All that I am

[likethelight]

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta


[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

Comments

[swellter]

[ Good call.

While the water swirls down the drain, he scoots to the other side of the tub to give Allen space. As the water drains Shouto strips out of his clothes, dropping each soggy piece next to the bath with an audible thunk without looking. Busy with his task, it's only when he's rid himself of every item that he plugs up the drain and lets the clean water rise to clean them up. ]

[likethelight]

[ Allen looks, watching them fall with each thunk, but by this point has just resigned himself to needing to clean tomorrow before doing much of anything else. It's fine, he doesn't want to think about it tonight with everything that's happened. It's unimportant.

He's a little hesitant before he climbs back in though, lingering for a moment a somewhat shyly before sliding a toe back in to the rising water. A little unsure what to do with his legs at first, if he should sit bunched up or let them stretch out to either side. He opts for staying bunched up for now, expression muted and quiet, thoughtful, before he reaches out to touch Shouto's back gently. ]

Can I wash your hair?

[swellter]

[ He brings up his legs to give Allen room when he joins him inside and settles his back flat against the long side of the tub to give Allen room on his side. The result leaves him staring at the wall with his knees drawn up, spread wide above the water line, so when he touches his shoulder, Shouto turns his chin parallel to his shoulder to look at him. The question doesn't quite catch him off guard, but it does make him question its origin. ]

Does it smell?

[ Is that why he's offering his help? ]

[likethelight]

[ Allen tips his head at him at that. Well... No, that brings to mind too many times Cross chased him off telling him that he was filthy. Like... most of his childhood.

Sheepishly: ] It's grey.

[ Not why he was asking! But, well... it does need it. ]

[swellter]

Grey?

[ He his eyes wander up bu his hair is out of sight and he reaches up to pull a strand out. It's red.... Proceeds to give Allen a loooong stare, then does the same with his right side and the strand is... most definitely not white. Oh... His mouth pulls down, disliking the taint, not on his left, but right side. Instead of looking at Allen, he looks at the clear water. ]

Can you remove the color?

Please.

1/2

[likethelight]

[ Did he really think he meant his red hair turned grey? Don't give him that look, you're the one who looked there first...! He blinks for a moment that his request seems aimed at the water instead of him though, lips quirked incredulously to the side. Are you... sulking? Really? Like a little kid... ]

Yeah. [ He gives a soft laugh, head canted to the side as he reaches for the shampoo again. The ridiculousness of the situation is not lost on him, they're really pretty bad at this... ] Just give me a minute.

2/2

[likethelight]

[ It takes him a moment to recalibrate how someone would actually lather someone's hair not their own, but he twists around to reach and sweep the hair back from Shouto's face so he can start. Movements gentle and precise from taking the time to consider them carefully with his own mismatched hands, one soft and human and the other hardened and smooth like polished stone or leather. His expressions becomes a bit more gentle as he does, focused on what he's doing and kneading the lather across his scalp. ]

It's a little weird to think about... doing something so normal when things aren't. [ He says it more softly; thoughtful and offhand. ]

I think that's part of what I meant before too.

[swellter]

[ He's not sulking he just... dislikes it. Not even Allen's laugh will make it better. It's grey. Not like his sister's. Not like his brother's or mother's, but grey. It makes him feel even more distant from them which he dislikes too. So much so that if Allen wasn't here to clean it, he'd burn it off. For now, he'll take the offer and rely on him instead.

He sits still in the water, knees drawn up, poking out of the water.
The difference in the texture of his hand isn't lost on him, but it also isn't important. He's still in his care, eyes closed to protect them from the sting of the shampoo, though they twitch slightly at the comment. ]

Before? What did you mean?

[likethelight]

[ He's being very careful not to accidentally get soap in his eye!! But, well, accidents can happen and he's limited to his experience with washing Timcanpy. But he's very good at that. It's about dedication. Although twisting about like this to do it is giving him a crick in his neck, so he shifts a little to face him more instead, his back to the opposite side of the tub and knees pulled up tight to his chest.

His expression softens lightly though, ministrations gentle and taking his time the same as he would with Tim. His scar looks a lot bigger like this, with his hair pulled back... it's a stray thought as he wonders lightly at it and the nature of how he got it, before he brushes it away and shakes his head lightly to focus on the question. ]

When I said it feels like home around you... [ Even shoehorned into a bath like this and somehow that's the thing that's on his mind more than wondering if the Order is still hunting him right now. If the Noah are. At least for tonight; he can spend tomorrow worrying.

And that's rare, and why he's so quiet and thoughtful. Didn't want to let the conversation die when it felt like he still had something to say that was interrupted. ]

Because someone told me once... that when things seem desperate and you feel anxious, it's better to think of something enjoyable to look forward to. Something to anchor yourself to. But, I think... that also means appreciating those enjoyable moments wherever you can. That it doesn't have to just be about thinking of the home to return to, but the pieces of "home" you have with you. [ You.

He's silent for a moment, Shouto's hair clean by now although he still runs his fingers through it quietly. More like a very gentle scalp massage, lost in thought as he watches his expression. ]

And if that feels overwhelming to hear... just squeeze my left hand really tight so you can have something to anchor yourself to too. Until you can find yourself again. You won't hurt it. [ Softly said, but quite firmly. Even if yes, he could easily be boiled in a heartbeat like this and that is something he's conscious of.

But if Shouto is going to find control of his quirk again, then one of the first steps has to be that Allen believes he will. So he does. ]

Because what I'm trying to say is... thank you. [ He scoops some of the clean water up and rinses some of the shampoo off with it, brushing it away from his face before it can run down into his eyes. Tim didn't like that either. ]

My life is better because you're here.

1/2

[swellter]

[ No need to be careful, he remembers his part - Now close your eyes, Shouto - his mother used to tell him. That was before his scar when she could still stand the sight of him. He doesn't think about his scar or the impression it makes on people as he did when he first got it. He hated it back then, seeing it as something Endeavor gave him. In the last year, he's thought about it differently, not as a scar but a mark of his past.

Despite the years since someone last washed his hair, Allen's ministrations feel familiar. Soothing even, so much so that he falls into a comfortable silence. He perks up, shifting his head in Allen's direction when he brings up 'home'. His interest clearly piqued. He might not be able to see him, yet his focus bores into him this close up.

Something to anchor... His head tilts up slightly, brows wrinkling in thought. Pieces? He questions, engrossed by the turn of the conversation. Why would it be-- Is that what you think? ]

It's not overwhelming to hear you.

[ He corrects him immediately. The idea that he might think it was his fault instead of Shouto's doesn't sit well with him. A thought that's obvious in the downward curve of his mouth. An expression that soon disappears in a single line.

My life is better because you're here. ]

2/2

[swellter]

[ His eyes snap open, wide-eyed and taken aback. It feels like a sucker punch to the gut and tips off another avalanche of emotions he's not prepared to take on. He reaches blindly for him, and his hand comes across his chest. He follows it down the left side of him and clamps onto that rough hand with a strong grip.

Grey and teal stare down at the pools of grey he's grown so fond of over the last year. How such a sight could hold so much of his attention, he doesn't know nor care. It doesn't change how he feels about him. The feeling is strong. Breathtaking. It clamors inside his chest, melting the ice and creating chaos. His grip tightens on Allen's hand, growing hot at the cascading threads of emotion he's not prepared to handle, and ends up pressing his temple against his shoulder, just trying to catch his breath there. ]

Maybe it is... overwhelming.

[likethelight]

[ Ah, is it possible to be both concerned and glad? It's a complicated feeling that makes his chest squeeze when Shouto reacts like that. But it's alright, he's reaching for his hand as soon as his eyes snap open in such shock as well as he both was prepared for that and worried it might be too much. Threading their fingers together and returning it with a strong, affirming squeeze of his own. Such a quick reversal on his statements though-- it gets a small, weak little laugh from Allen. So very fond as he loops his right arm around his back and hugs Shouto to him lightly, cheek pressed to his hair.

Almost like a moment lost in a waltz, with their clasped hands held out to the side. ]

Sorry. [ He says it in such a quietly happy way though, like it isn't "I'm sorry" at all.

It's because hearing that sort of thing is overwhelming for him too-- Allen's tells just aren't nearly as obvious. He also had enough people telling him welcome home to wear him down over time to the point where it finally stopped surprising him and started to actually sink in. That's why his demeanor is gentle and fond now, smiling lightly by his ear as he waits for Shouto to collect himself.

I'll keep telling you this until you aren't so shocked by it anymore, too. ]

[swellter]

[ It helps. Holding his hand. Being this close to him. The familiar scent, the sound of his laughter. It's a shock to his senses, intricately entwined with his quirk. To his past. After his mother was taken, it was years before Endeavor let any of his siblings near him for more than a meal that was more punishment to them. He was aware of it. The role he played in their punishment too. It wasn't until years later, after Natsou left for college and Fuyumi became a teacher that she decided to stay at that house. She made more of an effort to welcome him, but by then the damage was done, and he was no longer receptive to her endeavors. He accepted them still, but aware that her presence still was a punishment she accepted for him and he couldn't feel welcomed knowing his part in her punishment just like his part in his mother's.

It was his goal then to escape Endeavor's thumb as soon as possible in order to free her. He lived for that. Enduring the days until he could leave and so could Fuyumi just like Natsou. They were better off without him in their lives. A sentiment he's known for years. One he accepted. So, to have someone that didn't need to endure punishment for his sake... to know that he wasn't a burden to them...

It's overwhelming.

Almost incomprehensible. If he hadn't spent the last few months in the dorms away from that place, he wouldn't have a chance of comprehending it. But he has, and in that time, he's learned so much from his classmates. His friends. Without them, he wouldn't understand half of what Allen is offering him. Wouldn't be able to accept it. But he does, and he stays by his side, accepting the token of-- what... is this?

Leaning against him, accepting the embrace, Shouto lets his thoughts prod that question for the first time, and the more he thinks about it, the more control he gains until he can safely let go of his hand. ]

Thank you... for the anchor.

[ He slowly pulls back from the embrace. At least this time, there's no ice or boiling water. ]

[likethelight]

[ If Allen hadn't spent the year and a half in the Order he had before everything went south, he wouldn't have been able to comprehend it either. Would have bottled everything he felt up tight and put it neatly up on a shelf with everything else that had carved a hole in his heart over the years. Better to reach out and help people insofar as he could offer small and sanitized parts of himself, but not let it be returned in kind, or let them see what else was there. After all, all he had ever known in life was that most people were cruel to someone like him and those who weren't, those who had beautiful souls and were kind, he tainted and destroyed if he let them become close. That's what had happened to Mana, after all. To Allen.

But being welcomed into a place people called their home, where kind and strong people would tell you over and over welcome home and greet you with warmth and affection-- it's a sentiment that always would and always will knock him breathless. Something that even he, over time, could start to believe that maybe, one day, he could find a place to belong. Not there, not the Order even if a part of him would always feel that way... but it opened up that part of him. That maybe, just maybe-- life might be more than just fighting and saving others. That there was still kindness and love, and the chance of one day finding again that fleeting but beautiful feeling: belonging.

The thing he never expected was that maybe, somehow-- he might be able to offer that feeling to someone else.

He blinks slightly at Shouto's choice of words, "anchor", before smiling gently in a way that's a little self-conscious as he also pulls back. Eyes flicking aside briefly before coming back to him, and his chin dips down slightly. Shy. ]

Mm. [ Of course. Always. ]

Thank you for being mine.

[swellter]

[ Mine...

His eyes shift up, caught off guard. His jaw goes a little rigid at the idea that he could be that for someone else. It's difficult, but he nods, accepting it at face value without question, even if it leaves his heart hammering inside his chest. His quirk swings from left to right to left again. He keeps his quirk under control this time, enough to reach out in his own manner. ]

Can I... wash your hair?

[ There's a sense of hesitancy in the question. His subtle expression hides the nerves he feels asking for something he wants. Maybe that's why it's a quiet ask with no bold inflection in his tone. ]

[likethelight]

[ Allen blinks a little at the question, eyes flickering back up to Shouto's in transparent and gentle surprise. Not that he asked for that, but-- the slight pause, as Shouto is not normally one to be hesitant. How gentle his expression is, if not really readable. He stills lightly.

You know he did wash it earlier before you got in, right...? His expression is quiet though, thoughtful for a moment as he considers that. The fact he already washed it becoming entirely unimportant though, obvious the moment he even considers it, and he smiles lightly at that realization and leans for a moment against Shouto's leg. Hugging his own knees to his chest as he gives a nod and a content sort of hum. ]

Mm. I'd like that.

[swellter]

[ The answer is met with a subtle shift of his features. More assured, less doubt. He nods quietly turning in his direction. He settles on his knees to face him better and picks up the shampoo. ]

Close your eyes.

[ He reminds him, his confidence returning as he massages the shampoo into his scalp and diligently works his way down. With his focus on his work, he doesn't notice when his heart grows calm or the subtle heat emitting from his person. It's not hot or even noticeably warmer for anyone standing even a foot away from him, but with Allen so close, he might notice the shift.

Shouto takes his time with his hair, losing himself in the movements of the task. He takes extra time at the ends, a little taken by the length, so much longer than he's used to with his hair. When he's done, he utters a quick warning before pouring water over his head in small batches until it stops feeling slippery.

Once he's done, he leans back and stands. Nude, he steps out of the tub to pick up the towels, wrapping one around himself and handing the other to Allen before reaching down to tug on the plug to empty the tub.

When he's done with the task, he looks over at Alle, this close to him his features turn soft. In that moment, he forgets about the place they've found themselves inf, and he extends a hand out to him as a token of... of...

... It doesn't matter. For now, he lets the thought go in favor of ushering them to bed. ]

Let's go to sleep.

1/2

[likethelight]

[ He notices the shift, both because it's something he's started looking for after realizing the significance and because over the months he's found it such an enjoyable warmth to relax into, one of the main things that's led him to start dozing off on his shoulder more often. Something he especially honed in on after he lost his sight. His smile warms as a result and he just leans back a little deeper into his hands, content just in that quiet knowledge and letting the silence stretch comfortably. To the point where he's almost a little surprised and disappointed when it's over and he glances back at him when he gets up-- before quietly yet quickly glancing away when he does. He takes the time to wring some of the excess water from his hair, actually able to do so now since it's reaches to almost mid-back, and looks a little lost in thought until Shouto offers him a towel. He shakes it off then and accepts it with a distracted smile. Swings himself out then and wraps it around his hips.

Haah... silly. He chides himself silently before taking Shouto's offered hand, his own features softening at it and the request. He gives a nod. ]

I'll try to show you around more properly tomorrow. [ The better places. The places that Mana showed him that are some of the better memories. They'll help Allen get his thoughts sorted out properly better about what should come next. What they should do next; what might happen next. ]

I'm sorry it isn't really a--

2/2

[likethelight]

[ breath catches, frozen ]

... good place for that...

[ He trails off somewhat lamely, staring instead over the other boy's shoulder at the mirror behind him, the one that's over the sink. Like he's seen a ghost, even if when Shouto looks there will be nothing there save for their reflections. Nothing that he can see at least.

Allen, however, is frozen like there is very much something else staring back at him. ]

[swellter]

[ The half pause wouldn't attract his notice as much if Allen didn't stare past him as if he caught of sight of something out of place. Honed senses go on high alert, and he casts his head back, glimpsing their reflection in the mirror as he sweeps his eyes across the room.

He steps in front of Allen without a word, right arm outstretched, calling forth his ice. The crackling sound of the element crystallizing across his skin is audible in the room. Mist rises from his hand, his ice ready to propagate into whatever form he needs at a moment's notice. ]

What is it?

[likethelight]

[ I think... I've seen something that isn't supposed to be there anymore. That's the answer that rings loudly in his head, barely even noticing Shouto's own immediately battle ready response. He doesn't respond right away, staring like someone haunted still for a moment, before he realizes the fighting stance the other has taken and he quickly shakes it off. He reaches for his hand, tugging at his wrist to encourage him to look at him and lower his arm. ]

It's okay. [ shaky as much as it's sheepish ] Sorry, I think I'm just... really tired.

[ He says it normally, even if his eyes are still slightly widened and bright with a very real fear that's only half smothered. ]

Just seeing things that aren't supposed to be there.

[swellter]

[ Seeing things?

He stares at Allen, noting the frightful look. He doesn't budge an inch, nor does he let go of his quirk. If he meant to calm him, he's succeded in doing the opposite. ]

What did you see?

[ It's not an inquiry stemming from curiosity as he might normally ask. Instead, it's asked directly and to the point in a tone not inviting anything but a straight answer. ]

[likethelight]

[ It's a nuanced difference that has him hesitating and his expression softening lightly. As much for uncertainty as, well...

...even if he knew, how could he say. How could you sum up any of that even if he wanted to? He worries lightly at his lower lip, eyes sliding back to the mirror for a moment. Anxious, heart hammering, even if outwardly he just shifts his weight uneasily. His fingers twitch.

You can't be real... can you? So what are you this time? Just his head-- just the reasons they're here playing tricks... right? ]

...An old memory.

[swellter]

[ That answer does little to make him stand down. Only this time, his eyes fix on him instead of searching the room. ]

Allen, are we in danger?

[likethelight]

[ How much does it say about the situation that he honestly doesn't know? They could be, but they can't be. This isn't just something he can backslide into based on proximity, it doesn't work like that. Right? This isn't something he ever wanted you to have to deal with either. The only person to deal with it should be him.

His mind is going too fast, skittering, and he pulls it back to shake his head lightly. Meeting Shouto's eyes, even if it's reluctant and almost a touch guilty. ]

We aren't going to be attacked. It's not like that. [ It's why as much as he's unnerved and flighty, he also hasn't braced even slightly for battle. ]

It's... more like an omen. A bad sign.