deercountry | All that I am

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All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

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[ Seeing things?

He stares at Allen, noting the frightful look. He doesn't budge an inch, nor does he let go of his quirk. If he meant to calm him, he's succeded in doing the opposite. ]

What did you see?

[ It's not an inquiry stemming from curiosity as he might normally ask. Instead, it's asked directly and to the point in a tone not inviting anything but a straight answer. ]

[ It's a nuanced difference that has him hesitating and his expression softening lightly. As much for uncertainty as, well...

...even if he knew, how could he say. How could you sum up any of that even if he wanted to? He worries lightly at his lower lip, eyes sliding back to the mirror for a moment. Anxious, heart hammering, even if outwardly he just shifts his weight uneasily. His fingers twitch.

You can't be real... can you? So what are you this time? Just his head-- just the reasons they're here playing tricks... right? ]

...An old memory.

[ That answer does little to make him stand down. Only this time, his eyes fix on him instead of searching the room. ]

Allen, are we in danger?

[ How much does it say about the situation that he honestly doesn't know? They could be, but they can't be. This isn't just something he can backslide into based on proximity, it doesn't work like that. Right? This isn't something he ever wanted you to have to deal with either. The only person to deal with it should be him.

His mind is going too fast, skittering, and he pulls it back to shake his head lightly. Meeting Shouto's eyes, even if it's reluctant and almost a touch guilty. ]

We aren't going to be attacked. It's not like that. [ It's why as much as he's unnerved and flighty, he also hasn't braced even slightly for battle. ]

It's... more like an omen. A bad sign.

[ Shouto was trained to deal with civilians who sometimes don't know how to give information concisely and while he doesn't usually have to deal with this with his classmates, it's known to happen when something unexpected happens. Like now. So, he's patient but to the point, delving through his words to pose a better question so he knows what's going on, so he starts with the basics. ]

What did you see?

[ Honestly his uneasiness doubles at that, and he leans back on heel slightly. Pulls lightly on Shouto's wrist. ]

I... think I'd rather get dressed first, actually. If we can find some clean clothes.

[ Pajamas or otherwise; maybe even preferably the latter as this is like getting a very cold dose of the potential reality of their situation thrown back in his face. But can we... not stand here? He doesn't want to stay in here anymore.

It's watching him. ]

[ There's a long pause on his end while he weighs his words with the uneasy look even Shouto can read. It worries him, but does not make him budge when Allen tugs on his wrist the first time nor the second time. ]

Okay. You said we weren't in danger.

[ So, he'll hold him to that and acquiesce. Only then does he move. ]

But we don't have any clothes.

[ He was planning to sleep without any while the wet clothed dried overnight. ]

[ It feels like the longest pause to Allen and one that only makes him feel worse by the moment. It's not like he likes being withholding you know, and it feels wrong, but...

I don't know. I don't know what's going on, and it isn't something I could really explain well even if I wanted to. And the idea of telling Shouto that part of his past, even if he hates not telling him, is just... He can't. Not right now. He needs to think about this first and what it means. It's pointless if it's just a pthumerian messing with him in some test, right?

Because this is just an echo of the past, right? What's over and gone. ]

Oh... [ He hesitates, his relief that Shouto is letting it slide for now on hold. That is true, but-- ] The owner said there might be some old clothes we could have, right?

[ Whether they would fit or are in wearable condition and not eaten full of holes by moths and mice over the years though... that is debatable. ]

[ He's not letting anything slide. He assumes he'll get a proper explanation after Allen changes. As for the comment about the clothes - do you really think he understood what the owner meant by that vague remark? The good thing is that this happens on a fairly regular basis so he's learned to just go with it. ]

What clothes?

[ What was vague about it!! She said she had sons and they used to wear clothes that are still here!! The sympathy of an eccentric mother is probably the only reason they aren't out on the street right now!

Shouto, he worries for you sometimes... ]

Ones that used to belong to her sons, I suppose. [ He's very eager to leave the bathroom -- and the mirror -- and tugs lightly for Shouto to follow, not even caring that he's still dripping. Avoiding the issue? No idea what you're talking about.

There's an old dresser, and while the room itself is clean when Allen opens there's a strong musty odor. His movements are nervous still, distracted, plucking at the first article of clothing he sees and holding it aloft in half-hearted relief—

Except this shirt is full of holes and smells the same. Damn. ]

It... may have been a while since they wore these though. [ Some chewed-up bits are falling from it as we speak, there might have been a couple generations of mice living in this dresser... ]

Edited 2022-10-15 23:51 (UTC)

[ As well he should... >_>

He goes along with Allen's eccentric ways, following him out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where he stares at his back. Mostly at the scar riding up his shoulder. He makes no comment on it aside from the staring, not that Allen can see him with how eager he is to change the subject, not that Shouto knows that's what he's doing, or he'd question him flat out. So, Allen can scamper to the dresser without fearing a line of questioning - for now.

While Allen messes with the clothes, Shouto keeps walking. Steam rises up from one side and ice forms on the other. The thin ice snaps off with a roll of his shoulder leaving him dry by the time he deigns to sit on the edge of the bed watching Allen fiddle with the crumbling clothes. ]

I'll sleep as I am.

[ He flat-out states. He doesn't need to smell it turn it down. He has eyes. ]

[ Cheater.

But, ergh... He really was hoping there'd be... something though... since everything else is wet, Shouto. (Don't think he isn't still a tiny bit bitter at being dumped in the bath yet again. Just a tiny bit though.)

Or, well... he might otherwise be. He can't really be bothered about it when he's already bothered by something a lot more pressing, so after rooting around in a different drawer to see if anything there had escaped damage (it hadn't) he gives up. ]

I guess I will too, they all smell... [ Somewhat forlorn, but... in glancing over his shoulder back at Shouto, his expression smooths and is more fidgety than anything. Finding clothing was more of an excuse. Honestly he's not really even thinking about it that much right now.

He hesitates for a moment before sitting as well; more gingerly on the edge of the bed, ankles hooking together and balanced lightly as a bird ready to fly. ] Sorry.

Edited 2022-10-16 00:52 (UTC)

[ How is it cheating if it's his genes? He can freeze the water off of you too, if you want. Can't say it'll be pleasant without cold-resistant skin, but it'll work. As for the clothes - Don't tell him you were planning on sleeping in those smelly things. He'd rather sleep on the ground than share a bed with him then... ]

Are you going to be okay?

[ He asks, not quite lounging where he is, but very much comfortable with their lot, unlike a certain white-haired angel magnet. ]

You don't like being without clothes.

[ You wear so many of them. Honestly, Shouto has never seen anyone wear as many clothes as Allen. How many pieces do you put on every morning? It's like he's attending a gala every day. Do you really need the white gloves? Don't they get dirty? They're not practical at all. ]

Edited 2022-10-16 01:06 (UTC)

[ Wrinkling his nose at him. Thanks for the distraction though. ]

Why wouldn't I be okay? There's sheets. [ Sure he won't be happy, but... Way to call him out!! And if you haven't noticed he dresses perfectly normally for this era.

--Although he did stop wearing white gloves most of the time months ago for exactly those reasons. He only wore them when he was with the Order because they paid for them... now he wears black ones primarily. Totally practical!! Especially in Trench!! ]

Edited 2022-10-16 01:53 (UTC)

Sheets aren't clothes.

[ Wow, even he knows that. ]

[ Oh my go-- ]

Well noted.

If you're not going to change, can you tell me what you saw now?

[ Yes, he has been waiting. No, he's not going to let it go. Yes, he is very much just watching you now. Is he going to change? No. But he'll keep the towel on not for modesty's sake - please - but for practicality. ]

[ ...no?

But, ah... damn. Allen's gaze drops at that, sobering, and he clasps his hands lightly in his lap. You couldn't just think he saw a ghost and the place was actually haunted now, could you. ]

It's... hard to explain. [ His shoulders hunch lightly, even as a wry and entirely humorless smile tugs halfheartedly at one corner of his mouth. Being stared at like that, especially with this conversation, does make him want to grab the blanket and wrap himself up in it a little, but he pushes that aside. It isn't really for want of being physically covered, though... yeah, there is that and he's wet, cold, and really wants another towel but there were only the two of these. But that kind of discomfort is secondary right now. ]

I don't really understand it myself or where to begin, really.

[ He smiles a bit more gently, though it doesn't reach his eyes, and presses his hands together a little tighter. ]

It just feels like someone is playing tricks... with all of this. With ghosts from the past.

[ He could think it was a ghost if Allen told him as much. He'd believe him, and then he wouldn't have to have this conversation. The smile is commonplace and does little to clue him into his state or the toll it's taking to speak on this. Probably because he doesn't think there's anything to suspect. He said they weren't in danger, and he usually wouldn't persist except for the fact that it seemed to shake him. That is not commonplace.

Ah, there it is. His initial suspicions are confirmed. Good job on throwing him off track. ]

A ghost?

[ So there is one. He sits up straighter, head snapping from right to left as if he could catch their dead visitor in the act. Of what exactly? Don't ask. ]

Did you see it in the mirror? Is that why you wanted to leave?

[ Now he's getting up to stand by his side and sets a hand on his shoulder. ]

Do you see it right now?

Edited 2022-10-16 03:33 (UTC)

[ That's because while he might have purposefully mislead literally anyone else, the idea of doing that to Shouto just feels too utterly wrong even for Allen. Even if done as the whitest of lies. He'd actually rather choke.

He blinks slightly when Shouto gets up though, glancing up in some mild surprise when he rests a hand on his shoulder. ]

No, I only saw it in the mirror. [ Only ever saw it in the mirror, and... in his dreams. Something that will probably occur to him when about to sleep later, and will probably keep him from it. As for why he wanted to leave, well... he offers him a small, wan sort of smile for that guess. ]

It isn't the sort of thing you like seeing there looking back at you.

[ A good call. He wouldn't take being lied to well, even if it's so very easy with the people he trusts eroding it in the long run.

He nods so very seriously as if he's dealt with ghosts before and understands how they operate, but with quirks from his world being what they are, almost anything is possible. It's why he takes his words seriously. ]

Maybe it's haunting you specifically.

[ He looks at the discarded clothes, his eyes narrowing on the crumbling material. Clothes don't get that way unless they're decades old. Maybe longer. ]

We can leave, but we don't know if it'll follow us or if we could get other accommodations.

[ Not tonight, he knows that already and Allen already looked like he was tired. They both were. He couldn't drag him out after finally finding a place to rest. ]

For now, we should stick together in case it does something.

[ Or who knows, maybe it's friendly. But Shouto isn't so naive to believe that without proof. Not after it scared Allen. ]

Edited 2022-10-16 03:59 (UTC)

[ The quick and ready way that Shouto just nods and goes with that -- like he understands -- makes Allen blink for a moment. Because wait wait, there is no way that you could that easily even with Allen saying it was old memories haunting him, true that that is. And then he continues, and -- no way.

Allen stares for a moment, a bit dumbfounded. You... think he's saying it's a ghost? Like, an actual ghost? Oh... While it isn't exactly wrong, that could almost be funny under different circumstances. As it is he feels a little bad, and hesitates. ]

It only ever haunts me specifically. [ He says it gently, like that's something commonplace and normal yet also troubling. ] But I don't think I'm worried as long as it doesn't exist outside this place. This memory.

[ His pale eyes are solid and bright as the moon, looking up at Shouto calmly now as he decides finally on that stance. These are ghosts of ghosts and not who I am or what's real anymore. You said it before, didn't you? What's real here.

He leans back, reaching up towards him. ]

Come here?

[ Now that gets his attention. Haunts... as if it's happened before. As if it's happening now? The same day he returned. ]

Allen... are you being haunted... in your world?

[ It all starts to make sense. The reason why he was so nervous at the start. The reason for his vision. It must be important. They never triggered without a reason before. He focused so much on what Allen was doing - letting himself freeze in the snow - he lost track of everything else. Did he miss something? Was the ghost there too?

Are you... in danger?

This new change of perspective, coupled with his request, has Shouto stepping into his personal space the moment he asks, but he doesn't stop there. That hand on his shoulder pulls Allen forward the rest of the way, and he wraps an arm around him, holding him close. ]

We'll face it together.

[ Ah. He got it, even if that is only the tip of the iceberg.

Allen blinks slightly at that-- moreso that "come here" became "bring me there" but he doesn't complain. Could never when he's warm, solid, and real with a heartbeat he can feel, when he's saying something like that in obvious companionship in a way that has his throat threatening to close up. He blinks rapidly for a moment, leaning into the embrace to press his mouth against Shouto's shoulder almost like he doesn't trust himself to speak, and wraps his arms around him gently in return. ]

Mm. [ His nuzzles his collar faintly, the tip of his nose cool against his skin. Thoughtfully, as his eyes hood gently while focused on nothing in particular. ] It's something like that.

[ It's relieved, and he murmurs it gently. Thank you for understanding that even if he didn't know how to say it, even if that is only a small part of it. ]

[ It's enough to make him aware of the situation so he's not caught off guard. Given all that's happened, it's all he needs for now. This close, he can feel his skin growing cold from the dampness.

He pulls back just enough to look at him. Touch him. Cups his face between his hands and lets his thumb run over the delicate lines of his scar. ]

Will you be okay sleeping here?

[ He asks, smoothing back the wet strands behind his ear as his eyes stray to his mouth. ]

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