deercountry | All that I am

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All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

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[ He still. Turns his head slightly in his direction to look at him from the corner of his eye. ]

Like what?

[ You have to understand. Nothing about Allen, not his physical appearance or abilities, is anything but standard in his world. Where he comes from, no one would look at him twice. So, Shouto, having grown up in that kind of environment, has absolutely no idea what he's talking about right now. ]

Edited 2022-10-02 09:50 (UTC)

[ He looks up to meet his gaze, a little surprised because... isn't it obvious? Part of him looks like it isn't like the rest at all, and he holds up his left hand as if to demonstrate. Scarlet red all the way up to the bicep where it stops abruptly and becomes normal skin as if painted perfectly so, strips of matching red tattoos going up his shoulder the rest of the way. And that isn't counting that his hand barely looks human. ]

With an ability. With Innocence. [ He lets his hand drop back into the water. ]

Usually, that's something people get chosen by later. Although that isn't common either.

Edited 2022-10-02 09:57 (UTC)

[ No, it isn't obvious, but that explanation uncovers something he never thought of before. ]

Allen...

Is Innocence bad?

[ His eyes flick to Shouto so fast at that, alarmed. He goes a little still. ]

...Why would you ask that? [ He paints a smile on his face, trying to smother how much he stomach drops at that. ]

It lets us fight and save akuma. The souls that are trapped within them—and Beasts too, now.

[ It's recited. ]

You looked sad when you talked about it.

Isn't it a good thing you were born with it?

Edited 2022-10-02 10:13 (UTC)

[ He looked... sad? His eyes widen slightly at that revelation, and he drops his gaze somewhat guiltily back into the water. There was a lot... that made him not so sure of that, you know. That he's being reminded of, being back here. Things he had managed to avoid ever confronting when everything seemed to stabilize and be... back to a simpler understanding of the world when he woke up in Trench. When he woke up different, and was cleaner somehow than before. Less muddled about his purpose.

Less dangerous.

But was any of that actually true, or something he deluded himself into believing? ]

I don't know. [ Vesper-soft, but steady. ]

It isn't really so simple as something like that just being "good" or "bad", is it?

It is simple.

[ He counters, abandoning his task to cross the room and sit on the edge of the tub. Once settled, he locks eyes with him, searching for a missing puzzle piece he's beginning to suspect was always there. ]

Why would anything you're born with be bad?

[ Do you understand? ]

Edited 2022-10-02 10:33 (UTC)

[ He blinks at that, sitting up a little straighter and bringing his knees up. Hesitates, biting his tongue because...

...how would you even explain all of that, if he even thought it was something he could? Should? He doesn't even understand it; doesn't really understand Innocence at all it turns out. Doesn't want to worry Shouto. ]

...It isn't 'good' when it hurts people, is it? [ He says it softly, looking down at his left hand. Very gently, his demeanor calm and somewhat faraway. "I... I hurt people. And Mana."

"I'm a monster. That's why my parents gave me up."

Some things hadn't changed since that night. ]

[ Shouto sets a hand on his chin and gently tips it up to meet his eyes. This is important, don't look away. ]

It didn't hurt people. You did.

Like I hurt you when I lost control. That doesn't make my quirk bad.

It's the same with your Innocence.

Edited 2022-10-02 10:56 (UTC)

[ Isn't that worse?

His eyes widen slightly at that though, pale grey eyes flickering between Shouto's mismatched ones for a surprised moment. This is... something you feel very strongly about, isn't it. Why? It isn't just because of when you hurt him, it was there before that.

But he blinks, staying still in his grasp as his mind races. Circles back, and he presses his lips together for a moment with solemn grey eyes. ]

I know. [ He actually does and that's why he hated himself so much-- no matter what his Innocence might have done it was still his body he was supposed to be in control of. But it was also more complicated than that, too, and it's why he meets Shouto's gaze so steadily. ]

It has its own will, you know. [ He says it gently and simply. ] Innocence is sentient.

[ Not even blinking, just returning his gaze very calmly. He appreciates what you mean terribly, but... ]

I think what I mean is just...

[ Under the water, he clenches his left fist lightly. ]

...I don't always understand what that will is.

[ He slides his hand up to cup his cheek, holding him gently through the admission. It's not easy to know we played a role in hurting someone we care about. It was even harder to forgive yourself. He knew well that accepting their role in it came first, then forgiveness.

Shouto is reminded of Tokoyami and Dark Shadow. A classmate of his who struggled with a sentient quirk that went out of control when it grew too powerful. He struggled with it too until he learned to understand Dark Shadow. ]

Do you know what it wants?

What it needs?

[ What it needs? What an interesting twist that he... hadn't really considered in that fashion before. He's quiet, letting his eyes close when Shouto cups his cheek and leans faintly into it. Taking quiet comfort in that for a moment before answering. ]

I thought I did. [ Until it betrayed him. ]

I'm not sure how much of that matters anymore though. [ His eyes open quietly, regarding him calmly even if part of him doesn't feel very calm. ]

It's different now. In Trench, as opposed to when I was here.

[ His fingers splay across his cheek, offering comfort in the simple caress. Thought isn't knowing. ]

It matters.

[ So, why don't you seem to care? ]

Even if this world isn't real. We are. My quirk is the same.

Is your Innocence?

[ That's the problem. The never seeming to be able to know.

But doesn't that raise such a good question. How many of them might be changed and how many weren't? And why? Allen's eyes hood thoughtfully; that's something he's been aware of since very early on, confirmed when his memories came back in full. When Palamedes tested his left hand against that door barred by Moon Presence with a moon drop and it resonated so painfully. ]

I don't think it is. [ I'm different yet again.

He brings a hand up to rest over Shouto's on his cheek, turning his face to nuzzle against it faintly. Quiet. ]

I should finish so you can take your bath.

Edited 2022-10-02 23:38 (UTC)

How is it different?

[ His eyes stray to the hand that covers his, and adds a touch of warmth in welcome. ]

Allen. I don't care about the bath.

[ He chides, strengthening his hold, no longer gentle but firm. ]

I care about you.

[ Ah... That isn't fair, you know. How can he argue against that?

His expression flickers lightly at that, softening even as his eyes dip down for a moment. It's not an easy thing to even try to explain, you know? Especially when he understands it less than he even thought he ever did -- and probably won't ever, given the circumstances.

...except... perhaps now...? No. ]

Innocence is supposed to be a crystal of divinity, you know? [ He lets his eyes close, seemingly peaceable, as he curls up a bit to rest his head against his leg. ] A fragment of "God".

[ The way he says that is not like someone who unequivocally believes in that. Not for a long time, at least. ]

Something that can choose a human it deems worthy as its host, so that they can become a weapon together to fight akuma and those who create them in the holy war. Something that punishes them and their souls cruelly if they falter or lose faith, condemning them to be monsters that lash out at others before they die, but that will let them save people as long as they stay strong. Let them save the souls that are trapped within akuma -- save the world, when no one else can.

[ He opens his eyes and leans his head back a little, letting his words think in as he tries to find a way to say what he means next best. He'd only ever told Kanda before, and that was only because he pushed him until he blurted it out. ]

But... everything they told us about it was a lie. It's the true monster, living Innocence. Something that seems like its final evolution. Something that can take human form and move among people with its own agenda, hurting and killing them indiscriminately in the name of some greater purpose without the slightest care. A "grim reaper", it was called... like the apocalypse itself. Like it means to end the world on its own terms, I think. That's what killed my master. [ That's what killed Cross because of him. And... ]

It killed Timcanpy, too.

[ He's quiet for a long moment at that, looking out over the water at nothing in particular like he's recalling some distant face or memory. He brings his left hand up and looks at it, turning it over to eye the cross. ]

That's what can control my Crown Clown too and said they were aligned. It wanted to absorb it. Or... did.

[ He makes a light fist with it, the crystal cross that had once been gold but is now whitish-blue glittering faintly. ]

Whatever kind of world the "Waking World" is, I think it's beyond the reach of even that god. So whoever's crystal this is now, if it has its own agenda too... I don't know. All I know is that it lets me save those who become Beasts like I could save akuma. [ For better or worse. He shakes his head lightly. ]

That's why it's more complicated than it just being "good" or "bad".

[ The monster inside him he doesn't understand that also lets him save others as much as it might also endanger them. ]

Edited 2022-10-03 01:21 (UTC)

[ Shouto listens quietly without interrupting him. When he speaks of divinity, he doesn't take it to mean 'God' but a powerful entity. All-For-One operated in that realm, stealing quirks from hundreds of people to claim them as his own. Then used them to portray himself as a being of power unmatched. God wasn't a criminal. It wasn't a fragment. Yet, wars were fought for less.

Allen's explanation, more than anything, serves to give him perspective. The world he came from was more religious than what he knew. It made sense that they'd call a power few knew about the work of God. The Holy War he spoke about - you mentioned it before - made sense when he considered that. ]

From what you describe, it sounds like it's using you as much as you're using it, except it has the power to control you.

[ A similar problem that Tokayami faced with Dark Shadow, except Dark Shadow was a part of him. He couldn't exist on his own. That revelation shifts his entire perspective. He blinks in surprise, the gentle heat dissipating in a breath. ]

If it can take its own form, then why is it in you?

[ Then the real blow. He knew about his Master's demise. He spoke about it a few months ago during the fireworks show, but Tim. He gasps, eyes widening at the thought of never seeing him again. He'd lost it when he thought he lost Kizu. Allen had--In one swift movement, he's in the bath and holding onto Allen so tightly, he can feel his breath in his ear. ]

I'm sorry.

Edited 2022-10-03 01:59 (UTC)

[ Using him as much as he was using it? It's not untrue. And he was okay with that because it was a partnership that brought about salvation. Later... he wasn't so sure. There were doubts. But he shakes his head slightly at the question. ]

It's only the one that can take its own form as far as I know... Apocryphos. [ So far. But oh.

He's startled before he can say any more when Shouto sweeps in and pulls him into a tight embrace, eyes going wide as he stares in shock over his shoulder. Oh. You... ]

[ ...you have such a kind heart, you know.

His throat constricts, becoming tight, and his hands come up to snag into the material on his back. Gripping tight as he presses his mouth against his shoulder and tries to will back the tears that start to well. I still feel like I never really got to grieve him, so if you say that and hold me like this, when part of him feels so empty without his omen to fill the hole that was left behind...

He lets his eyes close, the tears falling in a silent warm trail as his shoulders abruptly sag, relenting to being held as he shifts to embrace him in return. ]

Ha... [ His voice hitches a little, and weak and warbled sort of not-a-laugh by Shouto's ear. ]

...I ended up getting you wet again.

[ So softly, no chide at all. Just the unsteady hitch accompanying those quiet tears and keeping his face pressed against his neck while holding on for all he's worth. ]

Edited 2022-10-03 03:25 (UTC)

[ The water crashes against the side of the tub as he bounds him up in his arms through the warbled mess of words and tears. Knee deep in water, Shouto drags him onto his lap to better hold him. Tim wasn't a faceless name to him. He was the one who smiled all the time. Who liked to eat wooden sticks. Who always brought Allen's towel to him and anything else he wanted. He was a friend. A companion he'd grown used to. To find out he was gone... dead. His own throat goes hoarse. ]

It's okay...

[ He swallows, holding him tightly ].

This is where I want to be.

[ He was family. Allen's only true, constant family who had died protecting him.

"This is where I want to be." His eyes flutter open at that, surprised. Those are...

...my words. From before. He blinks again for a moment, the weight of that hitting him. The way that Shouto's throat bobbed too for a moment as he swallowed. It isn't just sympathy for me. You... miss him too. With even just the idea that in one life he's gone. With his nose tucked against his collar he lets out a breath at that, still a little shaky, and lifts his head. Reaches up to touch the back of Shouto's head gently, cradling him to himself gently even as he's being held so. ]

I know. [ Soft as a breath. I'm glad you're here too, even if it is complicated. I already said that. But... it isn't complicated, is it? It should be, rationally. It always has been, historically. But it doesn't feel complicated somehow. It's clear, like a path that's wide open and so painfully obvious. Beautiful, that sort of feeling. Being where you're supposed to be with someone else too.

He winds his arms gently around him, fingers threading through his hair as he presses his cheek to the side of his face to speak by his ear. ]

I love you too.

[ He closes his eyes and thinks of Tim, not the one Allen lost but the omen he knows. The one that plays with Kizu despite her unruly nature. The one he sometimes feels an uncanny urge to pet. He thinks of that Tim, and his heart aches at the thought of his absence.

Was it hard for you? Having him in there, knowing he was gone here?

He runs a hand down his back in a comforting gesture. I'm sorry. He leans into his embrace. Welcomes the brush of skin. The heat of his breath. It's like a balm that smothers the growing ache. It reassures him as much as he tries to do the same. So much so that he almost misses what he says.

I know. I love you too.

His hand stills on his back, and he slowly draws back to look at him. His expression a delicate balance of quiet reservation mixed with a touch of softness. ]

Do you... mean that?

Edited 2022-10-03 06:31 (UTC)

[ Was it hard? No. But did it ache a little every day, even as happy as it made him?

Yes.

Truth be told, he's a touch anxious when Shouto goes quiet and pulls back. Only a little, but that's only human. Watching him for confirmation of... something, his expression stills lightly at the delicate sort of one Shouto has. Oh. Of all the responses to have, asking something like that, that's...

"He's broken too." Fragile.

For a moment he blinks, caught in realization. And his own expression is so quiet, so gentle in a strange sort of awe-- before he smiles so very lightly. Peaceably but with an absolute certainty. ]

Mm. [ He reaches up to let his fingers brush along his cheek lightly, before bringing the other boy's head down so he might press their foreheads lightly together. In a manner like children might a pinky swear, or a friend encourage another to lean on them. Honestly, isn't it obvious? He's not exactly the kind of person to ever kiss anyone if he wasn't absolutely certain of that well beforehand.

He always knows his feelings. Even and especially when he can't understand much else-- that's always the one thing he can and by his very nature has to know. And that's why he can smile right now, so gently and easily. ]

Something like that I'm sure of.

[ Even when you dump him in the bath clothes and all. ]

[ His eyes follow that hand, caught unaware, uncertain in his own way, not about the sentiment but his own. Unlike Allen, his feelings never mattered. They were always discounted, his path in life paved for him even before he was born. After living in that kind of environment for so long, he simply stopped feeling when he realized what he wanted didn't matter.

Not unless he made it matter.

What was worth fighting for? How far was he willing to go to make his feelings known? To give them voice? So far, he's only fought that uphill battle for his family. Would he forgive his father? Himself? What of his brother? His mother? How did he feel about them?

This isn't the same thing.

What he felt for Allen wasn't the same thing he felt for his family, not entirely. With his stomach turning in knots, he lets Allen pull him into his space. Their temples touch and he stares at him. This close-up, it's impossible to miss that look of wonderment in those stormy eyes. They glitter like the stars. He thinks, captivated by his confidence. ]

How... are you so sure?

Edited 2022-10-04 03:59 (UTC)

[ How is he sure...? He blinks for a moment, wondering first if that means he doubts him, but no, his expression is too gentle. His demeanor soft, so if you're asking that...

Is it... because you don't know how to be sure?

He stills lightly at that realization, but also because... how is he certain? Or anyone? For Allen he just... knows. He's had to work at being so in tune with himself that those sorts of feelings become the only concrete certainties he has. Even if some feelings might change, that's the nature of them, he's certain in the moment. Asking him how he knows any of that...

He's quiet for a long and thoughtful moment, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as he looks gently up at him. White and red lashes; framing one eye that's such a soft and gentle grey, and the other such a striking bright teal, like it could pierce straight through you. They're beautiful, you know? Like he could look at them for hours, trying to read the subtle nuances there that rarely get to the rest of his face, and that's not the kind of thought he ever has about other men. Doesn't even really have about girls, although that's more for crushing that kind of thinking before it can go anywhere. It's still different, too.

It isn't just something like that though; that feels so shallow when compared to the depth of the rest of his feelings. And it isn't for finding purpose in it, the love that drives him in everything that he does. It is different though, isn't it? This love instead of the one he feels for akuma and humans. For beasts, for the Order he had left behind, his friends. Viktor, Sansa, Ahiru... Similar but not the same. He didn't want to continually reach out to them; no, instead he felt like he shouldn't unless it was to offer them comfort. And he stares, eyes widening slightly to realize that.

His breath catches, and he touches Shouto's cheek lightly. With a very quiet kind of reverence. ]

Because, when I look at you... I feel saved.

[ It's so simple, the difference. He feels so silly for not realizing it sooner. ]

So much so my chest might burst... Even when we're just doing something simple and the two of us. Because when you smile—when you really smile... it makes me happier than I thought was possible. And I want to do everything I can so you can keep smiling like that. So we both can, even when nothing else makes sense and the world is dark. [ And it is often so very dark. And yet... like always having a light at his side now too.

His throat threatens to close, and he repeats the motion at his cheek. Carding his fingers through some of Shouto's hair as he brushes it back. ]

...Someone told me once, that when you find something to love... your path will open up before you. And then, even in a world that seems horrible you can still find beauty.

[ Ironclad certainty, said so very gently. Something he's believed for such a long time but took so long to truly understand. ]

I think it's something like that.

Edited 2022-10-04 06:52 (UTC)

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i feel like i should apologize yet again but...

.... i needed a new icon... i hope you realize this.

good, my work here is done :D

you are making him question so many things...

as he does :)