips his head at him at that. Well... No, that brings to mind too many times Cross chased him off telling him that he was filthy. Like... most of his childhood.

Sheepishly: ] It's grey.

[ Not why he was asking! But, well... it does need it. ]

[swellter]

Grey?

[ He his eyes wander up bu his hair is out of sight and he reaches up to pull a strand out. It's red.... Proceeds to give Allen a loooong stare, then does the same with his right side and the strand is... most definitely not white. Oh... His mouth pulls down, disliking the taint, not on his left, but right side. Instead of looking at Allen, he looks at the clear water. ]

Can you remove the color?

Please.

1/2

[likethelight]

[ Did he really think he meant his red hair turned grey? Don't give him that look, you're the one who looked there first...! He blinks for a moment that his request seems aimed at the water instead of him though, lips quirked incredulously to the side. Are you... sulking? Really? Like a little kid... ]

Yeah. [ He gives a soft laugh, head canted to the side as he reaches for the shampoo again. The ridiculousness of the situation is not lost on him, they're really pretty bad at this... ] Just give me a minute.

2/2

[likethelight]

[ It takes him a moment to recalibrate how someone would actually lather someone's hair not their own, but he twists around to reach and sweep the hair back from Shouto's face so he can start. Movements gentle and precise from taking the time to consider them carefully with his own mismatched hands, one soft and human and the other hardened and smooth like polished stone or leather. His expressions becomes a bit more gentle as he does, focused on what he's doing and kneading the lather across his scalp. ]

It's a little weird to think about... doing something so normal when things aren't. [ He says it more softly; thoughtful and offhand. ]

I think that's part of what I meant before too.

[swellter]

[ He's not sulking he just... dislikes it. Not even Allen's laugh will make it better. It's grey. Not like his sister's. Not like his brother's or mother's, but grey. It makes him feel even more distant from them which he dislikes too. So much so that if Allen wasn't here to clean it, he'd burn it off. For now, he'll take the offer and rely on him instead.

He sits still in the water, knees drawn up, poking out of the water.
The difference in the texture of his hand isn't lost on him, but it also isn't important. He's still in his care, eyes closed to protect them from the sting of the shampoo, though they twitch slightly at the comment. ]

Before? What did you mean?

[likethelight]

[ He's being very careful not to accidentally get soap in his eye!! But, well, accidents can happen and he's limited to his experience with washing Timcanpy. But he's very good at that. It's about dedication. Although twisting about like this to do it is giving him a crick in his neck, so he shifts a little to face him more instead, his back to the opposite side of the tub and knees pulled up tight to his chest.

His expression softens lightly though, ministrations gentle and taking his time the same as he would with Tim. His scar looks a lot bigger like this, with his hair pulled back... it's a stray thought as he wonders lightly at it and the nature of how he got it, before he brushes it away and shakes his head lightly to focus on the question. ]

When I said it feels like home around you... [ Even shoehorned into a bath like this and somehow that's the thing that's on his mind more than wondering if the Order is still hunting him right now. If the Noah are. At least for tonight; he can spend tomorrow worrying.

And that's rare, and why he's so quiet and thoughtful. Didn't want to let the conversation die when it felt like he still had something to say that was interrupted. ]

Because someone told me once... that when things seem desperate and you feel anxious, it's better to think of something enjoyable to look forward to. Something to anchor yourself to. But, I think... that also means appreciating those enjoyable moments wherever you can. That it doesn't have to just be about thinking of the home to return to, but the pieces of "home" you have with you. [ You.

He's silent for a moment, Shouto's hair clean by now although he still runs his fingers through it quietly. More like a very gentle scalp massage, lost in thought as he watches his expression. ]

And if that feels overwhelming to hear... just squeeze my left hand really tight so you can have something to anchor yourself to too. Until you can find yourself again. You won't hurt it. [ Softly said, but quite firmly. Even if yes, he could easily be boiled in a heartbeat like this and that is something he's conscious of.

But if Shouto is going to find control of his quirk again, then one of the first steps has to be that Allen believes he will. So he does. ]

Because what I'm trying to say is... thank you. [ He scoops some of the clean water up and rinses some of the shampoo off with it, brushing it away from his face before it can run down into his eyes. Tim didn't like that either. ]

My life is better because you're here.

1/2

[swellter]

[ No need to be careful, he remembers his part - Now close your eyes, Shouto - his mother used to tell him. That was before his scar when she could still stand the sight of him. He doesn't think about his scar or the impression it makes on people as he did when he first got it. He hated it back then, seeing it as something Endeavor gave him. In the last year, he's thought about it differently, not as a scar but a mark of his past.

Despite the years since someone last washed his hair, Allen's ministrations feel familiar. Soothing even, so much so that he falls into a comfortable silence. He perks up, shifting his head in Allen's direction when he brings up 'home'. His interest clearly piqued. He might not be able to see him, yet his focus bores into him this close up.

Something to anchor... His head tilts up slightly, brows wrinkling in thought. Pieces? He questions, engrossed by the turn of the conversation. Why would it be-- Is that what you think? ]

It's not overwhelming to hear you.

[ He corrects him immediately. The idea that he might think it was his fault instead of Shouto's doesn't sit well with him. A thought that's obvious in the downward curve of his mouth. An expression that soon disappears in a single line.

My life is better because you're here. ]

2/2

[swellter]

[ His eyes snap open, wide-eyed and taken aback. It feels like a sucker punch to the gut and tips off another avalanche of emotions he's not prepared to take on. He reaches blindly for him, and his hand comes across his chest. He follows it down the left side of him and clamps onto that rough hand with a strong grip.

Grey and teal stare down at the pools of grey he's grown so fond of over the last year. How such a sight could hold so much of his attention, he doesn't know nor care. It doesn't change how he feels about him. The feeling is strong. Breathtaking. It clamors inside his chest, melting the ice and creating chaos. His grip tightens on Allen's hand, growing hot at the cascading threads of emotion he's not prepared to handle, and ends up pressing his temple against his shoulder, just trying to catch his breath there. ]

Maybe it is... overwhelming.

[likethelight]

[ Ah, is it possible to be both concerned and glad? It's a complicated feeling that makes his chest squeeze when Shouto reacts like that. But it's alright, he's reaching for his hand as soon as his eyes snap open in such shock as well as he both was prepared for that and worried it might be too much. Threading their fingers together and returning it with a strong, affirming squeeze of his own. Such a quick reversal on his statements though-- it gets a small, weak little laugh from Allen. So very fond as he loops his right arm around his back and hugs Shouto to him lightly, cheek pressed to his hair.

Almost like a moment lost in a waltz, with their clasped hands held out to the side. ]

Sorry. [ He says it in such a quietly happy way though, like it isn't "I'm sorry" at all.

It's because hearing that sort of thing is overwhelming for him too-- Allen's tells just aren't nearly as obvious. He also had enough people telling him welcome home to wear him down over time to the point where it finally stopped surprising him and started to actually sink in. That's why his demeanor is gentle and fond now, smiling lightly by his ear as he waits for Shouto to collect himself.

I'll keep telling you this until you aren't so shocked by it anymore, too. ]

[swellter]

[ It helps. Holding his hand. Being this close to him. The familiar scent, the sound of his laughter. It's a shock to his senses, intricately entwined with his quirk. To his past. After his mother was taken, it was years before Endeavor let any of his siblings near him for more than a meal that was more punishment to them. He was aware of it. The role he played in their punishment too. It wasn't until years later, after Natsou left for college and Fuyumi became a teacher that she decided to stay at that house. She made more of an effort to welcome him, but by then the damage was done, and he was no longer receptive to her endeavors. He accepted them still, but aware that her presence still was a punishment she accepted for him and he couldn't feel welcomed knowing his part in her punishment just like his part in his mother's.

It was his goal then to escape Endeavor's thumb as soon as possible in order to free her. He lived for that. Enduring the days until he could leave and so could Fuyumi just like Natsou. They were better off without him in their lives. A sentiment he's known for years. One he accepted. So, to have someone that didn't need to endure punishment for his sake... to know that he wasn't a burden to them...

It's overwhelming.

Almost incomprehensible. If he hadn't spent the last few months in the dorms away from that place, he wouldn't have a chance of comprehending it. But he has, and in that time, he's learned so much from his classmates. His friends. Without them, he wouldn't understand half of what Allen is offering him. Wouldn't be able to accept it. But he does, and he stays by his side, accepting the token of-- what... is this?

Leaning against him, accepting the embrace, Shouto lets his thoughts prod that question for the first time, and the more he thinks about it, the more control he gains until he can safely let go of his hand. ]

Thank you... for the anchor.

[ He slowly pulls back from the embrace. At least this time, there's no ice or boiling water. ]

[likethelight]

[ If Allen hadn't spent the year and a half in the Order he had before everything went south, he wouldn't have been able to comprehend it either. Would have bottled everything he felt up tight and put it neatly up on a shelf with everything else that had carved a hole in his heart over the years. Better to reach out and help people insofar as he could offer small and sanitized parts of himself, but not let it be returned in kind, or let them see what else was there. After all, all he had ever known in life was that most people were cruel to someone like him and those who weren't, those who had beautiful souls and were kind, he tainted and destroyed if he let them become close. That's what had happened to Mana, after all. To Allen.

But being welcomed into a place people called their home, where kind and strong people would tell you over and over welcome home and greet you with warmth and affection-- it's a sentiment that always would and always will knock him breathless. Something that even he, over time, could start to believe that maybe, one day, he could find a place to belong. Not there, not the Order even if a part of him would always feel that way... but it opened up that part of him. That maybe, just maybe-- life might be more than just fighting and saving others. That there was still kindness and love, and the chance of one day finding again that fleeting but beautiful feeling: belonging.

The thing he never expected was that maybe, somehow-- he might be able to offer that feeling to someone else.

He blinks slightly at Shouto's choice of words, "anchor", before smiling gently in a way that's a little self-conscious as he also pulls back. Eyes flicking aside briefly before coming back to him, and his chin dips down slightly. Shy. ]

Mm. [ Of course. Always. ]

Thank you for being mine.

[swellter]

[ Mine...

His eyes shift up, caught off guard. His jaw goes a little rigid at the idea that he could be that for someone else. It's difficult, but he nods, accepting it at face value without question, even if it leaves his heart hammering inside his chest. His quirk swings from left to right to left again. He keeps his quirk under control this time, enough to reach out in his own manner. ]

Can I... wash your hair?

[ There's a sense of hesitancy in the question. His subtle expression hides the nerves he feels asking for something he wants. Maybe that's why it's a quiet ask with no bold inflection in his tone. ]

[likethelight]

[ Allen blinks a little at the question, eyes flickering back up to Shouto's in transparent and gentle surprise. Not that he asked for that, but-- the slight pause, as Shouto is not normally one to be hesitant. How gentle his expression is, if not really readable. He stills lightly.

You know he did wash it earlier before you got in, right...? His expression is quiet though, thoughtful for a moment as he considers that. The fact he already washed it becoming entirely unimportant though, obvious the moment he even considers it, and he smiles lightly at that realization and leans for a moment against Shouto's leg. Hugging his own knees to his chest as he gives a nod and a content sort of hum. ]

Mm. I'd like that.